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Popping up in my dreams and its making me mad

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#1 Aug 27 - 11AM
PhoebeR
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Popping up in my dreams and its making me mad

How many of you get visits from the N in your dreams? I have had these visits for the last two nights and its starting to piss me off. In the dreams she is somewhere she is not supposed to be, like in a meeting with me or at a family function. She knows we are not speaking and that I am not ready to talk to her and yet she insists on being there and acting like nothings wrong. Last night my sister was telling her to leave and asking why she was there and the N was basically ignoring her. I know its my subconscious bringing out my anxiety. Any advice on how to deal with these dreams, what do you all do to get them out of your head?

Sep 24 - 4PM
rosedewittbukater
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dreams - me too

I've been totally NC for almost 6 months, yet almost every night she haunts me in my dreams. I wish I had an answer for you. Though if it helps, the intensity of the dreams seems to be lessening as of late. Sometimes the theme in mine is like yours, she appears when I am at church with my family, or other places. More often the theme is she is chasing and pursuing other people and I am forced to witness the spectacle and somehow trying to get her to stop and pay attention to me, love ME! Pretty much how it was in waking life.
Aug 27 - 4PM
megamillion
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Similar issues (want dreams gone)

I'm glad to see this is something of a common problem - I haven't tried writing down my dreams yet and I have not been able to get into therapy yet but it makes me feel positive/hopeful it will lessen with time. I'm just over 4 months NC and for the past few weeks have had almost nightly bad dreams - I'm not sure if I'd say they are nightmares but they are disturbing. The dreams leave me drained the next day, and usually distressed as well. It's making me feel like I'm spinning and not moving forward as I should. In mine, exN is usually doing something I would deem suspicious or dishonest - such as excessive flirting or physically embracing/touching other women, lying or avoiding me, or most recently, she was hitting me in her sleep and being sexual with a man (?). Apologies for being frank but I also find there is a lingering sexual component to the dreams. Usually I will find her basically setting the stage for/about to cheat and then we will be sort of sexual like her trying to assuage my fears with being physical/sexual with me (usual vague sexual in my dream, just I "know" in the dream we're being intimate). Finally, I find that it is usually me discovering her misbehavior, or trying to find her, track her down, and "fix" the problem (asking questions to find out the truth, prove that I am better/more worth it) followed by me INITIATING the seduction. It makes me feel really confused that in my dream I KNOW she is doing wrong things but then I am still desiring and allowing myself to be physical with her... I'm guessing this is me processing the subconscious knowledge I have - and thinking through the times my intuition said something was not right - so "discovering" over and over again that she was false. So maybe after I finish writing out my lists I'll be better. PhoebeR, have you done writing out yet? Do you track any of your dreams? Did you seek therapy about your N (she was a work colleague, right?)? Thanks for the tips on writing and therapy xxx Mega
Sep 24 - 5PM (Reply to #10)
rosedewittbukater
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Mega

exN is usually doing something I would deem suspicious or dishonest - such as excessive flirting or physically embracing/touching other women, lying or avoiding me I'm guessing this is me processing the subconscious knowledge I have - and thinking through the times my intuition said something was not right - so "discovering" over and over again that she was false yes, yes yes! Same here. Ugggh...being forced to relive it all when your body is trying to rest and recover is so exhausting.
Aug 27 - 5PM (Reply to #8)
PhoebeR
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It seems the common theme to

It seems the common theme to dealing with the dreams is therapy. Mega, I was in therapy to deal with the breakup of my marriage to an N. In March, almost a year to date of the divorce, my therapist and I felt i was done. The original reason for going was the breakup of my marriage, and I was over that hurdle. I have been thinking of going back. Mostly to deal with the dreams, issues with the friend and unexplained anxiety. My therapist said the door was always open, but I don't want it to seem like a step back. My friend was someone i have known for over 15 years, she became a work colleague after I helped her find a job, after she was unemployed for over a year. I have not tried writing out the dreams, I think I will try that.
Aug 27 - 5PM (Reply to #9)
megamillion
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Hi PhoebeR, thanks for your

Hi PhoebeR, thanks for your answer - In viewing healing and recovery as a process, I think it seems more than reasonable to return to therapy - I'm sure you much more than me can understand the time and practice it takes to re-train those thought pathways. That's a lot of behaviors and experiences with her that you're probably having to work through, too. I'm very sorry that you've dealt with Ns in so many realms of your life (I've ID'd two other N exes and a N/BPD "best friend" too, unfortunately). You sound like you're doing well in setting boundaries and having little/NC - keep it up! Good luck with your recovery and I hope you move past these dreams soon! xxx Mega
Aug 27 - 1PM
Caligirl
Caligirl's picture

I heard or read that dreams

Are a way we work out problems, issues, worries, concerns subconsciously, and get some resolution, and that as long as you're not having nightmares, it can be a good thing. Our subconscious holds a lot of the "keys" if you will as to why we do things, like getting involved with N, and we have to heal there too. Dreams are the key to this too, so I think unless they're disruptive, like nightmares, they can tell you a lot. Some people write down their dreams for this reason, as they can see patterns, track progress, etc. In other words, dreams can tell us a lot about where we're at mentally and emotionally and in our healing.
Aug 27 - 1PM
Nemesis
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Sara-Smile is right.

I used to get bad dreams too and would wake up with my heart beating fast. In mine I would be searching for him but wherever I looked he wasn't there. It was all to do with my fear of abandonment. The dreams stopped once I'd been in therapy for a while.
Aug 27 - 11AM
sara-smile
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PhoebeR

This happened to me for a long time and it drove me nuts!!! Since I've been seeing a therapist and healing I've quit having the nightmares. The nightmares were so real and I would wake up MAD! I promise this will pass. It's part of the healing. Hugs, Sara
Sep 23 - 8PM (Reply to #2)
MovingForward
MovingForward's picture

Dream Nightly

I dream about the Ex N almost nightly. The dreams are usually of her and the new OW of whom I knew. We are usually at our old home together and the ow appears periodically. The dreams always relate to the D&D phase we had. I remember that when we were together, both times, I would always have dreams (nighmares) about her leaving me. I would wake up screaming and in a sweat. She would comfort me back to sleep assuring me she would never leave me. Guess my subconcious was trying to tell me something all along. I wish she would just go away from my mind. It is supposed to be getting better, 11 mths NC, it is only getting worse for me. She is always on my mind and it hurts. I don't know how much longer I can endure this betrayal and pain. :( I feel like I am dying and she has gone on to live a happy life without missing a beat. Please Pray for me.............
Sep 24 - 5PM (Reply to #3)
rosedewittbukater
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Movingforward

I will pray for you. I know your pain. Don't impose deadlines on your healing. 3 months, 11 months, it does not matter! We all heal at our own pace. And sometimes it has to get worse before it gets better! sending you a giant hug, Rose
Sep 27 - 9PM (Reply to #4)
MovingForward
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Thanks

Thank You Rose.