Pseudo-Intimacy. The Biggest Red Flag?

But I will now... I just hope if anyone else comes along, I won't feel bored. I think the EXN was my soulmate on the 2nd date.... Everything SINGLE thing about us was fast forward times 10

Hmmmm.I don't know how I feel about this...I don't attribute "love at first sight" with an N or intimicay in the beggining of relationships....Maybe what I do attribute to an N is the taking taking taking that slowly comes through in the relationship.... I surely didn't have love at first sight with my N..We were friends and turned it into a relationship....I did have love at first sight with a wonderful man before him that changed my life and views of men and I will hold them all to his standard in the future..The kindness,manners,etc..Maybe my love at first sight was seeing him for who he truly was..and that was a good man..I'm feeling the opposite of this post..But that's ok....agree to disagree...

"Real life, real relationships, coping and adapting and learning to live with and truly love another human being, has NOTHING to do with love at first sight." I have looked at it frequently the last few days and smile. It is so true and such a brief, but potent, reminder of many things 1) That's it is not us, it is them 2) That I am okay, and if I am more careful and patient, I am less lucky to fall into the same 'trap'. 3) That, I am only grieving a brief moment in life, an illusion. But I have the rest of my life to embrace and cherish something REAL. I still live with my N ad we both certainly live separate lives. He has found his new 'The One' oh, about a month ago..(what happened to the LAST 'The One' he met last year? Oh, right...she got repalced by the new 'The One'). I watch their blossoming realtionship unfold in an enchanted magical beginning. They are beautiful together and so 'in love' right now. But that's the important thing 'Right Now'. It hurts to see this first hand but I keep my happy face on and do lots of things to keep my own 'real life' moving forward. They live in different cities about two hours apart but see each other every weekend. But then again, it isn't REAL in a long term, healthy sense, either. So in matter of weeks or months or years...however long it will take with this one. I know his mask will eventually start slipping and her magical man will become more of a mythical monster. I used to be jealous and what result IMMEDIATELY. I wanted him to start hitting bumps in the road so I can see the decline of each of his realtionships. Now, I don't concentrate on that too much anymore. Because I know it will happen regardless of how long it takes. And now I remind myself" "Real life, real relationships, coping and adapting and learning to live with and truly love another human being, has NOTHING to do with love at first sight." :)

Real men don't "charm" us ..they try to learn who we are, as we learn about them--& see if there's a fit. If not, both parties come to a mutual departure without degrading the other. That's how it works. But we haven't been with normal humans. We need to rediscover ourselves so we can be whole to meet the right man. "THe Spiritual Rules of Engagement" was an awesome book I read. The best "rule"? "a woman does not need a man to complete her". Why? Because Spiritually, we can do it within us.

I noticed my EXn and i were very comfortable with each other quickly but i never attributed to anything other than a common chemistry, he reminded me of my father, who died when i was 14 years old, something was very comfortable being in his presence and he seemed self assured,easygoing, little did I know, like Mariline said in a post a while ago, he was in inner turmoil and outer calmness, all masked very cleverly i realize in hindsight....

it must be one of the most deadly of them all :( There really IS "love at first sight", obviously. Sometimes there is an overwhelming chemistry between people. It is built into the system. Life and the universe (or God) wants us to multiply like bunnies, and these overwhelming cases of instant desire makes babies as well as the mature, steady love of a good marriage. This is a red flag a lot of us share with Narcs. In that we are like the perfectly shaped puzzle piece that fits with them. Real life, real relationships, coping and adapting and learning to live with and truly love another human being, has NOTHING to do with love at first sight. I have come to realize, for myself, when I feel that instant attraction to someone, that "someone" is probably a predator. I was conditioned from birth by a Narc father and victim mother. I probably can't help it. But I still have every vital capacity for mature love, the real thing. That is not impaired whatsoever :) I can give up this "fairy tale", quite easily lol. I'm done reproducing, hell I have a grandchild. I have my life the way I like it. I'm not sure where I'd fit in a new love, but I'm sure I could manage it :D . For our own good, us ladies here, survivors of Narc relationships, I would give this as an absolute. Love at first sight is probably NOT good news, in spite of how it feels. If it leads you to quick pseudo-intimacy, and your whole world starts revolving around this person in just a couple of weeks . . . you are in hot water, and it's getting hotter. We survivors of Narcs can't afford for it to happen again.

they tell every women who will listen ..they will tell the life story to a complete stranger....my narc told a shop assistant one day....how he was going to court and expected to go to prison....he was only buying pasta....the amount of conversation he got out stunned me....this helps them sort out the wheat from the chaff.....who will buy it and who will not....

Yes loveofmylife ... my narc tryed to in the d&d tell me it was me that came on to him and theat he was an unwilling party lol ... i believed that for a while but really i knew it was bollocks because i was doing the "rules" at the time and thats why i know he came onto me but thats gaslighting for you . I remember before we got together at a confrence we had left the meeting early and went to the bar and he started to give me the sob story of being a chile of a single mother who was only 17 when she had him and how he was brough up by his grandad and his lobotmised grandmother but then he died when my narc was 14 and his mother had a string of viloent relationships .. blah blah blah ." and i rememebr thinking at the time "oh thats nice he feels comfortable to open up .. im in there 2 and then he said "i dont know why im telling YOU all this " ... well i know now he was a raving narc and the more i think about it now i have come back to the real world the more he ticks ever trate in the book .. x

loml, throughout my pattern of N's going back to high school, it always started with this "instant attraction" the stare, the wink, the smile, they know how to come on right over your boundries and act like they belong there...but lately, I say, "don't do that!" and if they can't respect that...well, forget about it...no more feeling rude or badly for impolite behavior on my part..they on the other hand, don't even consider what they are doing is wrong on many levels..it's disordered!!! one time i went to dinner with the XN, when the cute waitress came up he said "oh here is one of my good friends" she actually said ,"Who, ME?" lol...I had to lookaway and grin...yet I still was hot for him..but now all I feel is relief that I'm away from the madness and deception :)

I will never fall for that line again. I will RUN! He knew my H at the time wasn't my soulmate and I think he used that info against me. I think they all fall hard and fast for the flavor of the month. Seriously. Ns love being in love. And then reality hits them..not hard enough..and they show their true self. I had never felt the way I did with anyone else but him. Very quickly I lost control. That should've been MY first red flag. I'm not one to give myself so totally and freely so early on. Not sure how fast he got intimate with all the other women. I know he's a charmer tho. Puke!