A phenomena of recovery

Isnt it interesting that when we post a story about drama and suffering and going back and forth and the chaos, etc, we all post and commune and support and ruminate (including me btw, I am not immune). But when a post comes in about how well we are doing and how great the life is going it gets hardly a response. I know we are happy for the person who has healed and moved on, that isnt the point of my post tonight. I just wanted to share that the past few days have been wonderful for me in many new and different ways. And I'm not even getting laid.

I am getting over the drama and chaos. I am starting to catch myself smiling about nice simple pleasures. Like freedom. Like self respect. Like the value of taking good caring insightful direction. Like the kind of direction that Lisa proposes in her steps....truly steps to freedom and liberation of the spirit that was trapped inside for so so long. I am so happy that I dont have to explain myself to anyone anymore. I dont listen to the rantings and ravings of a sick disordered person anymore, and for that I have her to thank. Thank you narc for cheating on me and forcing me to do the things I didnt think I had the courage to do. I have been undone and taken apart by this experience. Torn to tattered shreds, just ask the couple of friends and family members who stood by me. A year ago May a best friend wanted me to check myself into a psych hospital because I had a morning when I couldnt stop crying. I am a man and we dont do that kind of stuff. Looking back I am so grateful that I had that experience and didnt run from it. That morning was a defining moment for me. I was lost and afraid, but I knew something had my back covered. My perception had become skewed and narrow. I could see nothing good ever coming to me, because I was so focused on making the one person in my life that was dark see the light. I so desperately wanted the power to change my situation, but change it on my terms, with my agenda, by my script. I wanted control of my life on my terms. I think I cried that need away that morning. It was an unintentional surrender. I have had many of those this past year and a half. Fighting and resisting truth and ultimate freedom almost took me out. I was insane, thinking staying enslaved in a sick relationship was going to give me what I needed. I was partially blind to the possibility that there might be another way out of the mess that had become my life. But in the darkest hours some force had my back, loving me until I could learn to love myself. It took everthing I had, but I survived. And I grew. And my perceptions started to change. Oh so slowly sometimes. Much of this I can share and understand only by looking back. It is as if I was living in a hallway, kinda knowing there was a house on the other side of the many doors that appeared closed to me. But the doors slowly started to open. Some for a moment or two, some longer only to appear to close again. And the process continued. My life now is full of many rooms, all with lots of windows to look out onto this wonderful world from. And it is so beautiful most of the time. I still wander back into the hall from time to time, kinda familiar in there, some days the open windows and opportunities get kinda overwhelming and I need a rest. But believe me when I tell you, my views and perceptions have been irrevocably altered through this humbling experience, and all for the better. God wants us all to be happy joyous and free, and I for one just didnt know what that looks like. Know I kinda do, most of the time.

Thanks to you all for being such wonderful teachers to me!

Done sourcing