The P/N’s extravaganza of gift giving

26 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 Dec 4 - 7AM
uk lady
uk lady's picture

The P/N’s extravaganza of gift giving

Thinking back, my ex only really gave me gifts at Christmas and I feel only then because there would be an audience who would ooh and ahh about what he had given. My birthdays were a whole different ballgame – there wouldn’t normally be an audience so basically my birthdays didn’t feature on his radar. And boy, did he highlight that fact. Just a few examples, there are too many to remember.

Cards were never posted even if we didn’t see each other on the day. So consequently were invariably late – where’s the point in that? Gifts were either inappropriate or again, late in coming – even months later and generally whilst we were out shopping when he would notice that I liked something so would offer to pay for whatever by way of my missing present. No special plans were ever made and if I suggested anything he again, would unusually not be available on the day or arrive so late, that the day/evening was spoilt.

He bought me a spa day once just for me – no companion or god forbid, that he would come with me. So I was supposed to be over the moon at spending a whole day at the spa by myself. Hell, I spent enough time by myself in the relationship, I didn’t want more alone time imposed on me and expect to be grateful.

Another time he bought me a day out at the races (date was a month after my birthday) – admittedly this time a guest was included. He couldn’t come though, as he was attending his friend’s wedding and I obviously wasn’t invited. The venue was 90 minutes drive away and so meant that I couldn’t even have a drink to celebrate my birthday as I would be driving. Didn’t feel that I could invite a guest and expect them to drive as they couldn’t have a drink either. Had only gone to these kind of events as a huge party in the past where we were all transported in a mini bus so everybody could enjoy. I gave him the tickets back and it then transpired that he invited me to the wedding on the actual day itself because other guests had dropped out and he wanted me to attend. I now suspect that his original guest had backed out and he didn’t really want to go alone. I took great joy in telling him that I was unavailable.

One Christmas he bought me a Wii Fitness set without the board so what good was that? I had to buy the board myself. I was supposed to be overjoyed for an incomplete present that I couldn’t use until I bought the board. I think we only played games on the system once together.

A couple of years ago on my birthday, which was a Sunday, after him going through his cancer treatment and I had been there for him at every stage and supported him throughout it all – which obviously he was so grateful for : NOT!! He repaid me by booking his annual football referee physical test which took him away the whole day, he could have done the same test a month later – wouldn’t have made any difference to the outcome. But no, I wasn’t special enough.

Another time, again we hadn’t seen each other on the day but a week later we met up and he gave me some earrings. He told me that he had bought them ages before my birthday but the authentication certificate included in the box told me that he had actually bought them on the date he had given them to me.

NOW, on his birthdays we had to have the whole shebang. Special outing organised, chauffeur driven by me, meal, cake and gifts galore. Otherwise he felt hard done by and would say so too. And of course, his mother always had to be included. Grr...

This man earned 4 times the amount I did but was essentially an incredibly very mean both with his time and money. And he had no other responsibilities but to himself, unlike me – I have a son who I was putting through university so money was tight.

I didn't, and don't feel sorry for myself, it's just that when I remember one thing then everything else comes tumbling out too.

Would be really interested in your experiences with your exP/N examples of gift giving please.

Dee x

Dec 4 - 11AM
Hermes
Hermes's picture

Gifts. Yes

Yes, I can say I got nice gifts at various times. I still have the good jewellery he gave me. After all it would have been a pity to get rid of it. Since ex-NH was all about "image" it was important to be seen as giving his wife good quality gifts. Besides, it would be the brave man who would dare to produce anything under-par to me! LOL. Hermes
Dec 5 - 3AM (Reply to #24)
Sea
Sea's picture

Hey Hermes are u intending to

Hey Hermes are u intending to keep those jewellery I have some, value-less to pawn them or sell them. I kept them away until recently, I begin to wear them again. Just like any accessories. It has no meaning to me anymore and not painful to see them. I wore the watch he bought today. He bought it for OW as well. So i just wear it as a watch, meaningless, not a momento.
Dec 5 - 5AM (Reply to #25)
Hermes
Hermes's picture

Absolutely Sea

LOL. I have every intention of keeping the jewellery. Now that many years have elapsed it is just good jewellery to me, and I like to wear it on occasion. Why not?! Hermes
Dec 4 - 10AM
Crazy Train
Crazy Train's picture

Here's my "bounty" of gifts,

Here's my "bounty" of gifts, NOT: Clothing from the ex (ok, some are designer jeans $200+ but still USED) A ring from an ex A pillow A belt (that he later said he wanted to try on. After he did, he said "thanks, you can get another one". My reply was "you finally get me something and now you take it back? Charming". He quickly took it off and gave it back to me, mocking the statement I had just made. 50th birthday, nothing. Lunches & dinner, yes. That's all folks.....
Dec 4 - 10AM (Reply to #21)
uk lady
uk lady's picture

Hi CT

How long were you with him? That little bounty would cover about 6 months in a normal relationship. And I know your response will be that it was much longer than that. How will I not be surprised? Mine would always want to give me his cast offs because he was too lazy to take them to the charity shop and would rather put them in the bin than help someone else out. But I never accepted anything second hand for birthdays/ christmases - he would have been a headless vampire if he had tried that one. LOL. I was always fighting my corner like the rest of us. Dee x
Dec 5 - 3AM (Reply to #22)
Sea
Sea's picture

It took a while for narc to

It took a while for narc to start buying me things as well. I bought him a few nice things. He like one of the item and use it. The others he cast it aside. Its about 5 months down the relationshit that he starts buying me things. Before that he gave me a stupid half used spa package he bought and left with a few more sesssions and he didnt like that spa and just want to get rid of it. I gave him a disgusted look and rejected it. Ever since he dare not offer me any such half used craps that he dont want. He knows i wont accept.
Dec 4 - 9AM
Je Suis
Je Suis's picture

Totally lame gifts

Yes, me too-- he makes three times more than me, yet his gifts were seriously cheap and inappropriate. He was the same with his family-- would buy a bunch of junk at the dollar store or walmart. If he purchased anything of value, it was because there would be an audience when it was opened. Later in our relationship, if he got me something, he got the same thing for other women friends too. He actually said to me: "Aren't I supposed to buy you jewelry or something?" At this point I was planning my escape/exit, and said "Please don't, I don't want that from you." I thought for awhile it was because he was a clueless rich brat, and he really didn't know how to act. When he started to get verbally abusive and emotionally cruel, I noticed the gift thing. I'm writing a song: "Ode to the rake you bought me for my birthday!" The refrain: "The greatest gift you gave, was the gift of never ever seeing you again!" I'm looking forward to Christmas this year. If I drop 300 bucks on someone again, it will be someone in need in my community.
Dec 4 - 9AM (Reply to #19)
uk lady
uk lady's picture

Or better still, Je Suis

Yourself. That's what I intend to do this Christmas with the vast sums of money I used to spend on him and his N-mother. Would be interested in hearing your song please. ROFL. Dee x
Dec 4 - 9AM
LightAtTheEndOf...
LightAtTheEndOfTheTunnel's picture

They are lousy gift givers...

Once realising how they "operate" i remember being stunned into how reptilian they all truely are?! This is a man who gifted me very early into our relationship by buying me a small token for us both (his and hers hot water bottles) and took me out for a lovely Valentines day meal/day out. This all soon changed. For Christmas he did get me a decent gift of an MP3 player and popped my favourite songs onto it, but again i agree with you Dee this is because the stakes were higher around Christmas, i.e family and friends. I spent two birthdays with this man on my first i recived nothing (does sex count as a gift?... *rolls eyes*) on my second birthday i recieved a Lorraine Pascal Baking Book - No card. Oh and he made me know the book cost all of 18.99 and the effort he put into going to WHSmith to find the book etc (im not joking here)... For his birthdays the first i surprised him with a meal at a Burlesque club and show, the second i took him to a Far East film festival ( he has a passion for far east films). Valentines day 2011 i recived a printed out card from his Computer... I was at the resturant, in a red dress with my card and presents for him.. and yeah.. in a manilla envelope he'd stolen from work.. i walked to the bathroom and cried... came back and he looks me in the eye and says "Wheres the orginal card you were going to get me"? :-| I had been designing a moonpig card for him however he walked into the kitchen and has saw the card so i decided on another, yet such is their entitlement that he felt hurt i hadnt actually got it for him. So yeah there you go... Narcs suck! xx
Dec 4 - 10AM (Reply to #17)
uk lady
uk lady's picture

Hi Light

I experienced 21 birthdays with this guy so my memory is a little fuzzy. I do remember probably our first Christmas together where we both bought a discman for each other. Showing my age. I prefer music in the house or car, not into walking about with eyephones in etc. But he used to travel on the tube to work and he loved music of any kind. Used to boast about his eclectic taste - whatever, get over yourself, all sounded like music you would want to slit your wrists to!!! I bought him a top of the range Sony - you guessed it. I got a non-branded cheapo version. I got a refund after Christmas and bought something I wanted. And no, sex does not count BUT in their eyes, it does, and especially if you spent the whole day together. What a lucky girl you were - PLEASEEEEEEEEEE We all sure did get lucky with these guys - didn't we? NOT!!!!
Dec 4 - 8AM
Sea
Sea's picture

Dee these are

Dee these are mine: Birthdays: every year the same story - cant be bothered to plan and buy early. I suspect he is not sure if he would spend it with me. His magical thinking might be hoping a hot chick might date him and what's the point of the present? Better to go on a hot date and find some excuse to dump me. Well he did not have such luck. So 2 hrs before our dinner he has to run outa office scrambling to buy something. He would text me like "u prefer red blue or green?". None of the years he turn up with a nice gift on time. Yes he eventually presented me with an expensive gift weeks after to show that he did buy!! Christmas- only on the first one i got a present. A Chanel watch. Later i know he bought chanel watch for 3 of his ow! How special!! The other 2 Christmas he abandoned me so needless to say no presents. All other ocassions he got me anything from the airport, inflight sale etc. Endless perfumes, bags (of weird colors, never got me a simple blsck or brown). whatever he can grab minutes before he step outa airport to meet me. Of the 20x he travel to London on business. He never bought a "made in UK" thing for me. 15x no presents. 5x airport perfumes. I've got alot of those i left them open in my toilet as fresheners.
Dec 4 - 9AM (Reply to #14)
uk lady
uk lady's picture

Sumiko

You are on fire today. This floored me : I've got alot of those i left them open in my toilet as fresheners. They must be the most expensive air freshners in history. Seriously though. They are just so into themselves that they don't give anyone else a second thought. The only relief you can gain from it, is that you were treated no worse or, no better, than any of the others. He is just an egotistical scumbag. And you so know that ultimately you will be far better off without him in your life. They all just need kicking to the kerb and staying there. Dee x
Dec 5 - 3AM (Reply to #15)
Sea
Sea's picture

Dee, it might seems strange

Dee, it might seems strange that I would "complain" about these "expensive" gifts. It is not really the value of the gift that matters. Its whether he has the "heart" to buy it for me. He spent alot of $$ on those gifts to look generous thats all. He never intended for me to enjoy those gifts. We went to a jewellery shop, I liked a pink diamond earrings. He asked for the blue sapphire ones and bought them. The pink diamonds are small and cost only a fraction of the big blue sapphire ones. I have small ears and small face, doesnt look good in any big stones earrings. He just ignored and asked the sales gal to wrap it up and literally TOSS the credit card at her. She showed him the "disgusted face", he deserved it for not showing her any respect. I think she pitied me.... well... Yes, he is an egoistic scumbag. I use the word "scum" on him before, once when he said he dont want the baby he had with me (luckily that was a false alarm). I called him a "scum"! And he remember it and said i abused him verbally all the time! They will rem it for ages. But he has forgotten he hurt me by refusing to take responsibility for our baby! Yeah, they always must be right!! S C U M B A G!
Dec 4 - 8AM
aceonelady
aceonelady's picture

i never got anything

Only a ring,that he found whenrefurbishing an appartment from the Housing project where he did work as a maintenance and utility worker in Tulsa.He gave me this ring when i got there from Europe to be with him,after 2 years Skype,google talk and etc..which phone calls bills i also paid for...no he only gave me sorrow and silent treatment an sex and love withdraw.i am prety down today.ia am 6 weeks NC,but i am getting pretty sick.

Aceonelady

Dec 4 - 9AM (Reply to #10)
uk lady
uk lady's picture

I am speechless

What a total scumbag. I hope you threw it back at him. Dee x
Dec 4 - 9PM (Reply to #11)
aceonelady
aceonelady's picture

Uk Lady

No,i didn't...i was still in shock and wondering why in a world when i saw him at the waiting hall at the Airport,when i got out the gates he was talking to an Airport cleaning girl,and when i called his name that girl came at me very nervous saying i got nothing to do with him,he knows my cousin...and i haven't said one word to her...when we arrived at his home(mind this was the first time we got together in 2 years of Skype,pictures,google talk ,phone calls you name it,daily)he threw a piece of paper on the counter,with the name Laura on it,i didn't say anything but the next dat i threw it away...oh and some more...the day i arrived i said i am gonna take a shower and he asked me if i minded using the towel that he had used that morning...i said no,i don't mind...i think he was expecting me to react,i think he was preparing me for the D&D THAT CAME 2 DAYS LATER...AFTER HAVING SEX WITH ME AND TELLING ME IT WAS GROSS...AND STARTED THE SILENT TREATMENT...AND SAYING THAT WE DIDN'T GET ALONG BECAUSE WHEN I DO NOT GET WHAT I WANT I START TO REACT....aND THAT AFTER ME FLYING 13 HOURS FROM Amsterdam to Tulsa to be wit him after 2 years of daily contact and supporting him with his depressions and troubles....Hughs C

Aceonelady

Dec 5 - 12AM (Reply to #12)
uk lady
uk lady's picture

Hindsight in a wonderful thing

And if we had all known then what we know now, none of us would have even given these guys the time of day let alone years of our our lives. Hope he is well out of your life now Ace. Dee x
Dec 4 - 8AM
ruby01 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Ironically, the best gift

they can give you is ST and dropping the charade.
Dec 4 - 5PM (Reply to #8)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

"Happy unmarriage!"

Remember the unbirthdays that the Mad Hatter celebrates in "Alice in Wonderland"? I think it's that way with Ns/Ps. Since I didn't marry the ex-Psych (tho I did once entertain that thought), it's something worth celebrating. He's the only person I've ever thanked for NOT dating me. It was on a nice Wittgenstein postcard (Wittgenstein was his favorite philosopher) My friends wondered why I lacked animus towards the ex-P's girlfriend (now wife) First of all, I wasn't romantically/sexually involved with him. That would've been an emotional investment to get into bed with him. The GREATEST gift the ex-P gave me was the quartet of not dating me, not marrying me, not having sex with me, and not fathering my kids. Isn't that sorta like a gift basket with crackers, cheese, and wine? With some chocolates thrown in?
Dec 4 - 10AM (Reply to #7)
Crazy Train
Crazy Train's picture

I'd have to agree with you,

I'd have to agree with you, Ruby, although while it's happening, it's hard to imagine it as a "gift". But truly, it is because it's forcing NC. CT
Dec 4 - 9AM (Reply to #6)
uk lady
uk lady's picture

As you say Ruby

I have now come to appreciate that sentiment too. ST is absolutely the best gift they can give us. Dee x
Dec 4 - 7AM
really
really's picture

For my birthday, he gave me a

For my birthday, he gave me a gift card to an upscale restaurant. He would accompany me there, of course. Sounds OK, but these were the GCs he used in his business for customer appreciation and referrals. Tax-deductible, too - nice. Christmas? In 6-7yrs, he was only around for one of them. I ran into him at our local home improvement store. He was buying fleece throws for $1.99/ea. He was pissed I saw him, that "now you know what you're getting for Christmas!" I thought maybe he was kidding. Of course, he wasn't and I got that $1.99 fleece throw. Bonus - he got one for my dog, too. He also got me a bird feeder, a hook to hang it on, and several ziploc baggies filled with birdseed - same thing he gave his parents and his sister.
Dec 4 - 9AM (Reply to #2)
uk lady
uk lady's picture

Wow Really

He was even meaner than mine. I do have to shake myself nowadays in wonderment that I put up with the abuse. No surprise then that I was constantly in a state of rage whilst with him trying to make him see the unfairness of his behaviour - their selfishness is truly awesome and, not in a good way either. Thanks for your comments. Dee x
Dec 4 - 8PM (Reply to #3)
nomoredenial
nomoredenial's picture

Mine got me

ballons and a edible flower arrangement for an anniversary and since I made such a big deal out of it because he never bought me anything he turned around and did it again about 2 weeks later. His best ploy though was that he would drop hints about something and it would be weird so of course I would say "oh What" and he would get weirder so i would push and he would say fine I was gonna surprise you but you never let me surprise you (cause he always played this game) but now you ruined it. and so that was that. The last birthday we were together he took the mortgage and went on a snowboarding vacation, bought a whole new winter wardobe and called me and went on and on about how awesome the gloves where and how sweet the coat looked. It was the beginning of the end I was in the car with my sister and i said this is crazy talk what is he doing. He then said I realize now that I am up here I miss you guys if I come home for the night will you guys come back tomorrow with me, (he was out of money but not done snowboarding so he wanted a warm bed.) I said no you should just stay there and sleep in the car and come home tomorrow, there was a part of me that hoped he freeze to death. Of course the next day he went on and on and on about how he almost froze to death. No shit idiot, but somehow it had nothing to do with it being his fault.
Dec 5 - 12AM (Reply to #4)
uk lady
uk lady's picture

Hi Nomoredenial

Their selfishness and blinkered sense of their entitlement knows no bounds. I feel that's why we "normal" people have such a hard time coming to terms with it. We are completely dumbstruck and so keep looking for some shred of decency in them to spring forth whilst we are in the relationshit. Once we realise there is absolutely no hope - it becomes very clear and we know we have to get out. Whether they D&D us or we walk away - the result is the same. FREEDOM. Dee x