Probably the most valuable personal tool I had when dealing with the NARC.

15 years ago I got deeply involved in politics. As a mother of a disabled child I went to war against the government on some policies and funding. Along the way I teamed with some extremely powerful female politicians. I learned SO MUCH from them but THE most valuable tool they gave me, believe it or not was to deliberately develop a "poker face" To practice a face and posture that can NOT be read even by those who know you best.
One these women is now the Premier of my Province. The another was the Minister of finance in Ontario before moving to British Columbia. These women have made their way in a man's world and are the best of their breed. It was quite an education to watch them work!!

I sat through HOURS of meetings and negotiations with these women. They both have a highly developed unreadable "game face" that that is unchangeable except for a slight pleasant smile. Even their eyes don't betray them, the eye brows don't move and it's not botox. They have deliberately eliminated nervous gestures (all gestures really) and adopted a very confident, neutral posture.

To learn my own "zen face" I chose an inanimate object that I have absolutely no response to...the fridge. And I practiced looking at and FEELING no response at all. I committed that neutral feeling to memory and with that put on my "refrigerator zen face"

When I started seeing the NARC/pimp he would attempt to drag my into highly dramatic scenarios to satisfy his addiction emotional chaos. My practiced "zen response" with my poker face sent him reeling...he would become obviously confused. I would refuse to "play" yet remain very calm detached and most importantly UNREADABLE. I would even see him SCANNING me for response...any response so he could figure out which direction to take the intensity. Now when I see him at church. I am able to remain unresponsive...unreadable...untriggerable. Sometimes I honestly repeat the word,"refridgerator" over and over in my mind. It's become a word that trips non response in me.

Having had this tool under my belt has been unbelievably indispensable. Years ago an X came to the gym with his new woman. SHE climbed the walls, became highly animated and shrill...she reacted ridiculously to my presence. It was shocking to watch her make such an ass out of herself and him. I was able to remain COMPLETELY zen on the stair master, repeating "refrigerator" over and over in my mind. One muscle head who I don't know personally, told people he watched the whole thing. He said, "It was the classiest thing I've ever seen" But it wasn't...it was an ability to utilize this tool given to me by some real seasoned pros.

I hope that some of you who are facing X's in court, at reunions, at church will develop and hone your own serene poker face...it will come handy in unexpected ways over the rest of your life.

It takes practice. But it's often the perfect and only possible (non)response to unavoidable or unexpected contact with the NARC.