Obsessed with exN. Why???

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#1 November 2, 2009 - 9:34pm
Anonymous (not verified)
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Obsessed with exN. Why???

I'm starting to think there's something seriously wrong with me. I've always been strong, independent and confident. Now, I can't seem to regain my sense of self.

I broke up with my ex when narcissism was an alien concept to me. I didn't know what it was but I've been exposed to enough healthy relationships to know there was something wrong. I ended things and maintained NC for a couple of months. We got back to being friends though.

In the past couple of months, I discovered things he does with other women that disgust me. I vowed to stay away from him. I don't talk or see him anymore, has been for months. Why do I still seem obsessed with him? I think about him practically 24/7. I still cry. I feel it's a struggle to remind myself everyday why I should hate him. I look him up sometimes on the internet although I've deleted him. I'm obsessed with him even if I know and try to stay away. Like a decomposing carcass you can't take your eyes off.

I just want to be free. My soul is tired and I just want to break free from the chains that bind me. I'm surprised. I should be over the drama by now. My friends are confused as to why I still have feelings for him when he has proven to be a complete and total jackass. How can I care so much for a despicable pig? And why can't I let go especially after knowing how horrible he is?

November 2, 2009 - 10:03pm
Selena12 (not verified)
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I became obsessed with my

I became obsessed with my xN, initially because I wanted to track the lies he was telling me and I found out that sure enough they were iies. After that I watched him monitor me on the internet and when I realized that was going on I stopped. Once this was over I was feeing better - getting over the relationship the way one normally would, but he started showing up again all the time with fakes on my social networking sites etc. Then we started communicating through this. Later he and his friends bugged my computer and the clues were left around in different places and I found myself obsessing over figuring all this out. I'm at the point where I want to look to protect myself, but I don't want to look as i need that space to heal. The messages are either loving (and if I respond to them he is hurtful to me or they are loving messages that try to guilt me for not loving him enough) or they are insults to my character - projections of his own deficiencies etc. so either way they just hurt me. But it's been like there is always a constant hook to keep me from abandoning him. I relate to your morbid curiosity though in my case he directs things at me. Do you really think you have feelings for him? Maybe it's ego - like he got one over on you. I'm new to the site, so forgive my intrusion but were you better off with NC? Maybe that's what you need again to get over it - a bit of distance to get some perspective. I think sometimes we process things intellectually (eg. he was bad for me, he treated me badly, it would never work out if he is like this) before we actually detach emotionally.
November 3, 2009 - 8:56am (Reply to #4)
4joys (not verified)
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selena12

I think you hit on something. Because we had to be hyper vigilant when they were with us, always being aware of their infidelities and games...now, we STILL obsess and think and watch and wonder. I try to get on with my life but the devastation he left is so huge. I feel like I'm walking through a battlefield with wounded and dead all around and trying to figure out who's dead and who's alive. What I can save. It's totally devastating.
November 2, 2009 - 11:38pm (Reply to #2)
Barbara (not verified)
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hormone bonding & cognitive dissonance

http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/03/20/cognitive-dissonance-obsessional-thoughts and The early days of being wooed and lured by a pathological are the most exciting times that women remember. Consistently described as “charming” the pathological is irresistible in his personality traits. Women described him as “a charming and engaging conversationalist, agreeable, insightful, sweet, twinkling eyes, a compelling talker, funny, a great storyteller, fun to be with, delightful, exciting, companionable, loyal, enthusiastic, upbeat, fun-loving, intense, and sensitive.” From this list of traits, it’s easy to see why women are enamored with his personality. By this list, what’s not to like? During the luring stage, he is highly complimentary. Pathologicals use intensity and then flattery to overwhelm her emotionally, and then set her at ease. The purpose of the luring stage is to hook her. The purpose of the honeymoon stage is to hoodwink her. In the pathological’s arsenal to achieve this hooking and hoodwinking, is any person, place, thing, word, or behavior that will sell her on his illusion. While she is reeling in flattery, swimming in the bonding-hormone oxytocin (from all the sex), and snuggling up to his stories of their future lives together… the pathological is solidifying his internal imprint in her by his use of trance and capitalizing on her suggestibility. Sandra Brown, MA - WOMEN WHO LOVE PSYCHOPATHS It takes THERAPY and about 18 months to really get over the trauma bonding, hypnosis, brainwashing & hormone manipulation they do. Are you in therapy? ~~~~~~~~~~~~ My Abuse Information Site Online Coaching & Help
November 3, 2009 - 5:06am (Reply to #3)
Amazed
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WOW

This explains so much. Thank you,,,