Reading On This Forum = VALIDATION. A brief introduction.

13 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 Jun 19 - 12PM
FreeToBe
FreeToBe's picture

Reading On This Forum = VALIDATION. A brief introduction.

I'm a new member. Like I said in a previous post...my story is under construction. I started writing it today but found that after a couple of hours, I was only a few months into my experience with my ex who told me that he was diagnosed as borderline/narcissistic 6 months into our relationship. I had ridden that rollercoaster for almost 5 years. Half way through the ride I began my detachment process. We have been broken up for 15 months with the exception of a 2 month period where I broke NC with him in what I believed to be an effort on my part to make some peace with him. I realize now that really what I was needing from him was a genuine apology and validation. Needless to say, I got neither and I have finally awoken to the truth of exactly who he is and what he has done to me. I no longer wish to have anything to do with him. I will find my own peace thank you very much!

So, I find this website and find that here is where I get validation. The blogs here inspire me, piss me off, make me cry and/or give me strength.

I am basically 15+ months free from his subhuman ass. Even though he told me exactly who he is early on in our relationship, I wanted to believe in his goodness. And here I sit, still, needing validation. WTH?

Anyways, I'm sorry for all of the pain that we have all experienced and I want to thank all of you for speaking your truths on this forum. I'm looking forward to sharing, learning and moving forward with all of you!

-FreeToBe

Jun 19 - 1PM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Welcome...

Here I can guarantee you will find healing and you are absolutely correct in that we have to come to terms with the fact that we will NEVER get validation, closure or an apology from these disordered individuals, but we can and WILL provide it for ourselves...and know at least that it is genuine and with merit. Hugs!
Jun 19 - 1PM (Reply to #12)
FreeToBe
FreeToBe's picture

Thanks for the hug

Thanks for the hug Michelle. Your posts in particular express my anger very articulately! It feels awesome to finally be pissed off at the truth and depth of abuse that I have endured from my ex. How crazy is that? Happy because I'm pissed? Strange concept. But it took me a very long time to get here.
Jun 19 - 12PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Free

Welcome, Hunter
Jun 19 - 1PM (Reply to #2)
FreeToBe
FreeToBe's picture

Need Advise, Please

Thank you, Hunter. I have to be honest with you, a part of me is very leary about sharing my story with all of you because a part of the projection that my ex did was to try and convince me that I am borderline. He once joined a forum for loved ones with personality disordered individuals portraying himself as a victim of me. I like to call it The Ultimate in BPD/NPD Projection. HE is the one who has been diagnosed as such and he had the gall to flip that on me! Fortunately, I have spoken with 2 therapists, my ex husband of 18 years, friends and family about this and every single one of them have told me that it is not me. At the same time, I want TO GET IT OUT! When I talk to people about it, they have no true understanding as to the depth of the damage he has done to me. I don't know what to do. Maybe some of you can offer me some advise on this. I really don't want him to get wind of my presence here but then again, I really want to converse with people who know exactly where I am coming from.
Jun 20 - 1AM (Reply to #9)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

FREE TO BE!

LMAO! Borderline?..ha! Diagnosing victims is the Narc's calling card... I was labeled Bi-polar - pure projection!!! AND for months I kept repeating on this forum: And he called me BI-Polar! and he called me Bi-Polar - other times I ranted about his stealing my dustpan - that was a gaslight move...for sure! Imagine how nuts I'd sound telling people: He stole my dustpan!...yep...but no one here raised one eyelash...Did I tell YOU he stole my dustpan?...:) I feel your pain, I really do...give it time, he will be the biggest comic relief you've ever known...but it takes time... Hugs!
Jun 20 - 11AM (Reply to #10)
FreeToBe
FreeToBe's picture

Ha! Yes! Borderline! But...I

Ha! Yes! Borderline! But...I did act borderline in a sense. My reactions to his BS were very similar to the actions of a borderline. I was made to defend everything about myself. I was in a constant state of defense and ready to combat and stand up for myself. After a year and a half of him totally disrespecting me in regards to other women, blaming me, ridiculing me, chewing me up, spitting me out and dumped me for the 50th time, I'd had enough of his rejection and went and had sex with my old flame. It was kind of my big FU to him. After that, I kind of turn the wheel on him where I started dumping his ass. He subsequently quit pointing out women he found to be "hot", women he'd like to have sex with, quit talking to other women behind my back (actually, he probably hid it - I'm no dummy by any means) and became more stealthy about ogling other women while he was out with me. You see...my "cheating" on him enabled him to divert the bad behavior and attention off of him and re-focused (DIVERSION) it on me. Now he TRULY had something to blame on me! I didn't want to do it. I was in love with that person who repeatedly cycled between treating me like complete shit and then lovingly placing me back on my pedestal. It was SICK, SICK, SICK! But, I assure you...I am not BPD. I was weak when it came to his promise of love but fortunately, strong minded and strong willed! Instead of wasting so much sanity and spiritual energy on loving him, I should have been loving myself!
Jun 20 - 1AM (Reply to #8)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

FREE TO BE!

LMAO! Borderline?..ha! Diagnosing victims is the Narc's calling card... I was labeled Bi-polar - pure projection!!! AND for months I kept repeating on this forum: And he called me BI-Polar! and he called me Bi-Polar - other times I ranted about his stealing my dustpan - that was a gaslight move...for sure! Imagine how nuts I'd sound telling people: He stole my dustpan!...yep...but no one here raised one eyelash...Did I tell YOU he stole my dustpan?...:) I feel your pain, I really do...give it time, he will be the biggest comic relief you've ever known...but it takes time... Hugs!
Jun 19 - 6PM (Reply to #7)
Tinker
Tinker's picture

freetobe - that IS the

freetobe - that IS the ultimate in projection to call you disordered, wow that's a new one for me. of course, we've all been called crazy, told we remember things wrong, they deny they did it/said it, etc. as to writing your story, you know best, but the chances of him finding you here is slim. tell your story. it's true and you need to tell it to heal. do what you need to get better. hugs!!
Jun 19 - 1PM (Reply to #3)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Free to me

Posting your story isn't required! It's to make you feel better. For me I've been her so long I don't bother reading most stories, same guy different body and another victim! If it helps you do it we all get this gig! What would he do if he sees it? He's just another assclown, You need to go NC ASAP Hunter
Jun 19 - 1PM (Reply to #4)
FreeToBe
FreeToBe's picture

"Posting your story isn't

"Posting your story isn't required! It's to make you feel better. For me I've been her so long I don't bother reading most stories, same guy different body and another victim!" I totally get it! In fact, I have been keeping a journal for about 3 years and to be honest I am sick of rehashing the relationship. I am in NC with him, have been for a long time. I have finally cleared the fog from my life. I don't accept all of the blame any more. I finally see him in all of his glory. Maybe it's not so much validation I am seeking because I KNOW THE TRUTH. I just want to move forward, get it out and reach the point of total indifference. That helped, Hunter. I really don't want to re-live it. I just want to move forward with all of you.
Jun 19 - 3PM (Reply to #6)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Free

All you can do when dealing with these ass clowns is stay NC and do what makes you happy! The lesson they teach is valuable but it's not easy getting there. It takes time and self love! Hunter
Jun 19 - 1PM (Reply to #5)
FreeToBe
FreeToBe's picture

Thank you!

Thank you!