My escape from 26 yrs of emotional abuse
I have been married to an emotionally abusive ma for 26 years. Throughout our marraige I have been tortured by this man. On Dec 17, 2011 I moved out and into an apartment while he was at work. I have been through hell to get to this point.
The early years of marraige he was very critical. Critical of everything from what I bought at the grocery store to the meals I made, where i parked the car anything and everything. After my mother died he got worse. I am an only child and my Dad had died before I met my husband. There was no one to check up on me so it got worse. He would tell me that he was "going to throw me back in the gutter"when the kids were grown. He would make comments about how many more years of hell he would have to endure. i felt trapped i only worked part time and had 2 little girls where would i go how would i support them? He also would threaten that he would get the kids. As the girls got older they began to speak up about the way he treated me. I was ashamed of the example I was giving them. If I fought back it got worse if I stayed silent I was feeling like a doormat.
It got worse as the two older left for college. He had no filter in front of our youngest. Things peaked when he snapped and grabbed my neck and shoved me againt the fridge. That was 2 years ago. I asked him to leave and go to his parents he refused. I asked him to go to counciling he refused. He was defiant and dismissive. I went to counciling by myself. At first the couseluer was giving me things to try to set boundaries and stand up for my basic rights as a human being. I actually wrote a list and gave it to my husband. He thought of it as a joke.
For the last 2 years we slept in different rooms. If I shut the bedroom door he would burst it open several times a night sometimes waking me out of a dead sleep. If I was in the bathroom he would open the door. Some nights he would verbally harass me whispering mean things knowing if I raised my voice our daughter would wake up. He hid his paystubs and locked money in a lockbox. He was financially abusing me by withholding money for groceries and demanding an accounting of my pay which was 1/3 of his. he told me if my car broke down don't call him. he called me names lots of names constantly then would ask me 'oh you want to go get a pizza later" this kept me off balance and questioning what was going on. One night after bad treatment I asked him what he would do if one of his daughters were treated the way he treated their mother. his response was that they wouldnt get treated badly because they wouldnt act like me.
I decided at that point that I needed to get out and worked on getting stronger. i bought some books on emotional and verbal abuse by Patricia Evans. That and the counseling got me stronger. I also had a support sytem of friends. I saved money little by little. I got a po box and my own account at a different bank. i started quietly looking for apartments. I actually has a retired friend go to look at one on my behalf. There were many roadblocks on my journey but I didn't give up.I found an apartment filled out the application. to my dismay the sign came down and I didn't get called. I was heartbroken. I was working two jobs scrapping together what I could. The sign went back up on the apartment. My friend called the landlord and was told that they were going to rent it to someone and it fell through.She knew the landlord and the landlord told her that they didnt give it to me because they didn't think I made enough money. She pleaded my case and that afternoon I got a call from the landlord that I could have the apartment. It would be ready mid December. This was becoming real. Things at home were bad. I told him that I found an apartment and I was moving out when our older daughter comes home from college. At first he seemed to accept it. I told him it was breathing space, that we could go to counseling etc. The day I got the keys he called me and asked where I was. Everything at that point blew up. He was drunk and angry. Our daughter was staying over her friends house and there was no way I was going home alone. My best friend was with me so we went to the apartment. She was very encouraging. All the while he was calling telling me I better get the apartment ready fast. That night I slept on an air mattress in that apartment. I could have went to my friends house but I didn't. he called several times accusing me of cheating calling me a liar telling me that I better get my stuff out. The next day I picked up my duaghter like nothing happened and we went back to the house. I told her nothing. I slept in her room that night. He was silent. The next day my friend bought me a boxspring and mattress and her husband brought a bedframe and small tv to the apartment. i went back to the house and my husband would not open the door. My daughter came running to the door and made him open it. he went on a rampage about people helping and how they better watch their backs. All of this was done in front of our 13 yr old daughter. he called me a fat ugly bitch. I slept in her room that night and he went stomping off into the spare room slamming the door. i looked at her and told her we are leaving. The next mrning he went to work and we packed up what we could. I got a neighbor and her husband to come over with a truck and he took apart my daughters bed and we left with our clothes, a lamp, a rocking chair,and things that I had been putting aside. I left a note. When he got home all hell broke lose. I told him when he calmed down he would see his daughter and that he needed to get control of himself first.
It has been a long road and there is much more to my story but I feel this is too lengthy already.