Recovering from Emotional Rape

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#1 April 14, 2009 - 8:36am
Anonymous (not verified)
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Recovering from Emotional Rape

This makes a very insightful read:

http://www.keen.com/CommunityServer/UserBlogPosts/DZigns/Emotional-Rape-...

and this book seems to tackle the subject from A-Z, including various aspects of recovery:
http://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Rape-Syndrome-Survive-Avoid/dp/0963210319

You can view excerpts here:
http://www.emotional-rape.com/home.htm

Let's not let THEM win by becoming bitter, angry, loners. Forgive, yes. Forget, never. I'm starting anew today, one day at a time.

April 20, 2009 - 2:44pm
jenn99 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

their abuse

the N's abuse is very similar and methodical...because their P disorder seems to have the same basis, roots, and effect on them in a similar manner, it is kind of fascinating btu also tragic, and their tactics and techniques are the same as well...the most important way or method of getting away from these freaks seems to be to mete your dependence on them and find ways of ridding yourself of the brainwash and mental trauma they've done to you-- if you have friends, family members, and a suppotr group they can be done much easier than if you're alone....if you're alone however it's much harder, but do things you ordinarily wouldn't do...go out of the circle or box and change your life a little, and also do fun activities which can help heal you or your mind.... N's abuse is about creating trauma in a person in many different patterns and forms and it's a process to really get rid of it...and because it's linked with the unconscious mind so strongly, it's harder to have control of what exactly is happenign to you or the victim as far as therapy.. a good counselor helps too... does anyone though know or understand...how real or true the aspects of projection are i mean if an N projects onto you...is it certain they 'are' doing these things...something they're thinking or doing or have done... I assume it's what they are doing and of course...is horrific and disgusting....i know i still in contact with my N...but to hear some of these disgusting things...ie N claiming love and fidelity- yet calling me in the morning saying that im doing some sick sexual things with men of course...or projecting onto me...of course he's doing them but the disgust of it....is just horrible... knowing for sure that that's what he's doing or does... makes me not want to ever touch him again and dont think I will... on top of not getting with me sexually which isnt a shocker but still just gross what they do or are capable of doing...as far as sexual things..do most narcs reject their assumed partners sexually and get with other people...rejecting partners sexually seems to be a common pattern with n's...but not sure if they are all somatic and do that as well...overall I would say these scumbags are so disgusting...in every way possible. Even seeing other people in normal relationships not that you haven't before...but while u are deprogramming yourself of the N can help a person see how disgusting disordered sick and screwed up the N is... it makes you look at them and say "gross" and "what a loser"...and "do I really want to potentially get with this sick freak or abuser"... you can keep telling yourself...this person is not a good investment in a relationship, even if uve spent a lot of time investing in the relationship or have feelings... they are so disordered and sick-- they can almost never be faithful genuine true real...loyal...they aer betrayers liars psychopaths...sick crazy people... and of all people-- they are the ones that know it the best and most...how sick they really are and how no one wants them...they will even say to their victims "no one wants you"....but in reality that's the truth about them....and why they work so hard to manipulate their victims/targets..it's the only way they can get anyone to stay with someone as sick or screwed up as them...narcs seem powerful because of the nature of their abuse or any abuser or bully and b/c they are so forceful with it, but they are the weakest most pathetic deplorable and stupid people possible...they aer so weak they feed off others.. parasites have no strength they gain it from others.. narcs in turn have no control over their own lives, mind brains their disorder, so they gain it by controlling others...the deception is that they seem powerful over their victims or to the victim who they've broken down of coures thru methodical terror but they are the weak ones and any sign of recourse by their victim and they cower...you can use some of their tactics on them..scare them...ignore them...dont take their calls-- that puts them in fear mode or fear abandonment mode, and they cower and begin acting nice or different.. or can change out of anxiety--there are ways to get to them or break them or control them but of course you can never change them or have anything real with them...or make them normal...or like you because they aren't and can't be--except thru miracle therapy but in most cases it's not possible... The sad thing about them is…that they don’t care….they may acre a very slight bit..Because they do possess emotions/feelings but they are of course transmuted in Such an abnormal and disordered way you can never experience any normal Feelings or characteristics they possess, only their disorder….like any child…going thru a certain time/age where morality isn't present much, They lie betray cheat…without a conscience…as long as they don’t get away with it..And sadder…anything they do is now being projected onto you or their victim… So they do sick or stupid things or anything they do…then just projcet it onto you Rage and then it’s all done with…and nothing ever happened and worse, you’re Bad or evil….it is too sick…for anyone who decides to stay with an N they have To realize they will never have a normal or anywhere near normal relationship With an N--only hell trauma chaos lies betrayal and mostly horror…because The N will constantly be trying to do things to torment, destroy, abuse, terrorize That person….do anything just to hurt them basically…so as long as someone Wants to deal with the dysfunction…they can continue with the narcissist but They just have to realize or know it will never be anywhere near sane or healthy And mostly just horror….the main goal is just getting away from them…which is hard for the victims because of the abuse done to them....but usually victims will come to a point of realization or a breaking point upon which they can't take anymore and have to do something about their situation or find ways of survival...and that's when people tend to start takign steps to try to get out...usually it's done by a nature of need rather than just choice...The N’s will also use and use and use you--that’s b/c they don’t care about you at all… They only care about themselves…they will do anything for themselves and that’s about it…you are just a toy in their game and life….and the more they can break you down The more they can use and take from you….breaking you down makes it so easy For them to get what they want off you…then youre just an ultimate victim of the sick N who is using u in any/every way possible. projection targets of their inner turmoil and all the stuff others have done to them throughout their lives...all their anger hate bitterness is what their victims become to the N...as well as all the sick backwards things they are or may do in secret or private..and a lot of N's have secret/private lives..personas...which they hide from their 'false self'...the self they try to show you or others....ie they're so perfect or good or moral or decent, when they are a lot of things..but terrible things.. I also read once to an N there is no relationship…and tht is the scariest part-- there is no relationship…realistically… In 3d…there also isn’t…youre not part of a relationship.. You’re just a part of The narcissistic cult…and you’re just being used by them…in some cases…It is so disordered…there arelly are no elements of a relationship in other cases There are ‘some’ elements..but in most or all cases…to an N there is no relationship…They cant have one don’t know how…and theyre just using you for supply…imagine An N just using you….using and using…youre just a target…using you as a punching bag To terrorize…and not much else…that’s how the N operates…youre not a gf wife or much to the N…they have other supplies as well..maybe not what they label their ‘gf’s’ But they have supply..The n also needs u more than u need it-- ie in terms of supply..the N is dependent Upon their disorder which makes them need others for supply-- this makes them The sad predator, needy and weak…for others….and they have to break those others down as punishment…and..so they can keep their victims and supply…they just Make u believe u need them thru methodical brainwash when you don’t…They dazzle you and excite you-- and awe you…with their illusion…and it’s just That a lie and illusion….
April 15, 2009 - 9:44am
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

NONE.

Is there any research out there on percentage of narcs who go through intense deprogramming and start feeling some of what a normal person feels?? I imagine that must be such a bittersweet awakening for them. I know it's been said a cure is impossible, but I do wonder if any actually get to experience what TRUE empathy feels like? NONE. Zero. Zip. Zilch. Dr. Robert Hare, the head researcher in psychopathy and many others in this field have done loads of research. Their brains are different. They probably had one or more pathological parents who then NURTURED the underlying pathology. It's too late once they are past the age of about 9. There is no awakening. No cure. No deprogramming. They are NOT LIKE you & I. They make look, walk, smell, etc like us but they aren't. MRIs and CAT Scans of the brains of KNOWN Narcs and Ps have proved this over & over & over & over again. Problem is - by the time they are 21 they have had MANY MANY MANY clues they aren't normal. But they do NOTHING about it and choose to see US - the ones who can FEEL - as abnormal. They see NOTHING wrong with their behavior and project any bad-ness on to us. Or they say "yes I know I'm sick - please stick around and 'help me'" as a way to prey on our compassion and keep us lured in. It's all an EVIL LURE. ZERO. Sorry to say but NONE of them ever "get it." ZILCH. Do NOT let Toxic Hope get in your way. Pray for them - FROM A DISTANCE. Don't stay, don't try to get them help - just get as far away as you can. http://narcissists-suck.blogspot.com/2007/10/letting-go-of-fantasy-so-you-can-grab.html http://narcissists-suck.blogspot.com/2009/01/no-contact-because-their-evil-is.html ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/
April 15, 2009 - 9:57am (Reply to #18)
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

It's such a shame...

...that they are so screwed up, that their brains are that damaged. And sadly, they keep it going in the way of changing their victim's brain chemistry. I find it all very fascinating, as horrible as it is. I do hope and pray from a distance. I feel much more sorry for myself and others who have to try to work our way out of the madness and have a normal life. I have no delusions that mine will change whatsoever. In fact, it's made me skiddish of ever getting involved with someone again. If I make that step in the future, hopefully I'll be well informed enough by then to know exactly what to look for.
April 15, 2009 - 10:04am (Reply to #19)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

book

Get yourself a book called HOW TO SPOT A DANGEROUS MAN and the workbook. It will help you tremendously if & when you choose to get involved again. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/
April 14, 2009 - 11:37pm
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Jane

Yes, this is a great article on emotional rape. I couldn't agree more. I pasted an excerpt below that really stood out to me and I know I've been guilty of doing. I have pasted it below for those of you still in the midst of a relationship with a narissist and trying to leave. We always need to check ourselves............ "A strategy of trying to keep your captor happy in order to stay alive (keeping the relationship alive) becomes an obsessive identification with the likes and dislikes of the captor which has the result of warping your own psyche in such a way that you come to sympathize with your captor. She no longer blames him; she blames herself for not doing that one extra thing to make him happy. For talking when she should have kept quiet. For demanding attention when she should have seen he was in a bad mood. She starts feeling worthless. She is like a thermometer, always gauging his moods. She is only worthy when he is happy. If only she could see what would make him happy today, more sex, wilder sex, Chinese food, new DVD's, a backrub?"
April 15, 2009 - 8:32am (Reply to #11)
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Lisa

Thanks for pointing this part out. It just gives me shivers to read it because I was so much that way for me toward the latter part of the relationship. I know people around us would just think 'how could we let them get away with it'...but they don't know how powerful this type of person is. It just amazes me...do they have some kind of step-by-step guide on how to abuse women?? They're all so SIMILAR in their techniques, it's freaky. I'm so glad when I run accross information like this, it helps me know that I am not pathetic, weak, crazy, etc..!
April 15, 2009 - 9:59pm (Reply to #14)
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Quietude & Jane

Yes, only we understand what it's like to be brainwashed by these men. People who know us have a hard time believing we could let this happen to ourselves because we're smarter and stronger than that. The thing is, they don't experience the lure and the manipulation first hand. Barbara describes it perfectly. These men are master manipulators and over a period of time, they are able to influence us in a way that no one understands unless they have been there themselves. Never be ashamed of it and never feel alone for we all have been there and it doesn't make us naive or ignorant. It makes us human. We are humans who choose to see the best in people or the positive in any situation until we learn the hard way we mustn't trust too easily. It's unfortunate, though, that they take this from us. I will never lose my positive attitude and I will always choose to believe people are inherently good. I'm just more cautious now when getting to know someone. It takes a long time to really get to know someone and see their true colors.
April 15, 2009 - 10:20pm (Reply to #15)
cassiemay
cassiemay's picture

never be ashamed of it...

from Lisa. "We are humans to choose to see the best in people or the positive in any situation until we learn the hard way we musn't trust too easily. Perfect saying, it hits home with me. Seeing "true colors" is So painful, but so much a part of the whole process. All of the posts here help to reinforce that notion. Believe what you see, not what you may think. Seeing is believing. Thanks all, CM
April 15, 2009 - 10:33pm (Reply to #16)
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Cassiemay

Thank you, Cassiemay. It is painful, but a part of the process indeed. Always believe what you see, not what you hear. Thank you all for being here and for your support. xoxo, Lisa
April 15, 2009 - 8:51am (Reply to #12)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

similarities

do they have some kind of step-by-step guide on how to abuse women?? They're all so SIMILAR in their techniques, it's freaky. This is why it's well defined MENTAL PATHOLOGY. And it's incurable. They all use the same sort of seduction techniques too. This might interest you: http://howtospotadangerousman.blogspot.com/2008/08/pathological-child-prodigy-savant-of.html ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/
April 15, 2009 - 9:25am (Reply to #13)
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

yes thanks

That was interesting, but I always find it sad when I think of them as children and how it all started, how they developed, or rather, their lack of development. I do feel very sad for my ex as what it must have been like for him as a child. I know it doesn't excuse his behavior as an adult. Is there any research out there on percentage of narcs who go through intense deprogramming and start feeling some of what a normal person feels?? I imagine that must be such a bittersweet awakening for them. I know it's been said a cure is impossible, but I do wonder if any actually get to experience what TRUE empathy feels like? I wish there was more awareness of this type of abuse, it's interesting how I had to dig to find material on it(outside of the internet). There's plenty of stuff in the book stores on ADHD, LOTS of stuff on bipolarism, general abuse info...hardly anything on narcissism. Greater awarenss could smoke them out more, putting pressure on them to get help...oh well, in a perfect world, right?
April 15, 2009 - 2:45am (Reply to #6)
Jane (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Lisa

I couldn't agree with you more. That paragraph described exactly who I became in the last year of the relationship. It gives me the creeps just thinking about it, I can't believe I let myself get tangled in his web. One of my best friends who's known me for a decade and a half couldn't believe that I let him walk all over me, he knows me as a fighter (in a good sense) not as a doormat. I guess my ex managed to re-programme my mind in the most crafty, subtle of ways. Oh well, good riddance to bad rubbish! Jane http://sadlynomore.blogspot.com
April 15, 2009 - 8:54am (Reply to #7)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

you didn't

I can't believe I let myself get tangled in his web. You didn't LET him do anything! You were targetted, lured, profiled, brainwashed and abused. By HIM. YOU did NOTHING wrong. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/
April 19, 2009 - 8:27am (Reply to #8)
fairy wings
fairy wings's picture

blame versus taking responsibility

Hi Barbara, I am not sure I entirely agree with your comment although I guess we would be disagreeing on semantics. When I first worked in the domestic abuse sector running groups for women who were either living with violence or who had previously left a violent relationship I would have agreed with your suggestion that these women did not 'let' the narcissist abuse them. I also liked to think, as you have suggested, that rather they had been targeted as I had previously been myself, however the more I worked to empower women to take control of their own lives the more I realised there comes a point where we have to say to ourselves, 'ok so we are not to blame, he didn't come with a tatoo on his head that said ABUSER, however now that we do know, and now that we have the information if we do not work at removing ourselves from the situation then we are letting this continue and as such we are colluding with the narcissist. I would never have said this to a women I was working with, because what could be worse than another layer of blame, however through group exercises and group support I would encourage the women to listen to their gut feelings and to start to take responsibility for their own part in their own life. (I found the exercises in Susan Jeffer's book, 'Feel the Fear and do it Anyway' very good for allowing the women to come to their own conclusions on this and to begin to take action in small safe baby steps for themselves). The group was always supportive, however I feel it is also important to give women the knowledge we have and then the tools to enable them to move on. In one of your other articles I note you say that time is only time if no healing takes place we will be in exactly the same place in five years time. Most of the women i worked with said that with hindsight there were things that didn't feel quite right even at the start of the relationship when he was also being very charming, however almost as many came to the conclusion that they had in some way believed him and his version of events against their own gut feeling, so a lot of the work we covered in the group was looking at the beliefs we share with abusive men that enables us to get snared in the first place and why it is so many women seem to doubt themselves in personal relationships. As part of this educational programme we also drew on the 'Freedom' programme which looks at , 'How to Spot an Abuser'. I have also found, 'Friends of Rosalind' very helpful for identifying abusive traits, however I also feel society has a part to play in the ways we continue to socialise girls and boys in different ways, so again in the group we would look at magazines and R and B song lyrics, soap operas and the way women and relationships are portrayed in the media (sex sells) women as the care givers, who are responsible for the needs of men and children etc. I have to say all of this was done with humour which may sound strange for such a serious topic, however the formula seemed to work with the women coming to their own conclusions in their own time about the part they played in their intimate relationship. If he is a parasite, it would seem to make sense to remove the host plant, his source of supply. I'm not blaming women and I know from personal experience how very hard it is to leave, even if you have everything apparently on your side as I did: supportive family, white middle class professional with own income and good friends, however there has to be a turning point when we say we are taking responsibility for our own part in our own life if not we are not to stay stuck. As I said I'm sure we are just using different terms to describe the same belief. I ahve also read all of your posts with great interest. I am so glad to have found this message board.
April 19, 2009 - 10:42am (Reply to #9)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

fairy wings

Have you read WOMEN WHO LOVE PSYCHOPATHS? I found it invaluable in my work with DV Victims. In the case of narcissts and psychopaths there is ZERO responsibility on the part of the victim. They were TARGETTED, lured, conned, brainwashed. PERIOD. The book above laid it all out for me. It also laid out plainly WHY I was targetted. All my good characteristics were used against me. Of course it also made me more aware of how these predator/abusers do it and what to look for. Not all abusers are the same. Pathological abusers are, IMHO - a special kind of evil. This article is also good: http://narc-attack.blogspot.com/2008/04/blaming-victim-of-narcissism.html I strongly recommend you get that book. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ My site: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/
April 19, 2009 - 6:43pm (Reply to #10)
fairy wings
fairy wings's picture

Thank you

Hi Barbara, thank you for your reply. I have not read the book and had not heard of it until I found this site today. Interestingly I have had two abusive realtionships myself with two very diffrent personality types: one who was charming and violent, and one who never used violence, however was the most evil kind of human being I could probably have the misfortune to meet. I could not understand why when he apparently gave me nothing and yet took everything from me I was apparently so 'stuck.' I also know from my work that there are different types of abuser; therefore I feel the book will be of value and thank you for your recommendation. I have also just spent some time visiting the other links you posted and they too are very interesting. I am always seeking further clarification to understand more what happened to me, to support me in my work with clients and to gain further insight for the training I deliver. I really value you taking the time to reply.
April 15, 2009 - 12:00am (Reply to #5)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

wow - yeah

this reminded me of an article I posted a while back: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com/2005/10/loving-to-survive-sexual-terror-mens.html All part of the trauma bonding. Anything to make him happy. I remember doing things for exNH just to "keep the marriage going." WTF for? He was doing nothing! He probably sat there and laughed at me. And Psycho-Boy, used to regale me with tales of his ex-girlfriend and how much better she was than me sexually. Sheesh! I was only with the guy a couple times when I was 18! He didn't stick around long enough to really know me - sexually or otherwise. But when he told me that stuff I remember I had the typical PTSD 'freeze response.' It upset me and I felt uncomfortable but I couldn't run. And I didn't dare say a THING to him because he'd already trained me that he wouldn't give me ANY emotional support or even talk to me if I questioned one thing that he did. Looking back now I want to puke thinking about it all. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/
April 14, 2009 - 6:58pm
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

good article Jane

Its just another way of describing PATHOLOGY. I will never understand why the media is so afraid of talking about PATHOLOGY and calling people possible Narcs or Psychopaths. I may pinch that article for my blog. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/
April 14, 2009 - 6:15pm
Jane (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

More links

Another good article http://www.relationship-love.com/advice/abusive/emotionally-abusive-relationship.html Jane http://sadlynomore.blogspot.com
April 14, 2009 - 11:29am
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

emotional rape

Dr. Fox's book on Emotional Rape was the first thing I read after the Psycho-Boy incidents http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com/2006/02/what-is-emotional-rape-emotional-rape.html it was the first thing that really helped me towards healing. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/