punishing and resenting you for frustrations with old supply and loss of control

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#1 Oct 31 - 4AM

indenial

punishing and resenting you for frustrations with old supply and loss of control

I know this sounds like I'm a horrible person
But in the midst of moments of despair the only thing that keeps me going is that I know how miserable he is going to make either ns or os if that's where he's gone back to !

When I start to feel those sad feelings about all the good times and the hope I felt and the thought that now he's going to be doing and saying all those things to someoene else I just stop myself and think but eventually and probably sooner rather than later if its his ex because she is very old supply, he is going to give them that gut wrenching confused feeling that I lived with for so long.

His ex must have had it before so why after more than 2 years out shed want to go back to that I ddont know. I wouldn't now and its only been 3 weeks out ! But I know that if he's persistent enough there is a chance she could fall back under his spell.

With me what I've come to realise is that he was tooing and froing between me and the ex and at tims his rage and anger towards me was nothing to do with me I think it was because he was losing control of us both or getting frustrated with having to keep up the pretence to us both and I think what I could see was resentment that he couldn't hide for long.

Now I think that the next supply, whether that be his ex or new will have to pay for my "sins" and he will soon turn his anger and resentment towards them. I understand that about him now. So though I wouldn't wish the pain and misery he inflicts on my worst enemy (actually my worst enemy is him so I would ! Lol ) I can't help but feel I can sit back and say well that's all the validation I need and sorry my love but you got the booby prize.

I'm not bitter and I'm not a hateful person but its just what I know and how I feel and I'm sorry but it just helps me through this to know that he is going to go on to do this to someone else while I know I will never treat a person like that or have anyone treat me like that again.

Does anyone else feel that ns pays for the "sins" of old supply ? Like they take out the frustrations that they felt by not being able to control the old supply out on the new ? There were definately times when he raged at me and I got the silent treatment when I can now see it was a link to what was going on with his ex like she was trying to have minimal contact with him and wouldn't let him round the house and was not taking any of his shit and calling the shots so then out of the blue I'd get a D&D and then hed start throwing in my face that he didn't see his kids or he couldn't go to his house where his kids were and it was all because of me. Well it wasn't ! Whatever went on there
was between them and it was his doing. He was a useless father. Never had no time for them even when they were together !
I also see in hindsight now that he resented his loss of control over her life and when she started to go out and he couldn't stop her after years of never letting her out when they were together he resented me because he was caught between still wanting to control me and knowing that he couldn't fully control her anymore because then I might have fond out his game.

I think I took a lot of D&D's and abuse and silent treatment because of past built up resentment over her. He hated that he gave up the total control of that supply for new supply (me) and then he couldn't control me either so trying to control us both sent him over the edge. It is all getting so much clearer. Anyone one else notice this ?
To add. Even though he's gone off the radar and appears to have accepted that he couldn't control me I know that it won't be long before that resentment surfaces. I know him well now. He won't get over not " winning" and beating me down so it will just add to all his other bitterness, anger and resentment and that mask will not stay on for long and the next victim will get it worse. And as horrible as that may make me. I take some comfort in it.

#2 Oct 31 - 6PM

empath

we are all the OW, we are all just supply to the N

Your feelings are just feelings, not "horrible"...don't be critical of yourself for feeling the way you do, don't judge. Know that the OW/NS is just another target being used. It is sad that we beat ourselves up thinking that the N is somehow different or better with them, or that the OW/NS is somehow different or better than us. Ns don't change and supply is simply supply...interchangeable, meaningless and replaceable. We gethung up on believing in our own uniqueness and we transfer or project that uniqueness onto the OW/NS. Realize that the N doesn't think that much about it....supply is supply is supply....when he's taken all he can from her, he will move onto to someone else. Be grateful that you had enough sense to remove yourself from the supply chain and don't look back.

#3 Oct 31 - 5AM

uk lady

Hi Indenial

Yes, all of what you decribed above is exactly where most people on this forum have been, including myself. Lots of little comments spring to my mind about their ex's and current (then) of NS during our relationship. Like - XX would be surprised to see that I am able to relax with you Dee as that's way she always wanted me to do, XX is an old school friend, she just contacted me out of the blue but, I'm not attracted to her because she is too big, XX always used to shop in XX, XX in the office wears Hobbs (label) clothes all the time, XX told me about her husband and their problems, XX is just a platonic friend, I didn't tell you I met up with the boys Xmas Eve because I knew you would question me, etc, etc, etc. All red flags and all lies. I should have worn a beacon on my head with a flashing light to signify a red flag. He always had a ready answer for anything he was called out on. God, how exhausting that must be. No wonder he always had migraines. Unexplained absences and sometimes even said, "I told you about that", when in fact it must have been the NS. He came back to me after 5 years of semi being apart - I never even knew that he had been living with someone else during that time. He had been diagnosed with cancer and wanted/needed my friendship (read supply). I knew nothing whatsoever about N then - pity. I even spoke with his ex and learnt all kinds of stuff that he had lied about. She was a carbon copy of me and had had the same problems with his mother as I had. Strange that - LOL. She and I got on really well and would have been friends in normal circumstances. When I confronted him he said, "just so you two can compare how horrible I have been". Actually, yes, buddy. But, I needed to know the facts and never trusted another thing he ever said to me after that. So, really you just don't know what lies he is spewing to get his ex onside again. Could be the good old "friendship" speil whilst sourcing NS. Who knows, and more importantly, who really cares. All they know is lies, cheating and hoodwinking to get what they want. You have to pity them really because we will eventually move onto healthier relationships with our newfound knowledge, they will be forever in the pits of hell. I don't exactly feel that the NS pays for our sins. I feel that the ex-P has learnt newer tricks (usually from us) for the honeymoon period with the NS. BUT so know it won't last and as I am done with him, again, who cares. She will find out the hard way. Dee x

#4 Oct 31 - 7AM (Reply to #2)

indenial

hi dee

My ex n never directly triangulated me in that way with any other woman. He was the exact opposite because he was so insecure himself he wanted to lead by example so he did it covertly and that's why I think it came out in his rages and I was being punished for it. He rarely spoke about his ex good or bad which I thought was odd but he wanted to give the impression that she was completely out of his life because that's what he wanted to do with my ex. Completely gte rid of him. I can see if was all a big cover up now and that in trying to maintain that cover up while trying to maintain control of both me and her he caused himself nothing but stress. I don't think all n's are as clever as they think once you step back from it and you see how their web of lies unravel. It sickens me to think at times I took all that abuse because his other supply was letting him down and neither of us were stroking his ego. He was very covert in the things he did but I did pick up very early on that it was her fault that he didn't love her anymore even though her only crime was becoming the stepford wife he expected her to be and then becoming boring to him. Either way I'd have been devalued and discarded. If I'd carried on fighting and being independent I'd have been discarded for that reason and if I'd become the subservient replacement of her I'd have been boring and discarded for that reason. But never unless he had alternative supply. I can see that now too. Yes I think they learn new tricks from the honeymoon period with us too. That's a regret because even if he's pretending I think the things I taught him and that he mirrored in me will definitely be a winning trick with new supply :(

#5 Nov 1 - 7PM (Reply to #3)

blueworld

never a moment

there was never a moment in the three years i was with him that he didnt have some new girls number in his phone and a excuse of who she was and justifying it yet i couldnt talk to my guy freinds without him accusing me of cheating or raging and i mean he lied to my face about it "trust me" "you dont trust me" "it makes me upset you dont trust me im not talking to anyone anymore" then i would find half conversations, deleted inbox or out box or both and when confronted as to why "you are making me upset that you dont trust me" "i deleted the conversations because i was embarressed i thought they were going to be cool...his voice would trail off looked me in the eyes "baby i am not talking to anyone else anymore" this happened my entire relationship it was exhausting keeping up with who he was talking to and why and dealing with him freaking out if i was on my own phone

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