Please help, I am overwhelmed

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#1 Oct 14 - 8PM

malloryforest

Please help, I am overwhelmed

Please, I need support with this one. After I confront STBXH about the photos he showed to son, he sent me this email. I am so angry about this email. He wants to be an effective co-parent after all that he has done to me and the kids. I tried to be a good co-parent no matter what he had done, but the pictures is the ultimate line that I draw. I really need your feedback!!!!!!! I will not respond to him.

"Mallory,

I really cannot begin to respond to this in any kind of positive way. Where is the good in another litany about how evil I am? I have heard it written and said pretty non-stop for about 16 months. And from my perspective, the message of my worthlessness and your judgement started when YOU chose to be angry in 2006, when YOU stopped communicating your feelings, when YOU pushed so hard for a baby when I was not ready, when YOU turned your flannel back to me night after night, when YOU chose to ignore my pleas to sleep naked, dress sexier, be nicer, deal with your anger, blahblahblah.

This accomplishes nothing. You have to accept responsibility for your choices. I am no more evil than you. Of course I made mistakes! Of course I struggled endlessly with my feelings! I am not happy with what has happened. But facing the facts is how we move forward. We BOTH screwed up our marriage. I CHOSE to end it. ugly and painful and complicated-- yes.

but that choice does NOT change my deep love for the kids. nor does it change the fact that they will be part of my life too, wherever that is, and whomever is part of it.

I ask you to please join me in the following pledge:
We will work to put the past behind us. We will communicate as co-parents proactively. We will plan TOGETHER, without anger, how to best give kids what they need, while recognizing that my life includes gf and her kids (and note--I had no intention or desire to freak him out by letting him see my photos). and making extra effort as the holidays roll in to include my mom (who you have cut off completely).

I WILL work with you on all of this--but I will not let you dictate to me. the choices are not all yours. we are facing a potentially tough time. jobs ain't jumping my way. i still have hope, and great top people looking out for me. but the media world is in free fall, believe me, i am working the angles hard--i don't want the kids to face any big changes. but we need to work together as parents to manage the future.

can you agree to stop vilifying me and work together for the kids?"

#2 Oct 16 - 7AM

Scoop

What a dick splash . This

What a dick splash . This letter made my skin crawl , i think you need a medal having to handle all this .The tone of the letter is sooo patronizing .How dare he accuse you of not sleeping naked with him and then go on to mention OW , it really highlights the way they see people as objects . Sick Sick Sick . Big Love "The sisters united will never be defeated " Peru x

#3 Oct 15 - 8PM

grossot

mallory..i just have To add

My N constantly says to me we need To work on a parenting plan: 1)We have one -its just not whaÃ¾ he wants 2) I showed the evaluating psychologist the emails that said, 'if you do not agree to a parenting plan...blahblah' The dr. Said 'you don't even have that ability to come up with a parenting plan' this is coming from a court appointed psychologist who deals with custody all the time. So Mallory, your N is in lala land thinking you two can co-parent without the intervention of a judge- he has made that impossible. If you have to respond in the future bc of the children say'let the judge handle that' They don't like not being the judge. ~Give a Narc an inch and they become the ruler~ nolongercontrolled

http://hubpages.com/hub/Married-to-a-Narcissist?preview

nolongercontrolled

#4 Oct 15 - 9PM (Reply to #25)

malloryforest

interesting advice

You are right, they make it impossible to come up with a parenting plan. In fact, I have followed his ideas of what he stated he wanted. He can call whenever he wants. I will give him a kid update every couple of days. He can visit kids every three to four weeks. I have not in anyway broken that plan. It was his plan, and if he doesn't like it...tough. He wants to talk to me a couple of times a week about the kids. I will not talk to him about anything. All communication about kids has to be done through email, so that I have a record of everything he tries to pull on me. Anything outside of the kids needs to go through my lawyer. He has proven himself to be way to abusive to have a parenting plan not established by psychologists, lawyers and judges.

#5 Oct 15 - 7PM

Bewildered (not verified)

WOW Mallory!!!

Thank you for sharing that email. Good grief, sounds like numerous emails I received at the end. Even his choice of words in all CAPS. Unbelievable! I'm new here, but one thing I have learned is that ANYTHING I say to him he uses against me as though it were an original thought! So, I say nothing to him. I want to! There are times I fantasize about letting him have it with just how sick, twisted and empty he is. He actually thinks he has a special relationship with God! But, I say nothing. I refuse to educate him so he can use his new knowledge against another victim or me. When I was speaking to him at the end, I kept it light and superficial. I kept a smile on my face while talking with him and guess what? He emailed the next day berating me for being "superficial and secretive" and not caring about him or us. By that time there was NO "US"! The advice on this forum about the legal issues is good advise. Stay very calm and always appear reasonable and balanced. Never get emotional during the legal proceedings. Be dignified and keep soft thoughts about your children in your mind so it will reflect on your face. Don't let him or his attorney make you emotional. You can do it! You lived with the slime and got away from him. You can do it, and you & your kids will be so much better for it. I will keep you in my prayers. That's a promise.

#6 Oct 15 - 9AM

Ellen

Hi

Hi Mallory, All i feel is confused and sick when i read this cos it is just like my ex coming through. I can't even begin to figure it out cos i don't know your circumstances but i know that i feel controlled by reading it. It makes my self doubt kick in and i just feel generally shitty.

#7 Oct 14 - 9PM

malloryforest

Thank you

Thanks to all of you. My guard is back up and I won't blast him any response. I will have no contact and I will let the lawyer know that I will no longer have any contact with him. Thank you all so much. I just don't know what I would do without all of your support.

#8 Oct 14 - 10PM (Reply to #19)

Lisa E. Scott

Good for you, Mallory

Your ex is a raging narcissist and it amazes me how well you deal with him. Good for you, I say. You are inspiring to all of us. Big Hugs, Lisa

#9 Oct 15 - 8PM (Reply to #20)

Barbara (not verified)

Lisa

this particular one's a flaming SOCIOPATH. Trust me. He is.

#10 Oct 15 - 8PM (Reply to #21)

malloryforest

Thank you

Thank you for the sociopath label. He is making my skin crawl because all of a sudden he is trying to act like the good dad, who only wants to co-parent, and I am the angry wife who doesn't know how to co-parent. He is such a sick creep who should have no accesss to his children.

#11 Oct 14 - 9PM

cupcake (not verified)

grossot!

Grossot! Because I am in an angry mood with what my N has done to me today I have to say I love your post you just wrote! I'm laughing so hard right now, thanks for making me smile for the first time today! Wow mallory - everyone is getting fired up and it's good! We are here with you!

#12 Oct 14 - 9PM

cupcake (not verified)

Hey Mallory

Wow that is really tricky. I don't know how to help with this one...guys? How can she go no contact with the kids and with what he is doing? you must be going through so much right now. I really don't know what to say to this one - hope you are doing ok though, I would be so overwhelmed in your situation. Big hugs for you Mallory...that's all I can give! love Cupcake

#13 Oct 14 - 9PM

malloryforest

No Contact

I totally understand and agree with no contact. Here is the problem that I face. When I am totally no contact, ex starts threatening me with parental alienation. He demands that I give him an update every other day. He demands that I send him pictures even though he puts them on face book. If I don't respond, then he states that I am not being a supportive coparent and that he can fight to get the kids back in his state. I feel like I have to have contact just to protect my ass.

#14 Oct 14 - 10PM (Reply to #15)

Barbara (not verified)

MALLORY!!!

MAKE your attorney send the pictures, along with a caveat that he is NOT to put them on his Facebook or online anywhere. YOUR ATTORNEY SHOULD BE PROTECTING YOUR ASS!!!!!!!!!!!! Who CARES what else he says??? Forward to your attorney. BUSINESS ONLY. He's pressuring and threatening you to hurt you. NO CONTACT ~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Pathologicals only discard the best, most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth!" - A.V.

#15 Oct 14 - 9PM (Reply to #14)

4joys (not verified)

HE demands? What does the

HE demands? What does the court say? I doubt the court agreed to an update every other day with photos. Dont let him put you through hoops. Go through the court. Tell your lawyer you dont want your childrens photos on the internet.

#16 Oct 14 - 9PM

cupcake (not verified)

Delighted?

Delighted to hear we are angry and hurt and upset? FREAKS! My goodness. I spoke with Cynth and baddream about our indifference and not caring makes them crazy. but as soon as WE have a need they turn their backs. Yet they like to know they can hurt us and we are angry and upset? FREAKS! Oh Mallory the amount of times he used the words I and ME as poor me and YOU as it's all your fault. That e-mail was all about him but I would have felt sick reading that too. I'm in an angry mood today! I had therapy yesterday which was great but I'm starting to feel...anger. NO CONTACT ROCKS BARBARA & CYNTHIA! We all have to do it, it's the ONLY WAY to get our life back!

#17 Oct 14 - 9PM (Reply to #12)

Barbara (not verified)

delighted - yes - THEY LOVE IT!

http://narc-attack.blogspot.com/2007/07/hurting-you-isnt-something-narcissists.html ~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Pathologicals only discard the best, most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth!" - A.V.

#18 Oct 14 - 8PM

4joys (not verified)

They dont like to be called

They dont like to be called on their behavior do they? My N couldnt stand it. He used to say the same thing. "Here we go again! Tell me how bad I am! There's no pleasing you!" He would use anger to shut me up, and so that he could continue his crap in peace. I really dont like his first paragraph. It's all about blaming YOU. Then after he cuts you down he asked you to make a peaceful pledge with him! He needs you to stop calling him on his behavior so he can go into fantasyland with his new gf and her kids. He is working on her now with his mask tightly in place and she needs to see what a wonderful father he is. He is putting off that he is the mature level headed one and you are the troubled one. His choices were ugly painful and complicated, huh? But not for HIM! (asshole!)Isnt it too late to say that he doesnt want to put your children through big changes? Then he actually writes out the pledge!! Like he knows what is healthy for children! This guy really ticks me off. I may not have helped you Mallory because I am angry at this too. Lets see what insight other members come up with.

#19 Oct 14 - 8PM

Fawn

delete from your computer and your brain

Mallory--delete delete delete. Why are you still communicating with this complete jerk? He is still blaming you for the end of the marriage and is telling you that you have to accept his gf. He is delusional and you are only giving him an audience. Do your own thing, raise your kids, and proceed with the divorce. Try to take care of yourself, and when you can't, make sure that your attorney is looking out for you because the man you were married to is slime. You can't control what he does on his own time in his own life, but you need to make sure that you are documenting every single thing he does to your children that is completely inappropriate and confusing for them.

#20 Oct 15 - 9AM (Reply to #9)

Susan31 (not verified)

Dont delete

It's evidence. Very measurable. NEVER delete evidence.

#21 Oct 14 - 9PM (Reply to #8)

grossot

hear me out mallory

This is IMHO: Ok. I know you're really upset right now as you have reason to be. But I just have to say: DID YOU EVEN READ MY RESPONSE TO YOUR LAST POST? Only other victims of Narc's know what to do (somewhat) when they have 'behaviors' So what can you do when your STBXPH shows your 5 year old son pictures of his gf in an attempt to expose his own ignorance, lack of a filter, and single handedly cause your precious child to need a therapist? The answer, as it is in most cases, is: NO CONTACT!!!!! You may be saying to yourself, but this is my child, I have to do protect him/her. I am all (s)he has and if I don't take a stand, I am not being the best mom I can be for my child." Mallory- you are still thinking about your N as a normal rational human being. He is none of these things. You cannot speak rationally to an irrational person. So what now? Don't talk to N. Print off the email to have a hard copy for future reference. Do not delete. Do not respond. Take care of your son. You are doing all the right things. You have your son in therapy. You are documenting. You are loving your children. Continue being the mom you have been. Don't let N make you feel like less of a person/parent. His email is all backwards talk and projection. Let your son know that mommy loves him with all her heart. And that he is smart and brave and he can talk to you about anything. Provide structure and consistency when he is with you. This is what your son is gravitating towards. Instead of showing your children that someone else is important to you (like your N is doing) show them, as you do, that your children are the most important things to you. They get it. Write yourself a letter stating the truth: YOU did not cause the fall of your marriage; YOU are an excellent co-parent, etc... Breathe... PRAY. Pray that your children favor you as their parent. Do not answer that bumbling, idiot NARC. Tell your lawyers and therapists casually after they ask "I just asked him not to confuse (child) by doing these things". Show them YOU ARE THE REASONABLE ONE! ((((Hugs))))) ~Give a Narc an inch and they become the ruler~ nolongercontrolled

http://hubpages.com/hub/Married-to-a-Narcissist?preview

nolongercontrolled

#22 Oct 14 - 8PM (Reply to #2)

malloryforest

sole custody.

I want sole custody. I want limited visitation with supervision. I do not trust this man with the emotional health of the children. He is so destructive.

#23 Oct 14 - 9PM (Reply to #7)

grossot

Get it, Mallory! Take back

Get it, Mallory! Take back your life. And no - you do not have to do as he demands!!! You make the rules! You got that? Do NOT respond to this email. Parental alientation my ass! What about confusing his own child to the point of needing therapy. Ass-wipe. Print off that email and wipe your ass with it. That's what its worth. ~Give a Narc an inch and they become the ruler~ nolongercontrolled

http://hubpages.com/hub/Married-to-a-Narcissist?preview

nolongercontrolled

#24 Oct 14 - 9PM (Reply to #3)

Barbara (not verified)

mallory

Why are you still communicating with this complete jerk? He is still blaming you for the end of the marriage and is telling you that you have to accept his gf. He is delusional and you are only giving him an audience EXACTLY!! This is what telling him off about the pictures did. Do you see now that even venting your RIGHTEOUS anger at this sociopath gets turned back on you! count the times he used the words I and ME in that nonsense and waste of bandwidth. http://allabouthim.com/the-narcissists-rages/ He would be DELIGHTED to hear you are angry & overwhelmed. You'd make him SOOOOO HAPPY!! so..... NO CONTACT!! NO CONTACT!! NO CONTACT!!!! (did I mention NO CONTACT!!!!!!!!!!) SUPERVISED & LIMITED VISITATION! this is UNACCEPTABLE! ~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Pathologicals only discard the best, most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth!" - A.V.

#25 Oct 14 - 9PM (Reply to #4)

quietude (not verified)

mallory

Oh man! Okay, you messed up by blasting him with that e-mail. Right now, he's doing the happy dance, he knows he got to you. Now, please no more if you are going to keep a strong case against him. You have to make it very clear to a judge that you are fearful of this man, for your sake and your kids. Give the impression that contact with him is unbearable (which honestly, it IS.) Not to scare you, but if you're writing e-mails back and forth, good or bad, they may not look at it as such. F*** him, what he says, or what he threatens. Have your lawyer do something about getting him to stop the treat of this parental alienation BS. Put your armor on and get TOUGH and fight. You can do this.

#26 Oct 15 - 8AM (Reply to #5)

Susan31 (not verified)

My God :O

I could have fainted while reading through his letter. Mallory my first Q. was are you in Australia because if you were I am CONVINCED the writer is my N too. Very VERY similar. (I then noted 'mom', not 'mum' so now assume you are American)? God you poor thing - the vengeful, smug, condescending, no more devine than thee attitude is cringeworthy. My N writes and speaks identically. And what's the reference regarding Media? Mine 'says' he's a big-shot in the Media selling Industry - "Managing Director Media Strategist, Seller & Planner". Interesting this so-called business (quote- "I own several businesses actually"..) Current said business is not listed nor known of. Sounds like BS to me. What a surprise. So Mallory- 2 q's. Sorry if I am asking u to repeat yourself. What photo's does he reference? And what was your response? God they are so apt at being Ever The Victim arent they? Do you live with constant anguish? -Susan 'What does it profit a man if he gain the whole world and yet lose his soul?' -Oscar Wilde

#27 Oct 15 - 1PM (Reply to #6)

malloryforest

photos

They are photos og his gf and of his gf's children. My response is furious because my son is having a very hard time since his father direspected his son's emotional boundaries. I am American, but would like to send my ex to Australia. No. Not constant anguish. The more he is out of my life, the more healing takes place.

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