Pls help! I am hanging on by a thread! I want to end my stupid life!

17 posts / 0 new

#1 Sep 12 - 4PM

Qing Yuan

Pls help! I am hanging on by a thread! I want to end my stupid life!

My son is wat is keeping me alive tonight! I've stopped taking care of myself! My loveless painful relatinship with narc husband is still draining and co patenting means I'm still having to endure the agonies of his whimsy whimsical here and there two and thro of mr nice guy, my nasty! Mr friendly, mr don't give a F! And now I've really made myself ill! I went out to a bar franks and danced!! Me a 35 yr old house wife!!! And ended up getting it on with some unknown!!! It was unfulfilling and stupid and made me feel worse! I actually don't want to live anymore! All of my friends are maaried and have great husbands! There children are happy! These woman av no idea how it feels to be abused! I hate my life! Since I was 13 I've been letting men abuse me! Tonight I actually wish I was dead!! I would do it but I know that my son needs a mother! A lousy drunk of a mother is better than no mother right! Pls help, pls help! Pls tell me I will get over this! That one day I will be able to be happy again! That this is not all my life is! I can take control and I've been good! But sometimes it hurts to much! The emotinal pain engulfs me and I can't take it! How can I make the shame and hate I have for myself tonight go away!
I'm so frightened that I will never get thru this! V x

#2 Sep 13 - 7PM

not-an-idiot

I understand exactly how you

I understand exactly how you feel. My friends are all set in their cozy lives and I have a hard time taking care of me as my son comes first (he's 3). The lack of energy, no will to go on, no fun found in things that were once pleasurable etc. It murders the life and soul. We are better than this. it takes time. I still don't know how to get over it and battle insomnia. If I wasn't a mom I bet I would have ended it a while ago. I wish you the best. Please try to pull free.

#3 Sep 13 - 2AM

TraumaMamma

I take these calls all the

I take these calls all the time and they break my heart. No one is worth ending your life over. NO ONE. And yet, I, myself, going thru this pain, which is totally unbearable, one day sat at work, as a 911 operator, wondering what my husband was doing, who he was with, stared at a plate of food I couldn't eat (we don't even get breaks, we have to eat at our consoles) and my eyes started to well up with tears and I thought.... "I understand how people get that desperate now" But, I got a call, which snapped me out of it, got thru the shift and went to the drug store on the way home and got some St johns wort so I wouldn't be so damn weepy all the time. Dammit, I have kids. I have a life, too. And he may have sucked a few years out of me, but he isn't getting anymore and the future without me is going to be way bleaker for him, than had I stayed with him. I wasn't about to off myself and let him get the last word either. I can only imagine how he would have twisted all that around to glorify himself. Oh HELL NO. You are sad. I get it. We all get sad. My friends gave me advice to occupy as much time as I could with friends and go out as much as possible. Which, I am a homebody by nature. But, they are right. The more distracted you are, the less yout think about them. Then get angry. Take your life back. We only get one shot. No do overs. Life is meant to be LIVED not endured. I have surrendered my life to the path that the universe has laid out for me. And so far, despite the pain and the fear, each day gets a little easier. WE ARE HERE FOR YOU. WE LOVE YOU. You are here for a reason and are just as important as anyone else in this world. Especially to your children. Never forget that. Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow.' --Mary Anne Radmache

Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow.' --Mary Anne Radmache

#4 Sep 12 - 10PM

sweetsamm

Listen to me!!

I just logged on after being off for a few days and saw your post....i wish you had my number..i'm gonna give it to betty,i know exactly how you feel...i wanted to die,my life felt over..I"M 42!!! With a 3yr old and 19yr old,not exactly dating material....all my friends married,families,kids,great husbands.....i did the same thing,hooked up with randoms and felt WORSE..i sobbed to my mom and told her i wanted to die...NOW 6mos after that and 1yr after leaving my ex....i just met an AWESOME guy,i have my confidence back,my daughter is doing great.....Just hold on,i promise,getting through this will make you sooooo STRONG!!I'm not kidding....surviving this will make you unstoppable..please trust me......:)sweetsamm

#5 Sep 12 - 5PM

gettinbetter

Wow. I am so sorry for you.

Wow. I am so sorry for you. The pain is excruitating for you I know BUT FIGHT FOR YOURSELF. DO NOT LET HIM WIN BY GETTING YOU LIKE THIS. FIGHT FOR YOURSELF AND YOUR SON! Dig down deep. You will find happiness again but you have to get to place where you can allow that to happen first. I know its all easier said than done. Please try if not for you for your son. BIG HUGS TO YOU! YOU ARE VALUABLE so much so that the Narc chose you and they think they are entitled to the best of everything especially people.

#6 Sep 12 - 5PM

wholeagain

Thinking of you

I don't have much to add to the wise words you've already gotten, but most of us have been where you are in some way or another. Said or done things we regretted, drank too much, had sex that we feel awful about later. And we're here to tell you that there's light after that, happiness after that! Yesterday is done and can't be changed. Keep talking, keep reading and know that you're not alone okay? xoxo

#7 Sep 12 - 4PM

girlfriday

I am so sorry for your pain.

I am so sorry for your pain. Most of us have been there. I know I have. But THE NARCS AREN'T WORTH IT!!!!! You have received some great advice here already, so I won't be redundant, but I do want to say that alcohol is a DEPRESSANT and although it perhaps numbs the pain temporarily, it makes you 3 times as low and depressed in general...even when you aren't drunk or drinking. At my worst, I began using depressants regularly. But when I cut down and stopped the p.m. drinking, a fog lifted. And I was magically not so depressed anymore. It felt miraculous. I highly recommend a 12-step program for starters. And take the focus off of the narc and put it all on you and your son. Best to you.

#8 Sep 12 - 4PM

michele115 (not verified)

Qing...

Find your nearest psych emergency room and tell them you are in a crisis. Call a family or friend immediately and tell them what you are feeling. Summon up the strength to make arrangements for your son. If you are in such a crisis, you cannot think clearly. The best thing you can do for yourself and your son is get help. Medication temporarily may help take the edge off of what you are feeling until you can sort out this mess. You do need help to get through this and lots of support. No one can go through this alone. You are not a failure, you are not weak, you are human and you have been emotionally raped by a narcissist. You are the victim. Seeking professional help does not mean you are crazy. It means you have great strength to admit to yourself that you have a problem which from what they say is the first step in recovery. You have a beautiful son who needs love, affection and a spiritually, emotionally and physically healthy mom, or else he will develop some form of disorder as a result of his surroundings. Do it for you and your son. Change the patterns, take the first step at reversing the damage, arm yourself with knowledge and be determined to heal. If momma isnâ€™t okay, baby isnâ€™t either and from the looks of it, the Narcissist certainly wonâ€™t pick up the slack, so get moving, hold it together and if you need to collapse, just get to the psych emergency, and let it all out there. Ensure your son is safe, find a relative. Much worse to let this linger and he suffers years because you are trying to â€œBE STRONGâ€ when right now, you need a ton of support to get through this. We are all here for youâ€¦I myself have been on the edge. You are not crazy and you will feel better. Hugs and prayers for healing

#9 Sep 12 - 4PM

Qing Yuan

Thanks for your kindness! I

Thanks for your kindness! I was doing well! I was getting stronger! But now narc husband can't pay the money he is meant to give me and won't give me any space even tho we are split! He still plays tug if war with me, correcting my words, telling me he doesn't need me tonfinish speaking because he knows wat I'm going to say next! He can't stop talking, bout himself! Then gets nasry if I try to talk on "his level"! He thinks he needs to pick me up on practicaly every syllabelle!!!! I have a friend who drinks heavily! I like her but I know she is not good influence! So I go out and drink heavily too! I was so drunk on Friday I threw up in the sink in the ladies! It's just not what I do! I'm trying to get back the person I was b4! Trying to get back into martial arts and nutrition! But on Friday I thought, "it doesn't matter if I drink I to oblivion and screw som guy, cos it might be a reprieve from the sick joke my life is" I went to a wedding last wk! My ex narc was there with his skinny Korean model wife! I was there with my son, single fat and just well, old and tired looking! He asked where my husbanD was! I wonder how gud he felt after having cried days b4 my wedding that I was doing the wrong thing!!! And ur right those happily married woman have there problems, there relatinships are not easy but at least there problems are not manifest from narc selfish bas**ard husbands! I've got no love left inside me for myself! I am grateful for your replies! I cried and cried as I read way u all wrote! Why when my life is so bad wud I make it worse with drink and now casual sex with someone I don't know! Anotha narc, yes he was, that's for sure! Have I not had enuff of allowing myself to be drained and used by these type of men! Clearly not! I will stay alive! For my beautiful child and because narc husband would get all the freaking sympathy and a free house if I did die! Bless u all! I feel bad for bringing my deep depression here! Thank you all! I will try to get some counselling sorted tomo! V

#10 Sep 12 - 4PM

helldweller

Quing Yuan

Listen, sweetheart, you can do this. Believe me when I tell you I was right there less than a month ago. The lowest I have ever been in my life. It was my little girls that brought me to my senses. You HAVE to just focus on what you need to do right this hour. And you have to take care of yourself. I am the lousy, drunk mother, too. I am the woman who got drunk and had sex with strangers because he didn't love me anymore. We will get past this. Read everything you can here. Read from the wonderful women who have risen from the ashes. I know it seems impossible, but we will get there too.

#11 Sep 12 - 4PM (Reply to #6)

Qing Yuan

Thank u heddweller for wat u

Thank u heddweller for wat u wrote! I needed to hear that!!! I am filled with shame for wat I keep doing! Compelled to do ugly stuff, drunken sexual ugly stuff! I know I'm better than this! Until a few months ago I had never been unfaithful to him in all the years! And suddenly I just started to drown out the pain with alcohol! Then came the strangers! I was filled with shame and guilt! War wud I di if I got pregnantir or an STD? I suppose it's the human touch we crave! That never came from my husband except in the very beggining and will never cone from one night stands with guys I don't even like, and wudnt look at sober! I'm over weight so I know they don't really like me either! It's empty, meaningless and fills me with shame like I'm the only one doing it! Al the shame and hate of the whole world is in my heart tonight! Why do we do it? If I knew why it wud help? It just seems like a great idea at the time! Wats worse is I can barely remember it now! Thank you heddweller for helping to see wat I know really! Imbit the only one who is driven to this kind of place! I have got to getthru to the other side!

#12 Sep 12 - 7PM (Reply to #7)

helldweller

Qing Yuan

The craving for the touch of a man is the most natural thing in the world, and for a man to show his wife no affection is a horrific thing. There is no blame whatsoever to be had by you; you are a poor, abused victim of an evil predator and your feelings for yourself should be pity and love, not shame or disgust. You are a human being who needs love, and a woman who needed care and affection from her husband. Last year, the day after Christmas, I had sex with an aquaintance and then had a threesome with two men, all in my own house, while my children were at my mom's home. It was a party I gave and the narc didn't show up. I wanted him to meet my friends. I remember thinking, Why do these people want me and he doesn't? I was so, so drunk. I drank until eight o'clock in the morning. I am a nice woman. Most of the people at the party were from my church choir or neighbors who also have children, or friends I've known my whole life. I am not this person, and it is embarrassing for me to tell this here, but everyone here understands that we become shells, robots, blindly flailing, reaching for love anywhere, in the face of these narc monsters. I 'd like to tell you to have a nice scented bath and put on some nice quiet music, get in a robe and light a candle. I don't know if you can do something nice for yourself right now, but you deserve to be wrapped in blankets and sung to sleep after what you've been through. Try to take care of yourself instead of making it worse. We all go through the outraged rebellion, drinking, sleeping with people, etc. because we are so hurt, but try to make that stage as short as possible. You've been hurt enough and the real solution is in peace and love, not drinking and sex, and loud music. Reallly.

#13 Sep 13 - 11AM (Reply to #8)

Qing Yuan

Heddweller, u r a kind deep

Heddweller, u r a kind deep loving soul! Your words touched me today so deeply that again water is falling from eyes! How amazing to feel ur caring from a far like this! Being sung to sleep is not something I have known nor cud imagine! But bless you for that sentiment! Bless you for being open and sharing! I can't believe what we do to our bodies, in the name of touch and affection! And getting empty sex is pretty much the depth of my narcs husband's love! So whether I get shallow love with stranger or narc husband it's both empty and unfulfilling! I know the best stuff I can do for me is just mind my own needs and be good to myself but I guess it all starts with a drink and then b4 u know u want something more to mask the pain! I will forgive myself! I know I was looking for something that can't be found in a late bar in town! Or In the bottom of a shot glass! Only inside me! Thank you so much hedweller! I feel realy heard!!! Bless you 1000 times! I admit I am starting to think that I shall never meet a nice real honest genuine guy! I'm guess I feel kinda done! Maybe it's about not looking anyway eh? Thanks again! I'm sitting snuggling my preciuos boy and watching movies today! I am blessed to av this much! X

#14 Sep 12 - 4PM

ewa

I am really sorry you feel

I am really sorry you feel this way. But you know everything in our life depends on ourselves. We just should have enough power to make the steps to change sth. No man should make us feel so bad. I know the feeling of being powerless, and feel like nothing makes sense anymore. But we need to start fighting for ourselves. I would like to cheer you up and tell you everything will be OK, but the only person who can change all what is happening right now is you. To change sth we need to start making decisions and take a full control for our life. Do not let anybody to take control over your life. You have a Son and this is really great. I would really love to have one. It must be a great feeling to know there will always be somebody for you. Take care of him so and you will never be alone. And the most important respect yourself in each way..it will help you will see. I think many things in our life depends on this how we value ourselves and how much we respect ourselves. Self-confident people usually take bigger part of the cake. And maybe my assumption is wrong. But i think many of usshould work on our self-confidence and this should change our life totally. Why not to give it to try?

#15 Sep 12 - 4PM

neverlookback

I am reaching out to you as

I am reaching out to you as one woman to another having suffered the horrible trauma as we share. I dont know your story but I see you are in horrible pain and dont know where to turn to get some immediate relief. First I hope you are in a counseling program because we are not certified counselors on this forum and we can only help you based on what we have lived through. My dear NO LIFE IS STUPID, life is a gift and there is nobody on the face of this earth that is worth the feeling like you want your life to end. You are searching to find the love you so want in other ways, guess what that means you are a human being but that also means you have suffered a terrible loss that has lead you to this feeling of giving up all hope. And I have news for you, you may think all your friends are happily married and have wonderful lives, but that is what you only see within your circle of friends. I married and am NOT HAPPY and so are millions of people in the world. I have watched two of my friends husbands leave them for women 20 years younger, pulled the life right from under them - they were a mess for a long time but they made it and you will too. It is important not to beat yourself up you are deeply hurting and you have every right to fall down but you get yourself back up and take one day at a time that is all any of us here on this forum can do. I lost my job, had to file bankruptcy yet I still find hope no matter how much I wanted to crawl in a hole and die that I will not let a disordered person take me down with him, I shall rise above that with all the courage and strength it takes and so will you. x0x0x0

#16 Sep 12 - 4PM

jen79

Qing Yuan

I've been it this place you are now so long and so often. And now listen carefully. All you have right now is an emotional flashback, you probrably suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder and emotional flashbacks are typical for that. You dont want to die, you want the pain to stop. But you have a son, and he needs his mother! Please do what I say now: lay down and breath, breath through the pain and tell yourself "right now I just have an emotional flashback", cry if you need to, let it out, write it out. Just please don't do something stupid right now! Can you call a friend? Or your mother? Anyone you can call right now? Believe me quin yuan, it does stop, and if I can tell you that I really mean it, cause I suffered so much and wanted to die so often just so this pain stops, but believe me it does get better! I just takes a while. Write it out, cry, sleep if you need a break, cause you'll need the sleep, you brain recovers while sleeping. Make yourself a tee, have a bath, and breath through the pain, it is just an emotional flashback - you'll feel better soon, I promise!

#17 Sep 12 - 4PM (Reply to #2)

Janet

You are so valuable and are

You are so valuable and are on this earth for good reasons. You love your son and he loves you, that is so much. Being hurt by someone with a mentally damaged individual is brutal, but surmountable. You say you have been abused by men since you were 13 - now is your chance to say NO MORE and start a beautiful new life. Peace. J

Peace. J

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