Realizing the Impact and Fearfulness - Support Needed

Just been reading more posts on the PTSD and fears. One thing I shared with only one friend when the final craziness went down... he was driving to my City on what was to be our third meeting. I refused to comply with his manipulations he sent via text.. and wham! the cold, cruel cutoff. At that time, I remember having drinks, showing my friend the texts and laughing, as a way to try to deal with it.

I had been feeling more and more anxiety and sleeplessness and when that final texting session happened, deep down, I felt instantly fearful. He was driving in and though he didnt attempt contact, the fear and anxiety remained until I knew he had returned to his hometown in the next Province. And to some degree it has remained. I told him he creeped me out, and to delete any pics of me he had, and he just basically ignored me (felt like a punitive move).

I wanted a male friend to move in for protection (I live with my two kids) but didnt have anyone I was comfortable with, plus felt I was over-reacting. I guess I just realized all at once how emotionally violent he was, plus his comments were starting to get more and more violent and degrading in his 'sex play' comments which at first seemed so innocent, fun and exciting.

I now believe that he is not only an N, but would probably be considered very high up on the Pathology scale, basically a dangerous man. Because of the 'rape' sex comments he started using once or twice near the end, and how he oh, so subtly progressed from 'dom/sub' play talk to a couple very dirty demeaning comments. Im very open minded sexually, and all 'in' at first, but he crossed the line on one or two occassions into an area I did not find to be a turn on. But clearly it was for him.

It has been 6 months since last contact, and now I'm just crying and crying, like all the pain is finally coming out. Why oh, why did I allow this creep to get to me? My self esteem has been hurt, my feeling of contentment and safety, my rights violated. Why was I laughing at first, and seemed to be doing ok... and now Im not?!

I am waiting to set up my first phone counseling and I think Ive been kidding myself that my situation wasnt that bad, because I only met him in person twice. But the online chats and texting were very constant for the 6 months. I even told him once jokingly, "Did you put a spell on me? ha ha." The whole time, I thought I was dealing with a nice guy, we sometimes had mis-communications, and that he was somewhat possessive and controlling which I thought he was kinda joking about - the whole Domination play thing.

After he cut contact, I emailed him that "Just for the record, I never EVER intended for the whole Dom/Sub play thing to spill over into how I was actually treated. So it blew me away, especially those last texts of yours." To which he replied, "We were playing a game. At least I sure was. You took it all the wrong way, as usual."

I have just deleted my online profile - he wasn't contacting me there anymore. But there was one incident where a guy who could have been the spitting image of him (diff hair colour) keep messaging me. We connected and chatted, he didnt 'sound' like him at all and, I saw 3 other pics and not the same guy... but UNCANNY resemblance in the first pic, even from the same hometown. Cousin maybe but still... is this my hyper active villigence on alert due to stress? This other guy's profile is now gone, and he has not messaged me on MSN since, but appears to have deleted me from chat list. Weird. Also, as I was comparing profiles to determine if it was the N, the same guy, to be cautious, the N blocked me on the dating site! I deleted my profile becuz I didnt want to be in his 'holding pen' where he can see me, but I cant see him.

Also, the N is now looking online for women in my area again (He will be visiting again for Spring Break). A close friend of mine shared that he was 'hitting on' her friend on the Dating Site (she is from my town as well), and my friend told her about my experience and to BLOCK HIM... which she did! That was great. But the thought of him callously looking up women in my city, knowing what he did to me, with no remorse, just makes me feel awful. I hate the idea of the chance of bumping into him when he is here, and just dont feel very safe, at least emotionally. He knows where I live and I just hate the thought of him coming here this year.

Please help... its been tuff getting counselling started since no $$ but will be starting up soon. I just wonder why it took so long for the full impact to hit me... is this common?

I think he has obliterated me, and I dont think he wants to pursue me... "I have NO interest in hearing from someone who is like you. Don't contact me anymore. Thanks!" (His kind parting words.) But WHY does this make me feel fearful? I had considered slapping a restraining order on him back in his hometown, but since he had gone no contact on me, I felt this wouldn't fly and would just enrage him and cause him to retaliate in some way.

Thoughts? Could I still be in danger if he has NEVER once tried to contact me since last contact 6 months ago?