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  5. Question--anyone here have an ex N who ''hoovered'' to get revenge on you?

Question--anyone here have an ex N who ''hoovered'' to get revenge on you?

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#1 May 16 - 7PM
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

Question--anyone here have an ex N who ''hoovered'' to get revenge on you?

This is what I think my recent ex is doing. I don't even know if one would classify this as ''hoovering,'' but what he's been doing is baiting me. Maybe that's a better word for it? He had said numerous times...''don't contact me anymore,'' after he is 'nice' and then I text...(this happened two weeks ago) and then, he blasted me...and told me he didn't care if I died. Then, he'll be nice on the website...he's throwing out some 'bait' but I'm not logging in and biting this time. ;)

So...just curious if anyone on here has ever had an ex ''hoover'' or ''bait them'' but he/she weren't interested in getting back with you? They just wanted revenge, or to torment you for breaking up with them. I broke things off, so ever since then, he's been trying to regain control, is my only guess.

As an aside...I just wanted to say that I'm doing really well. Getting more and more indifferent, daily. :=) Thanks to you all, and this amazing site, I have come a long way, I'd say.

Looking forward to your stories, if you have any like mine above, to share.

May 16 - 9PM
Gravity
Gravity's picture

Him wanting to hurt you would imply he thought of you as human

Found this quote and thought it explained your question PERFECTLY. "Does he want to hurt you? Well, now, that would imply that he thinks of you as a human being – an N doesn't. What he wants is to secure supply. If he cannot do it by means of flattery, he will do it by means of cruelty. The goal is to get you to give him what he wants. He doesn't especially care which method he uses, so long as he finds one that works. I know that sounds cold. It is cold. That is the mind of a Narcissist. Cold and devoid of empathy. Because he lacks empathy, he probably doesn't know or care if he hurts you, unless he's using bullying as a technique for extracting NS from you. Even then, he couldn't care less what that does to you, apart from eliciting the desired response. If it makes him feel better about himself to belittle you, he will do that, but the ultimate goal isn't to make you feel bad, the goal is perpetuate the myth of his own perfection and simultaneously control you. If by hurting you it gets you in check, makes you take on his failings as your own, and make you work twice as hard for his approval, it's a bonus for him. If he doesn't need to employ cruelty in order to accomplish either of the above goals, he won't. It's that simple."
May 16 - 7PM
mynewlife2011
mynewlife2011's picture

all about the money and control

On my end my ExN tries to contact me, tell me I'm hot and that he still loves me and wants our family to work out because I am in the process of taking him back in for child support after losing my job. And, he now got a promotion. I actually got that job for him years ago, and he has done well with it. he is only nice, trying to keep me on the hook so that I don't screw him royally. I am debating which way to go with this one. I have two kids, and don't want them to suffer(which he will put them through) if I get what is legally mine.He doesn't fool me for a second though.
May 16 - 7PM
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

Oh, and just to clarify. I'm

Oh, and just to clarify. I'm NC. I'm not texting, calling, nothing. But, for example...a week ago, he ''called'' me on my cell, didn't leave a vm msg. I texted him back...''you called?'' He replied by text that it was an accident, and went on and on. lol We have been broken up now for going on the 6th week. And every week, there's something else he does to grab my attention. Some of you on here suggested that this is so he stays in my head. I guess it's working, since I'm posting about him. lol! But, truly...I'm to the point of laughter. I know what he's up to. I'm just wondering what his motivation is...and wondering if any of you have gone through something similar after YOU broke things off? I'm thinking if you guys broke things off ...with your narcs...the desire they might have for revenge, would be greater than if they did the breaking up. But, I guess anything's possible with these nuts! lol
May 16 - 7PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

d40

I get the silent treatment. Click and Delete that's my advice. Hunter
May 16 - 7PM (Reply to #2)
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

Hunter...did you break things

Hunter...did you break things off with him? Did he with you? I don't know those details of your story, I'm sorry. Just curious. No...I AM deleting now. I am done taking the bait. I think he just wants to play with me like a cat with a mouse...seeing he perceives me as 'winning' by ending things with him. But...just was curious if anyone here can relate to this treatment post breakup? As opposed to the traditional ''hoovering'' where the narc wants to get back together with the person...even if just for NS. I don't think he's doing that with me.
May 16 - 8PM (Reply to #7)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

D40

He D &D me. After about three abusive conversations". I said I will never speak to you again"I mean what I say. So he's calling my bluff with more abuse such as the silent treatment. He's done to this to me before. I wont deal with it anymore. I'm not making light of this, he screwed me up. However, I don't allow anyone to treat me like that, and certainly not him. Never let them see you sweat. Hunter
May 16 - 7PM (Reply to #3)
Gravity
Gravity's picture

if he sees that he can't win

if he sees that he can't win you over by traditional hoovering techniques such as "i'm sorry" ect.. he will try and get NS from you by threatening you, being mean to you ect. either way it's a reaction he is seeking.
May 16 - 7PM (Reply to #4)
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

that's it. he wants a

that's it. he wants a reaction. of any kind. i'm done giving it. Gosh, I wish I never met him. :=( I am doing well, but still...it just boggles my mind how mean, and horrible people can be in this life...to other human beings.
May 16 - 8PM (Reply to #6)
Gravity
Gravity's picture

Deidre

And by the way, stay strong
May 16 - 8PM (Reply to #5)
Gravity
Gravity's picture

Mean by Taylor Swift

I always listen to this song when I'm feeling this way: You, with your words like knives and swords and weapons that you use against me You have knocked me off my feet again got me feeling like I'm nothing You, with your voice like nails on a chalkboard, calling me out when I'm wounded You, pickin' on the weaker man Well, you can take me down with just one single blow But you don't know what you don't know Someday I'll be living in a big old city And all you're ever gonna be is mean Someday I'll be big enough so you can't hit me And all you're ever gonna be is mean Why you gotta be so mean? You, with your switching sides and your walk-by lies and your humiliation You, have pointed out my flaws again as if I don't already see them I'll walk with my head down trying to block you out 'cause I'll never impress you I just wanna feel okay again I'll bet you got pushed around, somebody made you cold But the cycle ends right now 'cause you can't lead me down that road And you don't know what you don't know Someday I'll be living in a big old city And all you're ever gonna be is mean Someday I'll be big enough so you can't hit me And all you're ever gonna be is mean Why you gotta be so mean? And I can see you years from now in a bar, talking over a football game With that same big loud opinion but nobody's listening Washed up and ranting about the same old bitter things Drunk and grumbling on about how I can't sing But all you are is mean All you are is mean and a liar and pathetic and alone in life And mean, and mean, and mean, and mean But someday I'll be living in a big old city And all you're ever gonna be is mean, yeah Someday, I'll be big enough so you can't hit me And all you're ever gonna be is mean Why you gotta be so mean? Someday, I'll be, living in a big old city (Why you gotta be so mean?) And all you're ever gonna be is mean (Why you gotta be so mean?) Someday, I'll be big enough so you can't hit me (Why you gotta be so mean?) And all you're ever gonna be is mean Why you gotta be so mean? My personal favorite part is: "All you are is MEAN and a LIAR and PATHETIC and ALONE IN LIFE. And mean, and mean, and mean, and MEAN!" I blast this in the car driving!