A question about his wife

I don't think anyone will know the answer to this, unless J's wife is here, but I'll ask anyway. Why does she stay with him? I know for a fact that she knows he cheats, because she actually confronted me via email. It was after a 3-month d&d, and at that time he and I were communicating only by phone. I told her I wasn't having an affair with him. She told me she didn't trust him, and he gave her reason to. I was pretty sure, even though he denied it, that I wasn't the first. He and his wife had been married for 13 years when he and I started, and we lasted 9 years. The way he described her, she sounded like an awful, selfish, controlling and self-absorbed person. Now, from what I've learned here, maybe that was projection? I have to believe she loves him and values her marriage, and I actually wrote that in the email to her. She never responded to that. He makes good money, he's handsome, funny, intelligent and charasmatic. I used to be very jealous of her, because she had what I wanted. Now, I kind of feel sorry for her. Does he to do her what he did to me? Or could it be worse? Or is it possible he's only a Narc to me?

ruby01's picture

for me to swallow in this ordeal is that they truly believe that they are the victims. When they are done, it's like the flip of a switch. They have nothing but contempt for you.
abreva's picture

(I didn't have another woman contacting me, but I had plenty of other red flags to deal with). In no specific order: 1. I had young children that I needed to protect. 2. I kept thinking things would improve. 3. He had me disabled because of the abuse. 4. He had our life constantly spinning such that I couldn't get un-spun. 5. He threatened court and custody and I was afraid of him. 6. I needed to get my courage up. 7. I was afraid of what would happen if I left. 8. He kept promising me my dreams - like a horse and a carrot. 9. It took me a long time to figure out what he was doing. 10. I didn't want him to run me out of MY life. 11. I was afraid that leaving would be worse than staying. 12. The abuse was so assaulting that when he wasn't abusing actively I was recovering from it. I finally left because things got so bad that I thought my life was in immediate danger. I finally left because I felt that I had no choice but to leave. I finally left because I had been preparing to leave, and my friends and family were alert to the situation, and they helped me out. I left because I was DONE. I would say that it is worse for her - because she literally shares the marital space and can not get away. It's like she's blind and can not see. You can see when you choose to see. You have your own space. (Might be a bad analogy -- but hopefully you get the point.) NOT having him in my home anymore is SO MUCH BETTER. Even though he continues to punish and manipulate and torment me - HE IS NOT HERE. I have peace. Thank God I Got OUT. I don't care what it cost me. I don't care what it continues to cost. I am as free as I possibly can be.
Im_always_fine's picture

Well that's what I said to a friend. The OW is sitting her condo with her broken heart(and if she was NARCed the realization that she's been gutted ) The wife is coping being gutted, custody of the children, the dividing of assets and property,(where to live to attempt to protect the children from complete upheaval) Lawyers(fees) child support, visitation, the inlaws, their social circle, counselling.... It is DIFFERENT for the wife.
Redhead's picture

Yes...it's a whole other ballgame when your life has legally joined his.
abreva's picture

- and finding a job - building an entirely new life - worrying about retirement
Isis's picture

"The way he described her, she sounded like an awful, selfish, controlling and self-absorbed person..." BINGO! All Narcs do this! My Narc (and I wasn't married to him, because we were both divorced), told me the same about his ex-wife. Then, he told his OWs I was a controlling, selfish and wanted to possess him. To me, he told me one of his OW wouldn't accept a no as an answer and he was always reluctant to sleep with her (yes, we can all bet so!). The story a Narc tells about any of his women to each one of them, is completely anecdotal and the worse of it, it's all there's a moment we all buy it. I also know about a case where the Narc was saying his OW his wife was not giving him sex when he was having sex with his wife almost on a daily basis. Manipulation is an art performed by a Narc.
Im_always_fine's picture

It's worse for her. He resents having to keep her (to perpetuate the facade of family man/fine upstanding citizen) She is a PROP in his theatre..in HIS world. He LOATHES having to answer to her, having to share ANYTHING with her, and punishes her mercilessly...dirty looks, insults in the guise of being funny or "helping", stealing from her(EVERYTHING) keeping her financially/emotionally/physically/spiritually/psychologically depleted, head games...and EVERY other kind other ABUSE he can get away with. Violence if she'll put up with up. She is secondary supply. But he NEEDS her. She serves a purpose, she's a superficial front to create an image on the surface to enable him to perpetrate his sadistic narcissism in secret. She helps him appear to be who he wants the world to BELIEVE he is. What a way to live. In a world of smoke and mirrors. Where nothing is real and you feel like you don't exist except to the extent that he tells you do. Leave her alone. Hasn't she been through enough.
Hunter's picture

im always fine.. How is the wife and what you describe any different than one involved with a narc., The wife is Primary Supply.. number uno.. We are all the OW.. Hunter
Used's picture

Does he to do her what he did to me? Or could it be worse? Or is it possible he's only a Narc to me? YOU HAVE JUST ASKED AND ANSWERED YOUR OWN QUESTION.. OF COURSE HE DOES THE SAME, HE WAS GOING WITH YOU BEHIND HER BACK....SO YES IT DOES IT TO YOU HER AND ANYONE ELSE HE CAN GET AWAY WITH IT... CLEAR EYES.....BE SO VERY VERY GLAD TO GET OUT....HIS WIFE HAS HAD THIS CRAP ALL HER MARRIED LIFE..... ITS A WONDER SHE HASENT GONE INSANE....
Clear eyes's picture

Today I seem to be wallowing in self pity. Not one of my better days. I've been much stronger. But today, well, who knows. But I have to apologize to all the women here who were married to narcs. I in now way want to make a mockery of your experiences, or insult you in anyway. What I did was wrong, and believe me, I'm not proud of it. Every day I knew it was wrong, but my love for him was so strong, I couldn't do the right thing and break it off. I know now how hurtful my actions could have been to my husband, and to J's wife, and I regret everything. Please know I have great respect for everyone here, and if I hurt you in any way with my question, I apologize.
abreva's picture

I am here to heal and to figure out how to get on with my life. You are here to do the same. Your discussion helps me do that work so I appreciate your contribution.
Goldie's picture

We are not about judgement as Used said. Is there something being said on here that I do not see. All I see is support and concern for you. You will be o.k. Just keep posting and reading. We are here for you. God bless, Goldie
Used's picture

I dont believe you have offended anyone, this board is about non judgement as well as healing.... we have all in some fashion been the OW, so unintentionally hurt someone...AS WE HAVE BEEN HURT... This answer is once we know the truth of who they are we go NC AND STAY NC...AND GRADUALLY GET AWAY FROM THESE PARASITES.... YOU ARE HERE TO HEAL....NOT TO BE JUDGED, AND WHO EVER CHOOSES TO STAY WITH THEM ...HAS CHOSEN THAT PATH...AND WHO EVER CHOOSES NC....HAS CHOSEN THIS PATH... WELCOME TO THE FORUM ,WHERE TO HEAL IS POSSIBLE... IF YOU EVER WANT A ONE-ONE...THEN THAT WILL BE WITH GOLDIE, WHOS WORK IS AWESOME , AS OTHERS MEMBERS WITH TESTIFY TO......
Hunter's picture

What needs to be understood .. And what some refuse to understand about the OW.. First we are all OW.. second .. These Bastards lie,lie,lie till you are sucked in... Do not apologize again.. Who doesnt like it can stuff it.. Got it? What important is that you get away and stay away.. You can also look at this as you have.. Why doest his wife see the truth and get out.. Why?.. Because they lie,lie,lie.... So stop.. BTW: How about if he leave both you and his wife alone..He is the root of the problem .. A normal man doesn't play the triangle game.. Hunter
gettinbetter's picture

Bingo! Yep as I have stated before and some dont get it. At some point in the freaks life you were the OW whether you knew it or not someone suffered possibly in silence upon your arrival into his life or shall I say into your life. Emotional abuse is all the same whether your married, committed or friends. Its all the same pain. When someone rapes your soul it really doesnt matter what your status is
Sparrow's picture

A narc can't be a narc to some and not to others. He is what he is and yes, he treats her the same as you maybe even worse, since she has been with him even longer. Plus, she is the wife, he clearly has no respect or regard for her, let alone you and the many others before and after you. Get him and her out of your head. They are irrelevant to you and your healing at this point. Know in the future, the red flags, and run like the wind if a married man approaches you again, whether he is disordered or not, nothing good could possibly come from a man of deceit.
GeorgiaGirl's picture

Life with a narc is no picnic whether you are the wife or the OW or the on again-off again piece of ass on the side. They are master manipulators and keep many women "going" at the same time to fulfill their need for supply. In reference to the wife, she stays for a million reasons - money, real estate, insecurity, insurance, stockholm syndrome, blah, blah, blah (insert reason here). Maybe she's like me - he was my soulmate, I never thought he'd cheat on me, I refused to acknowledge what he truly was and I wanted so badly for my "dream man" to be real that I denied all the rest of the HELL going on right before my eyes. His description of her to you was to garner your sympathy for poor, poor narcie boy who had put up with sooooooo much from that horrible bitch of a wife. Guess what?? No maybe about it...IT WAS ALL PROJECTION! They will tell you what they are if you really, truly listen...he just told you he is an, "awful, selfish, controlling and self-absorbed person". That pretty much sums up every narc I've ever heard of. There is nothing to be jealous of here. She's being mindfucked, you've been mindfucked and major recovery and healing needs to take place for you both. End of story.
Isis's picture

Extraordinary post! Spot on!
Hunter's picture

I do have the answer.. The same reason you stayed for 9 years.. Yes she is treated the same or worse.. Hunter
Clear eyes's picture

I didn't think of it that way. I always made excuses for what I now know is emotional abuse -- the silent treatments, back-handed compliments. And, I always came back to thinking one thing -- it was my fault and I deserved it. God,it pisses me off now even writing that. But you're right, Hunter, I stayed too long. I thought more of him than I did of me.
Goldie's picture

WIFE. HUGE RED FLAG. A BILLBOARD. A nice guy does NOT trash his wife no matter what she is like. He would just have his affair and keep his personal life to himself. AN ASS HOLE who is lying and looking for sympathy, pity, and GREAT NEW SUPPLY will tell you whatever they think will get you to stay with them and play second best and second fiddle to the wife. HMMMMM how can I have my cake and eat it too. I know, I will lie lie lie and get new supply to feel sorry for me and then I can have sex and supply whenever I want. WOW aren't I they clever one. I will make them both think they are going nuts so that cater to ME whenever I want it. I was the Girlfriend he lived with me and came home to me every night. I thought I was the only one, LOL!!! HA HA HA!!! Come to find out he was telling his Boss, Coworker, family, and friends that I was Bipolar, Crazy, Controllling, A drug addictt, and cheating on HIM. I am not Bipolar, Crazy, Controlling. I don't do drugs and have never cheated on anyone. Now see how much they can change the truth. I bet he had ALL these people feeling sorry for him, so when he cheated on me they ALL thought I had it coming to me because I was such a horrible person. ALL LIES. SEE how the game is played??? I bet you will not easily forget this game. As difficult as it is to wrap our brains around and heal from all of this. Once we do. WE will NEVER EVER EVER fall for this nonsense again. You will get there. Sounds like you are willing to do the work. You would be perfect for our new group sessions and you also get a one on one with me and the book. I believe we have a few openings left. God bless, Goldie
alicepaul's picture

Married Ns have to give you the hard sell about their miserable marriage to their awful, cheating, angry, sexless wife! Especially the married Ns who are well known in their circle and even admired as a so-called family man. How else can he/she get a person to forego their morals and boundaries and enter into an affair with them? That's what happened with me and the N/P. I've been reading over the FB IMs when N/P and I were first discussing getting together. He told me he had a "pass," that it had been discussed with him and his wife that he had the o.k. to seek his own fulfullment since supposedly she had cheated on him. I even asked him several times if he was sure she would be o.k. with it. He profusely reassured me, saying she owed it to him, that he sacrificed 10 sexless years in their marriage, blah blah blah. Either he was lying then or he was lying at the end after I confronted him about the HSV2. He and his wife supposedly got tested after I told him I had it (I know he gave it to me), and he says to me "Oh, by the way, I had to tell her about us." And he said she threw a fit and kept saying "why, why?" I was like WTF? I thought she knew from the beginning (our agreement was that he wouldn't tell her my name), that she gave him a pass? The bullshit was piling up quickly. Then it occurred to me that he was trying to triangulate us, when this whole time he kept saying he would never lie to either of us. Bullsh*t! He is one twisted person, that's why I think he's more of a P. The whole thing was one big mindf*ck for me--all of his so-called promises, assurances, and confidences evaporated for me during our final talk. I never wanted to hurt his family or his marriage--he can do that without my help.
TNR1's picture

Scary isn't it...how they are all the same. Mr. N told me his gf at the time refused to have sex with him...in fact, he used to tell me all the time how he and I had sex more often then they did. He also told me that she had cheated on him first (total justification of what he was doing), that she was controlling (oh, that was total projection) and that she did not understand him (like anyone could understand his Narc ways). I truly think that if I were to sit down with his ex girlfriends and other OW...I bet our stories would sound eerily similar. He conveniently would put down the ones he thought he could get away with revealing to the girl of the moment. So glad I'm off the carousel.
TNR1's picture

:)