Pinky's Story

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#1 May 17 - 10AM
PinkyRose's picture

Pinky's Story

Hi, I just found this great site. I did a Google search on the phrase "he's stringing me along". And boom, I found this site!

I am 46, married. Somewhat happily, my husband and I have some issues. I'm in a sexless marriage which is going on for about 8 years now? I've already stopped counting. :( I don't know what his problem is and he doesn't really seem to care to find out. That could be another big long post. Also, regarding my husband, we've been married for 14 years. We take vacations, laugh, talk, go out, all these fun things. Everything is great except for there is no sex in our marriage anymore. I have asked numerous times why but he never gives me a straight answer.

Sometimes I get really bitter and sad, depressed when I think that my own husband would think me undesirable.

I think sometimes it's a control thing with hubby. I don't think he has cheated on me, all I can think of is that he'd rather please himself than to be with his own wife. I just don't know what to do anymore. I want to go to counseling - he won't go though.

It is very hard because I don't want to leave him, I want to make it work. I do love him very much. I thought that having a friend with benefits would help me out once in awhile - but he has turned out to where it's "all about him".

Some days I'm ok with all of this and others I'm just an emotional wreck and on the crazy emotional roller coaster.

Friend's story and me:

Since I was feeling unloved, uncherished and insecure about myself, I started talking more and more to a "friend" whom I would see on the commuter train to Chicago. He is a train engineer and for years we'd say 'hi' and chat a little bit in the parking lot. We talked alot about how he lost his gf to suicide. I was there for him when his car was broken into. Always smiling and happy when we saw each other.

I always was kind of attracted to him. Wondering what it would be like to sleep with him. Just me thinking basic female thoughts and desires. I'd only see him on the train or by his car in the summer. Then he'd change his schedule back to whatever time it was.

Last summer, I saw him walking thru the train cars and he gave me a big hug and kiss on the cheek. I was like WOW! He always managed to ask how is the hubby doing? My gf told me that he's asking because he wants to know what my status was. We talked about a restaurant that he was at when I was there at the same time. He said to let him know when we go there so he can go up there too.

The next day, I gave him my cellphone number. That was the bravest thing I had ever done! He gave me his. I was like wow, he gave me his number! :) We had said we could get together for drinks.

A few weeks later, my husband took a motorcycle trip with his buddy and I was home alone for the weekend. I was on my way home and I thought maybe I can call Mr. Engineer. But I was too nervous. So I sent him a text. I said "got beer?" He called and said, "hey, I can't tonight, I'm working".

One evening, my girlfriend and I went to see this band and I had a few drinks. I was feeling pretty good. I sent him a text saying "hey you, have a great night!"

And he sent me a text back saying all these nice things about how cute I am and how attracted he was to me. I told him in these texts that I really, really like him alot but of course I'm married. He said "it's ok, I understand". Then he was asking me some real flirty questions about what do I like doing in bed.

We saw each other on train and would talk for a few minutes while he walked thru the cars towards the front of the train. I told him hubby is going to be on vacation one week. And he suggested maybe we could meet for a drink or 2. I said, "ok that sounds good".

So I was really nervous, thinking WTF am I doing? Well IK told myself, I'm meeting a friend, that's all. So, we met at this pizza joint and had some drinks. Too many drinks. He got trashed and so did I. We were having so much fun though it was so nice to get to know him he made me laugh and I made him laugh.

He talked about his life. And told me about some woman whom he was going to marry. That it was going to be a marriage of convenience, etc. He wanted me to know this upfront. He told me he's a loan shark, works for some guy collecting $$ and if they don't pay up they have to pay the consequences.

We went to a couple of other bars and at one of them in the parking lot I kissed him deeply. He said and at the last one he told me to sit at the bar and order whatever I wanted and that he'd be right back.

He went to the back room of the bar and then came back out and sat by me. He whispered in my ear if I was interested in some heroin. He could shoot me up. I said "no, no I don't do drugs". Drinking is about all I can handle. I asked him if he did that stuff. He said "no". I don't know for sure. But with his job he has to get drug tests, I'm sure.

Later, we went back to his place - he wanted to show me his condo. Uh yeah we both knew what we wanted to do.

We went there and he went to the bathroom and I was looking around on the shelves of his place. Looking at pics and books, etc. Trying to get to know him. I bumped into some papers and they fell on the floor, that I had knocked off the shelf. I picked them up and put them back. I turned around and saw him and he was looking surprised.

He said "wow, I thought I could trust, you I thought we were friends". I said "honey, I didn't do anything" he was all pissed off at me and I'm apologizing all over the place. He kept saying "time for you to go!!" I said "no, no please don't be mad at me!!" I said you are drunk, let me help you to bed.

I was being sincere, trying to be a friend, I wanted to help him. He was still mad and went to the bedroom and I said are you going to be ok? I don't remember what else I said but he got up and was really pissed. He said do you want to "f" (sorry not sure of the language here so I'm just going to abbreviate things). HE said let's go, come on. I said, "no!" He was staring at me and I was holding my head high and leaning against the wall. He said "I have $15,000!! Here!" and threw it at me. Two huge wads of cash.

I said, "I don't want your $$ and I'm not a whore!" he got pissed off and went and slammed the door. I grabbed my purse and left his place. I was shaking I was so scared! I couldn't get out the door fast enough because there were so many locks on that door. OMG! I felt like I was in some psycho movie.

I finally got out and went to my car and drove home, crying all the way. I called him and left him a voice mail. I told him I was sorry that I offended him, and it would be better if we didn't talk anymore.

The next day I was sooo hungover. Me and my gf were going to be gone over night at this convention thing in Chicago. He called me and asked if I was ok. I didn't want to answer but I wanted him to know WTF he did.

He didn't remember much but apologized all over the place and said he was nervous and drank too much. I said "ok" but I kept it short.

He called later that evening, but I didn't answer, I was doing my thing at the convention.

I was dreading Monday because I did't want to see him. I think I avoided him a couple of days. Then I couldn't anymore becuase of my work schedule. Sigh... I just said hi/bye and was cordial and civilized.

He asked for another chance at us being friends again. That he really liked me and I was a great lady. Of course all of these compliments he said to me and I ate them all up.

I know it could have been way worse and I am really dumb for putting myself in that predicament but I thought I could trust him. He was not the person I saw on the train.

Anyways, he sweet talked his way into another "date". And that time I did sleep with him. He was amazing - especially since it had been so long since I had sex. He was so attentive and passionate and just so sweet, yet sometimes rough with my permission. I couldn't believe it. He kept saying over and over he couln't understand how my husband no longer wanted me. That he would take me. He told me over and over he's been thinking about this for years.

This happened a few more times in the summer. We had some long talks on the train. About feelings that we really can't explain yet, etc. I was so happy about this attention I was getting. I felt like a woman again.

One time we had been drinking were leaving his place and I did tell him I loved him. He said "no you can't say that, you are married!" I said, "you love me". he said "yes but I'm getting married in November". I said then we won't be able to get together like this anymore. He said no we will still get together and "f". We were drunk so I know that was just said in our drunken stupor.

Every couple of weeks we'd meet after work have a couple of drinks and end up at his place. One Sunday, we had met and went to a motel to spend time together. Amazing in bed. I mean we did it for about 4 hours and man does he have stamina! Honestly, with him the sex was the best.

In October, hubby and I had a planned vacation to Paris. It seemed like when I had told him we were going, he had changed a little bit. It was kinda like he started to give me the brush off. But he still talked to me everyday and was "excited" for my trip.

When I came back, is when it all changed. It was kinda like he was "jealous". He said "I think you and your husband are back to sleeping together". I said "no, nothing has changed in that dept".

He called me a few days after I got back and told me he was definitely getting married in November.

I congratulated him and told him this lady is very lucky to have him. He told me my husband is lucky to have me. He said "you won't leave your husband and no one else will have me, you have made me realize I am a very lonely man and I want someone in my life to share things with". I said "Ok, I know you will be very happy. I just wanted you to know I do have deep feelings for you".

He said 'so do I".

Well in November, he went off and got married, I didn't see him for about a month since he was on vacation for that long. When I did see him, he was all like "hey!" and really flirty and all that.

I'm thinking this is a newly married man? he sat next to me on the train and I said let me see your ring! He showed me his silver band and I said "very nice!" He held my hand for a minute. He told me he wants to get together soon. I was like OMG!

Later, he told me his wife is keeping her house and he's keeping his. It works out better that way. I was thinking WHAT!?

Since December, I have felt like he is stringing me along. He'd ask to meet for drinks, then cancel or say he had to work. So I'd end up disppointed. I would try the NC rules and avoid his train. But if I would happen to run into him again he was all over it full force. Sucking me back into the vacuum.

It has made me confused and crazy. I still like him alot but I just keep thinking why does he string me along? I found it very unusual that he stayed on that route instead of switching in the fall like he usually did.

He's so hot and cold. When he feels me pulling back he comes at me full force. And when I'm getting closer he pulls back.

The last time was really, really strong. He gave me a big hug and was holding me tight and moaning softly in my ear. He said "I want to be with you, I want to 'f'". I nodded my head "yes". He had called me for a few days to say hi. I was thrilled to "have him back". But nothing ever happened.

Last Thursday, I told him I may be a bad girl and call off work. He said that maybe we could get together for some "mischief". I was like I'll let you know if I call off sick.

I did call off sick. I wanted to take the day and get my hair cut and renew my drivers license. I called him and he said I have this and that to do...

That was it. I got tired of these excuses all since December. Either he's interested or not. All the signals were there - then he backs out.

About a month ago, I got my hours changed at work so that I have to take an earlier train so I don't run into him. Now I'm making sure I am not on "his train".

SIGH... this man makes me crazy, he's no good for me, he's a liar he fabricates so many things. I don't even know what to beleive anymore. If he knows I'm upset, he feeds me a big sympathy ploy. I am not even sure if he's married. I'm waiting for him to say he's going to separate from his wife. He's all over the place with things.

I need to FORGET HIM NOW!! :(

Thanks for reading!!

Jul 6 - 8PM
ruby01 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I would have took the money!

Just kidding (I think) Seriously that experience alone would have scared the crap out of me. He's psycho! Don't get near him.
Jul 6 - 11PM (Reply to #12)
PinkyRose's picture


yeah I thought about that too but he would have come back looking for it. If he's some kinda mobster loanshark, I'll just stay far away. I remember a few weeks later, he told me he left cash out there as a "test". Ugh!
Jul 6 - 1PM
Smitten Kitten (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Your story is similar to mine

Your story is similar to mine in that I am 46 and also in a sexless marriage. My affair ended up being a long-distance relationship, though, from coast to coast. While my husband and I didn't go that many years with absolutely no sex, the frequency and quality steadily declined to less than once a month to every few months. I read somewhere that the definition of a sexless marriage is less than 11 times per year, and that was us. Plus, it became very mechanical with no intimacy. I felt like I might as well be a blow-up doll. Anyway, one of the biggest factors that contributed to this was discovering my husband had an internet porn addiction. That, it appears, became preferable to me and really drove a wedge between us. At one point I thought he might be having an affair or might be gay, and even asked him, because he wasn't doing me, so who was he doing? Plus, he was angry and distant a lot of the time around me, acting like he'd rather be anywhere else. We became like roommates. We even went away for an 8-day vacation on our 20th anniversary and didn't have sex once. So I'm just wondering if that's a possible factor for your husband as well. I have read so much that this a huge problem and almost epidemic with relationships nowadays, that so many men are becoming internet port addicts and it's just easier for them to take care of themselves than consider you. Instead of spicing things up, it becomes an interference and a preference. It also changes them and how they relate to you, because they start objectifying you and comparing you to the unrealistic women they see on the screen. I noticed this in the way his "performance" changed with me, almost like he's "forgotten" what to do because he's so focused on his own needs. They also get to avoid intimacy if that's an issue for them.
Jul 6 - 11PM (Reply to #10)
PinkyRose's picture

yes, very similar

I think that's what it is, the addiction to just himself. It's so hurtful. Who knows anymore yeah we're just basically room mates too. I don't want to leave him and that Narc I had the affair with just complicates it even more. So I have 2 men messing with the control thing. It's not good for the self-esteem at all. :*(
May 17 - 9PM
PinkyRose's picture

Thank you

Thanks for the supportive comments! I am definitely staying away from him for good. I'm tired of him breaking my heart and me letting him. As far as my husband being gay or not, I'm not sure. I have asked him and he says no and gets offended. But maybe he doesn't know. I just don't know. There was a question asked "was it worth it?" Was what worth it? Seeking out another man? Having my heart broken? Being lied to, and treated like crap? All for a couple of rolls in the hay!? What do you think?
Jul 5 - 10PM (Reply to #7)
PinkyRose's picture


SAME OLD BS! I went NC for a couple of weeks. But there were a few times I missed my train and had to run into him. I didn't really do it on purpose because I don't want to be late for work but I'd take a chance and miss the train to see if he was still there. I know it was really dumb to do that because in the end I knew nothing else would ever happen. He'd call me and say "I've been thinking of you, we need to get together..., just let me know when". Ok I thought I would give him another try and see if he really meant it. I'd throw him a date and of course the last minute, he'd say he'd have to work late. "but please don't give up on me..." Yeah ok sure buddy. A few weeks ago, he took a week off to move into his wife's house. ( they were living seperately, but now he has moved in) Supposedly, he is renting out his place to someone. Then he had a different train run to do for another week so he said he wouldn't see me around for about 2 weeks. Somewhere in these weeks, he had drunk dialed me and told me that he want more than just p*ssy from me, he wants everything about me, he wants it all. Alrighty then. Well that 2 weeks passed by and then I was gone on vacation, but I never told him my business. Why should I anyway. I kept thinking he's always keeping me guessing, now it's my turn. (like he cares anyway) While I was away he called on a Friday night and left me a voice mail. Saying "well, I guess you're pissed at me... I haven't seen or heard from you all week, it would be really, really nice to see you again and talk". I thought whoa! like a dumbass, I called him a few days later after I got home, I told him. "I ran away". But laughed and said I was joking. I told him my husband took me away for my birthday... blah blah. Well, I waited a couple of days before I decided to take his train again and I passed by him. I swear he was practially running through the cars to call me over to him. I stopped and looked and said hi! Acting all calm and cool. He said I want to hug you. And he gave me such a big bear hug. And told me he missed me and happy birthday. Yadda, yadda. He said I was turning him on, and he's so hard. I played along, ate up all the attention. He said I don't want to let you go. God, if we were in a different setting, we would have done it right then and there. I was all happy for awhile and he was soooo attentive. Smiles and eyes only for me. (ha! yeah right I knew deep down inside it was the same BS) This went on for a couple of weeks. I took a different route home one Friday evening and stayed out late. I got a voice mail from him saying "I was wondering where you are, I hope you got home ok, are you with (hubby)? he's the man, yeah he's the man..." He was drunk. Ugh Once again me feeling sorry for him "oh he was worried..." I called him the next day and told him, thanks for calling, I'm doing ok, everything is cool. But I didn't give him any details. Why should I have? So, I saw him and I said "oh yeah I got your voice mail the other day". He totally changed the subject and started talking about some strip club with his buddies and then he was feeling sick and had to go to the doc. So, in reading all these posts and blogs, I'm thinking yeah he wants to bring me 'down' by saying he had so much fun at a strip club. But yet I should feel sorry for him now because he was feelin' sick. So the next couple of days it was the same old flirty stuff. He said we definitely have to get together in a few weeks. He planned this big night out, and drinks downtown and some fun, etc. and he'd drive me back to the station, etc. I said Ok, well, hubby will be out of town and I will be a free woman for about a week. He was so thrilled and was counting down the days until we can finally be together. He asked me every day "so pretty soon you're going to be a free woman?" I would nod "yes". I asked him "what is your schedule like". It was for the 4th of July weekend. He said how about Sunday? I said ok, that sounds good. So yeah Sunday... Well I didn't get my hopes up too high because of his past history. But like many others here, I thought ok he's finally going to see me, he wants to see me! Sunday morning comes along and I thought I'd wait until the early afternoon to see what's up. I sent him a text. No answer. So I thought well I'm calling him, I do have a right to know if he's going to f'n cancel or not. He called me back and told me he was really sorry but he couldn't get someone to watch his wife's kid and that he's going to have to spend the evening with him. I said "ok... mmm hmm, yeah, sure no problem". He said, "I figured I'd better call you so you're not wondering, thank you for understanding, dear". I said "ok, bye" and that was it. Yeah I was pissed but at myself for even falling for the same old fucking story! I did not cry at all. It's soooo old already, I don't even f'n care anymore. I am really pissed so NC will be easy for now, but later is when I'm thinking I know I will one day run into him again. Stupid me still has the false hope. I even wondered if he'd contact me because I'm home alone during the week. Whatever, I didn't take his train this a.m. I took an earlier one and I plan on doing that from now on again. I'm thinking about using hubby's car instead of mine, so he won't even see my car. I'll have to figure out what I'll do next week as far as the parking situation goes. It's kinda hard because I have a reserved space and he knows where I park. Sigh he's a JERK!!
Jul 6 - 9PM (Reply to #8)
Hunter's picture


Your last post was two months ago and you are still playing in Narcville. What have you done to get this man out of your life? Do you like being a yoyo? NCNCNC Hunter
May 17 - 6PM
wacaet's picture

yes, you do need to forget

yes, you do need to forget him he's fucking with your mind and sounds dangerous (the heroin thing is scary)
May 17 - 6PM
Happy1's picture

Regarding your husband....

Regarding your husband.... I'm asking this from experience in my life. Is it possible that he could be gay? I know you could look at my ex and NOBODY would think or guess he is, but after 11 years marriage he told me he was. Just a thought....
May 17 - 1PM
findingmeagain's picture

So was it worth it ?

So was it worth it ?
May 17 - 11AM
Hunter's picture

Forgetting him is a very good

Forgetting him is a very good idea! He's nuts! Read, read & read Hunter
May 17 - 11AM
dabussard's picture


Oh my, I think we are seeing the same man. Oh my goodness, your story is so much like mine that I have tears in my eyes. My husband and I have been on a friends level only for 7 years. I was lonely, sad, and so needed a friend with benefits. That was the understanding from the beginning. The first six months were wonderful, then It all changed. He goes from hot to cold and is oh so confusing. Mine also would say and still does "I know that you are sleeping with your husband". They do get so jealious. Mine is now stalking me and hoovering me like crazy. He is sending his friends to watch my every move and make sure I don't leave the bar with another guy. My N in the end told me that he only wanted to split my husband and I up and that he was never really interested in me. That he would have left me regardless! I am still in awe at how much our stories are alike? Stay NC, we are lucky we got out when we did.