pierclub's story

Hi everyone,

This is my first time posting. I've been reading posts and blogs on this site since Tuesday, anxiously waiting to post my story. Not sure if my ex is a narcissist or not but maybe I can get people's opinion. This might be kind of long but please bear with.

A lil background about me, I'm 40, now single, grew up in an abusive household (physical, mental, and emotional) and I suffer from PTSD. On and off therapy and going regularly since of July 11 and I've been pulled out of work since April.

Here's my story. May of last year I started going out with a guy who I knew of in highschool. Never had a conversation with him but I knew who he was and I knew who he was. We actually really met in September of 2010 at a party and he contacted me via Facebook (FB) and in May we actually went on a date. Tall, dark, handsome, intelligent, a producer at a local TV station, photographer. Everything was great. I told him I wanted to take things slow. He was going through a divorce and has three little girls. My first mind was to wait till he got a divorce but I went against my better judgement. Dummy me! We were pretty much inseparable except when his girls were in town every other weekend and on their breaks. Three months into it we finally slept together. He pretty much was with me every minute, practically moved in. I thought we were in the honeymoon stage, we were in our little world, things were great! We had our little disagreements but we always talked through things. I thought wow, a man who communicates and does not fly off the handle. One area of contention in our relationship was FB. He was on it constantly, addicted! and it would drive me crazy, got on my nerves! He has over 2400 friends, mostly women, but remember he is a photographer and posts his photos, his videos, etc. I remember telling him that in general when men are on FB like that I know it is stroking their ego. We got into a lil fight about that.

Anyway things were going good, December came and I started kind of questioning him when was I going to meet his girls, the rest of his family and friends, what was going on with his divorce? I couldn't meet the girls because the divorce wasn't final (even though the ex was living with her boyfriend, and did I mention the ex was an evil B%tch?). I wasn't introduced to his family cause his girls were always around when they had family functions. Took him 8 months to introduce me to his mom. Didn't meet the friends cause he was with me all the time at my house (honeymoon stage) and I didn't like the "circle" of friends that he knew. Which is true, but I can't meet you homeboys? And the divorce, well it was all the ex's fault, every week or other it was a different excuse. He played her that she had a mental disorder, and he was worried about his girls, she was getting an attorney, etc.

January and February arguments were starting to crop up because of these things being up in the air, but mind you we always talked through them. I thought, give him a year to get his crap together.

Well, March came along, and we got into a fight, a huge ugly fight! It was a fight about FB. He had "liked" a photo of this girl which was sexually overt (naked pretty much, covering her breasts) and I thought it was totally inappropriate. He flipped out! I had already had a bad day after talking to my dad who reamed me a new A-hole and I was pretty upset. My ex after the fight gave me the silent treatment for two days. When I finally text him he told me that me confronting him about the photo made him rethink his priorities. He said to me, you DO know I'm a photographer, and I said so what, that gives you license to just post or do anything? anyway, he said had his girls to think about and me doing that just messed his head up. I'm like what, the girls had nothing to do with what was going on. We get into another fight that he needs to think about his girls and I was stopping him from doing what he needed to do (all lies). I was stopping him from doing his side jobs (work). That he needed to see his girl EVERY weekend. I'm like well that's not going to work for me, I don't want a weekday boyfriend who screw me at night and then gets up the next morn to go to work. I need more than that. He said he knew women who WOULD deal with that. Anyway, for the rest of the week, I pretty much got silent treatment or weird texts. We finally talked everything through and I thought we were good to go.

We get into a fight the next weekend and everything goes to hell. I find out that he goes to his friends house for gumbo but come to find out that was only part of the story. I'm laying in bed with him the next morning and he tells me that he went to some chick's house with his boy and his wife, had gumbo and played taboo to early the next morn. I asked him who was all there and he tells me everyone was coupled up except for one chick. I'm like you didnt feel funny without me being there, he's like no. From there he reacted and flew into a rage. He said I was making him feel he did something wrong, that I'm too demanding, too strong, I have him on a short leash, he feels like he's handcuffed, that he feels like he's prison. I'm like where is this coming from, what the hell are you talking about. He compares me to my father (who abused me) and says I'm just like him. and he uses other incidents that I have told him in casual conversation against me. I'm like thinking he's been storing all this info about me in his head! It was unbelievable. I'm like trying to defend myself but its like a stranger in front of my eyes! He was just ugly

This has been going on since March, either I'm getting the silent treatment or if we try to talk or have a conversation about things he gets in a rage. He would prefer not to talk about the incident but I'm like we have to talk. He said I forced him to say the things he did, he wouldn't have said it if I hadn't forced him. Told me that I cant move on then this is over. But its not normal, you can't just spew out things and expect me not to rectify the situation or not talk about it. You said those things for a reason. Told me that he didn't know if he wanted this relationship or not. Hasn't told me he loved me or missed me except for two weeks ago. He needed to heal from what I did. He was under too much pressure with the girls, his ex, his taxes (always something). I told him we could just take a step back, give his space to get his crap together. But in the meantime, I feel like I'm getting his crumbs, he's doing his thing and coming to me to sleep over, have sex when he's done with everything else. There's been more things he has said and I'm just trippin. He told me one time, let me give you analogy, you might not get this because I'm pretty smart and most people can't understand my analogies. and I'm like, I'm not an idiot! Everything is my fault, I just couldn't understand who this person was. He has never taken any ownership or responsibility for anything.

Finally two weeks ago, I got tired of the crumbs. He was going to watch the game around the corner from me at some motel. Some people had rented rooms to watch the playoffs, said he would call me afterwards which was like about 10-10:30. and I said well, that pretty late. I knew he was going to try and come over after and try and have sex, and it pissed me off. I hung up with him but called him right back and went off. I just told him that I wasn't taking his crumbs anymore and it just got ugly. He said to me you just can't call a man and jam him up and not expect to break up. He said you just can't expect me to heal from all that you've done if you keep coming at me like this. I'm like what the hell do you really have to heal from???? It's been two months I've been going through hell, I'm in daily therapy behind it. It's not like I lied, or cheated on you, or something crazy. We had an argument about freaking FB!!! That's what started this whole thing! He went off, and hung up in my face. He later texted me and told me, look I love you and I want us to work. If you can talk to me peacefully then I'm ok with that. Sorry I hung up on you. By the time I hung up with him, I was done. I had been through so much in the last two months that I just didn't have the mental and emotional capacity to deal with it anymore. I just thought he was plain evil, an A-hole, and a jerk! I texted him back and told him that he won, I would take all the blame, and I just couldn't go back and forth with him. Sorry that it was ending this way. He texted me the next day and said he was sorry too, that he just felt attacked and it came from nowhere. I was going to text him back that it wasn't coming from nowhere but what was that going to change. It reminded me of being in a relationship I had when I was 17 where my ex then played mental games with me, such as trying to drown me in a pool and say it was my fault.

I've been trying to figure out who this person was/is. He is literally a stranger before my eyes. It was like the rug got pulled out from under me and I was left holding nothing. I have been an emotional wreck. I just can't figure out what happened. How did go from so good to so truly bad? I have been blaming myself, feeling like a complete failure, and have been beating myself up, because he attacked my personality and character. My girlfriend told me when this started two months ago that he was a narcissist (her ex husband was one) and she sent me some articles but it didn't resonate with me. She said it again to this week. Two things that stuck out to her was that when I first met him, he told that people in town thought he was famous (cause of his profession). and I laughed at him, cause I'm like really? who are you? you not Denzel or Brad. He said it was one of the reasons he was attracted to me cause I didn't think he famous. The other thing that bothered my friend was that I told her that after a few times of my ex and I going out, he made a comment to me. See, everytime we would go out someone would make a comment to him or me that I was beautiful or that I had beautiful eyes. And after one of these incidents he said so everytime we go out someone is going to compliment you? See everyone told him he was handsome, or had great dimples, or a nice voice, etc. And my friend said it just bothered her.

So after she said that, I started doing some research, and I found this site. and I have to say some of the things on here, make my stomach a little sick, because it sounds just like him. But who am I to say he a narcissist. I just know that I'm having a hard time not contacting him or checking his facebook page (which strangely he hasn't made any posts but he's sure been "liking" a lot of photos). It's like I'm still like what the hell happened, I have no closure, this was a man I truly loved. and I just don't understand what happened. This was a man I spent everyday with since May of last year. and to go from that to this is just plain crazy.

Sorry this is soooooo long but I had to get it out!