That place between pain and complete healing

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#1 Nov 5 - 3PM
ginger3681
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That place between pain and complete healing

I am at a weird place right now. I went through a horrible time trying to forget this a-hole and the past year, I have been up and down with contact and no contact and love notes and then, D&D ect. All I thought about was him and what he was doing and where he was and who he was with, (embarressing, but, you all know the how it is....)
Thank God for this website, things make more sense. Now, I am slowly healing and moving forward. I am feeling better for the most part....But...
There is still that ____ ??? I don't even know what to call it....void? sadness? longing? I can not even figure out if it is for him or for that feeling he gave me when he was acting as Mr. Wonderful.
Is anyone else at this point? Certain songs, people, things, places, ect trigger me to think of him and give me that yucky feeling. I don't have to cry anymore or going into complete anxiety, but it bothers me. How long do these triggers last? How can I avoid them? Any suggestions?

Nov 5 - 11PM
cynthia (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

There is still that ____ ??? I don't even know what to call it..

I call it EMPTY feeling, I am not wanting him but its how the experience left me, just empty inside, what he did to me, he sucked me dry, its like he took all my love and ran away with it, so its up to me to restore myself and feel whole again, they wont give it to us there is no going back, they would only take more, but I have nothing left to give him anyway even if I did go back my well is dry he will have to drill somewhere else
Nov 5 - 11PM (Reply to #10)
Kate (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Yes.. Empty!

I know what you mean... I have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to give...I am struggling just functioning in friendships and the Family relationships are REALLY strained because they just don't get it!!! And the anger comes when I think that I was SO FULL when he arrived on the scene... I was ready to Give my WHOLE SELF to a man for the rest of my life!!!! I had NEVER been there before and I was 40!! So I FINALLY do and - well yeah = Now I'm EMPTIER THAN EVER and probably entering Pre-menopause!!!! AWESOME!! All Fired Up!!!
Nov 6 - 5PM (Reply to #12)
cynthia (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I am 51 and going through

I am 51 and going through menopause now, its bad enough with all your hormones and then having to go through this crap too, doubly wammy. Its funny I go through my med cabinet and say, ok here is my pill for hormones, here is my pill for the psychopath, and here is vitamins and over here is the pill for panic attacks, sometimes I say, oops forgot to take my pill for the psychopath I mean its just pathetic, my antidepressant also helps with the menopausal too so kill two birds with one pill, ha ha My son is 21 and a few days ago he said, mom I think you have snapped why are your car keys in the frige? who knows I have even had close friends who havent seem me in a while say your eyes dont light up, they look dull and you have a sadness about you, no its EMPTINESS there is nothing in me I feel numb to lifes pleasures, something touched me though last week a tiny tiny puppy no bigger than my hand I picked it up and I felt something stir inside me so I know its there. I do feel better when I do projects like work on pictures of the family, polish some silver pieces of my mothers that are antiques. I keep my house clean, light candles to help relax me so I DO TRY. I love my cat and dog to death I seem to feel love and affection for them I guess thats because I know they wont hurt me but people, thats another story. So Kate I think feeling empty is very normal and we just have to work on feeling alive again and for now I am going to give what i CAN ONLY GIVE, I wont force it but I will push myself a little bit each day.
Nov 6 - 5AM (Reply to #11)
Ellen
Ellen's picture

Tamra

Oh Tamra i have empathy for you (yay thats good news i'm not a narc), I expect we all feel this way on this forum or have done. I am questioning all of this at the moment, about being set up and feeling duped. I just can't get my head round it. I also have nothing left to give and wonder when it will come back. Even if i do give these days it is such a struggle. I hope it will all come back at some point.
Nov 5 - 4PM
MissM
MissM's picture

hey ginger, I was sort of

hey ginger, I was sort of wondering the same thing just today. I was so busy and enthralled with work today that he didn't cross my mind once. Till I left work and heard a cop car and it made me think of him. That yucky feeling like you said. Then I had to seriously wonder if I was feeling so out of sorts because I HADN'T thought of him at all. Like feeling shit about him had become as powerful and - I know this sounds odd - as 'reassuring' as when I felt great about him. Like it has been my crutch through the process of getting him out of my system. Don't get me wrong, i'm not past this. I'm getting over 'him' but his sick predatorial behaviour will stay with me a long time. Maybe then, we can move past ' him' in a real way but not feeling bad ALL time takes getting used to. Does this make sense?
Nov 6 - 4AM (Reply to #6)
Monica
Monica's picture

I can't wait until I don't think of him for a whole day!!

You have no idea how much I look forward to that day when, like Madea says in that video "Let Folks Go," I don't even remember his last name. That will truly be a grand day for me and I WILL celebrate. I still have ties with him that I cannot break at this time (not direct and not personal) that I hope are totally gone in a few months. Given the circumstances, they should be. It will be like the day I set sail from the shore of a barren, lonely island, leave a life of fear and anxiety, frustration and sadness, and head toward civilization again, leaving that island behind forever and all the bad feelings that went with it. I can't wait until I no longer think of him on a daily basis.
Nov 6 - 5PM (Reply to #8)
cynthia (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

ME TOO

I can't wait until I don't think of him for a whole day!! I can go hours but thats about it, I want to erase him from my mind forever, I am looking forward to when a week passes and I say to myself, Oh my God I havent thought of him all week, then you know you are moving on
Nov 6 - 4PM (Reply to #7)
MissM
MissM's picture

Out of solitary confinement

I'm still celebrating yesterday's breakthru and hoping I get more and more days like that. I'm getting to that place where I almost feel like he did me the greatest favour ever. By going NC on me and thru his silence making sure I get it that I'll never be welcome in his life again, he has let me heal. It's been hell accepting i'll never see or hear from him ever again. It felt like he'd buried me alive. But that feeling has gone, at last. I know he wasn't purposely doing me a favour. He knew what ignoring would do, especially to someone like me who doubts herself quietly. Because of his line of work, he'll be fully aware of how solitary confinement affects a person. I effectively 'got put into solitary'. I'm glad I don't hate him. Means I don't have him camping out for free in my heart.
Nov 5 - 4PM
AnotherPath
AnotherPath's picture

ginger3681

Yeah I have that ..... I don't know what to call it other than some empty something from my past. I've been out 2 years this week. Something triggers a thought and takes me back to the time with him. It can be something out of the blue and minute. I don't feel any wanting him, its not that. I sometimes think it's a sadness that this is what it came to, that the person I chose to be with and have children with turned out like this. It went all wrong. It's a reminder of it failing. Why couldn't I have been with someone where it didn't all go inevitably wrong. Sometimes the triggers remind me of before it all started to go wrong and sometimes they're of when it was completely ugly. I think they are unavoidable, and I'm finding they lessen as time goes by. At least I don't feel like crying about them, I notice them and the thoughts then float off away. It was worse before NC they stuck around a lot and I had emotional attachment to them. I had one this weekend when my children came back from visiting him and his new gf, they talked about her and what she'd made for dinner. I was neither sad, jealous or happy........ just very empty, then a day later it floated away.

Ending the dance

Nov 5 - 8PM (Reply to #2)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

IMHO...

there's no CURE or COMPLETE HEALING... the triggers just get smaller and smaller and you integrate them into who you are.... like an Anti-Narc vaccination. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ My Abuse Information Site Online Coaching & Help
Nov 5 - 8PM (Reply to #3)
Amazed
Amazed's picture

When Thoughts Creep In

When thoughts creep in,,I tell myself,,this is him trying to control me, and think the opposite. He would try to end to make me jealous, and insecure (just like the real person HE is) when I feel this shaking, seething feeling I identify it. It is his dying impact on me. He wants, yes, I believe he wants me to burn it eternal suffering. Why, I have not a clue. Awful to be a target of someone like this,,you would think they would just leave you alone, but even after you have shut it down with them, they keep coming at you like they are still playin their game and trying to have you under their control. Very weird, its like they keep trying to disturb you. How they are gratified by this, I will never know.
Nov 6 - 6AM (Reply to #4)
4joys4
4joys4's picture

He's been away from me for

He's been away from me for about 10 months. At first I thought about it all the time. Now it's better. I still want to contact but I dont. For me, the gap I feel is about coming out of this damaging confusing relationship into being myself again. It's the beginning of a new life that was empty at first and my work is to fill it with what is truly myself and things and people that are healthy for me. I think this is normal and a healthy transition. But the void can be uncomfortable.