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playing the revenge game with him

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#1 Jul 18 - 6PM
whoknew
whoknew's picture

playing the revenge game with him

lots of random thoughts today. mostly wishing i knew how he feels/felt. wanting alot of answers today that i know i will never get.
he told me that i always play the victim role when i tried to tell him how his actions hurt me. he always said...you act like you have never hurt me!
i hate that he has never understood where i was coming from.
i had a big problem with wanting revenge in our relationship. i always wanted to do something to hurt him as much as he hurt me hoping that it would wake him up. it never worked but only gave him more of an excuse to do all the terrible things he did.
what does that say about me?
i know that he looks at my fb. i posted pics of a man on there and changed my status to engaged hoping to hurt him even now. i want him to think that i am not hurt or phased by anything he has done and that i have moved on too. why do i do things like this?
i get into these moods like i dont care and dont want to play games but then i do it. i feel childish for acting that way but then im like screw it, i hope it does hurt him, and then i go to feeling guilty....crazy, vicious cirlce.
thoughts???

Jul 18 - 7PM
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Interesting route of revenge

Flaunting a fake "engaged" status is MUCH better than a "My Ex is a MEANIE!" post. Your'e being mean, but in such an underhanded way. You can even say with a self-satisfied smile, "See? I'm moving on." "I want him to think I am not hurt"-VERY important. I had to fake the happy act as the ex-Psych prof flaunted his girlfriend. I'd go back to my dorm&weep... but it was ESSENTIAL that he NOT see my tears, so he could write me off as some crazy, obsessed student. Being HAPPY is the BEST revenge. I like what you did. Believe me, it's something I would have done. It shows your bravery. After the final D&D, I DID date an older man (he was even older than the ex-P)... too bad I wasn't able to rub it in the ex-P's face! When I realized that MY HAPPINESS was the best revenge, that seeing me happy inflicted Narcissistic injuries far more than my anger or hurt could (those turned him on, he was sadistic, he LIKED seeing me cry)... I wielded it. You have to learn to STOP feeling guilty. He's projected so much of HIS guilt&shame onto you, you're swallowing it up, and it's eating you alive. You shouldn't feel guilty for wanting to hurt him;it's natural. Feel it. What you did was within bounds. It's not illegal. Ns/Ps want us to PINE, LONG for them, to be in tears/crazy/suicidal for them. You did the RIGHT THING. Do NOT feel guilty! I wouldn't. If I did what you did, I'd be doing a happy dance. And pour myself some champagne.
Jul 18 - 6PM
Brooke1
Brooke1's picture

whoknew

i get these feelings too. Its very tempting for me to call and vent my anger on him, or other things.But ive decided to be decent to him because i know its not possible to hurt him without hurting myself.Im grateful for the times when im able to shed tears, if im by myself. Because really,our anger is pain. I think you are like me, in that our guilt adds to our pain if we're hurtful to them, so i figure i'll regret being mean, more than the other route.