The worst narc of all time - help?

Hi there guys,

I found this blog and I would sure love to ask some questions and get females advice if having ever been in this situation. I will give you a cliffs note version and ANY advice would be great to hear.

My ex was a narc I am pretty sure - and these is at least the 3rd time I am going through this - I am desperate for some advice. I'm sorry it's long in advance but help is really needed here!

My ex and I started dating about 3/4 weeks after her father passed away a year and a half ago (may of 2015). Her father was her best friend and I unfortunately happened to fall for someone that was going through a really rough time, something I couldn't even imagine.

When we first started dating it was like love at first sight, it was an automatic connection. I could feel it from her and she could feel it from me, but I was more of the cold hearted person... as in, didn't give much emotion and she knew that. I said I am more cold hearted, you most likely wont get in, but I'm a good person. Automatically within the first month of talking/dating she was a drinking monster, as in drank and was just a cruel person saying the most awful things for no reason. SO - I would say forget it, you're in no spot to be in a relationship right now, we can be friends... well she was able to convince me and I fell, HARD. 3 months of paradise went by, and I mean paradise. She was an actual beautiful person and made me feel warm, something I have never felt before. for these three months, I was her summer distraction from life and I'm assuming the loss of her father. She would write me notes, express emotions that I didn't even like expressing - soon I was then head over heals.

September came around and she started going down hill, addicted to drugs and drinking. She would mentally abuse me and torture me, saying the cruelest things you could imagine. Each time I said no forget it, she would say wait - I have a problem expressing emotions, I don't want to lose you so I push you away. You're the best thing in my life, I cant understand why I'm treating you so bad, my dad would be so mad at me. My dad thinks were soul mates, etc. Little by little she would f*ck up more and more with drinking, and was a hot and cold roller coaster. TOXIC. one second she would say I hate you, no I love you, no I want someone else, no wait I want to marry you, I'm going to kill my self etc, I never left because I just loved her too much and I didn't want to give up on her at all. Each time she hurt me she would come back with, don't leave me, help me, I love you so much... I just get scared and push away instead of show you love so I hurt you before you can hurt me, I don't know why you love me so much I'm not a good person right now, blah blah. I took it - I never left and was always there, I never hurt her back with words ever. In my mind, If I love you, regardless... you will always have a spot in my heart and I will not leave you, I will be there next to you and behind you... to walk through this and to lean back if you need to fall...

Feb comes around and she cheats on me, after two weeks of constant trying because she messed up. She cheats and then says after that weekend "i cant be with you, youll find someone else, I don't want anyone" (keep in mind I had no idea that she cheated on me, I just thought she was dumping me for no reason and because her dads one year anniversary was coming up). A couple of weeks go back and this girl DESTROYS ME, and I mean exactly those words... WW3 for no reason. She would turn around and say "i hate you, you're an awful person, I cant stand you, I don't love you, I never loved you, it was all lies, well never be together again you make me sick to my stomach, you don't have my best interest I never loved you the way you loved me" (imagine that ten times worse). About 12 hours after sayng all of that, she would call me back and say I love you, why don't you love me, I need you, I'm sad about my dad, say you love me, I love you.... a sick toxic game. She would dump me and come back maybe 5-6 days later, then a week, then two weeks... until it got longer and longer. Every time she needed me (even when we were broken up) and she was upset about her dad, etc, I would ALWAYS pick up and be there in a heart beat (we lived four hours away from each other - but I would come the moment she needed me)

I'm sure you can imagine where this is going next... I took it, and took it, but she still destroyed me. During those couple of weeks of her destroying me I find out she screwed two other people.... and still was destroying me and making me feel awful about myself lol... I'm sure you can only imagine how destroyed I was. She says "i cant be with anyone right now" about a few weeks go by and shes dating a guy now. She turns around and says, well hes better I shouldn't be with you, hes the right choice you're toxic, and I shouldn't be with you but I love you and you're all I think about. well - she plays this game until I say NO, were done leave me alone... then she comes back and says ok ok ok, no lets meet up. We meet up, make love and then a week later she cheats on me on our one year anniversary with someone else and tells me through a text. LOL.

Me being heart broken I blow her phone up. she tells me once more "i cant be with anyone anymore, I need to work on myself" - and 2 weeks later I'm meeting her brand new girlfriend in a club in which HER NEW GIRLFRIEND CAME UP TO ME, and said wow, your ex said you were crazy and toxic (she apparently told her friends I was this awful person too ) - she said all this stuff about you etc. Well long story short, they dated for about four months... and through those four months I heard from my ex maybe three/four times tops.

After four months I ended up running back to her because I was broken and missed her for god knows what reason. When I come back, she blames it all on me saying I am the toxic one, I am the awful one, we were not good together, I destroyed her and made her the worst version of herself, (basically everything I should have been saying to her but never did) - so she destroys me saying all this stuff and then calls me crying saying she loves me and only thinks about me. she ends up dumping her girlfriend and leaving her flat out and comes back to me, breaking this girls heart - saying I'm in love with my ex, and she will always have the most special place in my heart. IM SURE YOU CAN IMAGINE WHERE THIS IS GOING.

we got back together. she tells me the girl she was with for four months was a great friend but nothing more, she said she hated having sex with her, that she was ugly, that she thought about me every day and had such a hard problem with not being together, she missed me every day... but never came back.... shocking. The moment I said I dated someone else, and tried to move on, SHE LOST IT... and it was automatically back on me... as if her cheating and leaving me for someone ELSE wasn't worse than me moving on after she dumped and hurt me....

I ended up believing it... she ends up telling her friends the truth about everything that happened and we were together for three months, and during these three months it was talks of "i love you, I'm going to marry you, you make me so happy, I don't know what I would do without you, if you died I couldn't live, I love you so much I cant wait to move in with you," would send me baby pictures, and rings, etc then just ended it. she would tell me i want my ex (the girl she left me for four months for) to see how in love I am with you, because its you, its always going to be you - then just left AGAIN. but during hte time she was saying all of this, ME being ME and put through all she did, I didn't trust her and walked on egg shells and was not my confident self, I was extremely insecure because she left me so many times and cheated, I would fight with her when I didn't believe her, and I mean... can you blame me for all the damage she put me through? In my mind she should have been walking on broken glass to prove her love to me. Well - she apparently had no more use for me, she completely dumped me saying " i dont feel the same for you anymore, you dont make me happy, you chose to stay and work with me and i chose to leave, please respect that" and blocked me and went back to the girl she initially left me for (the girl she dated for four months).... so here I am writing this.

she completely blocked me and is back with this other girl, she took her back because god only knows what lies she told her. She completely blocked me and about a week after us breaking up, my grandma suddenly died... I emailed her and all I got back was a "sorry for your loss." and absolutely nothing else and THAT is when I realized how sick and twisted she was, but yet I am still hurting very badly from this. I feel so god damn worthless, and its like well.. I gave you literally EVERYTHING I had to offer and treated you like a queen and kissed the ground you walked on... I never left.. but she was able to do this to me... and I haven't heard one word.

all my friends say, I promise you she will be back but you cannot take her back. ALL my friends say, the moment you move on is the moment shell be at your door step. All my friends say she will regret it and you will be the one that got away because you loved her unconditionally and put up with so much... but in the end, so what? it doesn't hide the hurt....

basically my question is... does this sound like a narc?
will I one day hopefully feel better? I am haunted by nightmares and awful feelings - I know I deserve better but its the fact that I was treated so awful.

do you think my ex will come back at some point so I can actually have the balls to SAY no this time? do these kind of people always come back (she always use to then she stopped...)