We know they are bad.. why so hard to let go?

I have spent hours upon days upon months upon years with this question and 7 years with and without my N. Currently in the devaluation phase of a cycle, been 2 months with No Contact and hoping this is the end. I had a rough day today, meaning trying very hard to NOT call him (bad habit). I've accumulated 60 "checks" in my journal for good behavior--each check is a day with NC, and don't want to wipe out my good effort. I keep reminding myself that showing him I don't give a damn is the ultimate revenge.

So, I think I have finally answered my own question and realized that for me, I kept going back after these awful cycles because I WAS WAITING AND HOPING FOR HIM TO VALIDATE WHAT WE HAD ALL THESE YEARS WAS REAL. Of course this validation never came. As a matter of fact, each time I went back it was easier for him to devalue me again because he was being conditioned to me coming back after each time, and I was being conditioned to go. One big manipulation..

No matter how bad it got, it seemed I was always the one to apologize or gloss over what had transpired and he was always waiting (lurking) for me to make the call. I can see now that this was the ultimate supply source for him.. He would lie, mistreat me, put me on a pedestal and then devalue and discard, I would go away, only to keep returning for a repeat of the cycle.

I was teaching him that his behavior was okay, and it was anything but.. I know he is waiting for me again. You would think knowing what I do it would be easier, and some days it is. On other days it is pure hell.. I am in the anger stage now, realizing just how bad he is. I have written down all the bad things from the last 7 years and read it every time I almost feel like calling him again. Does anyone else feel compelled to call their N, even though they know he is a very bad person?

I can only make the comparison to the story of "Dracula". He seduced his victims first in a very smooth manner, then sucked their blood. His victims actually enjoyed it for awhile, and they eventually lost their own souls/who they were before, and became vampires themselves.

The Narcs are different then ordinary lying, cheating men. They need to feed and the cycle of valuing, devaluing, discarding and then starting it again is just a way to recycle the same supply source over and over again. You MUST do NC to stop being fed upon.

The "N's.... they stalk the earth without a soul, inhumans...yes?