Struggling in Recovery

I was cheated on, suffered the smear campaign, and was discarded by my narc about 10 months ago. Although I have made progress, I am still struggling most days. I still think about this everyday. To this day I still feel my heart was ripped out of my chest.Its a gaping whole and it hurts. I am tired. Emotionally tired and drained. I do go to therapy and it helps. He turned so many people against me; people who knew how he was and still didnt stand up for me or what was right.They believed his lies. He destroyed my heart. He humiliated me.
At the time I didn't know he was a narc. I found later after the discard and looking up info on what I had went through. The first 6 months were great and I fell in love like never before but the last 3-6 months of our relationship (we were together for a year) was where he changed on me and I suffered a lot of the things that you women have on here. The blame, his excessive drinking, his narc and drunk rage (where he got physical with me), he constantly picked me apart, him talking bad about me behind my back, involving others in our arguments and putting the blame on me, putting me down to others to make me look like the bad guy, always hiding the truth of his actions to make me look crazy. He didn't listen to me, I felt alone in that relationship, that my needs were not important, and I was made to feel guilty for bringing up my needs. He was always trying to silence my voice if it wasn't what he wanted to hear or deal with.
All of my genuine efforts to fix our relationship and try to make him happy weren't recognized, appreciated, or seen for the good I was trying to do. He didn't like criticism and was very clear about how a woman should behave and what he wants. We clashed whenever I would stand up for myself and ask to be respected. He always made me feel like I was over reacting or asking for too much. Not to mention he was a trying to turn around after making poor decisions for his life in the past. But he blamed me for every time something was hard for him.
I made so many sacrifices in that relationship that he wouldn't do for me. He always had an excuse when it came to my needs. I felt so alone and like I was the only one trying. He always talked about not beinig appreciated or used by women and that when we met he made me feel like I was perfect for him and he was lucky to have me because he saw that I cared and loved him. But in the end I feel so misunderstood. I shouldn't have to sacrifice myself to protect his ego.
Even in the end when I blew up on him for cheating and walking out on me and treating me like crap and allowing the new girl to rub their relationship in my face and bash me, all he cared about is that I blew up on him (which he used against me and twisted my words to again to make me the bad). The only thing he would acknowledge is that he cheated because he couldn't refute it.
But even now I find myself having a hard time reconciling between the man I met and fell in love with and this person in the end. I'm angry at myself for not leaving sooner and accepting this was who he was. I feel so stupid for believing him, his lies, and promises to change and be better and that he was committed to our relationship. How could someone plan a life and a future and promise to love you and not hurt turn around and destroy you. And the worst part ---NOT CARE AT ALL
I do not know if the cheating or his complete lack of empathy and ability to just leave me with no genuine apology or remorse or acceptance of any fault killed me the more. It was at that moment that I fell into depression. I fell so bad I was suicidal and went to the hospital. All of which he knew and didn't say anything or seem to care. All that mattered is that he flipped everything on me and was mad that I went off on him. I harbored so much guilt for that and still struggle to this day with that. How do I not blame myself for his actions? I used to feel like I caused him to change or treat me the way he did. I cried so many nights in that relationship and out of it. And it hurts that the people around him don't know my struggle or care. I didn't go around bashing him or embarrassing him. They judged me but have know idea how I have suffered.
Does anyone have any advice on how to stop this mental torture. I just need to know this wasn't my fault. That the confusion and place of self-doubt they leave you in isn't permanent. (Sorry this is so long I didnt realize so much was going to come out)