Realizing alot of it is about who has control...

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#1 Nov 30 - 1PM
shortway
shortway's picture

Realizing alot of it is about who has control...

Sorry but it is...I really feel alot of it stems from who feels in control,who feels out of it,how to take it back,not lose it..keep at it..

I realize lately that my anxiety is when he is possibly having fun with the OW,possibly going out with mutual friends because he can.My lack of control thereof is where I lose it...
The other important thing is I can tell he is this way too.When he wasn"t allowed at our mutual friend's party because I was going.He said a nasty FB message on Thanksgiving stating"Happy thanksgiving to those who deserve it,to everyone else go ^&&%$##$*(%^%^#$#%*$(^%(%^$^$(" enjoy".....ONe doesn't have to be a rocket scientist to believe it was directed at me....
Anyhow his lack of control about ebing able to go to the party and lack of control on what I was doing on the holiday made him angry.....Just like it made me upset the day before the holiday when I woke up crying...
I think I've been delaing with a person who doesn't like to lose control of the situation,neither do I I guess..That's why we blocked,unblocked,blocked on facebook...Like who is leaving who,etc...
We are both hard-heads...Pretty sad it couldn't work with someone who can't back down and thinks that it is a weakness to do such a thing...It's all out of our control anyway..

Nov 30 - 6PM
shortway
shortway's picture

Hahah michele..VNS....I know

Hahah michele..VNS....I know you loved that!
Nov 30 - 6PM
shortway
shortway's picture

Can we discuss his FB

Can we discuss his FB thanksgiving post for a minute..I mean really who doesn't deserve a happy thanksgiving..what a toolbag..lol...It's directed at me if you haven't noticed...Sit and stew in your anger my friend:)>>>>>> Narc FB post "Happy thanksgiving to those who deserve it,to everyone else go ^&&%$##$*(%^%^#$#%*$(^%(%^$^$(" enjoy".. Anger problems much?lol...If I was the OW,I'd be like wow he is still hung up on his ex,he's still bitter,has these feelings..I think I'd be a little freaked if I were here..lol
Nov 30 - 6PM (Reply to #15)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Shortway how Naive

Of course by now you have been trained properly...HE is the master of who decides who DESERVES a Happy Thanksgiving. Let's just hope that he doesn't have a temper tantrum for he may just remove Thanksgiving all together! Do you know what that would do to the economy?! Oddly enough, somehow I made his "good" list...Mine was pleasant as could be. Were you able to have one behind his back?...LOL I do hope next year you can somehow move up the ranks to make his all so significant list...it would be terrible to not enjoy Thanksgivng because HE has determined that you don't deserve it. Could you please behave from now on because I'm getting really scared that YOU might ruin Thanksgiving for all of us and he might take it away just because YOU don't deserve it that would be so unfair...:( Asshat! OMG...gag me with a spoon. What pompous ass...
Nov 30 - 6PM (Reply to #16)
shortway
shortway's picture

OMG you freaking crack me

OMG you freaking crack me up!!!!!..I laughed out loud like 10 times!!!...I know right.."deserve" it...It was the first time I ever saw a status directed at me..SHows his bitterness..Hahah well I"m glad I affect him.At least he is feeling SOMETHING!..lol..EVen if it's anger.I will take something to show he isn't a robot..lol Yes apparantly I don't deserve a good holiday..I forgot...I let him in my home to live,let him borrow 2,000..forgive him for cheating so we could salvage our friendship..oh yeah and don't forgt all the visiting nurse services I gave him..I'm still waiting to be paid for those visits..Oh yeah and I helped him throguh drug detox..Yep I deserve no thanksgiving..Santa isn't coming this year either..WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Nov 30 - 4PM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Shortway

Excellent insight today...brilliant...and I wanted to say thank you for the VNS offer yesterday...really you are a sweetheart... And everyone else too... Today is okay, yesterday was too...believe it or not...it really was. Spoke to a friend I havent been able to connect with and we laughed...it's been months And she said, it is so good to hear you laugh again. it's been a long time... Slowly...it all comes back but thank you and thanks Brie and all of you... Blue where's my pants?...LOL
Nov 30 - 5PM (Reply to #13)
blueeyes
blueeyes's picture

Ben Dova

and I'll show ya! I'm kidding, P.O. Box? Its great to have ya back.
Nov 30 - 4PM
Briseis
Briseis's picture

I think this is excellent

I think this is excellent insight :) No one alive and breathing likes to lose control. This is a deep seated, normal need for people. The problems come in, especially with Narcs, on what they feel they SHOULD be able to control. Most people have some areas they feel they SHOULD be able to control, but can't. Narcs go to extremes that we normies can't even fathom. So part of recovering from a Narc attack is learning what WE can legitimately control, and what we can't. A big thing I had to learn is that I can't control what other people think, do or say. No matter what. I can only control what I think, do or say. Ideally :D . So part of recovery is focusing on what I myself CAN legitimately control, and letting go of what I delusionally used to think I SHOULD be able to control. We all do this. It's so common it's practically normal to have ideas that we can or cannot control what we should or should not control.
Nov 30 - 4PM (Reply to #9)
shortway
shortway's picture

Yep..quite ironic that the

Yep..quite ironic that the Narc's basis is control etc..Then they leave us D+D'ed,etc so they can STILL control us in the way they know how..By cutting off what we valued..SO the cycle of control continues..Then we begin to be warped out like them thinking about how we can control them with OW,or their life,or their misery.We become a bit of an Narc ourselves in that stage...That is probably the utmost thing to remember...Don't be in the control stage acting like a Narc because then it's more of the same!..Just Narc characteristics rubbing off on us....Alot of this is us woman not wanting to be controlled and breaking free from this garbage..We are theo nes who get away because we know it isn't right to be controlled in any manner..financially,emotionally,then we go "no contact" to show their arses they WILL NOT CONTROL US! :)
Nov 30 - 5PM (Reply to #10)
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

remember if at all

possible, they always have to devalue and discard us FIRST abandonment issues Ibelieve as well as control issues.It is never a partnership where you look after each others needs. wants,etc. it is always a "me versus you'relationship, which is why it is almost ridiculous to call it a"relationship", there is NO RELATING, he must win at all costs, subjugate you and you must be submissive and go along with his every whim for you are not really a person, are you????
Nov 30 - 6PM (Reply to #11)
shortway
shortway's picture

Yes ONwithmylife Not sure if

Yes ONwithmylife Not sure if you read a while back about the blocking thing on Fb I went through with my ex.Well I blocked him to only unblock him because I didn't want to keep going on about the cheating and I was on a business trip..Well I am 100percent convinced he only lured me back into the arena to "talk" with me..NOT..more like demean,dismiss,disregard,avoid....only so he could BLOCK me to my face on FB..I did it because we were fighting...but he did it because he wanted the last say and ultimate control over the situation..I was drawn in so he could be like SMACK your arse is now blocked....Well..I got around that and sent him a kiss my arse (everything I was holding back because I was begging for our friendship,and mercy from the cheating and his disregard(.well I did a little NARc activity and opened an account and ripped him a new one..then blocked him on that account...I was the Narc...But it had to be done..I was a submissive,silenced woman because I was so distressed and beaten down..Then I said you know what MOFO...no way..and I just had to tell him what I really thought..Such as "you are a drug addict"..such as "i have two psychology degrees and you have a personality disorder""such as "keep running coward".....LOL...Was I playing into the control game he does to me..YES..BUT..he needed to hear how I really felt after he took advantage of me,my family,etc....Do I regret acting like a NArc..control control..YEs..Do I regret telling him he is a piece of shitola....NO.. :)
Nov 30 - 3PM
shortway
shortway's picture

Yep..Even when I would do

Yep..Even when I would do something noce for him.He would complain about it or make a rude comment..because if he were to value me for it that would be him givng me control or power and he can't have that..Just realizing how much of a control freak he is.
Nov 30 - 3PM (Reply to #6)
blueeyes
blueeyes's picture

I am feeling weird about this

I am trying to rack my brain to focus on control and physic cords for SOI. My brain is mush today. I got nothin'! What the heck is happening some sorta mind block for his control habits? Maybe my mind wont let me? I am serious I cannot remember the issue with control but I am sure he had it but he always told me I did! REALLY? WTF? Idk? Sorry, to sound whack but I feel like a weirdo today.
Nov 30 - 3PM (Reply to #7)
shortway
shortway's picture

My brain is mush today

My brain is mush today too!..Lol..Part of it is blocking it out and being so "controlled" from it..It is always little stuff that ads up..Like You wouldn't think him pulling away was about control until you realize all the other little things they do..They are slick..mind control!. Mine would also have to dominate a conversation and talk boastly about himself or the guys who he worked with..Like everyone else was supposed to look up to him.If I were to bring him down from this gloating he would be pissy.He also had to control the conversation...with me and my family.i watched him talk to them sometimes and I would feel sorry for them that they had to witness this lack of respect for anything they had to say,they would just end up yessing him to death...
Nov 30 - 2PM
shortway
shortway's picture

He felt outta control only

He felt outta control only when he saw me STRONG and SMARTER to him. Yes blueyes..mine too..When I succeeded at getting my dream job,he felt threatened,out of control.When I caught him cheating,complete and utter lose of control.This made HIm CRAZY>.Where the D+D came from.He was doing everything to make me the crazy one....Even when we were talkign like friends,I could feel if I struck an emotion with him,he felt uncomfortable and powerless because then he would have to admit feelings to me..and of course he wouldn't..I even recognized when I would go to kiss him or say I love you that he would hold back because he even wanted to control this!..That if he actually commited it would be a weakening of himself..Don't some men get that giving into a woman isn't shedding your masculinity and it is actually more masculine..such tools!...lol
Nov 30 - 3PM (Reply to #4)
blueeyes
blueeyes's picture

Shortway

Lol. Mine was that way, the kiss ass times were so fake, made me feel less respect for him. OPATHETIC. He would eventually blow up and scream "I kiss your ass and you don't budge." Raging of course. Assholes.
Nov 30 - 2PM
blueeyes
blueeyes's picture

Hmmm?

I never thought about this. My Narc was the in the moment type. He felt outta control only when he saw me STRONG and SMARTER to him. It was then he would get a job or straighten up. Hm, I wonder about the control tho? I never thought about that. I will put it on my list. Thanks!
Nov 30 - 2PM
terri
terri's picture

It's about control from day one with a narc

I recognized this very early on in my N-relationship. I even pointed it out several times to the exN. His response was very cool and calculated - "You (me) seem to be obsessed with this notion of me (him) needing control over you. I think it's really YOU (me) that needs control - You're the control freak!" How's that for some good old-fashioned projection/manipulation? And the worst part of it is it worked! For years!! I actually ended up altering my reactions to things he said and did so that I didn't appear to have control issues. My ex-husband (not the exN) had control issues as well that were displayed very passively-aggressively. I don't think I would know how to act in a normal relationship with a man who didn't need to control EVERYTHING!

Believe in yourself!
Terri