Really down. Just found out new OW lives in his building.

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#1 Nov 29 - 11AM
zzcem
zzcem's picture

Really down. Just found out new OW lives in his building.

I can't believe this. He kept denying but I knew that he had broke up with me for someone else the end of October. He does not know yet, but I figured out who it was and now she is bragging about her boyfriend that lives in her building. They are neighbors. WTF?! WTF?! WTF?!!!!! I couldn't understand how after 2 years he could just dump me so callously and I will be honest that a part of me was letting go and the other part was not - - so I guess I was not really. And the part that was not is so f***cking hurting right now that I can't take it. For certain it is over (which I know is the best) because he can't even take me back in his building because she lives there. Almost 2 years! And now I am nothing? And tell me what is he going to do when the honeymoon phase is over, which for him typically last only a couple of months, and he has other women over? How is he going to do that? Granted it is a doorman building, but still. He has NEVER been in love and he has always cheated on every woman that he has been with so how does he possibly see this working in the end? What kind of eventual bad situation is this going to turn into?

And I don't need anyone telling me that I am better off. I know I am, I just feel so much pain right now and I don't know how to stop it. Just crying it out and time.

Nov 29 - 6PM
blueworld
blueworld's picture

hmmmm

i think it is convience and i think its because they are addicted to the thrill of something new that admires them he will get bored and quick one thing i do recall my abuser saying at one time was "i like what i cant have" "i like the chase, dunno when i get it i dont want it anymore" "it drives me crazy and i dont know why i do it , i just want what i cant have and i dont want what i have"
Nov 29 - 3PM
LightAtTheEndOf...
LightAtTheEndOfTheTunnel's picture

A Big hug to you ZZ!

Yes he kept denying it and you DID know because you posess that fantastic thing called A Woman's Instinct which always serves us right in the end. They have no Boundaries, my ex Narc i met as my housemate (in hindsight i will never shit where i eat ever.. again!). I look at your story and i see me.. mine dumped me after 2 years and ran literally straight to his new lined up Woman. ZZ this is not going to last. HE is not in love.. She may be .. yes. But please do understand this is simply Idealisation... so sure it will look great.. but give that another three months tops. Papa will have a brand new bag ;-) Please believe me on this. Mine ran out on June, was offically spotted with OW in July.. he emails me last Friday to tell me he wants to dump OW already.. we are in November... (im sure he was feeling this was for a while too). Be glad your no longer in this Shitstorm, process your anger and hurt, cry let it out. But rest assured, this will fail in a few months and you know the truth, you know what you endured and went through xxx
Nov 29 - 4PM (Reply to #13)
zzcem
zzcem's picture

Thanks Light.

I was feeling better then started feeling bad again thinking that what if I am wrong? That she is different? She lives in his building so they will obviously spend more time together. I assume he can't bring his other conquests in without being afraid of running into her so maybe he won't cheat on her as much. She is friending his friends outside of him. Something I never did and never saw any of his exes doing. But then I tell myself that I know him better than that. That I know that he has NEVER NOT ONCE had a healthy, happy relationship. That he NEVER NOT ONE TIME ever loved or said I love you to any woman. Not even his ex-wife. So what? She is different because she lives in his building, because after almost two years he is acting like I never existed? And do you want to know something else? 2 1/2 weeks after he broke up with me he put his Match.com profile back up! I was so upset that I stupidly broke contact and asked that he take it down, which he did. So if he put his profile up during the beginning of the idealization phase with her then he has not changed. Wow. I think I just answered my own question. I was so upset today when I saw her posting on Facebook about her great boyfriend that I again (stupidly!) broke contact to call him and confront him with what I knew. He was working and said he would call me back, which he did not. Now I am glad that we did not speak. There is no point in my saying anything. I retain more dignity being silent. I have already smashed my dignity to pieces too many times over him. So sick to my stomach right now. Thank you everyone for your input. It has helped a lot.
Nov 29 - 6PM (Reply to #14)
LightAtTheEndOf...
LightAtTheEndOfTheTunnel's picture

Wow ZZ did we date the same guy? LOL

ZZ listen to me, my Narc was my housemate and even that did not stop him cheating on me under my nose until i busted him through his emails and saw him texting and going on dates with OW number 1 (OW number 1.. *deep sigh* woe is truly me LOL). Please get it out of your head that their close proximity is going to make a blind bit of difference as it wont! That is for sure. If anything she will see the mask come off sooner? I know i did, when i look back maybe 2months in the mask slipped but i turned a blind eye (1-0 to Narc). You my sweet lady have nothing to fear. I know its hard but resume no contact, see this dude for what he is. It is going to fail, she is in no way shape or form better than you, forget what shes posting on Facebook 1) Hes showing her what he wants to show her ... FOR NOW 2) Shes not going to write on FB "My BF is a dreadful Narc/Psychopath (at least not in the idealisation phase anyway hehe) 3) Things can seem great on the outside and bully for them... it soon wont be. Love and Light to you, stay strong.. eye of the Tiger Girl! xx
Nov 29 - 12PM
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

Mine left me for a woman he

Mine left me for a woman he works with. She works FOR him in his department. He is a vice president of a fortune 100 company and is very LUCKY that he survived the scandal when he left me for her. Now, he is conflicted, confused, wants to be with me again but can't because she is sick with breast cancer and he has to work with her or give up his job. What a tangled mess he made for himslef. But, as Hunter just said, dogs don't eat where they sleep. Well, at least they SHOULDN'T........ He painted himself into a corner this time and he knows it. Whats the old expression? You made your bed, now sleep in it? Don't worry about the OW. You will more than likely be welcoming her on this forum one day soon. She is irrelevant, you are irrelevant, we all are. and the sooner accepted, the better off we are. You will one day be relevant, to a normal person, never with a narc though. Hang tight, it will be over some day, hopefully sooner than later. It's up to you to do the work and make the effort. Your in charge now. :)
Nov 29 - 8PM (Reply to #11)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

When Ns face the music...

It was rumored that the ex-Psych prof and I were having a sexual affair... it never got to the bedroom, it never got physical that way, but people assumed he&I had more than a teacher/student relationship. He D&D'd me for his curator girlfriend, who worked literally down the street from the college at a museum (she moved from LA to NM to be with him) She moved in with him not long after he had cruelly publicly rejected&humiliated me. She came onto the scene with THAT shadow over her. MOST Ns keep their ugliness private, so they can have a good public persona. Not so with the ex-P. Around the time I left NM, he got her pregnant. With twins. I'm glad I didn't have to deal with him when his girlfriend (now wife) was pregnant. He had a hideous attitude towards pregnancy... Narcs tend to. And he HATED HATED children. A year after I was D&D'd, his parents moved in with him to raise his children. I guess when I broke NC to congratulate him on being married, having kids, wishing him a happy marriage&family happiness ("family happiness" is an expression of Leo Tolstoy, his idol)... it was the equivalent to him of "Now you're dealing with the consequences!!! LOL!!! I laugh in your face!!!" *cue maniacal laughter* For a NORMAL man, marrying&having kids is something to celebrate. When I congratulated my sister&brother in-law on the birth of their son, they appreciated it. But with the ex-P, he must've taken it as a massive narcissistic injury, revealing him to be a MERE MORTAL... and yes, I enjoyed it.
Nov 29 - 12PM (Reply to #10)
Hermes
Hermes's picture

Yes, Sparrow!

The truth, harsh and dismal. And like bitter medicine it has to be gulped down. "She is irrelevant, you are irrelevant, we all are. and the sooner accepted, the better off we are. You will one day be relevant, to a normal person, never with a narc though." Zzcem. A special time, a special day will come for you. Hard to imagine it now, but it will. Take care H
Nov 29 - 11AM
Used
Used's picture

zzcem

He won't be thinking of the end results, they never do think about consequences....THEY LIVE IN THE MOMENT AND AT THE MOMENT SHE IS THE MOMENT...
Nov 29 - 3PM (Reply to #8)
victimnomore
victimnomore's picture

Used

You are so right. They never, ever think about the end result or consequences of their actions. They are very impulsive and can only think for the moment. On impulse my narc walked out of a 25 years marriage and now he is sooooo miserable, but ask me do I care. Nope! He made his bed, now he has to lie in it!

victimnomore

Nov 29 - 11AM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

You are giving him human

You are giving him human qualities.. They don't have any.. As for OW.. Never shit where you eat.. Big mistake.. If things don't work out .. Then what.. There is no escape if they live in the same building... Not your problem she just acquired one big problem.. Hunter
Nov 29 - 12PM (Reply to #2)
zzcem
zzcem's picture

Thank you Hunter and Used.

I appreciate you both posting something so quickly and basically confirming what I already knew. I feel so much pain right now. I know that if I can just get through this that I will come out with a much brighter future. I know that. But right now I just feel so much pain that it is hard to see past tomorrow and know that it's going to get better. I live in a great city (Chicago), amazing life experiences and lived in other countries, attractive, unique, independent, and ever since I was a child I had this strong feeling that something really special would happen to me some day. I have absolutely no idea what it is, but I know that it has not happened yet. If I hold onto him that destiny will never come to me. To be honest I am just afraid I won't fall in love again and that I won't feel that passion. That I'm in my early 40s and that my life is "over". I know that sounds silly. Plus I do not have a biological clock ticking (which I am sure helps), as I already have a child. I don't deserve this.
Nov 29 - 5PM (Reply to #5)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

You loved a lie.. One big

You loved a lie.. One big lie.. We all did.. I've come realize this was not love at all .. He filled a void he new how to hit the weak spots and he worked it.. That's all a con artist at work.. Love is give and take.. This all take and no give.. Think about it.. What did he give you.. Good sex?? You know why the sex is good?? Because they screw everything under the sun. Practice makes perfect... I think you triggered me..:) makes me sick.. Rape physical and emotional rape that what it was.. Nothing good is in their hearts NOTHING.. Send that woman a sympathy card.. Her funeral is next.. Of that I'm sure.. You will find Love.. I did it's with myself first.. When you love who you are and dig deep into your soul good things will happen..I promise.. Hunter
Nov 29 - 8PM (Reply to #6)
zzcem
zzcem's picture

Hunter thank you for your post

A friend recommended that I start a journal, which I did tonight. I had actually already started some notes to myself over the last year and I found this one below from August. I guess it kind of answers my question in regards to the other women. In the entry that I found I had also added some sub-notes that I will include below and if anyone is interested in downloading the Journal software the link is http://www.davidrm.com/thejournal/?gclid=CM2X_uPa3KwCFcvJKgodaT2arQ Thursday, August 25, 2011 The thought of him being with another woman kills me inside, but when I step back and think about it rationally I know that it does not matter. It makes no difference because he CANNOT get close to anyone. He cannot experience or share intimacy. He occasionally briefly mimics it, but it is false. As evident by his behavior after wards. True intimacy is absolutely not possible for him. And no matter what he will ALWAYS sleep with other women. He will ALWAYS keep up a barrier that does not allow him to get close to anyone. Every woman that he gets involved with that develops feelings for him will eventually be pushed into a place where she feels like she is going mad, where she feels hopeless with the situation. He will keep throwing out scraps, but they are very, very fleeting. His positive actions and words mean nothing. They are only a ploy to keep you hooked. You are a source of supply for him and that is it. Nothing more. It does not matter how much time you have spent together, the times you “made love”. NONE OF IT TOUCHED HIM AT ALL. For him it is COMPLETELY IMPOSSIBLE. So while the thought of another woman may hurt me deeply in reality it has no basis. He has never in his life ever been in love with anyone and he never will. The main reason why he sleeps around and needs the constant reassurance of a woman is because he is so insecure on the inside and unfortunately he will always need that insecurity to be filled and it will never be filled, by anyone. It runs to deep and he is too flawed. Sub-notes: - Most narcissists are misogynists. Their sexual and emotional lives are perturbed and chaotic. They are not able to love in any true sense of the word – nor are they capable of developing any measure of intimacy. Lacking empathy, they are unable to offer to their partners’ emotional sustenance. - Many of them (the borderline narcissists) cannot conceive of life in one place with one set of people, doing the same thing, in the same field with one goal within a decades-old game plan. To them, this is the equivalent of death. They are most terrified of boredom and whenever faced with its daunting prospect, they inject drama or even danger into their lives. This way they feel alive. - The narcissist is a lonely wolf. He is a shaky platform, indeed, on which to base a family, or plans for the future.
Nov 29 - 1PM (Reply to #3)
Layla
Layla's picture

: ))

Hey! And I am 41, our life is NOT over!!! Stop that!!! LOL!!! You are afraid you will not "fall in love" again but was it REALLY love with this disordered clown? Was it? I think you know the answer! And hey, there are a whole slew of us Chicago girls here....what's up with that? Narc overload in Chicago??? love~ Layla
Nov 29 - 1PM (Reply to #4)
zzcem
zzcem's picture

Hi Layla

Actually I think it is more so the passion that I am afraid I won't find again. Hey you are right about the Chicago thing. I noticed that too. Why don't some of us get together for drinks here in Chicago!? I think that would be an awesome idea especially with the holidays coming up. If anyone is interested please send me a private message with your email address and I will respond right back with mine. I THINK THIS IS AN AWESOME IDEA!!! :)