rant, vent and so much more

27 posts / 0 new

#1 Sep 27 - 9PM

grossot

rant, vent and so much more

Oh dear here we go again. I just want to post this because I feel like this is my interactive journal and when crappy things happen with N I know I can count on you all to encourage and support me cuz you've been 'there'.

I don't even know what tactic he's using here. Frankly I'm just so tired of dealing with it. How did I live with this person for 7 yrs.?

Emails from today:

Me:
(Bible club) starts @ 530. I will need to pick her up at 5

N:
How am i going to have my hour made up to me, each week she goes to (bible club)

Me:
Or you could bring her to (bible club) and spend time with her there like me

N:
I told u, because of the lies u told they treat me different, so no i don't won't to do that,

Me:
K c u @5 @ walmart then

N:
No, i am not giving up more of my time with her, so how r u going to make the time up for me

Me:
On aug 30 u brought (daughter) to me 1 hour later than scheduled drop off time. I gave u an hour with her then. C u @ 5.

N:
And the last weekend i had (daughter) u showed up early & spent an hour at the house
(Yes he's talking about the day called the sheriff bc I was at the house)

Me:
U were there with her as well just like u could b with her tonight at (bible club) for an hour

N:
Court papers say 6

Me:
Then why did u bring her back @ 7 one night?

N:
Look its really no big deal to me and i dont mind meeting u for (daughter)'s sake but i no u will not reciprocate

Me:
Thx! C u @ 5 @ walmart

N:
No
(I do not respond)

N:
Btw do u no the definition of the word compromise?
(I do not respond)

N:
See u at 6:00

Me:
Where?

N:
At walmart

Me:
So (daughter)'s not allowed to go to (bible club) on your weekends?

N:
No she is, when do i get my make up time?

(I do not respond)

30 minutes later:
N:
U can come to the house at 4:45 to get (daughter) for (bible club)

Me:
Ok!

I get there on time and he has gf and her kids there playing outside like a happy family. It was the first time I saw them together. Then daughter did that thing again where she she cries for her dad and as soon as he turns away she cracks up laughing. I'm videoing it on my phone next time.
Thank you for listening.
It was a bad day but I got my girl and she is safe.

#2 Sep 30 - 5PM

Carolyn

It is hard for sanity when

It is hard for sanity when the other person deliberately talks in circles to confuse and finally enrage you. There was a bit done by two comedians Lou Abott and his partner Costello. Its called 'who's on first' and it sounds just like your conversation about Wal-Mart and Bible Class. If you could somehow get a dvd of Abott and Costello's bits and see 'who's on first' you would know exactly what this technique of circular conversation is all about. It is an intentional infliction of emotional harm using non-sensical and controlling conversation to demean, confuse, and diminish the other person. Maybe you could break the circle by saying crazy things back like did you know Wal-Mart closed? the bible class is having a father's event for the next session can you take her? Just confuse him? You have to ask questions in order to get control of the conversation it is actually a formal technique in debate and arguement. Always make everything a question. Make him so confused he won't want to deal with you.

#3 Sep 29 - 8PM

grossot

mallory -ex parte

It is an 'emergency' restraining order that will be sent out right away for the judge to sign. It might say things like he cannot damage your property; he cannot harrass you by phone; he cannot damage your credit etc. ~Give a Narc an inch and they become the ruler~ nolongercontrolled

http://hubpages.com/hub/Married-to-a-Narcissist?preview

nolongercontrolled

#4 Sep 29 - 8AM

grossot

Barbara

Daughter's counselor is on the list I've given my lawer to give the guardian at litem for interviewing. As is my psych, the 2 drs who examined daughter, the first counselor she saw and my spiritual counselor I saw in the beginning. Thanks. Don't know when the interviews are taking place. ~Give a Narc an inch and they become the ruler~ nolongercontrolled

http://hubpages.com/hub/Married-to-a-Narcissist?preview

nolongercontrolled

#5 Sep 29 - 1PM (Reply to #22)

Barbara (not verified)

grossot

good. Still... get a letter from her saying the GF being around your child is confusing and conflicting her. Then go to lawyer for ex parte order. This is a SEPARATE issue. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Pathologicals only discard the best, most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth!" - A.V.

#6 Sep 29 - 1PM (Reply to #23)

malloryforest

ex parte order

What is an ex parte order?

#7 Sep 29 - 8PM (Reply to #24)

Barbara (not verified)

ex parte order

http://www.kinseylaw.com/clientserv2/famlawservices/temporders/tempcustodyvisit/tempcustodyvisit.html ~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Pathologicals only discard the best, most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth!" - A.V.

#8 Sep 28 - 8PM

malloryforest

grossot

What do you mean, when your daughter cries for your husband, and then turns around and cracks up laughing? That really stood out to me. Do you mind elaborating? Also, how old is your daughter?

#9 Sep 28 - 9PM (Reply to #13)

grossot

mallory

thanks for asking. This has really been bothering me and I'm glad you said something. I was going to share that on here to see what everyone thinks My daughter is 5 and this has happened two times now. I go to get her from her da after she's been with him for 2 days and she clings to him and cries "I want my daddy!". He will play the victim as he sadly puts her in the car as if I'm taking her away from him! Then the instant he's out of sight she starts laughing uncontrolably. The first time she did this I called his phone # (mines a private # he can't know) and handed it to her immediately she was still laughing until I heard him answer. Then she went back into weepy mode saying "I miss you: will you tell (gf's kids) I miss them?" Phone call done. Laughing returns. I asked my psychiatrist about this (as well as telling daughter's councelor). My Dr. Says daughter is manipulting N because she's in survival mode with him and has to have her needs met by giving him what he wants. On the other hand she can be real with me bc she feels comfortable with me. Dr. Says I can say to her "I'm sorry that you feel you have to pretend around your dad. I'm glad you can be yourself around me". Do you find this strange? Have you had a similar experience? ~Give a Narc an inch and they become the ruler~ nolongercontrolled

http://hubpages.com/hub/Married-to-a-Narcissist?preview

nolongercontrolled

#10 Sep 28 - 9PM (Reply to #14)

malloryforest

not strange

I don't find any behavior of a child's who has an N for a father to be strange. My son will do something similar, but not as dramatic. He is around the same age as your daughter. Mine enjoys being with his dad,but there is also a lot of hurt and anger. I told my son he was not going to go with his father to his dad's hotel during this visit. This was recommended by son's therapist. When dad is leaving for the hotel, he says to dad.."I want to go with you to the hotel, I want to go with you to the hotel." Dad leaves, and I put son to sleep. He kisses me and tells me he is happy he is home with me and his sister and not in the hotel. I don't tell his Dad the next day. No point. It is just interesting how he acts one way with dad, and another way with me. He has also repeatedly told me that he can't let dad down. He won't let dad down. I don't want son to feel that he has to take care of any of our feelings. I hope he always feels he can be completely honest with me. I always tell him that I am glad he had a nice time with his dad, I hope he has a nice time with his dad. I really do try to show my son that he can be as open and honest with me about whatever feelings he has. I also let him know that just because mommy and daddy aren't getting along, that doesn't mean he should not get along with daddy. His relationship with daddy is separate from mommy's relationship with daddy. I also let him know that mommy will not be upset if he has a great time with daddy or if he loves daddy. He can share with me the things he did with his dad, and if he doesn't want to he doesn't have to. That is up to him. It is hard for little kids. It is hard for sensitive kids. They don't want to hurt either parent, and they don't want to let down either parent.

#11 Sep 29 - 7AM (Reply to #20)

grossot

i meant the narc!

I meant to say do you think that's strange on the narc's part but I guess that's a stupid question! He's obviously hypnotizing her to be that way.... Hold your babies tight, mallory! ~Give a Narc an inch and they become the ruler~ nolongercontrolled

http://hubpages.com/hub/Married-to-a-Narcissist?preview

nolongercontrolled

#12 Sep 28 - 9PM (Reply to #15)

Barbara (not verified)

mallory

I always tell my children that they are NOT RESPONSIBLE for me... it is MY JOB to be responsible for them. Their job is to go to school, learn and grow up to be positive members of society. Period. As a disabled person I am always worried about my kids feeling like caretakers. I ask them to help out because that's what FAMILIES do - but that I am responsible for my own well being, not them. I make that very clear. I also tell them they could NEVER EVER "let me down." That my love for them is unconditional. My favorite line with them "I Love You, but I don't always love your behavior." I hope the therapist knows about the letting Dad down stuff. And son has learned how to manipulate from Dad obviously. Can't wait until that psychopath has to go thru the psych-evaluation. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Pathologicals only discard the best, most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth!" - A.V.

#13 Sep 28 - 10PM (Reply to #16)

malloryforest

Barbara

You mentioned some key words. Our love for our kids is UNCONDITIONAL. the kids are not RESPONSIBLE for either parent. each child has a right to choose what kind of relationship they want with each parent, and this relationship should not be dictated by either parent.

#14 Sep 28 - 10PM (Reply to #18)

grossot

do you think

Do you think my daughter feels responsible for her parents? Oh God I hope notB I tell her whenever ahe brings it up its not her fault. Its hard but for instance when she said "why wouldn't daddy take me to the wedding" after she saw her head dress and it reminded her I said "bc daddy wanted to spend time with you". Its about HER. I will never let him make it about HIM again! I think my dr was trying to clear the air and get me to see that daughter needed some reassurance and to let her know that she should always be herself. I'm always afraid to say anything to her without the advisement of my psych or her counselor (or my mom!). I pray over her at bedtime that God will remove her anxiety and bless her with confidence. Thanks. ~Give a Narc an inch and they become the ruler~ nolongercontrolled

http://hubpages.com/hub/Married-to-a-Narcissist?preview

nolongercontrolled

#15 Sep 28 - 10PM (Reply to #19)

Barbara (not verified)

grossot

"bc daddy wanted to spend time with you Actually - you just made an EXCUSE for him. The better answer would have been "I don't know sweetie. You will have to ask him." I tell mine when they ask why: "I don't know why Daddy does or says those things. I wish I did. But remember I love you no matter what." That way you don't EXCUSE him or PLACATE her - you put her doubts and the responsibility BACK WHERE IT BELONGS - ON HIM. And you change the message to a positive one between you & her without saying anything negative about him. Get it? ~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Pathologicals only discard the best, most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth!" - A.V.

#16 Sep 28 - 10PM (Reply to #17)

Barbara (not verified)

mallory - right on

this is right on with one exception - it is up to the parents (and in our cases the custodial parent and the one who's not pathological) to create boundaries so the children are not exposed to the pathological parent's bad behavior and start to believe it is ACCEPTABLE and O.K. to behave and treat others that way. Once the child is about 17-18 maybe, THEN they can choose. Until then the parents shouldn't manipulate them one way or the other. My kids? They figured out right away Dad thinks its ALL ABOUT HIM. He did that ALL BY HIMSELF. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Pathologicals only discard the best, most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth!" - A.V.

#17 Sep 28 - 4AM

grossot

thank You

Thank you very helpful article. I think I'll get that book. Give a Narc an inch and they become the ruler~ nolongercontrolled

http://hubpages.com/hub/Married-to-a-Narcissist?preview

nolongercontrolled

#18 Sep 27 - 9PM

NanC (not verified)

grossot

You know that he "staged" that whole scenario! He knew you were coming and what time you were coming so he made sure everyone had their place on stage! He's a miserable bastard and you know damn well he is just as whacked with her as he was with you. If she isn't miserable yet, it won't be long. I was so jealous when I found out my ex N had a new gf and she had two boys (I had two boys that loved him like a father). Anyway, it was nothing like imagined it to be. After I became "text buddies" with his gf (now ex gf), she said her kids hated him and they were miserable when he was around. She said she knew something was wrong with him but couldn't put her finger on it...just like the rest of us! Anyway, I went to church today and I prayed to God to give all the people on this website peace in their hearts and to let us live a happy life. We can truly say "I have walked in your shoes and I know your pain!"

#19 Sep 28 - 4AM (Reply to #5)

grossot

NanC

Yea, I know he staged it. He doesn't even want me on his 'premises'. Called the sheriff last time. Even though my name is on the mortgage and the deed. Does he think I'm stupid? NanC, does it ever get better? It seems like you're in a pretty good place now and can laugh at a lot of things. I would imagine it helps to be able to talk to the ex gf's. Well thanks for posting! ~Give a Narc an inch and they become the ruler~ nolongercontrolled

http://hubpages.com/hub/Married-to-a-Narcissist?preview

nolongercontrolled

#20 Sep 28 - 8PM (Reply to #8)

NanC (not verified)

grossot

I have to see my exN this Friday for his first "official visitation" for the weekend. I hope he doesn't bring his gf again, but I think I'm stronger now. I have it in my head now that he is a fake, a worthless loser, and I'm not going to shed any more tears for him. I know he is never ever going to change and he will never make anyone happy. I'm not trying to toot my own horn here but he had it made with me. I come from a good (large) family. I have alot of relatives that accepted him and he would have had everything he didn't have from his own family (our Christmas our big, all the holidays are big!)...but that still wasn't enough for him. I've had in laws and some of nieces or nephews spouses that have divorced their spouses and the ex's still want to come to our family get togethers. All of our holidays start off with prayer and thanks. My personality is, I know no strangers, I'm friendly to everyone, even people I see at the mall, I'm low maintenance. He had it made! Men like yours and mine our miserable and will never ever be happy. They can pretend all they want, but who better than us know the real "them"! How long has your exN had this gf?

#21 Sep 28 - 9PM (Reply to #10)

Barbara (not verified)

NanC

Your lawyer needs to call him and say NO GF!! Your visitation agreement should CLEARLY STATE - NO GIRLFRIENDS around the child during visitation. It is TOO confusing for her. Is she in counseling yet??? YOU NEED TO GET TOUGH WITH YOUR LAWYER. YOU run the show - NOT THE LAWYER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! http://www.parentingplan.net/ ~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Pathologicals only discard the best, most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth!" - A.V.

#22 Sep 28 - 9PM (Reply to #9)

Barbara (not verified)

NanC

Your lawyer needs to call him and say NO GF!! Your visitation agreement should CLEARLY STATE - NO GIRLFRIENDS around the child during visitation. It is TOO confusing for her. Is she in counseling yet??? YOU NEED TO GET TOUGH WITH YOUR LAWYER. YOU run the show - NOT THE LAWYER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Pathologicals only discard the best, most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth!" - A.V.

#23 Sep 28 - 7PM (Reply to #6)

NanC (not verified)

Grossot

Don't miss this monster! Think of all the ugly things he did to u & your daughter. Don't ignore your gut instinct! U know he is sick & be thankful that you don't live under the same roof! Does anyone in your family know about him bathing with your daughter? That is so wrong in so many levels. I don 't knowwhat to think. I want to think my exN wouldn't hurt my daughter in any way but the man I thought I knew, I really don't know at all. I feel like he is a complete stranger to me. I never saw my exN with the first gf (i think i could have literally "snapped" like that show!). He did bring the 2nd one to my house to pick up our daughter. I went pretty balistic then too but not out of hurt, it was mostly anger. Reading everybody's stories has helped me tremendously....please stay strong for yourself, but especially for your baby!

#24 Sep 28 - 9PM (Reply to #7)

grossot

He's had this gf since

He's had this gf since before we seperated even when I thought things were wonderful between us (I had the problems you know). Yes my family knows about the bathing. He testified to it. Its in the courts now and the court appointed psych is evaluating us because of this. It was like he totally flipped. He's saying now that he always bathed with her and I was fine with it. NONONoNoNO. LIE! He took showers with her when she was in diapers. After that he stopped and I thought that was that. I, being a female, continued to occassionally bathe with her for convenience until she was 4. I never saw him get in the tub with her before dec of last year (right after I found out about affairs - his N injury). But he was caring for her every Sat while I worked a 12 hour shift and when I did see him in the bath tub with her she didn't seem curious - like it had happened before (unbeknownst to me). SICK FUCK! I hope to God he's the only N that do that. I still have to let her see him until the court settles the matter. How effed up is it to bring his gf to your house to pick your daughter up? Twisted. ~Give a Narc an inch and they become the ruler~ nolongercontrolled

http://hubpages.com/hub/Married-to-a-Narcissist?preview

nolongercontrolled

#25 Sep 27 - 10PM (Reply to #2)

Barbara (not verified)

grossot

1. she should NOT be allowed around the GF and her kids - there needs to be an ex parte order. 2. next time he asks about made up time - give him your lawyer's number and tell him to call and work something out with your lawyer. He's arguing for argument sake. a TOTAL Asshole. the tactic: WEARING HER DOWN http://www.womanabuseprevention.com/html/wearing_her_down.html ~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Pathologicals only discard the best, most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth!" - A.V.

#26 Sep 28 - 4AM (Reply to #3)

grossot

Barbara

What grounds do I have for requesting an ex parte order to keep daughter away from gf? He can do what he wants when daughters with him. ~Give a Narc an inch and they become the ruler~ nolongercontrolled

http://hubpages.com/hub/Married-to-a-Narcissist?preview

nolongercontrolled

#27 Sep 29 - 7AM (Reply to #4)

Barbara (not verified)

grossot

get some back up from her counselor in writing - for the confusion and conflicted feelings it's causing her. Then approach your attorney. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Pathologicals only discard the best, most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth!" - A.V.

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