Plateau in Healing or Step Backwards?

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#1 Jun 27 - 7AM
Lobo555
Lobo555's picture

Plateau in Healing or Step Backwards?

I seem to have reached a plateau in healing. Or maybe I'm going backwards?

I know CharlieSheenWinning is bad for me and that his quickie marriage to NewWinningWife won't last -- or if it does, it will be terminally f'd up. He married her after only knowing her for 3 weeks, so how can that be good?

What I'm finding now is time has taken the edge off the abuse and now I'm missing my friend. I thought we were friends, but since I broke things off and he got together with NWW literally *the day after*, he hasn't contacted me. I might as well be dead as far as he's concerned and that hurts.

It's been a little over 3 months of NC. I don't intend to break that -- but I wonder if I'm healing (letting go of anger and hurt) or if I'm going backwards.

This whole process is confusing as hell.

Jun 28 - 6AM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

LOBO

You are doing great, 3 months is only the beginning, I still miss my friend ( I thought he was my friend) But what friend does what these idiots do? Talk to your real friends, and notice the difference. Hunter
Jun 28 - 6AM (Reply to #25)
Lobo555
Lobo555's picture

The difference is my *real*

The difference is my *real* friends don't do things to hurt me on purpose! :) That's my new mantra: People who are capable of real love don't hurt other people on purpose. I've been surrounding myself with positive people and good friends -- both old and new. It's been enlightening and refreshing. I still miss my good times with CharlieSheenWinning, though. Mostly the laughs, because the guy really was funny as hell. I think it's just grieving. I can't let go of someone as easily as he can.
Jun 28 - 1AM
Puzzle
Puzzle's picture

It is such a huge thing to

It is such a huge thing to move on from, 3 months is not long. I think we need to cut ourselves some slack. Mine has only been 6 weeks and I think sometimes I expect far too much of myself. Some days I want to cry and miss him and want him back and my old life...but then others I am fine. I find when I am busy I am better for it. It is such a roller coaster. As soon as you think you are making progress the next day you feel like you are back at square one. I think it is particularly hard after a bad day, or when out and realise everyone is a couple, or just wanting someone to talk to. There will be really bad days, ok days and good days and I think it will carry on like that for a while. I don't think we will feel all good and over it for some time.
Jun 27 - 1PM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

This process does not follow an ascending order

we vascillate we may move forward but take a few steps back and it pretty much goes like this then I think there is a plateau but it's further down the road. They say it takes about 18 months to fully recover. Three months is still pretty early. Hugs!
Jun 27 - 8AM
janine
janine's picture

missing a friend

Yes, apart from the sensual relationship that's what I miss most. Not so much a friend in the emotional meaning, because Narcs cannot possibly be that even when trying. I miss my buddy for sports. The mate who shared my adventures with me and was always on call. I've never had someone like this before, weep..... Of course your guy's marriage will not work out. In addition to being a Narc he's brought the emotional baggage of your relationship into it. Confused as we may be at least we are not trying to avoid our issues. Stay strong.
Jun 27 - 8AM (Reply to #14)
Lobo555
Lobo555's picture

Could he really have baggage

Could he really have baggage from whatever it was we had? I feel like I meant nothing to him because he was able to move on so quickly. I might as well have been a pair of socks with holes in them that he had to toss out.
Jun 27 - 3PM (Reply to #16)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Lobo - don't get excited...the baggage isn't what it appears.

The thing is these Narcs even in therapy exploit the damn therapist...whatever comes from their mouth is bullcrap... "Baggage" yea right! There is no baggage what there is and better said is a victim to blame for theier f-uptedness...it's isn't baggage like you're thinking you really did have no effect on him like anyone else will because he is the perpetual victim who needs to abuse others to get his self esteem and false sense of power. He is a user and a manipulator. He has a brain, it's gray matter all blank and focused on self - and PREDATORY in nature, please don't think there is one millionth of an ounce of actual awareness or "baggage" when it comes to a narc. I don't think this was Janine's point but rather to say, now this is in the middle of his bullcrap with his wife...a tool for triangulation whether he shares with her or not... Do yourself a favor, if you know the facts already, stop trying to figure HIM out, figure YOU out. Hugs!
Jun 27 - 3PM (Reply to #17)
janine
janine's picture

michele

Would you please explain what you mean by the Narc having no emotional baggage? Sorry if I don't quite get it, English isn't my native language. What I've been trying to say is exactly what my Narc's therapist told me. He specialises in treating NPD and has had 20 years of experience. If anyone goes from one partner to the next right away, he is bound to have emotional baggage. Even "normal" people do that sometimes to avoid the pain of dealing with their problems. It is not healthy and with the Narc it's even worse while typical. As I said to Lobo and as we all know, they blame others and do not feel responsible. They will not work on it. The baggage as such though is there, and with the many partners they have had, it adds up. All that is brought into the new relationship and gets taken out on the new partner, so any relationship is doomed.
Jun 27 - 4PM (Reply to #18)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

The original baggage

More than likely came from childhood and their victims pay for the original offense. The narc does not attach to his victims, hence there is no baggage the victim was supply to carry out his rage and aggression at the original offenders more than likely parents. The Baggage theory might apply to a borderline or bi-polar individual, they do feel and attach but they get caught up in a push pull. While it is a sad state of affairs, the "baggage" is not true baggage....when it is in reference to a victim. Narcs are about supply and people are objects. Their feelsing run as deep as our feelings run for say a toaster. At one point before this disorder blossomed, yes they had "feelings" but they are so cut off from them, those feelings are no longer there. There are two feelings with a Narc: RAGE and SELF PITY. No more, no less. Those are not my facts, but the facts of professionals as well which is why the majority of the psyciatric profession washes their hands of them. Not saying this is the moral thing but it is what we as victims are up against. You referenced a point about cycling rapidly into a new relationship and said EVEN NORMAL People have baggage. The distinction here is we're not talking normal, we are talking severely disordered possibly in psychopathic proprotions. Two different issues all together that CANNOT be compared. See: http://www.healthyplace.com/personality-disorders/malignant-self-love/do-narcissists-have-emotions/menu-id-1469/ "The narcissist is especially "emotional" when weaned off his drug of Narcissistic Supply. Breaking a habit is always difficult - especially one that defines (and generates) oneself. Getting rid of an addiction is doubly taxing. The narcissist misidentifies these crises with an emotional depth and his self-conviction is so immense, that he mostly succeeds to delude his environment, as well. But a narcissistic crisis (losing a Source of Narcissistic Supply, obtaining an alternative one, moving from one Narcissistic Pathological Space to another) - must never be confused with the real thing, which the narcissist never experiences: emotions"
Jun 27 - 4PM (Reply to #19)
janine
janine's picture

Thank you, Michele

for taking the time to explain in detail. My ex was what the psychiatrist called a borderline Narc. So that would be the difference.
Jun 27 - 5PM (Reply to #20)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

My pleasure Janine

Glad I could clarify. Yes, Borderlines have high narcissistic TRAITS but are not full fledged Narcissists. But can be just as damaging to those they come in contact with... Hugs!
Jun 27 - 6PM (Reply to #21)
Lobo555
Lobo555's picture

I was married to a borderline

I was married to a borderline and, as you know, was involved with a narc. Now I need therapy! :)
Jun 27 - 8AM (Reply to #15)
janine
janine's picture

Lobo

While Narcs are pretty empty they do have a brain like any human being, where things get stored no matter how hard they try to escape them. I was with my ex during some of his therapy sessions, and believe me, their past relationships are very much there while in a twisted way. There is plenty of emotional baggage they refuse to deal with and blame others for. I've just read your story. Your N seems as desperately needy and greedy as mine and is running as hard as he can. You may have been like that pair of socks, because people are objects to them. But all he had with you will have been brought into his marriage, same as all of his past had been brought into your relationship and taken out on you.
Jun 27 - 7AM
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

You are in shock still, I am

You are in shock still, I am sure..........continue with your healing, stay on line....you will have ups and downs for sure but you are doing great! Remember, where you were and are...........the new bride will eventually be as well. Nope, she isn't making him happier. He is feeding off of her just as he fed off of you. My best to you, keep up the good work and stay true to YOU! Smiles
Jun 27 - 7AM
MandyM
MandyM's picture

It's been almost a year for

It's been almost a year for me, and I still have ups and downs - not as many, and not as emotional when they do happen, but I have them. The awesome ladies on this board tell me that's normal. I was extremely lucky in that my ex never physically abused me or raged at me or threatened me, so it's easier for my memory to soften my recollections of him, I guess, but I know he's still toxic, regardless. This time of year brings back a lot of memories for me. I've been missing him a lot lately. But I'm not about to contact him. I think we can feel what we feel and go with it as long as we don't cross the NC line!
Jun 27 - 7AM (Reply to #9)
badjer
badjer's picture

Hi Mandy

It's been nearly 9 months for me and I still have my brain clouded by the fog. I had to go back on my happy meds and am seeing a therapist today. Toxic is exactly it. Even if they aren't full-blown narcs, some of them should and do know better than to behave in cruel or calculated ways but they do it anyway. My reasoning about it all, albeit simplictically, is: 1. If he is disordered, then it wasn't me and nothing I did could have changed that, so I am better off out of it. 2. If he isn't disordered and did love me but was atrocious at showing it and ran instead of confronting his shortcomings, then he has scored an own-goal. This will happen in each successive relationship that he has unless he takes a long hard look at himself. = Unlikely. Therefore, I am no worse off without him. That could be my happy pill talking but, if it keeps me afloat, so be it Keep smiling XXX
Jun 27 - 7AM (Reply to #10)
adoette
adoette's picture

badgerbruno

"That could be my happy pill talking but, if it keeps me afloat, so be it." I love this, badgerbruno! And I totally get it, too. (smile)
Jun 27 - 8AM (Reply to #11)
Lobo555
Lobo555's picture

I need a pill to make me

I need a pill to make me forget he ever happened! :)
Jun 27 - 7AM
badjer
badjer's picture

Lobo

It's not surprising you are confused. What he has done is shitty and despicable. But you are spot on - his new relationship will not last. You think you are missing your friend - and you may be to some extent - but it is still a wistfulness for him that you must recognise. I went through the same with my ex. I missed the fun, the jokes and the camraderie. I still do but now I laugh about the silly jokes we had rather than tearing up over it. maybe I have turned a corner, maybe it is my happy meds kicking in. Either way, take heart from the fact that you are healing in a sensible way and taking your time. What he has done is to emotionally drink and drive - there will be a crash at the end. You might be being more cautious and putting your safety belt on, doing all the checks - but you will get there in one piece. I won't patronise you and say 'try not to hink about it' because that is impossible. I will say, try and be rational about it. In your rational brain, do you think his new relationship will last? You know the answer to that. In your rational brain, is that the conduct of a mature and sensible man? No. In your rational brain, do you want to be mentally exerting yourself over a man so entirely out of touch with his emotions? No. Day by day, the fog will lift. Keep swimming XXX
Jun 27 - 8AM (Reply to #2)
Lobo555
Lobo555's picture

Emotionally drink and drive

Emotionally drink and drive -- wow, what a perfect description! Especially since his best friend says he and the new wife have been drunk since they met. Literally. That's all they do -- drink and have sex. I am trying to be rational. My head knows what's right, my heart is struggling to catch up. This hurts so bad, I just want the pain to be over. I want to feel normal again.
Jun 27 - 9AM (Reply to #3)
twisted
twisted's picture

*I am trying to be rational.

*I am trying to be rational. My head knows what's right, my heart is struggling to catch up. This hurts so bad, I just want the pain to be over. I want to feel normal again* This is EXACTLY how I feel too. Perfectly put. I literally just posted my feelings about this same thing right before I saw your post. *wondering if I will always be addicted.*
Jun 27 - 12PM (Reply to #4)
Lobo555
Lobo555's picture

I wonder the same thing!

It's only been just over 3 months but feels like forever! I was addicted to him for years, though. Hard habit to break. Ugh. This process is horrid and so few people understand. I don't even understand *myself*! As I said to my mom the other night, "I don't understand my own reaction, why I can't let go even though I don't want him anymore." I've never been addicted to alcohol or drugs, but this is what withdrawal must feel like. I am so dreading the day I run into him. I'll be a mess.
Jun 27 - 7PM (Reply to #6)
Littleone
Littleone's picture

Lobo, I'm almost four months

Lobo, I'm almost four months out and the fog completely lifted for me 3 weeks ago. There is hope!!! I am not completely healed by any means but I now see him for exactly WHAT he is. There is no more cd and it's such a relief! It will come, have faith in that! Having said that, I don't have an ow thrown in my face yet, so it will be interesting to see how I feel then....
Jun 28 - 5AM (Reply to #7)
Lobo555
Lobo555's picture

The OW part is the hardest

I know what he is -- hell, I've known for years that he's f'd up and I should stay away. But to tell me he doesn't want something for years and then go out and get just what he said he *didn't* want after only 3 weeks. . . that's what's screwing with my head. My body was still warm and he pronounced me dead.
Jun 27 - 2PM (Reply to #5)
MandyM
MandyM's picture

That was exactly how I felt.

That was exactly how I felt. Why couldn't I let go? Why couldn't I move on? I remember thinking specifically that this must be what it's like to be in withdrawal from drugs. Turns out I was right. That's exactly what they call this.