Phoenix72's Story

13 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 Jan 15 - 12PM
Phoenix72
Phoenix72's picture

Phoenix72's Story

Needing some inspiration

Well, I will try to start my story off really short but to the point. My exN is an alcoholic. He blames his dad for his alcoholism, classic N and classic alcoholism blaming everyone else for their problems. I was with him for a year and a half. He's done some really nasty things to me but I kept going back. Possible martyrdom??? I will just list out a few things he's done:
1. Broke up with me on my bday only after being together a few months saying he wasn't interested anymore to turn around 4 hours after breaking up with me texting me happy birthday and wanting to take me out cause he felt bad about what he had done 4 hours prior.
2. Broke our plans for New Years of 2010 and lied about where he was, I found out a few wks later that he had abandoned me to go spend with a much older woman.
3. Broke up with me Valentines Day by devaluing me.
4. Got wasted on my bday of 2011 and started shooting me with his bb gun!
5. Drug me across his kitchen floor so that he could set me outside his door cause I had caught him there with another woman who is an alcoholic herself, only to text me 5 min later telling me "please don't act like that. come back" which I ignored.
6. Got plastered on this past New Years Eve which ruined our plans, yet again. But this time it involved his brother as well. He was so wasted that we couldn't go out as planned, which was his idea and reservations. Only to text me 2 hours after I left begging me to come back which I refused. Then he started begging me the next day to come help him cause he was throwing up blood. I guess anyone would throw up blood if they regularly consumed a liter of vodka in less that 10 hours!
My list could go on an on! I was there for him ANYTIME he needed me. Last year he had two surgeries, shoulder and had to have a cyst removed off of his tailbone (that one was interesting cause it required packing the hole with gauze several times a day). I basically lived with him until he was drunk and kicked me out or he was ready for some new supply and needed me to leave so that he could do so. I have caught this low life in sooooo many lies and have caught him at least 3 times with other women only for him to come crawling back a few days later. He has abused me in EVERY way possible but has never taken accountability for anything, he even blames me for his "extracuricular" activities by saying that I pushed him to hang out with other women cause all I ever did was nag him and argue with him! WTF?? I'm a pretty laid back person and don't require much in a relationship, but the things I require he never offered. He is an extremely affection person when he wants to be. The sex was not that great at all!! In the beginning it was, but when he started hitting the vodka heavily in the beginning of 2011 it was like having drunken one night stands with him every time we did try. And yes I said try cause IF he could get it up, it wouldn't stay up for about 1 minute! How fantastic for me! I have been told that I'm very attractive, great personality with alot to offer a man, but I can't even count on one hand how many times he has complimented me except for how good I did cleaning his apartment and the cooking that I did. He's also psychotically in love with my dog! He has told me before countless times that if we ever finally ended that he would want visitation rights to my dog. I had my dog way before he and I ever met, and he has never bought anything for my dog! In fact, the only thing he has ever purchased for me were 2 pair of shoes!! He's never given me a card, flowers, candy, xmas, bday or vday presents! He is the most selfish person that I have ever met in my life!!!!! About 2 weeks ago, I told him that I could not deal with his alcoholism and abuse anymore. He of course tried to flip it around so that it was him dumping me, this being about the 100th time of dumping me. The last I heard from him was the other day when he msgd me to tell me to stay away from his family cause I had ran into his dad at the store the night before. His family and I had grown very close and provided support to each other because of his alcoholism, so if I see them I'm not going to be rude. I just replied to him with "whatever", so of course the devaluing proceeded. Him telling me I was a deadbeat mom cause my 2 boys spend more time with their dad than with me. Telling me to find a job cause I lost my job the other week. I just kept replying with "hahahaha". I wasn't about to argue with him cause I knew that's what he wanted. The times that we have broken up, it's only been for 3 days max. The ONLY time that we have been broken up for longer than 3 days was when he was pursuing a 52 year old but he came back after a week. This is the longest that we have been broken up and the longest he has gone without contacting me. I know I should be thankful for him leaving but the whole discarding me like a piece of used trash after everything that I did for him. Should I brace myself for him to contact me? Or will it be a while, like a few months, before he contacts? I am trying to let go, the pain is just unbearable at times. I have been reading More Language of Letting Go which is helping me but all I can do is cry. Thanks for any support that anyone can provide. xoxo

Feb 1 - 1PM
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

Wow! You must be exhausted,

Wow! You must be exhausted, dizzy after this roller coaster ride you have been on, and him being a raging alcoholic to boot. Are you in therapy? If not, please do so immediately. You may consider joining a support group for family and/or loved ones of alcoholics as well. You are exactly what he needs, and yes, he will continue to return, because he can. You are what they term an enabler. You aren't helping him (nor can you) and you are certainly not helping yourself by remaining in the relationship all this time. Alcoholism is a horrible state of affairs, A year and a half of your life is nothing in comparison to the life sentence you could be facing by continuing to be with him. Take the two pair of shoes he bought you and run like hell! Stay strong and get the help that you need to break lose from this vicious cycle that you have been in. Good luck!
Feb 11 - 11AM (Reply to #11)
Phoenix72
Phoenix72's picture

Sparrow....

Sorry, I just saw your comment on my story. :( I am doing better now after the discard. Haven't heard from him in a week and a half, don't expect to for several months because I've seen his pattern of contact with his other ex's. I'm sure that there is an OW by now, or was before the discard. I'm more pissed than hurt at this point. By now you've seen my more recent posts and am fully aware of the situation. His family is more dysfunctional than the Adam's Family and Munsters rolled into one. ROFL!!! Thank you for your kind words support and I am looking forward to getting to know each and every one of you on this wonderful, uplifting forum. :)
Feb 11 - 11AM (Reply to #12)
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

No worries

No worries Phoenix...........I am so glad to hear of the progress! Keep up the good work! The Adams Family and the Munsters rolled in to one............too funny. lol
Jan 15 - 12PM
ruby01 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Phoenix72

Love the name! I,like you tend to refer to myself as "laid back". I have had to face the fact that my difficulty in saying no, my need to not hurt others feelings, and my desire to please,landed me right here. I became a door mat for the abuser to wipe his feet on. It hurts, but that is in the past for me. No more am I a victim. You have taken the first step in taking back control of your life. It's a long road to regain that self confidence and trust in yourself, but it can be done. You have to really want it and work hard. I applaud you for taking a stand for yourself. You know you are worth it. What he has said and done to you is disgusting and unacceptable. Know that you are real. You are not any of things he has defined you as being, no one has that power. Let your feelings come out naturally and don't be ashamed or confused by them. They have to come out in order for you to better know yourself and gain strength. I'm sure you are a wonderful person. You just got fooled. It has happened to everyone here. They key is to become aware of the tactics abusers use, which believe it or not, are not complex, and to gain an understanding of how you wound up losing control. The latter being the tougher to figure out and ultimately accept. Stay here throughout your journey and begin a policy of complete no contact with this abuser! xxx, Ruby
Jan 15 - 12PM (Reply to #9)
Phoenix72
Phoenix72's picture

Thanks!

I chose the name because I envision myself to be like a Phoenix, one that rises from the ashes! :) What's sad is that I haven't even listed ALL the things that he's done to me! He knows that I know what he is now cause one of the last things that I told him when he dumped me the other week was that I have known narcissists like him in the past and that I have no problem squishing him like the the bottom dweller roach that he is and I enlightened his dad when I saw him in the store the other night. I simply told his dad to google NPD. I'm not sure if his dad told him what I said or not. Right now I 'm sure he's probably not contacting because a variety of factors: 1. He knows that I know now 2. He is seething because he can't run his game on me anymore. 3. He's probably got a new supply source which keeps him occupied.
Jan 15 - 12PM
needing2know
needing2know's picture

Was with my ex for 7yrs did

Was with my ex for 7yrs did everything for him, treated him like royalty, they don't care,they think they can find someone better, well more power to them lol, they will NEVER find someone who put up with their shit like we did, be thankful he is gone, if you do the work and stay 100% NC you will know that he did the best thing for you ever, it hurts to be thrown out like a bag of trash, mine did it to me and yes it hurts, but you will soon realize that was the best thing he ever did for you. Nothing you do will ever be good enough, when you keep going back you just show them you are weak and they can walk all over you any time they want to. I ALWAYS went after my ex, he NEVER came after me, well when he got rid of me this time, no matter how bad it hurt and how bad I wanted to go after him , I couldn't! It was him or my sanity. So many times I wanted to go after him but I came here and got the strength to go forward not back!When he is not getting what he wants or the OW isn't putting up with what you did he will be back, but then again maybe not, depends on him, but almost always they will come back. DON'T EVER FALL FOR THEIR BULLSHIT STORIES AND CAVE! Do not respond to any way he tries to make contact, because when you do he knows he can still treat you like shit and you will deal with it. Enough is enough! Read and read more, listen to advise and use it to your advantage!
Jan 15 - 12PM (Reply to #2)
Phoenix72
Phoenix72's picture

Our age differences

Yea, my friends kept trying to tell me the whole time that it was just his age, he's 29 and I'm 39. But I knew that it wasn't his age. I've known guys that are or have been 29 and never acted like that! From what he has told me, the average length of his relationships were 6 months at the most prior to me. It was really amazing how his brother stepped in on New Years Eve to rescue me and blow him out at the same time. He had to physically pull him off of me and was lashing at him telling him that he was a dumbass cause he would NEVER find anyone that would be as good to him as I was to him. It was also insane how he viewed his parents money, as if it was his! Anytime his dad would buy us or me something to eat or hand me gas money for hauling his butt around everywhere cause he doesn't have license, which I ademently refused, he would always throw it back in my face later on like the money came out of his own pocket!! This arseclown will never ever hit rock bottom because his parents do EVERYTHING for him including buying his beer, cigs and paying his bills! His dad raises hell about it all the time but yet goes and does these things! It's the most dysfunctional family I have ever seen!!!! His mom is a hoarder, his brother is schizo and dad is definately coda!! I know I am not the most mentally healthy person on earth but at least I know when enough is enough, unlike them. But it's not my problem anymore. Although I'm sure he will try to come back cause he will never find anyone that will do for him like I did for any length of time. I know this part may sound crazy but what woman wants a boy to drive around, provide nothing to them, and expect them to spend money on him??? I should've stayed gone when he broke up with me on my bday in 2010.
Jan 15 - 4PM (Reply to #5)
Angela79
Angela79's picture

29 is definitely old enough

29 is definitely old enough to know better! My husband is 39 and acts like an 18 year old. It's not their age, it's their lack of maturity, their narcissism, and alcoholism. My husband has also left me on 2 NYE's and ruined plenty of other holidays, birthdays, and special events. He forgets his mom's birthday and mothers day almost every year! I hate to say this, but my husbands parents KNOW what they are dealing with and they still enable his behavior. They have loaned him lots of money, to never be paid back. He went to a counselor and said they"abused" him as a child and that is why he "is the way he is". Then he confronted them with this, they were floored, confused, and hurt by this lie. He lies to them, uses and abuses them the same way he did me. But guess what, they are his parents! They still love him. They will always think he can change. They will never turn their back on him. no matter how much they KNOW there is a problem, it doesn't matter. Don't make the mistake I did and end up marrying this guy. Trust me, 8 years later and I don't even know who I am anymore because I got so caught up in being Mrs. N! I hope you can stay strong if he does come back. You definitely deserve better. Good luck!
Jan 15 - 4PM (Reply to #6)
Phoenix72
Phoenix72's picture

Parenting....

Yes, it amazes me of how these parents can enable these "boys" the way that they do! I have two boys myself, 12 and 10, and they are more mature and more responsible than he probably could ever imagine! I just laughed the other day when he text me telling me how I am a deadbeat mom! REALLY??!!! Projection! His dad has told me many times of how much money he has thrown down the drain on this clown. His brother, the schizo, is more sane than he is! I honestly don't think I will hear from him for a while. I do remember going through his phone on several occasions and seeing where he had contacted several of his exes. Well, there response, if they did respond, was either "I told you to leave me the hell alone" or "who is this??". ha! I should've taken that as a sign to run like hell then!!!
Jan 15 - 5PM (Reply to #7)
Angela79
Angela79's picture

Ahhh yes, took me a while to

Ahhh yes, took me a while to catch onto PROJECTION! They are not worth it.I keep telling myself he did me a favor by leaving...one day I will believe it! I went NC with my husband in December. He continued to contact me. I filed for divorce on December 27th. He texted me, called me in a rage that night and I haven't heard from him since. He showed everyone of his head's that night and was enough to sustain me for awhile. As much as it hurts, I know it is for the best. You have to Try hard to not care what he is doing and who with. It doesn't matter anyway. They are going to do what they do, whether we care or not! My motto is...he didn't care when we were together, he's definitely not going to care now! I stopped thinking about when or if he would come back. I need to heal myself. That way when/if he does, I can be strong enough to tell him to go away!
Jan 15 - 12PM (Reply to #3)
needing2know
needing2know's picture

mommy and daddy won't live

mommy and daddy won't live forever! Then what? they take and take and take. Sorry you are here, but you will get much support! Stay away from him now and do for yourself now, you will be much better off. We all are!
Jan 15 - 1PM (Reply to #4)
Phoenix72
Phoenix72's picture

Agree

That's what I've tried to tell him about his parents. His mom is in her late 70s and his dad is 70. But classic NPD style, he does not think past the current day. He doesn't think what will he do when they are gone. I think that's when he will hit rock bottom!