PhoebeR's story

I am new here and want to say how relieved i am to know i am not alone. I have been married for almost 9 years to a man i have discovered to be a narcissist. This was revealed to me after months of therapy. My first thought was "crap", well it was a little more harsh then that, but i was shocked and scared. How did i not know?

He and i have been having problems for the last two years. It started with him being distant and then turning away from me in the area of intimacy and sex. It was also timed with us trying to have a baby, well actually, i am was the only one trying. The lack of sex showed me he was not on board with the whole baby thing, which was so hurtful.

He revealed to me earlier this year that he is not sure he ever loved me like a wife, and that this whole time he has been afraid to be a dad. So, after much therapy and soul searching i have decided to divorce him.

I am only beginning this journey, and it's hard and it hurts, everyday. We are still in the same house, but not in the same bedroom, to look at him hurts. But we are trying to be cordial. He says he does not want this to be ugly. So everyday continues to be a struggle. I am so hurt because i always loved him.

Will it get easier?
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First let me say how happy I am to be a part of this group. I have been married to a intellectual narcissist for almost 9 years. I started therapy earlier this year to discuss issues with getting pregnant, I soon found out the real issue was my marriage. For the last 2 years or so, there has been no intimacy. He would turn away from me when sex was initiated. I felt ugly, and alone. When i brought it up he would say he can't just turn it on we are on different schedules. When we did have sex it was always a if he was doing me a favor. On valentines day after he looked at me and said "you needed that" I felt terrible. It was not until therapy that i realized how bad things were. During this time he revealed to me that he never really loved me like a wife, and that he has always been afraid to have kids. All of this was a surprise to me. At that point i knew things would never be the same. Like many of you I blamed myself, thought something was wrong with me. Felt alone and betrayed.

I did not know he was a narcissist until my therapist told me. I was sad, angry, scared. So many emotions. Looking back the signs were there and it all makes sense. He always said no one understood him, he has no friends, other then my friends. He had to be right, when things are said or stated he always has to add "well actually its like this.." Sex and intimacy was great when e first met. One of the reasons I fell for him was the fact that he was so smart, now i see the arrogance. I never thought of myself as being abused, but i know emotionally i have been.

I have decided to divorce him. He knows, he says he accepts it but his actions dont show it. I asked him to move out of the bed room, after about a month he did. I have told him i will keep the house, and after much struggle he has agreed to move out, but has yet to go. He keeps making things up about moving, how the process works, tries to scare me about finances. When i confront him, he rages. Although i know he would never hurt me, it scares me sometimes.

Everyday is a struggle, but i know in the end this the best thing for me. It's great knowing I am not alone.