Pity, Triggers, and Demons...

I need to share (vent)...

I went outside late this afternoon while dinner was cooking to tend to my flower garden in the front yard. I looked across the street and could hear "Tony" mowing his lawn. "Tony" is in his early 30's with a lovely wife and a little girl. They are, by all appearances, a nice and normal family. Tony waved to me. I returned the gesture and smiled. As I was pulling weeds and smelling the fresh cut grass, the sun was slowly setting. My heart ached, for lack of a better word, because my lawn gets cut by a professional service. ExN would say he hated doing the lawn in his "free" time, then he liked working outside and doing it... you never knew what his mood would be, but there was always a raw resentment that could pop to the surface at any time. I wonder if Tony's wife realizes how lucky she is to be married to a NON-disordered person. So, in those fleeting moments tonight I had self-pity that I had the misfortune and bad judgment to give 7 years of my live, and my love, to someone that didn't care.

I was watching LIFETIME TV tonight. "Fatal Honeymoon" was on, and it was about a pathological guy who killed his wife for the insurance money. So many triggers there. Not saying ExN was pathological. Maybe he was the antisocial narcissist. Maybe he was the malignant one, or maybe there was an overlapping combination of the passive-aggressive N in there somewhere. All I know is I recognized this actor doing so many things that ExN (aka "THE REAL ACTOR") did... so many of the same things. Not saying ExN would have tried to kill me but just the way he treated her. Just so many red flags I ignored.

Ah, demons. Today I spent a good part of the day reading The Path Forward and going back fluctuating to learn about the TYPES of Narcissists. So much to learn on a disorder that falls into Cluster B. Very dismal. His disorder, i.e. his DEMON, has somehow become my cause...my job...to figure out what happened to me.

I never wanted this. I didn't sign up for any of it. I don't need this in my life. I deserve a good man. I know, for me, the "nice guys" really bored me, especially when they are the "yes dear" types, but there has to be someone deserving of me who is a man's man and will also really have the capacity to love and cherish his woman.

Just really venting tonight... I feel stuck this past few weeks consumed with HIM and HIS DISORDER and trying to make sense of the senseless. I feel sorry for myself a bit today, because I want what Michelle across the street has. I played my part right. I was a good partner. My God. I was a REALLY good, patient, forgiving, tolerant, and interested partner in his life.

I always hope for enlightenment for him, except I hope he doesn't find it with the next woman; a smarter one who can "teach" him to be self-aware, because I put so much effort in and my heart broke to bits. I don't think that would be very fair, but as I'm learning.. life really isn't fair.

I'm sorry to sound so down tonight, but on a side note, I have kept my NC today so I have now completed DAY 4.