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Possession, Control, Dominance and Attention

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#1 Apr 14 - 7AM
momoya
momoya's picture

Possession, Control, Dominance and Attention

Ok lets discuss something that I find to be my own double standard. I have to admit that there was a possessive quality at the start of the relationship that I liked. I liked the idea of being his. Of course, not in the sick & twisted way he imagined it to work. But I did like feeling I belonged to someone. Not like property of course, but does anyone else understand this?

In some of my prior relationships I felt drawn to dominant men. Not aggressive types but men that could speak up, had a back bone, men that were REAL men. There was a possessive quality present that I really liked.

Do you find that there is a double standard ? the attention is so hot & fast, the feelings so intense, god they just have to have us. And we finally give into it and it feels so nice for while.

It's all wrapped up in attention first, then they become more possessive and then seek ways to control us more readily (puppet on strings) which eventually if it goes on long enough leads to total dominance in our lives/heads.

But I admit now that I really like that attention and I really liked feeling possessed, wanted, cherished = 'special' - after all we ALL ARE SPECIAL is some way (no?) I like that he was pursuing me, it would of been very hard to abandon the budding relationship at that time due to CD.

I guess I have to find a way to understand this better to know if this feeling is unhealhy or not?

Apr 14 - 8PM
kgirl
kgirl's picture

I would have to agree. It

I would have to agree. It was nice to have someone attentive, interested, attracted, jealous, and possessive......made me feel great and so alive! But it all comes crashing down when you realize you were just being hooked and secured for supply. There were signs in the beginning and along the way, hopefully I would recognize now and listen to my gut feelings....and maybe I would never give away my heart again so quickly. ~KG
Apr 14 - 8PM
JLMNY1
JLMNY1's picture

This is a good post. I'm also

This is a good post. I'm also drawn to dominant men. I like to be "taken care of" and I like men to make decisions on things. My exN did this perfectly- he always made the decisions (his friends expected him to do this for them too) he took care of me, and at first, the little things he showed in this area were acceptable. I liked knowing I was his. My exN was very aggressive and admits to being able to crush someone, with his words (he's a lawyer). He certainly crushed me. It was actually a major point when we were breaking up- he said he felt like he pushed me on things and I didn't challenge him. He felt like I was just taking it because I had to. He and his friends and family all warned me of his overbearing personality. He thought he was being nice to me by holding back all the real stuff he wanted to say when we were breaking up. It wasn't until I moved in with him did I see all the Narc stuff come out. He was so controlling of me and my actions. When I was looking for a job, he would plan out my day. Then when I didn't do exactly what he said, he'd be mad. I spoke up about that and said I need to have a choice- he can't control me. I was also always wrong. I made dinner wrong, I put out the wrong plates, I basically just couldnt be trusted to do anything right without him. That's just putting someone down and making them feel inferior.
Apr 14 - 3PM
prettypeeved
prettypeeved's picture

I understand, and it's the

I understand, and it's the same thing that pulled me in. Unfortunately I realised a while ago that he wasn't assertive, he was aggressive. There's a major difference. Assertive is pushing for what you want whilst still considering others. Aggressive is just steamrollering over other people without caring for them at all.
Apr 14 - 3PM
Steph
Steph's picture

I think I know what you

I think I know what you mean. It can be really flattering to feel like you "belong" to someone... like you are so important to him. I think where we make our mistake though is feeling that that 'belonging" implies love. There is a big difference between someone feeling "protective" of you and looking out for your best interest.....and a person feeling like you are his property and that he owns you. I think we confuse the two.
Apr 14 - 2PM
dudette
dudette's picture

me too

After feeling like I was mothering two children for many years, the second child being my H, it felt wonderful to feel that someone was so seemingly obsessive about me.... Checking my FB account, being jealous, possessive, feeling protected, looked after and treasured in that way....I absolutely relished that feeling that I mattered that much to him..... except, I did not, did I......