Please help I feel desperate afraid and lost

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#1 Dec 18 - 12PM
fooled no longer
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Please help I feel desperate afraid and lost

darling today i reached a new low for the first time in my life I am really afraid I cant rember ever feeling so raped so degraded so without hope as he set me up for the fall again today he suggested lunch and a walk I sgreed we have seen so little of each other in the past three weeks. then two nights ago he flung at me in a 2 second rant that he was leaving to go to America he had already told his boss yes in the second he asked. he just never thot to tell me his wife of 4 months.
so i thought today would be a discussion of jow we would manage the house finances when he goes, the end of our hopes and dreams. i was hoping for some contrite honesty or at leadt humanity.
instead he poked for every hole he could find in my armour to stick the knife in.
he refused to admit that he had suggested a walk for us to talk and resolve. he just insisted the sun was shining and he had nothing better to do, than drive an hour to meet me in a park and then having nothing to discuss.
he wanted the last word, he wanted to tell me all his behavior is perfectly ok and that he feels nothing but pleased with himself. OMG after 2 hrs of getting blood from a stone . he cold heartededly walked away leaving me in the park in sub zero temparures to find my way home wuthout my purse which he had in his pocket. i had to find money and spend one hour getting back to the apt im staying at.

he drove home I assume to go home nonchalently leaving me curled in a ball in pain in a distant park and whats the bet hes sitting in our warm home watching the soccer without a care in the world.

i really do belive now he is capable of anything and just wanted the pleasure of sticking the knife in one more time.

i am really broken i have never felt pain like this to see the inhumanity and the casual brutality of him inhuman. i cant deal with the fact that i loved this man and slept next to him for all these years. man im in a bad way!

Dec 18 - 11PM
Scotchy71
Scotchy71's picture

How sick

There really are no new lows they won't sink to...the pain is horrific and the trail of devastation they leave behind it so hard to comprehend and understand. The problem with these bottom feeders, is the behaviour is literally crazy and inhuman, that is what is so confusing for us, and the reason we will never understand the logic behind it - there is none. We try to rationalise and therefore unravel the answers regarding their behaviour, but it's totally impossible. The hardest part for me is acceptance, now that I've found it and realised, he is totally disordered, I can move on free of him and actually am wondering what I loved about him. I now realise I was in love with an image of hope and a man of my dreams..I actually told him if he was the way he is now, when I first met him, I would have run from him and that is what we must do now...RUN and never look back. Mine lives in the US too which makes disengaging from him much easier.....hang in there, you will come out of this in a much better place and with clarity and knowledge you never would believe you could possess. Read as much as you can too....one of the best books I have ever read is called..The Girl's Guide to Predators..The Games Some Men Will Play by Alison Summers. I recommend every woman on this board read this book, and the men too...it's generalised mainly towards women, but there is great advice for men spotting the signs too...xx much love to you xxx
Dec 18 - 11PM
Deidre99
Deidre99's picture

You know, in reading your

You know, in reading your post here...I can't imagine being MARRIED to a narc. I have dated them. I am so sorry for your pain. I can imagine that it is so much harder when married, to sever the ties. Please accept my prayers tonight.
Dec 18 - 4PM
Anne_
Anne_'s picture

fooled

I read all these answers from the wonderful ladies here at the board. We all know what you are going through. We have all been there. Or still are there on bad days. I think it is a good thing he will be far away from you. And of course it hurts that he has no feelings or empathy towards you. These men are empty shells. The things they do to us are just so horrible. I hope you have the courage today or tomorrow to do something nice for yourself. Maybe it is just taking a bath. Or preparing a healthy meal. Or making a walk without him. It sucks but it will get better. xoxo Anne
Dec 18 - 3PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Fooled

Oh .....Im so sorry, I bet if he punched you in the face it wouldn't hurt half as much. I know this pain, we all do. Look at it as a new begining. You deserve to be happy and free from this Narc. NARC, thats what he is. It is strange how they can not communicate. The games they play. (they really are all the same)I agree let him go to the USA. This will be the perfect oppertunity to soul searh and heal. Stay here with us. Its time to say Hello to a new you. Be Strong, You will be ok. OXOXOX Idealk
Dec 18 - 3PM
Amazed
Amazed's picture

Fooled No Longer...Stay Away,,,Listen

We have ALL been in your shoes. We know what you are going through, the depravity, the disappointment, the hurt, the shock, the despair, the mind bend, the trauma, the panic, the disbelief,,,, We have all been there. It is time for you to listen. Listen to your support here, not the N. This is what it is about. You DONT answer his calls. You don't respond to his txts. You don't look at him. You don't involve him in conversation. There is no discussing anything. There is nothing to discuss. How are you going to manage. we need to find a way. Demand what you are "owed" or his "end of the deal" I don't know your story, however I do know, if you are dealing with a true N/Psychopath (sounds like it from your post) you need to learn how to deal with it now. Yes, people get married to these fools. They fool people for years, and years, and years. I was duped for over 3 years. I wansn't the only one who was deceived, dont' forget the other woman who he was living with and gave a promise ring to. These guys can't promise anything. Period. There is no promise. None. Get books, read up, research the disorder, it will help you put it into perspective. Come here. Your recovery is important, I wish you the best.
Dec 18 - 3PM
fooled no longer
fooled no longer's picture

the Narc who stole Christmas

please excuse all the typos I made im not drunk mad or deranged im using an iphone to type all my posts and its trricky cos i type fast. i will be here all this evening, so please come by and leave me a message of hope. i dont need convincing to leave him or that hes a Narc. i know and hes gone God saw to that. but id enjoy some love and messages from the other side from those who feel better after NC and a new life. its my birthday soon on wednesday and ill be needing cheer. narc just sent at text telling me he really wanted to talk to me and hopes im at home. fuck you Arsewipe!! and and then he called, I ignored both. my phone is on silent. im staying here and waiting for your messages instead.
Dec 18 - 6PM (Reply to #12)
blueeyes
blueeyes's picture

Good Job

Always come read here before answering him! Happy Birthday, if he isn't near you he can't ruin your birthday. Read up on Narc HATING the holidays and events. It will for sure keep ya from answering that I-Phone. :)
Dec 18 - 5PM (Reply to #11)
Jean
Jean's picture

He is moving to another country?

I guess the message of hope then is: he will be far away. It will make NC easier, and that is what you need because clearly he is a heartless, emotionally vapid bloodsucking son-of-a-bitch. My experience so far is that this healing process takes time. Also, exercise and staying busy is helpful. Even small things to keep your mind from spinning around. Nice job ignoring his calls.
Dec 18 - 3PM (Reply to #10)
Used
Used's picture

fooled nolonger

i am so sorry you feel so low. i can try to give you some hope per my life now, after narcs. i said early i have changed but its in a subtle way, i think, on seeing exn in the week and same day exnwf, then getting home and recieving a xmas card from mynm then a message from exh, all in one week, last year,or even 6months ago that would have knocked me for 6. these events [all 4of them havent touched me], in fact i even thought yesterday, is it going to be delayed action] well i am still ok. and this is why, i went nc and stayed nc... i remember seeing exn in summer and thinking oh no, as he was trying to crawl back, i walked away within an hour i had put it out of my mind. if you have to still sort out things with your ex, could you ask someone else to do it... i read your story already, but didnt see you had parted is there noway you can keep nc... no more meetings in parks letting him upset you, can you not do it by email. i didnt even relise what a terrible affect the narcs had on me until now... without them in my life makes me relise ,why?, so many times i didnt want to be in this world.. good luck and god willing you will be writing this way one day
Dec 18 - 3PM (Reply to #8)
loveofmylife
loveofmylife's picture

hey

just ignore, ignore, ignore...he had his chance. I am 5 months past the final D&D; there are about 5 efforts of hoovering on his part after that and I shut him down as soon as possible. He treated me like s*it in that final D&D and did not even allow me to call him and bring closure to our relationshiop He sensed I was "dumping him" and refused to answer my phone calls, did not want to talk and then spouted all of the Narcspeak crazy man stuff....of course blaming everything on me (when I was not blaming) and saying awful, horrible things... then one month later calls me like nothing happened, all happy as can be and just wanted to talk. Can you say brain damaged? Anyway, I am happy to report to you that I was in severe pain for about 1 - 2 months, crying every day, so confused, wondering did I make the right decision? I still cry, but in the last month, maybe only 1/week, instead of hours/day. Well, I now notice that the fog and the brainwashing are gone. And I now see him as a deeply disturbed/damaged individual - that he treated me, who only gave him unconditional love and kept him employed for years - the way he did. And I am left to wonder "why did I allow him to use me and manipulate me for so long after I realized what he was?". It is incredible what we put up with. So there is hope. The fog and the brainwashing will lift and you'll wonder how you ever got to this place in your relationship with him. But the only way for it to lift is to ignore, ignore, ignore. As long as he has access to manipulate you and gaslight you and mindf*ck you (which is super fun for a Narc), you won't start healing. So put everything on ignore from him and just read here to pass the time and stay strong. Merry Christmas and Happy Birthday! x0x0x0x0
Dec 19 - 9AM (Reply to #9)
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

TO loveofmylife

Wow! You have come a long way! I remember when you were struggling to leave this man. It is a fog lifting. That's why it's called "the web of the narcissist." Amazing how one is drawn into an emotional web of sorts. Hardly know if one is coming or going. Once out of the web, one wonders how did this all happen? It is so difficult. But somehow easier than being caught in the web.
Dec 18 - 2PM
fooled no longer
fooled no longer's picture

hankyou for your messages

hankyou for your messages There is no discussion hes out has been for tha last few months read my story, I just need to identify with what othets have experienced for tonight im sticking on this station
Dec 18 - 2PM (Reply to #6)
Used
Used's picture

foolednolonger

i hope you do stay here, my freind said today, you have changed this last months. without any hesitation i said its because i am away from the narcs. i hope you feel better soon. xxxxx
Dec 18 - 1PM
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

Broken

Oh dear! I am so sorry. I know how you feel. The man is a monster. He just doesn't care. It's all about power, control & inflicting pain. It's evil. And, I am sure, he let you know everything is your fault? These men just cause such depression & despair. One must stay away from them. Everytime, every contact, after it's over is just worse & worse because they have no reason to be nice because there is nothing for them to extract from you anymore. The end is when the true colors come out. They can be so BRUTAL & without any feeling. Mine actually spit on me & then tried to act as if it was ok & I was over reacting! Him saying spitting is not a bad thing & that I was mistaken that it was a symbol of contempt. Me. Crazy, stupid me. And it is so devastating in the end to learn that all was for nothing. (This all reminds me of Leah2 who was in NYC. Whatever happened to her? She was so devastated when she found out that her beloved husband had a new woman. That he had lied about there being somebody else. Then she disappeared. Does anybody know? I often wonder if she is ok.) Do not be alone. Find friends. You are more important than this jerk. It will take time. But it will get better.
Dec 18 - 12PM
apple
apple's picture

Fooled NO LONGER!

Sweet heart, you are such a strong amazing womam. You need to remember that right now. You need to find whatever strength you can muster and go NC. If he wants to go to the states let him. This could be what you have been waiting for. You must KNOW that you deserve better than this. Right?!!! You have so many people that love you and your beautiful children. Do it for them!!! You wouldn't allow any of your friends or family to be treated this way. Right?!!! I want to help you so badly but I don't know how. Please be strong and get off the merry go round. You know who he is.
Dec 18 - 1PM (Reply to #2)
fooled no longer
fooled no longer's picture

It is over for me I know

It is over for me I know that i just hoped he could just give our relationship the respect it deserves. or even me the minimum of respect. I dont have any doubt that God has removed him. im not in hopeful thinking at all I just have no way to deal with the pain of self betrayal I feel in letting him talk me into this day to sort out whatever and then gaslighting and stabbing me in the heart and leaving. dont I deserve some dignity? its my emotions that are so broken its so complicated my resudency here my earning potential all tied in with this. i will and can deal with his absence forever but I need to pick up one piece of wood to float away with so I can suvive and not drown. im in my apart now hes not with me. xmas and my birthday have been destroyed and hes happy to cause this destruction. Im sad not angry id rather be angry right now.
Dec 18 - 1PM (Reply to #3)
Used
Used's picture

foolednolonger

m sad not angry id rather be angry right now. it will come, and when it does you will given so hope to move on from him. after the depressions, and sadness with myexh, came the anger, and i looked at him one day..i said i want you out, he saw in my eyes, my body langauge, my whole demeanour, i was done. HE knew it and got out....it was the anger that propeled me to get him out.... they destroy everything.