Reality Check/What were we getting?

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#1 Aug 2 - 5PM
Beachcolors
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Reality Check/What were we getting?

I met him in May 2008 and by my birthday in Septemeber I knew he was a full blown pathalogical Narcissist. Even though he wouldn't unleash his destructive behavior on me for another two months, all of the warning signs were there.

Most of which were pointed out to me by him. He warned me not to fall in love with him. He told me that he was a mean and cruel man. He told me story after story of the ways he had hurt and destroyed other women. Sometimes he even laughed about how bad he's been.

I knew what he was from early on....I suspect that a lot of us did if we are honest. Didn't we all really know what was happening? Didn't we all really know that this guy was a trainwreck when it came to relationships. So why did we stay? There has to be something that we were getting out of being with these men. Im going to think about the real reason I was with him.

Aug 2 - 7PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

wasn't our fault IN ANY WAY SHAPE or FORM

You really really really need to read WOMEN WHO LOVE PSYCHOPATHS. The luring/ seduction - the BRAINWASHING and IMBEDDED NLP commands - the MIND CONTROL... we did nothing... even if we had an INKLING - they hypnotized - YES HYPNOTIZED us and there was NOTHING we could do about it. http://narc-attack.blogspot.com/2008/04/blaming-victim-of-narcissism.html NOTHING!!!! Stop even thinking about beating yourself up. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG!!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily Online Coaching for Victims of Narcissists/ Psychopaths
Aug 2 - 5PM
insectt (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Most of us don't realize the

Most of us don't realize the pathology of NPD until AFTER we start trying figure out why we have suddenly become 'crazy' and then realize 'it's not us' Mine was like that, too. Stating that he is a 'good guy' maybe not a 'good guy' with women but in the rest of his life he is. In the beginning he would say "I don't want to settle down' then turn around and say 'You could wake up to this the next 30 years'. he would tell me how he ruined all of his past relationships and then say 'you are the perfect woman. I never want to know life without you.' I think most of us are kind, honest people and when we hear this, we don't interpret 'uh oh, red flag!' we interpret it as 'this guy just hasn't found the right woman to 'make it work' with but I think he sees it in me!'..because remember, even though they are confessing these things they are also ACTING like our Prince Charming and doing perfectly and flawlessly!!! Our egos are inflated, our hearts are going pitter patter, we love to be around this charming, charismatic, overly stunning good looking man every single second. We are LUCKY they are interested in US. We interpret it to our advantage and not to our disadvantage because someone so wonderful could not possibly so evil.
Aug 2 - 6PM (Reply to #9)
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

same here

insectt, couldn't have said it better. I didn't know until after he left for the last time when I started searching for answers...desperately, because of course I thought in some ways I drove him away! I knew there were things I didn't like, things that made me miserable, but we stay in that 'confusion' mode because they're skillful at keeping us there...just enough so we don't leave. NOW that I do know, I've maintained NC, and will not take his butt back, ever. And going forward, I know enough to look for red flags, and will do my best to spot trouble when I see it. I'm not sure what goes through one's mind when they find out and choose to stay?? I imagine it's our need to make things better, and we can help them change...that coupled with the intense brainwashing, financial dependence, etc...does not ever make it an 'easy' decision to leave, I'm sure.
Aug 2 - 6PM (Reply to #2)
finallydone
finallydone's picture

I agree with you both

What I mean by that is... yes... I knew something was wrong with him. I knew him as a "friend" for several years. But an occasional show up on the weekends and party with us kind of friend. We all knew he was "flaky" as we used to say... but i always thought he was sexy. One of the first things I said to him when we actually started getting together was "I would never encourage any women to get involved with you, you are too an on your own type of guy". And he got a look on his face like I'd pierced his heart. I remember that like it's etched in my brain. However, what insect1 said is actually how it felt. He was so gorgeous and mysterious and bad-boy and talented and sexy and focused all that attention on me. I have never ever ever felt so gorgeous, smart, fascinating, wonderful in my whole life. And I think that's what I'm desperately missing now. I go to bed with an ache and wake up with an ache. Every day it's exactly the same.... constant painful misery. I miss him... I seriously do... even though I know.
Aug 2 - 8PM (Reply to #6)
laura (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Constant painful misery

I agree, will this terrible pain ever go away? I too go to bed each night and remember all the nights of him next to me. Yes, I do remember the bad but oh how I remember the good times as well, the way he would look in my eyes and make me feel as if I was the most beautiful and special woman in the world. I know he is wrong for me I know I know I know but God I miss him, I miss his touch. Why do they do this to us? Why do they bring us to a place of total trust then make it all about them??? Yes, I know... but the constant pain is almost unbearable.
Aug 2 - 9PM (Reply to #8)
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

laura

I understand that pain...the unbearable feeling. I used to think I wanted someone to just put me in a coma for a while so I didn't have to feel it or face it. It takes work, but it does lessen. I've been away for 5 months, and there is a noticeable difference in my feelings. I haven't let him continue to influence me, and lacking that constant brainwashing has made the "I'm so in love" feelings turn more toward, "I was in love with a fake image". No contact does wonders. This allows us to THINK FOR OURSELVES. I've come here to the forums and read stories that are so similar to mine, down to things he said. I realized his words were not sincere, he was following a 'pathological script'. And I kept telling myself the sad truth...it hurts, but you have to tell yourself, 'He didn't love me'. This really makes sense too! How could someone love you and criticize you, play mind games with you, make you feel badly about yourself without any reason...how COULD a human being do that to another?? Once you think a while on your own, you realize that you are so much more worth it, and deserve a lot better. They truly start diminishing in your brain. You have to journal, read the bad stuff over an over...as hard as it is...to remind you of how AWFUL they are. I have no romantic ideals about mine now...no romantic fantasies that he'll change miraculously. He is who he is. And he used me for his twisted needs. I also learned that he targeted me because I AM A GOOD PERSON. I'm not the failure he tried to lead me to believe. That's why he wanted me...he needed the good things about me that were lacking in him. This reality catapulted me much closer to the person I was before I met him....rather than that sad, confused, low-self-esteemed person I started out as after he left me. Coming here every day ....YES, every day...has been my life-line. Also, some therapy helped me VENT a lot of frustration and hurt. It gets better...just stay on the path. Hugs!!
Aug 2 - 8PM (Reply to #7)
Beachcolors
Beachcolors's picture

I describe it like this

What I told my friends who say WTF? Bad isn't all that he was, he was a lot of things.....and when it was bad it was REALLY bad but when it was good it was REALLY good. It's as good as it is bad. At least it was for me.
Aug 2 - 6PM (Reply to #3)
insectt (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

finallydone

Yes! We al ahve the 'same story' because they all have the 'same' pathology! I knew mine in our socail circles as well for several years. And also, before we 'got together' I had the sense he was a 'womanzier' And, like you, when I brought it to his attention VERY early in our realtionship, he aslo look wounded and stunned. I said "It's fine if you want to be bachelor of the year but just let the women know you are 'just dating' (Because he comes on so strong and makes them feel like the only one!) His stunned and hurt reply to this was "I'm not trying to be bachelor of the year, I have only been with four women in the last three years" Yes, but I later found out they were 'overlapping' four women because of his pathology and history of 'cheating'.... Of course, after he didn't need to impress me anymore he liked to brag that one of his hobbies was 'women' and he 'loved big boobs'...how fast the modesty faded!
Aug 3 - 11AM (Reply to #4)
Scoop
Scoop's picture

Im really trying to work on

Im really trying to work on myself , i did not deserve all the outraigious things he said to me , in my last conversation with him he actualy said "you loved me way more than i love you " what a terrible thing to say to anyone ,like an acusation like i was mud on his shoe and to top it all he started the conversation (WTF) I am coming to terms with the fact i was soo much better than him in everyway , but somewhere along the line i ended up feeling like he was better than me . He is poison and slowly everyone is realizing it . I stuggled with thinking that maybe he wasnt a narcissist and that he "just wasnt that in to me " but i have put that one to bed as i read these post its "SNAP" all the way . I feel cheated as he pretended he was in love with me all along the line , he never gave me the right signals so i could make an informed decission on weather i was in the right relationship . I would never go out with a man who i didnt think was into me . He made me feel the most brilliant person on the plant , the best looking , funniest and cleverest ,he would cuddle me all night and we would spend hours just lying and talking . , these are all signs he was into me ,untill the 3 ugly D& D . I went to my first counciling session today , she hadnt come across narcissism in her 28 years and she admitted not serfing the net . Still i liked her and she did say she will look it up .Ill see how i go with her . Im sorry us guys are missing our ns so much , its the same here and im glad he has gone quite as i dont think i could take the nice him at the moment .Im at 5 weeks nc (apart from one msn conversation which im not repeating and im not counting lol)I do feel better than i did at the start ,the fog is lifting day by day and the panic is manageable . Big hugs girlfriends Peru x
Aug 3 - 1PM (Reply to #5)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

perutoo

good that she's willing to work on it. send her here... and to Sandra Brown's site and loan her all your books on the subject! ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily Online Coaching for Victims of Narcissists/ Psychopaths