I was really just kidding about Obama being a narcissist. I just thought it was amusing, since my N thinks they are alike...and he may have just been fantasizing about the adoration, lol.
I am not beating myself up about the exchange. It was brief and no harm, no foul really. I will try not to do it again. I am actually doing amazingly well compared to the past, I think cutting off any access to mutual friends really helps. He told me what he had going on trying to get ready to leave the country again...and of course, didn't ask about me. I didn't offer anything. I cannot even see him the same way at all now after reading this board. Some of his "quirks" now have some meaning and the meaning is...just gross.
There is a funny episode of Seinfeld when Elaine keeps going back to David Puddy a few times after they break up, and Jerry says it's like tipping over a Coke machine. You have to rock it a few times before it goes over. Considering I had a full-fledged addiction to him before, I am actually kind of proud of myself.
Maybe...it's making it easier, in the long run. I no longer feel like I have "missed out" on my soulmate..on what could have been..on the fabulous future I got cheated out of. Now I feel like I got saved from a terrible fate. I am truly frightened now, of what kind of person he must be. After everything I've endured with my husband, I think it would have broken me beyond repair to have my N turn cruel toward me. As it is, he turned indifferent, and that felt cruel enough. I have a friend that thinks he mistreated me more than perhaps I am even accepting atm.
I think he told me some true things about his wife...but I also wonder what he's put her through. He always claimed she was wildly insecure...but um...how much did HE have to do with that?
Better Off- Yeah, isn't it amazing how once you see them for who they really are, you can never look at them the same way? Once you understand their behavior and why they do what they do, it's just gross. So gross.
I am just amazed now looking back at all the little red flags, and really "getting" them...and they *were* little in comparison with all the wonderful stuff going on. Mostly they were odd comments, you know? That I now understand are totally typical comments for someone like them.
And some of them I KNEW to be indicators of trouble...when we started out we talked a couple hours on the phone every afternoon, and then 4 or 5 hours a night on IM...and he was in a different time zone (plus he tends to stay up all night A LOT, which is kind of weird...maybe he really is a vampire), so I would go to bed first...and before he went to sleep he would send me a good morning email for when I got up again. Oh, I LOVED that. "Good morning beautiful, make sure you let your light shine today! I love you." Puking now. Anyway...we had backed off each other for some reason I can't remember. So anyway, we were "making up" and he was all wonderful and wanted to make me happy, and I said I really missed my morning emails..and I even SAID I didn't expect it every single day or anything..but it really gave me a great start to my day.
Sooo...he does it kind of for a bit, and then quits again. And started being aloof, and I got pissed, and we argued..and he said, well it was getting *boring* and he had to come up with something to say all the time...and I'm like it's a fucking "Good Morning" email. Wow, what a strain. And I thought then that he didn't want to do it after I ASKED him to do it. Now I realize that in addition...it was about "coming up with" something to say. Because that's all he does...is come up with stuff. It's made up. It's not how he FEELS. No wonder he withdrew from me, he ran out of material. Idiot.
Another point...once we had an indepth convo about his wife...Apparently they had been fighting about how she dressed "provocatively" (read: like a slut)..and that even the kids were embarrassed that she wore things like her thong underwear showing out of her lowrise jeans (she's 49). So, I'm like..what? This just doesn't fit the whole image I have..and he tells me she always dressed that way and would be the girl whose skirt was so short and hiked up you could see her underwear when she was sitting on bleachers or whatever (he's an athlete). And I'm like...this is what you were attracted to? Because I am NOTHING like that. And he says...well...he just thought all the other guys would be jealous of him. (I'm thinkin hardly...they were probably sleeping with her too) But I found that creepy..of course he said he was young and naive and blah blah and he's not like that now. But I think he "picked" me because he thought I was "popular" at our forum. So he only liked me because he thought the other guys liked me. I don't think he "likes" anyone. My friend and I have even experimented with him (;P) and she'll say something critical about a person he's scrounged up on facebook and then he'll drop that person. Like, OMG...anybody associated with him has to add "value" to *his* package. I am really beginning to understand that EVERYONE is just an object to him.
Another thing I thought of...(I'm just trying to process all this so I can move on)
He comes across as really funny. In fact, when he's loose he IS really funny. Most of our time spent on the telephone was us really laughing. I'm still just so lost about how that was just...nothing to him. But anyway. On the net he tries to be Mr Funny...and sometimes he tries too hard, so it's not that funny. And we were talking about that, about how sometimes you feel like you need to be funny for people to like you (which can be a normal kind of insecurity I thought)...but anyway, something prompted me to say...well, do you laugh at your own jokes? (Because when I think something is funny...I can't WAIT to share it)...and he was like...No. And I couldn't quite get my mind around that. He seriously is trying to say funny things not because they are funny or enjoyable to HIM, but just to garner attention and get people to THINK he's funny..and of course TELL him he's funny. That is just...bizarre. Plus "funny" usually makes people think "good natured." Ha.
Better Off, Wow, those are some telling things he did, but you're so right that all the wonderful things he did in the beginning distracted you from seeing the weird stuff. You hit on such a good point. Narcissists know how to sweep us off our feet and we get so caught up in it that the glimpses of odd behavior we see barely phase us.
Of course, he said he got tired of e-mailing you good morning. I think "bored" was the word he used, right? Classic. Instead of simply wanting to e-mail you in the morning because he was thinking about you and wanted to make you smile, it was more about how witty he could be or how he could impress you. It was all about him looking good. When he ran out of things to say to impress you, he got bored.
I explained to my ex once that I enjoyed doing things for others simply because it made me feel good to see the people I care about happy. His response, "People just do things for others to make themselves look good." Narissists cannot possibly comprehend the idea of doing something for someone without getting something in return. They are unable to feel.
My ex N did what seemed to be the sweetest gesture a guy can do when you've had a fight...he sent a dozen long-stem red rosses to my work with a card that said "I'm sorry". I was so touched that he'd do that (no one ever has before) and everyone in the office thought it was the most "romantic" thing ever.
Fast forward a few months and he's riffling through a junk drawer in my house and stumbles upon the "i'm sorry" card. He grabs it and says to me "you kept this?" I said, yes, that it had meant a lot to me that he sent those flowers and the card. His very cold reply was "I had to." In other words, it was straight from his manipulative playbook to keep me around, not his heart.
The cards went straight into the garbage.
Exactly, even when they do things that seem to be caring, it is only because they think they "have to" - not because they "want to" or it comes from their heart. I'm glad you threw the cards away. Good riddance to him and his phony ploys to keep you!
My STBX was a master at the romantic "gesture". Flowers, lavish jewelry gifts, sweet cards.
They all meant so much to me. When we separated I retrieved the bag where I had kept all the cards and threw them on the floor, saying "What did all of this mean?" He had no response, of course. 6 months prior he bought me an "upgraded" wedding ring worth $10,000 dollars to present at Xmas with my family. I was so encouraged, thought that it meant he was "back into" the marriage. As I look back it was simply an attempt to get adulation from all the family there to "witness" his "generosity". Yeah. Since then he has asked for 1/2 the value of all jewelry gifts he gave me over 21 years, including my original wedding and engagement ring. Class act. So sincere.
Sorry, going on too much about my own experience, but hey, the info helps, right?
As we look back we begin to see things in a different light and I hope this helps us all. CM
Oh yeah, forgot to add that last time I entered our house (a very rare event since he's changed locks, of course), I found a receipt for THREE DOZEN ROSES sent to his newest g/f.
Ah....one dozen certainly wouldn't be enough, would it??? No.....the N needs to make a REAL statement about how special he really is...... CM
Cassiemay - your ex is too insecure to send just one dozen roses to his new ex. Instead, he has to send three dozen because he knows he's a phony and a fraud and has to make up for his deficiencies somehow. He probably has a big or fancy car, doesn't he?
Lisa,
You are absolutely Right! He has to have EVERYTHING be the BEST. and most expensive, of course..... Because he is a physician he has been able to manage that most of the time. It is so ridiculous. He would even buy not one, but two or three of the same things because he loved them so much! And of course would tell everyone what his latest and greatest purchase had been. If a friend bought a new tv he would have to get one that was "better" or newer or whatever. He pays ridiculous amounts of money for the latest upgrades, while if he just waited a bit prices would come WAY down.
I am relatively frugal and always enjoy a "good deal".I still wear clothes I've had for 10 years (though occasionally do get something a bit more stylish.....) Over time I just completely gave up on confronting him or challenging him on his shopaholism because it would only lead to arguments and anger. And of course, HE was making the money so who was I to intimate that perhaps there was something Wrong with this lifestyle?
Point is evident: they need to boost their sense of entitlement and status so that they perceive themselves as better than anyone else. Hey! Who's got the bigger dick???
I was really just kidding
When you see them for who they are
red flags
another one
Narcissists do not understand the joy of giving
This thread reminds me...
Their actions are so fake and contrived
false emotions/gestures
P.S.
Narcissists overcompensate with fancy gifts
gifts etc.
gifts, etc.
test