Why do they target us?

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#1 Sep 16 - 10AM
Anonymous (not verified)
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Why do they target us?

Hi. It has been over a year since I was with the Narcissist. I have been dating someone for two months who I just ended it with because I believe he is also a Narcissist. My question is...Why do they target us? People say to me "Why do you keep picking these jerks?" Well the thing is I did not pick them. I was'nt even looking.
Can anyone relate?
Thanks

May 2 - 1PM
better off
better off's picture

Because we're awesome. :-)

Because we're awesome. :-)
Mar 2 - 6PM
Carolyn
Carolyn's picture

why do narcissists target us

Mainia: Narcissists are looking for someone who will be available to accept their problematic behavior. When you meet someone, dateable, for the first time and they tell you what the Mary Kay corporation trainers call the negative 'I' story beware. It is not normal to tell a new aquaintance a sad story right off the bat. What they are looking for is a woman who has sympathy and/or empathy. That is who they know will take their bad behavior. In the case of a woman who just says, "I am not interested in your latest divorce" and walks away that takes care of that but for the kind woman who says, "how terrible for you I hope it gets better" that takes care of that and he will definately ask you out. Don't allow people to tell you that you are a victim looking for trouble you are just a nice person being tricked and dealing with a very inteligent narcissist. Carolyn
May 2 - 1PM (Reply to #25)
better off
better off's picture

And that is exactly how it

And that is exactly how it went down for me... casual friends and then he tells me his sad story and boom! That will never happen to me again.
May 1 - 9PM (Reply to #24)
grossot
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Very well said

Very well said Carolyn! :-) http://hubpages.com/hub/Married-to-a-Narcissist?preview nolongercontrolled
Sep 28 - 11AM
GageVanRyan (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Perhaps It's not actually

Perhaps It's not actually them but your lack of security? Thus, you immediatley label him a Narcissist. You may want to dig deeper and analyze your own desires and wants in a mate. It sounds as if you're attracting these men because of your own insecurities. FFT. Gage
May 2 - 4AM (Reply to #21)
AnotherPath
AnotherPath's picture

Don't agree with YOU at all.

Don't agree with YOU at all. But I'll leave it there and not waste time writing a response other than what I have.

Ending the dance

May 2 - 1PM (Reply to #22)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

don't worry

this person is NOT a member anymore ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller
Nov 1 - 3PM (Reply to #20)
Maina (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Thanks anyway

Hi Gage, No, I would never just label someone a Narcissist without good reason. I am a secure and independent woman and work in mental health so am well aware of Narcissism.
Sep 18 - 4PM
admin
admin's picture

Hi Maina, I can totally

Hi Maina, I can totally relate. This is a question that I think about often. I believe there are a couple of factors at play. One, most narcissists are charismatic and fun, thereby we're easily attracted to them. Two, if you're a giving and caring person, that's exactly what they look for in a person. Narcissists seek out giving and generous people when selecting a mate. I think they have a keen ability to scope out and find women that are very caring. I believe they target those that are the nurturing type, some may call it "codependent," but at the end of the day, some women are more nurturing than others. This is who they target. They're not interested in women that are going to take from them. The key is not to let your ex-narcissist(s) impact you in such a way that you stop being the caring and giving person you are and become a distrustful and cynical person. There are people out there who are capable of giving and receiving in a relationship. Try not to forget that and hang in there!
Sep 21 - 4PM (Reply to #2)
Maina (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Thank you

Thank you for your reply. It helps to know you can relate. I like how you said "They are not interested in women who will take from them." Makes sense how whenever I demanded or asked for something the Narcissist would be out the door. I guess this shows how selfish they are and that they are only in it for themselves. They only pretend in the beginning to reciprocate. Then when you are hooked and emotionally invested they become indifferent. I've always been very independent which is why it kind of surprises me that Narcissists target me. Would'nt you think they would be intimidated by this? I look forward to hearing your reply and from others who understand. Take care
Sep 22 - 4PM (Reply to #3)
admin
admin's picture

One would think a narcissist

One would think a narcissist would be intimidated by an independent woman, but if you think about it, an independent woman has a lot to offer and doesn't take much in return, right? This is who they seek out. The challenge for a narcissist is to find an independent woman who is caring and giving and then convince her to fall in love with him. Once accomplished, his true colors eventually surface.
May 1 - 9PM (Reply to #18)
Susan32
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My ex-N's wife

For 3 years, I went out to lunch, went to concerts/lectures with my ex-N. Then, 3 months AFTER I had declared my feelings (and got publicly humiliated,reduced to tears)... I go to a concert. And he's there with a female companion. His girlfriend from LA, who I didn't know existed. She looked like a carbon copy of me. She was a curator;she looked secure, independent--and in a sense, my twin. Now,being a curator requires A LOT more hard work (and REAL work) compared to being a "philosopher." When I met her only once,she struck me as a good person. Of course,I didn't tell her the Hell her boyfriend had put me through.
Sep 22 - 11PM (Reply to #4)
Maina (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

You are so right

Thank you. I guess it is a bigger accomplishment to reel in a successful, independent woman and then try to bring her down a few notches. They seem to be so jealous of the women they are with. It's like they pick someone who they know has more to offer than they do and then they dont' like that so they have to destroy you.
May 2 - 7AM (Reply to #5)
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

misogyny

These guys are misogynists. They are seeking a maternal & nuturing relationship because they are essentially 3 year olds emotionally. But, they are grown men with biologically driven sexual urges. They hate their intimate partner because she controls the sex supply, thereby, him (in his limited world view). But, on the other hand, they cannot bear to be parted from her as a 3 year old can hardly bear to be parted from the mother. This is not a mutually supportive relationship between equals. You are the mother held hostage by a bratty, spoiled & evil 3 year old. And, you are the slave, the possession, of a full grown man who cares about nobody or nothing other than himself & how much he can extract from the slave. Whether in child or master mode, YOU owe him what he wants & is entitled too--or else. Temper tantrums & destruction until YOU submit to his will & his reality of the world.
May 2 - 5PM (Reply to #17)
Susan32
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"You want to be the teacher!"

How purifying it is to give my ex-N's words the comment titles. I often felt with my ex-N it was a mother/son relationship, and I was the mother (despite being a good 15 years younger, my ex-N was 6 when Woodstock happened,FYI) It was embarrassing to see a man nearing 40 being "bratty, spoiled and evil." He did engage in the tantrums&destruction... incapable of acting like an adult, and I called him on that. How DARE a woman young enough to be his daughter show maturity and act like an adult! It's ironic he expected me to be like a child... when he was the spoiled one.
May 2 - 11AM (Reply to #6)
loveofmylife
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Wow Agnes

what you wrote may be the final piece of the puzzle I was looking for to understand why his life is the way it is. He has (at least) two that I know of lifetime emotional lovers. I thought I was THE ONE for him...but have since found out the real truth. I think that the two of us were his maternal and nurturing relationship. He desperately needs this although he pretends to not to. He pretends he is the one providing the support...but i can tell from his communications with the other mother that he was constantly looking for her to validate what he was doing and that he was "a good boy", even on the smallest of things. but he would constantly flatter her to keep the supply coming. Then, he has the sexual relationships that really mean nothing to him in the scheme of things. The fake GFs as I call them. 2 months to 18 months over the last 8 years...but never really fully committed...breaking up and coming back, etc, etc. Never talks about them and never takes them anywhere where others would see them. They are very secret and just see eachother "in the dark". He never really fully relies on this GF but keeps his sexual options open...I guess that is so that no single person can control the supply? He can always get it even if things are bad with the GF? Although on chemistry.com he said that he was looking for a "real" relationship and said all the right things...I think it was more like a more respectable way to ensure he has many women lathered up and ready to go if his sex supply was cut off. YOU owe him what he wants & is entitled too--or else. Temper tantrums & destruction until YOU submit to his will & his reality of the world. Wow - this is how I have felt...if I don't pay him EXACTLY on time...even though we are borderline bankrupt and he knows (thats why we were both brought in) I have to put in personal $ to pay him, he fires off hateful emails to me as if I am intentionally holding $ from him, when he knows it does not exist and that I am having to put in personal $ to pay him. Even though this was supposed to be a relationship of equals, we were supposed to be a team and partners...but what that really means is that I sacrifice everything and he demands everything. I
May 2 - 9PM (Reply to #12)
Susan32
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Sacrificing everything,and he demands everything

That's what I FINALLY told my ex-N once I had the backbone and the nerve. He claimed his bad behavior was merely mirroring my own... but everyone saw it. And oh, BTW, reducing a woman to tears in public IS NOT MANLY--if a woman is in tears (a)take her somewhere less public or (b)de-escalate it. But he did neither.
May 2 - 10PM (Reply to #13)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

they do NOT CARE

exNH did the same thing... I lost it in a big restaurant he did NOTHING until another man embarrassed him to "hug her, dude!" exNH then got up to go to the bathroom and this whole table came over and asked what he did/ said. When he came back he tried to say I was "making a fool of myself." Two MEN at the table said "the only fool here is YOU dude!" exNH got furious and left. 2 of the couples drove me home. ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller
May 2 - 11PM (Reply to #15)
hitandrun
hitandrun's picture

OMG Barbara

What a total a$$. I am not quite there in believing they are not human,but give me time. It's just because my abuse experience was so subtle until the end and after. Wish those guys at the restaurant had flushed your exNH's head in the toilet!!!!
May 2 - 11PM (Reply to #16)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

yes

I had severe post-partum depression and was bleeding out from the backlash of my PCOS coming back - and this is how he treated me. I will NEVER forgive or forget. Never. I am indifferent to him. have you read my story? I don't talk much about exNH... yet ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller
May 2 - 11PM (Reply to #14)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Not caring

I think people were genuinely stunned to see my ex-N reduce me to tears. After 3 years of what looked like a peaceful, even perfect, relationship, was self-destructing before everyone's eyes. I feel a sense of vindication that he DID look like a fool in everyone's eyes,including those of his colleagues. (Sometimes I'm curious these 10 years later, but I don't have the time for the research) When it was revealed that my ex-N ALREADY had a girlfriend, guess what? My friends rallied around me. Of course, my ex-N was genuinely SHOCKED.
May 2 - 6PM (Reply to #7)
better off
better off's picture

Don't you ever put one more

Don't you ever put one more penny of your money in his pocket. Ever again. I thought he refi'd his house, the big liar. And is taking YOUR money. Is there another person on your payroll you are paying with your own money??
May 2 - 7PM (Reply to #8)
loveofmylife
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$

I think it is more of a matter of principal with him. He demands to be paid on time, and he doesn't care where the $ comes from. Even though no other vendor is paid on time. So I dont think he needs it- but he demands that I do it on time. It is another control thing. Two weeks ago I had to put lots of my own $ in the company to keep things going....so theoretically lots of people are being paid from that. I think he is being so demanding about it too to make a point...that I should have accepted his $ to stay afloat and he is trying to teach me a lesson about it. So not sure if his intentions are all that sinister...
May 2 - 9PM (Reply to #11)
better off
better off's picture

F**k him, if no other vendor

F**k him, if no other vendor is getting paid on time, then he can get in line with them. Who cares what he "demands?" He's not in charge of you.
May 2 - 7PM (Reply to #9)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

stop that

not sure if his intentions are all that sinister... THEIR INTENTIONS ARE ALWAYS SINISTER!!! SNAP OUT OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller
May 2 - 9PM (Reply to #10)
better off
better off's picture

Agreed! And if he's

Agreed! And if he's "teaching you a lesson" (how is that not a sinister intention?)then maybe you need to teach him one. He doesn't own you and you don't work for him.