You Didn't Break Him...

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#1 October 28, 2009 - 10:20am
Anonymous (not verified)
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You Didn't Break Him...

In the book "Broken Open" by Elizabeth Lesser, she writes that you didn't break them and you can't fix them. This is a truth that has helped me understand how the person I once loved was wrecked before I ever met him and no matter how much I loved him and tried to help fix him, it was never going to happen.

Personality damaged people are severely broken and they use "cracked" character defects to draw us unto them. We feel sorry for the little boy that was hurt and neglected. We are attracted to the man who has been misunderstood by so many women. We are certain that we can love him and understand him like nobody ever has. Unconsciously, we play the part of an emotional Florence Nightingale who will bind all his wounds with the bandages of compassion and absolute devotion.

We end up becoming a decaying mummy, wrapped in the cloth of his cruelty and entombed in a psychopathic pyramid that has been sealed shut. Our only hope out of this early emotional grave is to stop the delusion that we were special enough to have made a difference in his life.

October 28, 2009 - 5:28pm
tasha
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yes

That's what I thought, I can take the pain away, I can make it better because I understand you and empathise with your suffering and pain. How wrong I was. It was a delusion-I wasn't special enough to have made a difference. I always thought I was strong and considered my empathy and big heart as one of my best qualities. So it hammered my ego, when with him-it did'nt make a difference. I took a while for me to believe that there was nothing I could have done to fix him or make the relationship work. And acknowlege that I was just 'supply' to him.
October 28, 2009 - 2:36pm
quietude (not verified)
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the little boy/girl

This is the only reason I have a shred of empathy for my ex; HOWEVER, not everyone abused grows up as to be an abuser. Several of us here are prime examples. Mine told me his father was an abusive alcoholic, and some of the things he did to him...they were severe, it was heartbreaking to hear. Whether it's true or not? Who knows, but if it is, it's NO excuse to abuse others.
October 28, 2009 - 4:16pm (Reply to #6)
Barbara (not verified)
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quietude

as an ACON I grew up seriously emotionally, mentally & physically abuse. I do not abuse others. And I realized something was wrong, got help and WORK(ED) on it! So NOOOO sympathy for them ~~~~~~~~~~~~ My Abuse Information Site Online Coaching & Help
October 28, 2009 - 5:02pm (Reply to #7)
Rose-Marie (not verified)
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Same here

Same here Barbara. My father was narcissistic and behind closed doors would belittle and bring down other people (neighbours etc). Because I lived in that environment I began to behave in a similar way - until one day a friend brought me up sharply and said to me that unless I could say something nice about someone, I should not say anything at all. For some reason her words hit home and I stopped there and then. Rosy
October 28, 2009 - 2:00pm
4joys (not verified)
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Wow. This is so true. I

Wow. This is so true. I still have moments of love for him. I wonder what he is doing and how he is. But I remain no contact. Over time I hope I wonder less and less. I DID want to fix him. He asked for my help. When someone you love asked for help, you help. But I didnt know he was messed up this badly, where he would turn on me and try to destroy me.
October 28, 2009 - 11:43am
Ellen
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Tjhankyou Shelley

I need to think of that one often. The problem is that i never realised how hurt he was from his childhood, but it had to have started somewhere. In fact, he has been going around saving others. He tried to save me but i didn't need it cos i was already working on me. I kept throwing it back at him and then he left cos it didn't work. I don't want to be a wrapped up mummy thanks.
October 28, 2009 - 2:24pm (Reply to #2)
Shelley (not verified)
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thanks Ellen

Wow, Ellen! What you said made me remember something that he used to say...with this odd grin on his face he'd say "everybody loves a rescue mission." That appealed to me because I wanted to rescue him. He often said he needed someone to take care of him and being a caregiving person, I took the bait. But the more I cared and gave, the more he began to say I was smothering him. If I backed off from doing too much or expressing how much I loved him, he would resort to vicious name-calling, which implied that I was abandoning him. All part of the insanity of the narcissistic psychopath pattern!!
October 28, 2009 - 4:28pm (Reply to #3)
itreallyisabouthim
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Mine had a "Leave it to

Mine had a "Leave it to Beaver" ideal 1950's upbringing. Mom stayed home and Dad went to work, everything seemed ideal. Never heard anything about his childhood that would explain his issues. So I was never tempted to feel sorry for him. More made him seem all the more pathetic because he had no excuse for being such an a**. I think it's more genetic in my STBX's case. His sister was terribly ill - bipolar and committed suicide.