Total control required.

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#1 June 24, 2008 - 10:03am
Anonymous (not verified)
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Total control required.

Its good to see another web site on Narcissism and the sooner more people learn about it the better off a lot of people will be. For me and my friend we are in serious relationships with N's (unfortunately they are closely related) and so we have first hand experience as to how impossible they are to try to treat as normal people and to have a normal relationship.

She commented that she feels like a decapitated chicken, never knowing which way she is supposed to be turning next to try and keep the peace. I found that such a profound description. The eggshells are all around us, and we constantly try to avoid standing on them. We concern ourselves with making sure that we try to do everything "right", with no errors, lateness or time wasted, because that is how they have manipulated us to think we should be, and we never realised just how much control they have and expect, until we started talking about our situations, mainly because we were never allowed to discuss our lives with anyone. Its unbelievable how they try to hide how they treat us, and how angry they get when they are "found out".

It really is such a waste of a persons life, but I never knew about narcissism until someone pointed out to me that mine was a Sociopath, and I checked out the meaning of the word, and realised he was a Narcissist. I fell for the charm, the charisma, the adventure of travel, the excitement. Oh what charmers. Its unbelievable how they can tell their life stories and be so convincing that their stories are true. Now I know the whole truth and realise just who and what he is.

Now I understand that it is mental illness, and try to treat it as such. He can help what he is saying, but says why should he stop when he means everything he says, and doesn't care. He says he is the only person he cares about. His family has basically disowned him, so I guess he needs someone to care for him.

I am lucky enough to have a light at the end of this dark tunnel, but not so unfortunate as my friend who has nowhere to go, no likelihood of employment, so has to continue living with him. My friend and I are two nice intelligent
human beings, with feelings, and decency, and we both agree that if we knew then what we knew now, we would never have got ourselves into the situations we are in.

I see Red Flags everywhere I look now, and honestly cannot ever see a couple being happy. You always have that feeling that there has to be something hidden somewhere and that you will never trust a man again. This is my third narcissist and I am still learning and hope this will be the last lesson.

March 3, 2009 - 9:07am
Carolyn
Carolyn's picture

hi to oh to be free: You

hi to oh to be free: You are lucky in one respect you have someone else in the same boat with you so you don't feel totally crazy. One of the best things to watch in these men is their ability to make you a basket case and make everyone else think you are crazy. My ex-husband was a master at this. After the divorce I went on to do well and he sank like a stone. he was well educated, a professional, but his personality was so narcissistic he was fired from many jobs. Remember that there is evidence that this disorder is genetic and you and your friend are involved with men who are related. Can't you and your friend do a strategy that involves getting you both out? There has to be some way she can support her independence.
June 30, 2008 - 5:06pm
Lisa Scott (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Hi Ohtobefree, I love your

Hi Ohtobefree, I love your username. I'm so sorry you are going through this. You have experienced more than one narcissist, like I have. They sure know how to deceive, don't they? And charm, brilliantly charm us. It sounds, however, that you are taking steps to be free of your abusive narcissist and I'm happy to hear that. Please share with us what you're doing so we can all learn from you. Is the friend you mentioned whose in a relationship with a narcissist on this messageboard as well? She needs a lot of support right now so it's good she has you to lean on, but please encourage her to share on our forum as well. We have strength in numbers!
March 10, 2009 - 9:34am (Reply to #2)
GhostBuster
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Sociopath

That's interesting. After my 1st N, a friend said she thought he was a sociopath. I kind of scoffed (thinking he's not an animal abuser or anything...knowing little about sociopathy), but I too looked it up and found narcissism--where EVERYTHING fit. Jarringly so. But it was also a comfort when i found it--i had an explanation for his torture AND my reaction to the torture (anxiety, mild PTSD, insomnia, etc.) The healing could begin...