Problems with the word NO in real life?

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#1 Jul 7 - 12PM
TraumaMamma
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Problems with the word NO in real life?

I'll admit..I am a giver. I will sacrifice my own schedule to help others, family and friends.

I often get mad at myself later on for running myself ragged at everyone elses expense. Everyone else can say no.

And this time around, I am just plain tired. N put me in a tailspin and I have NO WISH for any kind of male company of which I EVEN REMOTELY SUSPECT is going to elude to something more.

Believe me, people are trying.

Got a msg on facebook thru my Emergency Mgmt directors friends list.

He messaged me that he found my "twin" on Match..I thought I hid my profile, I did not, apparently...It is from 10 yrs ago!

Me: I just broke up with someone a few wks ago....dating detox right now. I thought I hide my profile. BossMare is me. 7664 is my birthday...My kids went to school in Wellington and I divorced a cop from there. Long story there. Found out about his affair via the morning journal. Not a good way to wake up!..

Him: I'm not sure what to say to that ... I'm sorry, and you're not the first to be in that situation, although I was spared reading about it in the newspaper, she was just careless. You were in my (Match) "favorites"- you probably already know that - I was trying to work up a way to approach you. In a roundabout way I'm asking you out? How's that for smooth?..

Me:I need to heal myself before I can even consider trying again. I divorced in March of this year after a year separation and actually my ex is my best friend, still. We just grew apart. But this year has taken the wind out of my sails as far as dating goes. This last guy really, really took a toll on me. Why are your working up courage?

Him: I'm not looking to break any hearts - not capable of that anyway ... I find you very attractive, and would enjoy the pleasure of your company over - wings and beer? Bagels and coffee? I'm harmless, and we don't have to start "dating". Paramedic, I'm a healer

Now, this pisses me off, actually. I told him I was fresh out of hell, not in a good place, not looking for any kind of company and he is still getting pushy.

Yes, I am a paramedic too. I am healer as well. But you already proclaimed your atraction to me, your wanting to ask me out, wanting to spend time WITH me.

What about respecting what I WANT!?!??! I told you what I needed. You messaged me. I told you flat out what I wanted, what I got out of and what I needed.

OMFG I am so pissed right now just reading this. Am I off the mark here that this guy just totally ignored everything I just said!?!??!

Jul 12 - 4AM
Puzzle
Puzzle's picture

Good on you!!! Now there is a

Good on you!!! Now there is a glimpse of the women I'm sure you are now becoming again. Strong, ballsy, and able to express how you feel. You told him, he didn't listen...he deserved uber bitch. Guys need to know they can not walk all over us, you will always be two steps ahead of anyone you decide or don't decide to date now. We all know the song, we can pick the warning signs....we've practically each written a book about Narcs on here. As for being ready, there is no way....I think it is too soon. Time to get real with ourselves and sort out why we attracted these idiots...so much work to do that can be swept under the carpet again when a new distraction appears.
Jul 8 - 8AM
StudentOfLife
StudentOfLife's picture

BIG red flags when i read the

BIG red flags when i read the dialog between you two... because you started off by telling him your wishes and where you are at... and STILL he didn't take NO for an answer. BIG BIG BIG red flag!
Jul 12 - 12AM (Reply to #12)
TraumaMamma
TraumaMamma's picture

He tried again!

Today, in my email. I ended up deleting the crap and blocking his stupid ass!! ARRRGH!! He was never my facebook friend. A message. Hope you had a nice weekend..perfect for "healing".. (as if a weekend was going to heal me) Me: I worked. Him: Well, here is my number (Idon-listn2U), I am out and about my Droid took a crap. "I worked 8 hrs on Saturday and 12 on Sunday and just got home. (graveyard) " Me: A weekend is not going to heal me. You haven't listened to anything I have said, nor did I ask for your phone number. I was not looking for new friends. You actually are reminding very much of the last guy I am trying to recover from. I won't be calling. And I did not give him a chance to reply, I blocked him after my last one. I tried to be nice. I'm sure he thinks I am an UBER bitch now.

Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow.' --Mary Anne Radmache

Jul 7 - 3PM
girlsinger
girlsinger's picture

Hey TMamma

Hi thereTM respectfully, I must disagree he will not think you are a bitch, not at all he will know that you are a woman that cherishes herself her "feelings" before any man that is true "feminine" power you see, we are all "male" at work..(yang) energy yang is "competitive, controls, and takes the lead,etc but in our realtionships we wise to be in our (ying) Ying energy is patient, available, in touch with her feelings and RESPONDS to male (yang) energy he will get the message that this is a lady that is in her "feminine" and I must treat her as such May I share what I learned from my teacher Dr Pat Allen.. Men want to be "respected" for his 'ideas" first women need to be "cherished" for her "feelings" first (remember we are all "male at work") when a man feels respected he will automatically feel cherished when a woman is cherished for her feelings first she will automatically feel respected men need to DO good to feel good women need to FEEL good to do good A Narcissist wants to be cherished for his feelings AND respected for his ideas he will NRVER give you anything, he cannot, no respect no cherishing A narcissist wants you to bow at his altar A natcissist see's everyone as "disposable" a "function" Once that is accomplished you are discarded until, perhaps you have something he may need always ending though in your demise and each time we go back..the punishment escaltes you are precious Tramamamma be blessed K
Jul 7 - 2PM
TraumaMamma
TraumaMamma's picture

My last reply

Sorry, but I am going to have to defer at this time. I'm not ready (as I have stated above) for any kind of company especially when there is a known attraction on the part of the other party. It may just be platonic for you, but you have made your declarations known. I need to heal myself. No nicey-nice thanks for your thoughts, or come again later, like I used to do....or I will be in touch. He probably thinks I am bitch. Ah well.

Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow.' --Mary Anne Radmache

Jul 7 - 2PM (Reply to #9)
Lobo555
Lobo555's picture

Oh Well. . .

You need to do what's best for you. At least you didn't totally blow him off. I think that was a nice reply -- to the point and with no b.s. If he can't take it, well, too bad. You did the right thing.
Jul 7 - 1PM
girlsinger
girlsinger's picture

TraumaMamma

Hi There uggg he lost me at "I was trying to work up a way to approach you" (exhausting) "in a roundabout way Im asking you out?" (what's up with the question mark) (and why is it roundabout?) and here's the kicker "how's that for smooth" how old is he 6? "wings and beer" Oh TM hurry hurry imagine wings and beer...ahhhh simply charming NOT this cat paid NO attention to a word you said how you felt its astounding... so robotic grrrr you are precious be blessed K
Jul 7 - 8PM (Reply to #7)
TraumaMamma
TraumaMamma's picture

His last reply to my bitch mail

Was a standing open invite to dinner and to tell me I was pretty. I didn't reply back. I just feel I am feeding the beast at this time. We went from "wings and beer" to "bagels and coffee" and now a standing invite to dinner and another compliment. Bah.

Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow.' --Mary Anne Radmache

Jul 7 - 1PM (Reply to #6)
Lobo555
Lobo555's picture

girlsinger

You summed it up so perfectly! Especially the wings-and-beer part. Be still ALL our hearts reading THAT invite! :):):)
Jul 7 - 1PM
dazed
dazed's picture

Just detach. Trust your

Just detach. Trust your instincts. Be polite and firm. He is not listening. He is telling you who he is. You have listened. Let him go. He is not worth the anger.
Jul 7 - 12PM
Lobo555
Lobo555's picture

Ugh!

Pushy bastid. Wow is he ever what you don't want and don't need! I agree -- he was not listening to a word. He's like a puppy trying to hump your leg -- time to hit him on the nose with a newspaper. And THAT is why I am also on a dating furlough. Can't deal with the pushiness or the bullshite. >.
Jul 7 - 12PM (Reply to #3)
TraumaMamma
TraumaMamma's picture

Well..

I wasn't even looking. He contacted me thru FB. I told him a few times. Even a medic I golfed with wanted to take me out for my Birthday yesterday. I work nites. I had to work yesterday. I haven't been sleeping well on this shift and am going back to 2nd shift. He wanted to golf again, do lunch, whatever. The last time we did it a few wks ago, I didn't get to lay down before work and I was draggin ass..and he wants more too. I told him NO. I got a text yesterday that he "wishes he coulda done something for my b-day yesterday" Geez...leave me alone...I told ya I wasn't celebrating... With men anyways. I did with my parents. Wtf!!!

Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow.' --Mary Anne Radmache

Jul 7 - 12PM
reallyconfused
reallyconfused's picture

I know exactly how you feel

I know exactly how you feel and what you mean. I don't think you're wrong for feeling the way you do. You told him straight up what it was and he doesn't seem to get that you aren't ready to date. Maybe he's trying to show you that he is a "good guy who can heal you." Well I think we all know that the only healing we can get is from ourselves. I'm still trying to heal, more bad days than good I'm afraid to say. I also got many messages from someone telling me I'm being mean by not sharing what happened with me and the guy I dealt with. I told him that I'm not ready or looking for anything and yet this guy says "You owe it to me to tell me what's going on. Remember when I cheered you up? I'm that guy...now tell me. I just want to get to know you better and hang out." I told him several times I'm not ready and that it's not about him also he has no entitlement over what I share with him. I barely know him! He thinks I'm being cold and mean, but I'm just trying to heal and protect myself. It isn't fair to us to give up how we feel if we aren't ready to do anything we don't want to do. I also have a hard time saying no, but right now I need to reintroduce it into my vocabulary. So I don't think you're off the mark here.