That sounds pretty dramatic, but I am really struggling to cope with challenges. When I was closer to the d&d, I had issues leaving the house, not eating, not sleeping, was super jumpy. Most of that has gone away now that I am six months out.
What is lingering is total lack of confidence in myself. I have a new job and to keep it, have to pass a excruciatingly hard exam (it's along the lines of the bar for lawyers or the CPA exam for accountants). I did not go to school for the material, so I have to learn it all on my own by jan 15.
Normally this wouldn't be an issue for me at all. I have a masters degree and have always been so studious. I always loved academic challenges. I taught at a big ten university. I'm very type A and never accepted less than 100%s from myself. But every single day I freak out about this. I don't think I can handle it. I have seriously contemplated quitting this very prestigious job so I don't have to take it.
Wtf? Since when is this me?
If this is a side effect from the relationshit with a N, then it sucks even more than I thought before. I try to do affirmations like "I will not let him define me" and "I will not let this defeat me" but I just don't know. I have had a number of anxiety attacks since starting this job in the last month where I literally feel like I am dying. My psych prescribed anti anxiety meds but they put me to sleep or numb me so much I don't get any studying done.
One of the last things he told me was that I was too smart and I only used it to make him feel dumb. That I would ask him things just because I knew he wouldn't know the answer. I never did that. He had always said how much he admired and loved the things I knew about (we aren't talking rocket science here, just liberal arts that have good cocktail party talking points) but that totally changed by the end. He hated it. I got to a place where for his sake I said over and over I wasn't smart, I had just read a lot. I think I said it so many times that I believe it, making me think I can't pass this test. I feel hopeless.