please someone talk to me, im crawling out of my own skin

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#1 Apr 3 - 4AM

jaycee

please someone talk to me, im crawling out of my own skin

i need to hear someone tell me, im not going through this again. i cant believe i let it happen again. im crawling out of my own skin....all i can hear in my mind is his words saying "your behavior is why im back with her." if i only shut my mouth and didnt flip, hed be here during the week throwing me crumbs, well, at this point, its better than having him living with her playing family with her and her kid, while im caring for our sick daughter and our dying dog. why didnt i just shut my mouth and let him sleep with her occasionally, instead of moving in lock stock and barrel and leaving us for dead. im so sick right now, yes, this is how i feel this morn, i feel so little for myself, that i would take his crumbs and live for his little affection, and absolute disregard for me, rather than have him humiliate me again, by prancing all over with her and her kid..........its sick, i know i need help, but God, why didnt i shut my mouth, he keeps saying, she was letting go of me, and you had to flip out, now, im back with her and shes never letting me go, shes buying him a 300, 0000 condo and purchasing a vacation home for him, now he will be living a life of financial freedom when all i had to do and should have done, according to him, was shut your mouth and stay in the fucking house where you belong. God, i cant believe i feel this way for someone who doesnt care if i live or die.....please someone talk to me, tell me he will eventually treat her that way as well, please, tell me he didnt go back to her because she is the one, please talk to me.......

#2 Apr 4 - 3AM

Journey

Wow Jaycee, I'm sorry you are

Wow Jaycee, I'm sorry you are in such pain... I'll add to all the other voices here - He will not change for her, he will treat her badly too (he already does), the happiness you think you see between them is not real, she is NOT the one. They cannot love. They are easily bored. They don't change for anyone because they don't know how to be any different. Remember that when you imagine he has something with her that is special or better. It is impossible because of his disorder. I agree with everyone who says to try to step away, go for a walk, anything to distract yourself from this obsessive self blame. One day I believe you will be grateful he's no longer your problem and hopefully you will feel some happiness again inside soon - for you and your daughter because he isn't there to keep poisoning it. I am so sorry to hear about your dog also... ((hugs))

Journey on...

#3 Apr 4 - 3AM (Reply to #34)

jaycee

thank you journey

thank you journey, i really hope what you said is the truth, because deep down what i see is they do have something special, whereas, we didn't and that breaks my heart, i do see their happiness, hopefully, its all in my mind, im sick inside knowing how much she can give him, and i cant, i can barely function with all that is going on in my life, im sick inside knowing, once again, hes living the life of reilly, and i am here with all the responsibilites that come with someone who has to be an adult and deal with such horrific nightmares, having a child addicted to drugs, is such a terrifying nightmare, and too boot, my poor baby now has a serious disease and has to undergo treatment, that is less than remotely comfortable, im hoping she is one of the luckier ones and doesnt get as sick from it as the doctor says, im hoping she will be cured 100 percent, but it is so advanced, i had no idea she was a heroin addict since she was 16, i didnt know for about a year into it, i wasnt stupid, i was just dealing with a cheating, husband, my beautiful son going off into the army and eventually leaving for the middle east, and this horrific woman tormenting me about her affair with my husband...i didnt see it, because our daughter played me so well, we would watch tv everynight, go to the mall, i never even noticed the track marks on her arms for a year, i guess i wasnt looking for that, its just something i dont fathom, i dont even drink, and now, i am alone, and all i can see is my heartache over him the kids my precious dog, and all i can see is her gloating in my face about their reunion and how happy he is making her and how sad i am.......they got what they wanted and left me in a pile of shit to dig myself out of........i guess my plate is full and too add to it, he left me with his crumbs as well........

Jaycee

#4 Apr 3 - 10PM

beamoflight

(((hugs))) I hope you dont

(((hugs))) I hope you dont mind my opinion (I am a mess myself with my exN so please know I mean this nicely) It sounds like he was looking for an excuse to go. If it was not one thing it would have been something else. She sounds like she is a sugar mamma and unless you win the lottery he will always go to where life is easy. Its hard to raise a sick child. It takes a man. He is Peter pan... a boy... your life with him makes him be a grown up. He does not want that. I am so sorry you are having such a hard night. More hugs.

#5 Apr 4 - 2AM (Reply to #32)

jaycee

beamoflight

what you said seriously made me say oh God, she's right! It takes a man to raise a sick child, or any child for that matter. He is a boy, actually, he's stuck in high school where he was the end all be all of his entire town, best athelete, had tons of friends, a women by the dozens, throwing themselves at him. had he not married me and had children with me, i can rest assured, he would have gone back to his hometown, and reveled in his own legend for years, without even a ounce of success under his belt. my dad pulled strings to get him his job, he had a beautiful family, a good job, a nice home, and a beautiful wife who adored him and made it her job to make him and their children happy, she lost herself, allowed herself to be abused and emotionally mindfucked for years, that is where the problem came in, she didnt realize he was never going to leave high school and college, moreso, high school. he has been a legend in his own mind for so many years. she, meaning, ME, gave him everything any real man could ever want but it wasnt enough, and now, after you saying what you said, it makes sense, of course he was looking for any excuse, no one goes where they dont want to be, and of course who wouldnt want to be where it is easy, tons of ego boosting, gifts galore, dinners and weekends away, and now a new beautiful condo,(no caring for the lawn and pool and bushes, like here) new furniture, new car, not his precious older car, adundance of pot, booze, and of course, more viles of steroids than any gym junkie could dream of, who am i kidding, of course thats where someone like him would want to be.........why would he want to be here, dealing with a sick daughter, a dying dog, a wife who expects fidelity, and the financial struggles that come with life, when you dont put forth extra effort and get a second job to supplement the rising costs of everything, why would he want reality, when she is offering him a life of financial freedom, now promises to not suffrocate him and allow him his freedom on the weekends to come and go as he pleases, cause she knows he will get bored of that for a while and not go away every weekend again. and too boot, promised she would never make the mistake of calling the cops ever again no matter what.....she won, now she will have the love of her life by her side and give peter pan all the tappings of childhood that i couldnt give him. as i, the wife, will stew in her own heartache, care for their drug addicted daughter (who now has hep C and will begin her interferon treatments this month, in hopes her liver is not too damaged to reverse the disease), rock their dying dog, watch their son go off to Afghanistan (did his stint in Iraq already)shit who wouldnt run from all of this when he has someone who is promising him the world, and all she wants in return is him sleeping in her bed every night and to prance him around in victory, knowing she won, she actually saved a man from his horrible life of responsibility and a wife whom he never loved.....God, I hope for her sake, she never looses her job (as I did) watches her child go through horrific drug addiction, another go off to war, loose the man she has loved for twenty five years, watch her child suffer from grueling treatments, take her child to the clinic daily, and several doctor appts weekly, take her child to psychiatrists, therapists, internists, oncologists, etc....I really hope for her sake, it was worth being part of destroying another woman and her family.....as for him he is the lucky one, all he has to do is be there, smile, tell her shes the love of his life and sleep in her bed every night, and life is beautiful..........lucky him

Jaycee

#6 Apr 3 - 10PM

kgirl

Jaycee..... I'm thinking of

Jaycee..... I'm thinking of you tonight.... sending you strength and prayers. Hugs for you ~K

#7 Apr 3 - 5PM

michele115 (not verified)

jaycee

When was the last time you were "happy" with him? Because, I haven't heard you talk of happiness with him...I heard you talk of how nice it was he could help with cooking? There's Chinese, Italian I presume, Pizza even Tv Dinners. When was the last time you were happy WITH him? Why are you obsessing when you weren't even happy? This isn't about him...this is about lonliness, this is about a rule about marrige that says you stay together forever. You envy their "alleged" happiness but you were never happy with him... AND somehow in your mind, you think if he could change you would be happy...or if you would change you could be happy... Jaycee, you were never happy with him. So if you are going to be unhappy with him, why have him around the rest of your life and his? Why not try something different? Why not be unhappy alone until you find happy then you can be happy without him and maybe meet someone someday that helps enhance your life. You are looking outside of yourself for happiness, looking at others and their alleged happiness... Just focus on you Jaycee, you haven't been to you in 25 years...let it go... Why be a slave to misery?

#8 Apr 3 - 3PM

jaycee

im still crawling out of my own skin

oh God, i just wrote on another post, i saw the two of them driving around town, looking so content and happy like a happily married couple. God, he settled in so easily and so quickly back into their routine. I guess she is who he has wanted all along. it makes me so sick inside knowing he never took me anywhere. but then again, im a homebody, i dont like to drink, or smoke pot, hate to work out, and despise illegal steroids, so guess i just wasnt for him.........and she is........too bad he wasted twenty five years of my life, instead of being a man and saying i dont love you, never did.........they must have laughed all the way back to her apt......hahahah look at jaycee all alone as we prance happily ever after......

Jaycee

#9 Apr 3 - 3PM (Reply to #26)

dudette

Jaycee

Hang on in there girl.... and read the Nouri posts.... they are very enlightening.... Stuff like that happends, will happen. We can only try and protect ourselves I have a very homebody lifestyle at the moment. I though my hometown was safe and then he was spotted driving past my best friend'a house last friday... in a car with a woman whose description does not fit with OW.... but I said to best friend, next time just don't tell me.... However, the more NC you get, the stronger you are and the less you will be driven insane by this..... ultimately this is not the man for you or anyone else... You conscious head knows this, your heart needs to follow..... He is faking it - she is faking it too If she is not faking it, she had a hell of a lot of tears to come her way soon... Hang on in there hun. hugs to you

#10 Apr 3 - 4PM (Reply to #27)

jaycee

thanks dudette

your words are comforting, and yes i sometimes believe he is faking it, but with her, she is totally in love with him....my problem is he had no right to start and continue a relationship with someone else, and she had no right to fall in love, torture and fight to the end to get me to throw him out, so no i dont feel sorry for her past, present and hopefully future tears........as for him i know God doesnt like ugly and he will face payback more than anyone.

Jaycee

#11 Apr 3 - 4PM (Reply to #28)

dudette

Jaycee

well if she is totally in luuuuuurve with him, she's got it coming baaaaaaaaad.... Still my dear, tough gig ( as I like to say a lot) let the toad swim around his own grim pond, with other toads....urgh.... Tough shit, I would also say... not lacking empathy for Gf, just lacking sympathy right now... It's not your problem anymore... Ignore for you KNOW better than the bullshit..... Hugs x

#12 Apr 3 - 11AM

ewa

"your behavior is why im back

"your behavior is why im back with her." - Jaycee read this sentence few times, can you not see how insane it is?? Mine used to say simmilar things to me, to hurt me more and put all the blame on me. And i felt the way you feel now. But with time you will see that only psychopat can say stuff like this..normal person would never say sth like this belive me.

#13 Apr 3 - 9AM

Hunter

Jaycee

Since his D&D is going thru your head, (which my D&D still does) Evulate the words, they are words he has dished to you, Those words are really how he feels about himself. You are better than his crumbs, I promise the OW will get the same shitty treatment. While the tennis match goes on in your head, you need to try to find some peace within you. You need some kind of distraction. People think my approach is just get over, I never have said that, that doesn't happen but you need to try to refocus try to keep those thoughts for certain times of the day. Staring at that spilled glass of milk can only go on so long before it sours. It sucks ,it hurts like hell, You can not change his actions, (He is Crazy). And you don't thin this now but better her than you. go out for a walk in the air and put some music on really loud so that distracts you. Time and distance will open your eyes, you just need to get there. BE Strong and Fight it will be ok, Idealk

#14 Apr 3 - 9AM

From the Ashes

please someone talk to me, im crawling out of my own skin

You are worth more than this, Narcs don't give a fuck about anyone, you are addicted, look at yourself, look into your own heart, seek help, but stay out of it. The OW will be in the same mess soon, sounds like she has fallen for the bullshit, walk away, no, run and keep running....

#15 Apr 3 - 10AM (Reply to #20)

jaycee

thanks ashes

thanks ashes, i appreciate it, the reply helps, but i wonder will she ever truly suffer as i did, or will he turn his life around for her........who knows, lets just hope they crash and burn like they did months ago, and hope this time he gets found guilty of all charges and finally pays a consequence to his actions..........thanks again.

Jaycee

#16 Apr 3 - 3PM (Reply to #22)

dudette

turn his life around?

honestly J, why would he???? - he will not, can guarantee you that... on the subject of faking, my N dad on the surface looks like he has "turned his life around"... following his second marriage... Yeah right. There is nothing more disgusting than an old pervert shagging his way through the third world why his trophy wife and kids spend a lot of time at home lookng so happy and content.... And beautiful and content my step mom and siblings look like too... However, they probably don't know about the disease carrying poxy hookers that I had to endure when I visited him for a week last November..... They DO NOT change hun..... they get sicker as they get older...

#17 Apr 3 - 11AM (Reply to #21)

Scoop

"or will he turn his life

"or will he turn his life round for her .. who knows " i bleeding know and the answer to that is a bit fat NO he wont change his life around for her .. look at the eviedence infrount of you , she has called the cops on him already , she knows he was with you (believe me she knew )he has hardly acted like the modle man for her and this is meant to be a honeymoon period for them .... so has he changed his life for her ? NO its the same old rubbish but just with another victum . .. big hugs , youre doing ok you know , hang in there . xx

#18 Apr 3 - 7AM

helldweller

jaycee

I still have moments when I feel the same way. Hell, I still have whole DAYS when I feel the same way. He always stayed around to throw me his crumbs. But he told me the same thing at the end: "I tried so hard to make it work." This was the man who was sleeping with four other women WHEN HE MET ME and continued to juggle us all and add a couple of more for the four years we were together. I realize now that what he meant was: "I tried so hard to make you part of my harem, helldweller. Y just wouldn't play along." FUCK NO I WOULDN'T PLAY ALONG! I don't play along with bullshit and neither do you, Jaycee. That's why you are being punished now, and why I am, too. Believe me, I know the feeling of just wanting him to talk to you, to look at you, to not pretend it never happened. There were many many times when I talked to myself, too, and said, "Helldweller, just let him play around. Pretend you don't notice. Be cool." But you know what? When you HAVE self esteem you can't do it for long. When you have a sense of right and wrong you can't do it for long. These other women--they don't have either. That's why a lot of them last for a long time. But the truth is that THEY LAST BECAUSE THEY DON'T ACT UP WHEN THEY ARE CHEATED ON, PISSED ON AND LIED TO! So you see, they are better than us because they are the crap that the narc wants them to be. I know, I know, I know: you don't care. You just want him back in your life a little bit. This is what the crack addict wants too: just one hit. Or the alcholic: just one sip. It's maddening. I'm not proud of it but I've begged him to talk to me, even after finding it all out. Being human, I couldn't fathom just NOT having this person in my life after four years of being in love with him and giving everything to him. Please understand that you are normal for wanting him back, but that it is not normal to want someone like that back. Can you just try to "play" normal for awhile? That's what I've been doing. I actually pick people--real or people in movies or books--and ask myself what they would do, these strong women. Women have the power, you know. We have incredible power over men. Before I leave the house in the morning I remind myself what he did to me, and I think, "What would Jane Austen do if she met him on the way to school? Nancy Drew? Kate Winslet? Melinda Gordon (the Ghost Whisperer-LOL I'm a paranormal researcher so she's really strong and cool in my book)? I want to be one of those powerful women who makes men tremble now. If they pass muster, THEN they'll get the softness and the kisses. NOT this guy. PLease try to convince yourself that YOU dumped HIM. This is what makes me maddest of all: that he dumped ME after everything he did, and that I begged him to talk to me when I should have shook a stick at him and said, "Yeah, you BETTER cross the street!" We can't go back. For better or worse we can't go back. But even you know that going back would be the worst thing for you. TRY to pretend you like this. TRY to pretend you deserve much better and won't tolerate it anymore. Just try. :)

#19 Apr 3 - 8AM (Reply to #17)

jaycee

helldweller

helldweller thank you, i will try to pretend but it hurts so bad, i just wish i could know for sure, he will discard her again and she too will feel the pain she has been feeling for months now, but it kills me that she has him back and is as happy as can be. hes filling her head with all the things she wants, love, affection, and to know she won him back........

Jaycee

#20 Apr 3 - 11AM (Reply to #18)

Finally Faced It

Like everything else...this is about HIM!

Jaycee - I feel for you, honey. I really do. But, think of it this way...do you really want him back? The mindf*cking, the betrayal, the abuse? You know you don't want that. Once again...like every, single other thing...THIS IS ALL ABOUT HIM! This has absolutely nothing to do with you. Nothing. It's about him, not you. He is using her for HIS needs, he is using her to get what HE wants. And you know what...she WILL be left in shambles, too. And, even if she is not, then she is willing to live her entire life in denial and giving him silent approval to cheat, lie and abuse. But, Jaycee, you don't have to. You said F*CK THAT, I deserve more. And you don't have to deal with him for one more torturous moment! HE'S HER PROBLEM NOW!!! xoxoxox, FFI

#21 Apr 3 - 7AM

helldweller

jaycee

#22 Apr 3 - 7AM

sara-smile

jaycee

Oh Jaycee you sound just like me!! All I want to know is that she is going to end up just like me! She is playing house and keeping his kids and cooking and cleaning and he's got it made right now! It makes me sick! I'm working on not giving a crap what they do or if they get married or go on the cruise they keep rubbing in my face! It's really not about them anymore. Who cares what she buys him or what they do!! It's about YOU now. It's about YOUR healing. That's it. When you start letting go and working on not obsessing about THEM and focusing on you then you will feel so much better. I've been able to do it more lately and it feels great to let THEM go and work on me!! Also, we all know how she's gonna end up! JUST LIKE US! They are serial rapist in my head! They rape a soul and move on to the next. All of that garbage about keeping your mouth shut is BULLSHIT and YOU know it. He needed to BLAME you and your letting him. It's never been YOUR fault and it will NEVER be your fault. EVER! TLSM found this blog last night and I want you to go there NOW and read it. This lady will slap you in the face with reality and make you laugh while she's doing it. I LOVE IT! http://alexandranouri.wordpress.com/ I stayed up till almost 3 this morning reading it and went to bed laughing! Read it and let me know what you think! It's awesome! Hugs to you! It's NOT YOUR FAULT! Sara

#23 Apr 3 - 7AM (Reply to #13)

jaycee

sara thank you

yes, i read alexandra, i loved it.....cant laugh right now am very very distraught......see my hN is in his forties now and not quite as good looking as he was, so i think he has slim pickens now, and now that hes older, he might just stay with her forever, and not continue his old ways, i dont think this time they will end, i think now that shes willing to invest all her money in his happiness, he will stay with her and be happy..........but thank you, i wish i could say i dont blame myself......

Jaycee

#24 Apr 3 - 8AM (Reply to #14)

sara-smile

jaycee

Please don't blame yourself. PLEASE! It's not your fault! So what if he's changed (which he HAS NOT) Do you really want to be with a man who verbally abuses you and talks to you the way he does? If nothing else think about the example it's setting for your daughter. Do you want her to think this behavior is OK? I know you don't. You want what is best for HER! I know you are so depressed and I've been in your shoes and will be there again I'm sure but you are thinking about this backwards. YOU are better off. Your daughter is better off. He HAS NOT and WILL NOT change. He can't. He blames you because he can't take responsibility and you are letting him off the hook by taking the blame!! You are LETTING HIM WIN by taking the blame. The blame is HIS not YOURS! You said if you had kept your mouth shut he would have stayed......is that the way you want to live? Silent and never being able to speak your thoughts? Giving into HIM and his needs but never having yours met? I wish there was something I could say to convince you but I know the place you are in now. I've been there and it's painful and hard to get out of. You can do it Jaycee. I promise. Fight for yourself and your daughter! Take her out today to a movie or to play in the park. Focus on her and see if that helps! I am here for you and I hope things get better.

#25 Apr 3 - 5AM

ImStrong

The Crumb Snatcher

I want everyone to look at jaycee..this is why you dont go back...this is what you loose yourself...jaycee you do not care about you one little bit..you suffer from one if the lowest self esteem..hes letting you torment your own damn self hes letting you go crazy..all we here is her and him and you wanting crumbs for you and your daughter..yes your daughter is watching you and you dont care you just want a low life man crumbs from his stale bread hes giving to the ow... Everyone look at jaycee..its time to focus on you because your hiding under him and her...the crumb snatcher like you You are submiting to evil ..the darkside..for crumbs...you are saying fck my family daughter whoever..you have come to the lowest of lows..crumbs and you dont care..you dont give a damn

"In the fiery pit lays a man with two faces.One is the face of a God and the other a face of the Devil.Beware He lurks your souls.Keep one hand on your heart and the other hand over your eyes. Let him walk pass you not into you.Ghost of love will possess

#26 Apr 3 - 5AM (Reply to #10)

jaycee

im strong, you are so right

you are right i am the perfect example of why not to go back to them. look at where i am at once again, back to square one, 50 steps forward 10,000 steps backwards. im sick and so distraught once again........i need to get some serious help

Jaycee

#27 Apr 3 - 6AM (Reply to #11)

ImStrong

Im happy you saw through my

Im happy you saw through my strong words and saw the light to what your doing..a lot of women on this board havent seen things so clear like you seen through my words..i am proud of you for realizing not only your being hurt but your.innocent daughter..you are on your way to being a really strong woman..for you and your family

#28 Apr 3 - 5AM

CarolKittyGale (not verified)

Hun he has already treated

Hun he has already treated her badly...you DO NOT call the police on someone who treats you well. I have seen this happen to a friend before he use to bounce between my friend(his wife) the girlfriend and his mum. He played mind games with them all and they were all competing for his attention. It's nonsense. It is what these guys do...nice work if you can get it. Don't let him get it. Get reading again....start again with the 6 steps, it's not to late and stay away from him. You are so caught up, like my friend was. Please remove yourself from the equation, believe he will come to a sticky end and look after yourself so that you don't. (((big hug)))

#29 Apr 3 - 5AM (Reply to #7)

jaycee

carolkitty

thanks for your reply, unusual to hear the exact same thing happened to your friend, i mean the mom's thrown in as well. whatever happened to your friend? is she well now? please let me know

Jaycee

#30 Apr 4 - 1AM (Reply to #8)

CarolKittyGale (not verified)

Morning Jaycee

Morning Jaycee ((hug)) I don't think it is unusual at all. I have seen it happen a lot. It's only since coming to this site and reading and researching that I could totally understand. It's what people with PD's do. My exnarc #1 is like a boomerang amongst many and is always trying to 'go back' or hoover in his many ex's or is touching base with them to see what his options are. He is soooo text book psycho/narc. I have been split up with him for 8 years and he still chances his luck. I have gone completely NC now with the help and information at hand and a deeper understanding of PD's. He doesn't like it but hey-ho what he wants and what he gets from me and two different things. He likes to use the we were really close friends line...I just stay NC. Indifferences, or at least faining it, is the way forward for me and do you know what I actually feel indifferent now to both my PDed exes. In answer to your query about my friend she wised up after 30 years of sheer hell. She is slowly but surely sorting herself out. She is still shook up but she has peace now. He still drops by now and then but she knows what he is about now and doesn't take what he has done to her as a slight on her self. She has stopped the blaming and shaming of herself and putting herself down as she knows it was never about her and her behavior. She knows it was HIS behavior that made her crazy at times. I have tried to be there for her but in the end it all comes down to NC and working on self esteem. It is like when people have an addiction, they can never go near what their addiction was again or people that have the same addiction or anything to do with it. One thing she has said to me many times is that she wised she had walked away and got her peace a lot sooner but was so caught up in his web....but hindsight is a wonderful thing. The only way to deal with people like this is to go NC and treat them with indifference and start to look after you.

#31 Apr 3 - 5AM

agnesmurphy17

Nonsense

This is all nonsense. Everybody here says over & over that he will D&D her! Heck! SHe called the police on him once! What more proof do you need? As for buying hinm property, so he says. If it's all so grand, why is he floating between her, you & his mother's? So, if you have decided that this man is what you want. Then keep him. You regret confronting him about her recently. Well, this will blow over (as it always has). And he will be back. The next time you can keep your mouth shut & stay in the house where you belong (as he says). And to achieve that--you must disengage from her. Not care where he is going or what he is doing. Just sit in the house & wait for your man to come home. And you must accept that whether you are married or divorced-- this man will always come back to you. For a day, a week, month. Whatever length of time suits his needs. If you want this man, you have to be useful to him, accept him for what & who he is, and never question him, and NEVER NEVER ask for anything for yourself. You, my dear, for him are nothing but a doormat. So, to keep your man, as you say you want his crumbs, you must become the perfect doormat.

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