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To play a narc is the easiest thing in the world if...

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#1 Jul 29 - 3PM
faith999
faith999's picture

To play a narc is the easiest thing in the world if...

you want to lose your soul.I should know I did it. I've been a member a long time and a reader long before that and have been with my narc most of that time. Why? Because I gave him what he needed.I will remain vague as this is an open forum and privacy is a concern for me.
He had three basic needs in a relationship,a highly attractive woman(show piece),fun,and wild crazy never ending sex. I filled all three for more years than I would like to remember.
No,I wasn't a pushover nor did I engage in the deviant behavior he begged me for. I just made him believe it was a possibility. It became a never ending game for him to see how far I would go.He was forever grooming me(you are so hot,you are the best lover I have ever had,your p is beautiful etc) I knew exactly what he was doing but NEVER let on. He was a master at giving a woman exactly what she longed for. The sex was the kind I longed for and here it was in a beautiful sexy package all for the taking. In the sex addict post many of you have described the mind blowing sex. It is seduction at its ultimate. Years later it only got better. It was a highly passionate (toxic)relationship. He was never abusive,although he raged from time to time. He always built me up. We also had long conversations and spent as much time together as possible. JACKPOT!!Perfact ha? Nope..always a game. An exhausting anxiety filled game and in the end I had lost myself.
To sum this up in the end he left ME.I pushed him to do it. In the end we were better in every way than we had ever been. But I couldn't trust it.I became everything that I despised.A history of way too many D&D's(he would never leave me -always made me break up with him),too many lies and the reality that the man I loved would never ever be able to love me back.He was INCAPABLE of becoming vulnerable to me. That would mean loss of power and control. His famous line when we had problems was this"I'll get another one that looks just like you" I think I'll end with that. Don't ever play the game ladies!

Jul 30 - 3AM
janine
janine's picture

playing the N

Yes, playing a N is easy. I've done it for nearly 12 years. To me it has been worth it, I don't regret it, but then I never regarded him as a partner to live with. I did and do love him though, I'm just realistic. Mine would not have left, so I had to do it. Tough. He was not openly abusive either. I know he raged with his kids sometimes, never with me. He was too afraid I'd walk out. But the passive aggression was always there. Even though I knew how to deal with it, it was bad. So was the amount and sort of women he had for variety. I guess you are feeling the same mixture of relief and longing as those of us do that had a highly passionate relationship. Let's pat each other on the shoulder that we managed to give that up and hope we'll get over them eventually.
Jul 30 - 6AM (Reply to #8)
faith999
faith999's picture

Twelve years Janine

is a very long time. I too never regarded him as a partner to live with and I loved him,and still do, but was realistic as well. I found it so interesting that you wrote that you do not regret it.I was going to write that in my post but felt that that no one on this site would be able to relate to it and it seemed,and is I suppose,so contradictory. Then again I feel my whole relationship was a series of contradictions. It was heaven and hell,more freedom than I have ever known but also a prison,sexually freeing and passionate but toxic,some of my greatest joys in life and my deepest pain. Such is the relationship with a narcissist.
Jul 29 - 8PM
tresor2
tresor2's picture

Never Abusive

Excellent post...thanks. You said, "he was never abusive" which is unusual for a N. When the mask starts to crack, there's usually some indication; a remark, a look, a slip...I can imagine that this must have been an extremely difficult relationship to end because there was a lot of good, at least at some level. Covert abuse can be subtle and slow but, the damage is immense. Obviously, just the fact that he was incapable of being vulnerable and could not love is abusive and painful. I too played the game for years and lost my soul. N's are no wins.
Jul 29 - 10PM (Reply to #6)
faith999
faith999's picture

Thank you tresor2

Sometimes just a few words can make a difference for a person and yours did just that for me. Thank you for acknowledging the complexity and difficulty the ending of this relationship has been for me.
Jul 29 - 8PM
Arwen
Arwen's picture

I am curious...were there

I am curious...were there other women?
Jul 29 - 10PM (Reply to #3)
faith999
faith999's picture

Other women?

Yes Arwen there were other women. It was like clockwork every year and around the same time of year. I would notice a slight shift in attitude,a slight distance. There were no significant clues but I would always know that he had a new interest.He never admitted it and I would break up with him and so it went. Then he would claim he met the woman after I broke up with him.One time we were walking to have dinner and he stopped and he was watching me walk. I asked him what was up and he said he could not believe how tall I was and how long my legs were. This was three years in mind you.I said "You're just noticing my height and legs after all these years?" He claimed he was just admiring these things. Come to find out his new supply was a very petite woman. You just have to laugh at it sometimes! By the way I always read your posts and love your energy.
Jul 30 - 12AM (Reply to #4)
Arwen
Arwen's picture

Faith thank you...I love your

Faith thank you...I love your energy too and I was so captivated by this post you left. It was so clear, so vibrant in your convictions about what you had consciously put up with and the state you are in now in the aftermath of all of this. So he diverted your attention away from the petite woman by flattering you. Or at least he thought he was diverting your attention. It sounds so random that you must have immediately smelled cheating in the air...I know I would have. They really are just looking for supply that will put up with them...in the end that's all they can hope for I think. I'm sure your beautiful long legs and height are going to make someone very happy one day but also your love of life. Enough of these assholes. I'm sorry for what you're going through just as I am for all of us. Oy vey.
Jul 29 - 8PM
Arwen
Arwen's picture

Wow. I have been just where

Wow. I have been just where you are describing. What a great post!!! Thank you for posting it even in your fear and that is a fear I relate to as well. Regarding the physical beauty, I felt that I could simply not keep up with the demands he put on me and others in that regard. You had to be perfect. He would tell me I was perfect, and would insult other women to me in my ear if they had a hair out of place. I knew that he had to be seeing me that way as well ultimately. It was SO shallow, SO SO SO FREAKING SHALLOW. OMG I am so angry and so thankful you wrote this post G-d bless you. He could never love ME because he couldn't KNOW me!! We have to be loved for what is inside of us...it's so important. Beauty fades, we have kids, we become quickly imperfect, we do things to ourselves and our bodies to please them without for a moment thinking of what it might mean to our own health. FUCK THESE NARCS and thank you thank you. p.s. and by the way, at the end he did start to insult things about me that were previously "perfect".