pebblez' story

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#1 May 26 - 12PM
pebblez
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pebblez' story

First off I want to let go but I'm still "In Love". Im 26, a first time mom ( baby is now 2 months -- when i left the first time he was only a week old.) and this is my 2nd time "leaving" my narcissist father of my child. I did NC for 2 weeks but then I answered. He said he wanted to leave the door open for us to be friends & communicate & if we are ment to be we will be. How can u be my friend now & u werent willing to do so when we lived together 4 the sake of my son?

Is this just so I dont put him on child support? Im torn in two and I KNOW he's still dealing with other women ( have access to his voicemail)-- but like I said Im still in love. What do i do? I know I should let go but I wanted my son to live with both parents so i put up with all the crap verbal & sometimes physical. Yet I still want him to love me-- he proposed to me twice & still nothing.

What does he want? Is he stringing me along? What do I do? This hurts so much.

May 26 - 1PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

welcome pebblez

- PLEASE go through ALL the pages on 'Message Board' as I have loaded it with articles and your questions have probably already been asked and answered many many times. Click through the pages and read what interests you. You'll get up to speed and learn a LOT. PLEASE do this BEFORE asking questions. - You're not in Love. You're scared & hypnotized. Get a lawyer NOW and file for support (many will take it with no money) but get AWAY from him NOW!!! - PLEASE read the stories of others. This alone is one of the most validating things you can do. Far too many become completely wrapped up in their own drama... which just makes it all worse. - PLEASE read through our WHOLE blog: http://www.lisaescott.com/blog - chock full of articles about Ns and healing. It will answer many questions before you ask them. PLEASE read the Rules prior to posting. Thanks - listen to our free radio show - archived at: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/allabouthim Remember this board is NEVER to be used as a replacement for therapy. Please find a therapist and start going if you feel the need for whatever level of PTSD he's given you ASAP! Find a lawyer - make a plan and GET OUT! remember: YOU did nothing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING wrong.
May 26 - 12PM
sanctuary
sanctuary's picture

Pebblez....I'm sure Barbara

Pebblez....I'm sure Barbara will have a lot more to say about this. To me the long and short of this is that it doesn't matter if he's an N or not. If there is abuse; verbal, emotional. physical, or any other kind get out now!! It's your job to protect your son....period. I promise you that it never gets better. Very few abusers, something like less that 2% ever change at all. If he's an N/S/P they can't change. Just remember, children learn what they live. I'm the mother of four so I do have some experience in this. Do you want your beautiful new son to learn abusive behavior or to be abused himself? I know you don't or you wouldn't be here asking for help. Learn from this board and Barbara will be able to give you some very concrete things you can do to get that help.
May 26 - 1PM (Reply to #9)
Scoop
Scoop's picture

Pebblez

Pebblez its so hard being in love with someone who doesnt treat you well . I know what it is like to have a man be abusive but you cant turn your feelings off like a switch . My guy got phsycaly abusive once and that was the begining of the end for me . I knew the minute he hit me was the point of no return . I dont think there has ever been a case where a man hits his partner just the once , the norm is once they do it once they will do it again . If you stay with us here in a few months with lots of reading and help the love that you feel right now will turn to hate .. trust me ... only a few short months ago i was where you are now . The key to it all is No Contact . you need to de program your self from him and his sick lies and the only way you can do that is staying away and stop listerning to him . Its very hard to do but there is great suport here . Thinking of you at this time Scoop x
May 26 - 1PM (Reply to #7)
pebblez
pebblez's picture

no you're right. I dont

no you're right. I dont want my baby to be an abuser much less be abused. But i just feel so bad because he has two older kids (5 & 3) and he adores them ( although he only has them 2 weeks out of the month. He stayed with their mom for 8 yrs. and I was with him for 1 yr. total but my baby was a day short of 2 weeks before i originally left so i feel like why didnt he try to be a good person for us? I helped take care of his 2 kids & loved them as my own so i dont understand. He said we had so many problems because i was pregnant & emotional-- im not pregnant anymore. now he says that being with me "stresses him out & hes not going to die from stress". does he think i wasnt stressed caring for his children & being pregnant & on bed rest caring for him & his Fibromyalgia? Im so confused!!! does shoving & twisting your arm back mean hes abusive? also he called me names & we didnt have sex since January. How can he treat me so poorly and i still love him but I did everything to try and make him happy & he doesnt care about me but can be so sweet to these other women who think Im the bad guy?
May 26 - 1PM (Reply to #8)
Scoop
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"dose shoving and twisting

"dose shoving and twisting your arm back mean hes abusive" ... YES Pebblez IT DOSE !!!!! He proberly told you it was your fault he lost his temper right ?... something like "if you didnt stress me out so much i wouldnt get so mad ".... Hang on in there as others members will write . Scoop
May 26 - 1PM (Reply to #2)
sanctuary
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P.S. My ExN has spent

P.S. My ExN has spent almost 10K for a lawyer just so he doesn't have to pay me support for our daughter who lives with me full time. That's not the kind of parent I want around my children.
May 26 - 1PM (Reply to #3)
pebblez
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sanctuary-- I feel the same

sanctuary-- I feel the same way. thats why im considering going to court for custody . I want sole custody because he cant care for his other 2 kids alone. but at the same time i know a legal battle will be emotionally draining & im scared. also what gets to me is i left most of our possessions behind. There very well may be another woman/women sleeping in MY bed!!! its a terrible thought.
May 27 - 9AM (Reply to #6)
sanctuary
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Barbara is right. Get a

Barbara is right. Get a lawyer right now!! I didn't, I tried to work it out etc and I'm still trying to get him out of our lives almost 10 yrs later!! I wish I had gotten a lawyer right away. I know how you feel about another woman in your bed. I found out there was one on MY bed while I was helping take care of my father when he was dying of cancer. (BTW, it was my fault she was there because I was gone according to the ExN.) A lawyer can help you get your stuff back. To be honest, I'd walk out of my house right now and leave everything (but the dogs) if it meant he would be out of our lives for good!! My heart goes out to you. It is very emotional to start with and then add a new baby...I'm sorry you have to go through this. You have support here. Take the steps to protect yourself and your son. It NEVER gets better.
May 26 - 5PM (Reply to #5)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

pebblez

your child is COUNTING on you your abuser is COUNTING on you being scared so get a lawyer ASAP - a real bulldog - take 2-3 free consults but do it ASAP http://www.lawyers.com/Child-Custody/browse-by-location.html ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller
May 26 - 3PM (Reply to #4)
Healingnow
Healingnow's picture

pebblez, all of this is

pebblez, all of this is scarey and you are very brave. All the hormones that are around after having your baby are wanting you to be with the father of your child. I read somewhere once that biologically we are built to stay with the father until the child is around 4 years old. It must have been such a wrench to leave. Many don't and certainly not so early on. We have all doubted ourselves and blamed ourselves for what has gone on but mostly cos that is what they tell us has happened. We are at fault, that is what abusers do so that they don't look at themselves. It is hell going no contact in the begining I just wanted to die it hurt so much. I cried and cried and couldn't care for my kids. At 26 so are saved and that is brill, fantastic. You have lots of time to bring up a lovely boy to grow into a respectful man and that it all in your power. That is not possible with a man who bends your arm behind your back cos it will be more in the future. The worst thing is that your mind will go to mush with the brainwashing. Eventually we neglect our kids cos we are so preoccupied with the abuser. You saved your son from so much damage here and you are now creating a great life for your future grandchildren too. This stuff gets passed on more easily than it gets changed.