NC Broken - What Should I Have Done?

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#1 October 17, 2009 - 10:53am
Anonymous (not verified)
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NC Broken - What Should I Have Done?

I was expecting a call from a friend in AZ last night between 7 and 8 PM. Phone rang and caller ID said only "incoming call" so I picked up and guess who it was?

When I picked up it was awkward at first and he sensed it. But, I wasn't sure it was him. Then he said something like, was I ok with the call. My response was sure, I was just taken by surprise by his call. It almost sounded like he was disappointed that I was ok.

My head was swimming with everything I had learned from the posts here, and I was determined NOT to give him any more NS. If I had hung up on him, I would have done just that.

He called under the pretense of sharing some info with me re his health that he thought I was still interested in. So I listened, kept a smile on my face and in my voice and said very little.

He talked for about 30 minutes not really saying anything other than how someone was so appreciative for his help, his Halloween preparations and purchases and did manage to slip in a comment about his ex which was ostensibly what caused the break-up (now I know better).

From what I have learned here, if I had let him know in any way that he can still upset me, I would have been feeding his need for NS. So, I just remained polite, happy and did not express much interest in what he was saying.

I felt like he was feeling me out trying to guage where my feelings were. He didn't get nasty, arrogant or especially warm. He remained neutral (tone didn't change during the call). What I didn't hear was that smug, "got her" tone in his voice. I think he was disappointed when he hung-up.

Surprisingly, I did not feel the pain I had expected. I think I am beginning to realize that he is nothing like the "false-self" I fell in love with and a lot of it has to do with the many posts and articles I have read here. Thank you all!

Hope I handled this right. I really was taken by surprise by the phone call. I did not expect to hear from him again this soon.

October 18, 2009 - 3:27pm
Carolyn
Carolyn's picture

That was 'great work'. You

That was 'great work'. You handled yourself like a real pro! You never fed the dragon you just stayed out of reach. It was particularly great as he took you by surprise, intentionally, and you bested him. Keep up the goodwork your new, fun future is right on the doorstep.
October 17, 2009 - 7:01pm
4joys (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Why does he still have your

Why does he still have your phone number? And why didnt you just say I'm sorry I cant talk..gotta go..bye.? Why are a lot of members making contact with their narcs this weekend?
October 17, 2009 - 7:46pm (Reply to #10)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

weekends

because these people allow themselve to be ruled by LONELINESS. http://howtospotadangerousman.blogspot.com/2008/11/power-of-relapsing.html That's why weekends need to be planned for!!!! you need to stay BUSY!!! not mope or be looking for a man online or getting itchy dial-finger ~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Pathologicals only discard the best, most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth!" - A.V.
October 17, 2009 - 11:37am
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

bewildered

What should you have done? Ideally, not answering unknown calls. Let them leave a voice mail, which they will if it's important. Tell your friends that if they call from an unknown #, you won't pick it up so leave a message. The good thing is this helped reinforce your feelings that he's not effecting you as he used to...but something still made you listen for 30 minutes. There's still a bit of leftover control. I understand that ~ after my N left, for a while, I felt compelled to answer his emails, although they were short and vague, I felt that somehow I'd still 'be in trouble' if I didn't? He may try again since he knows you listened, and he was not satisfied with the last attempt. Give him the biggest signal ever that you're NOT interested by completely ignoring him.
October 17, 2009 - 3:02pm (Reply to #2)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

back on the wagon

if you pick up the phone again and its him? SIMPLY HANG UP... use your machine to screen calls - that way you will hear the person's voice BEFORE you pick up the phone and DELETE any message he leaves WITHOUT LISTENING Call the phone company, tell them you just got out of an abusive relationship and to BLOCK HIS NUMBERS for you And now you are back to square one... so BACK to NC!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Pathologicals only discard the best, most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth!" - A.V.
October 18, 2009 - 11:46am (Reply to #3)
James (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Seal every crack

Call the phone company, tell them you just got out of an abusive relationship and to BLOCK HIS NUMBERS for you And now you are back to square one... so BACK to NC!! When I accept the policy of NC I knew at that time that I needed to seal every crack because these worm will find the smaller opening to slime though. For each and every form of contact is even in the smallest way supply for them. As a pathological person they will "test the water" and try again and again to slime their way back onto our life. Thanks for sharing but you now will need to go back and close even this crack so I do hope you will allow the advise given to you by these other members. http://james-personalitydisorder.blogspot.com/
October 18, 2009 - 2:49pm (Reply to #5)
Bewildered (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Guess He Didn't Like the Phone Call

I do very much appreciate the advice from all of you. I have filtered his emails to go directly to trash on my server so I can't be tempted to read them. I found this on my business account which I cannot block. good morning I have to say, from our phone call last night, you sound very closed up..........not at all open about anything.......what you are doing, thinking, planning, etc..........not the same you.........at all......... I know you will spin this right back on me.....that's what you always do...........but I tried to talk openly with you, and be friendly......and try to "let you in" to my life..............I truly didn't feel that from you...... as a matter of fact, after I had asked several times, to tell me, that you started working another job at nights?..........seeing a client?............can't imagine why you would act so secretly or reclusive about your life, when I thought we had developed much more then that.........you used to talk to me about these things??............you acted like we didn't even share things with each other? are you trying to end it all together between us?..........it would be much easier and honest, if you would just say so......... you didn't make me feel very important to you at all last night, with your tone or manner of what I used to know........like pulling teeth just to get you to open up and say anything. I have shared with you deep problems in my life.............I felt safe.............don't any longer........ so. I will keep those things and problems to myself from here on...........but I do wish for you the best in life....and hope that you and your son will continue to find peace and happiness between each other....try not to scream at him (loose it) and threaten to send him to his fathers........that will only build resentment and hurt..........much better to talk to each other.......and I know you said everything is back to normal, but from what you described only a couple months ago, he still likely has a trust issue with you............be realistic .............it takes a little time to mend conditions like that. take care.....and I'm always here if you need me..................a He dumped me and the way he did it was not very kind at all! Two weeks ago, this would have upset me. Now, after reading the posts on this forum, I just see it as a pathetic attempt to manipulate me. His references to issues with my son are grossly exaggerated as is everything else. I have no intention of responding and my phone is now set to go to voice mail on the first ring. The only thing I cannot do is block him from my business account. I tried this and it almost cost me my job. I truly cannot afford to lose my job & benefits so I do still deal with him on a professional level which is usually only twice a year.
October 18, 2009 - 4:19pm (Reply to #8)
4joys (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Doesn't sound like business

Doesn't sound like business to me. Why didnt you delete when you saw it was not business? It wasn't by surprise. You had just received a phone call. If it's only once or twice a year, why all the contact? Don't act shocked by the phone calls and emails. You are perpetuating his behavior. Sorry if this sounds tough, but it seems you want to do the right thing, but cant right now. Are you in therapy?
October 18, 2009 - 3:57pm (Reply to #6)
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

oh WHATEVER!!!

"you sound very closed up..........not at all open about anything.......what you are doing, thinking, planning, etc..........not the same you.........at all" and it goes on and on with more of the same horse manure... Translation: DAMN! My mind zap isn't working, what the hell happened? This made me LAUGH! What an obvious jerk. He's really squirming, he can't figure out how, when, or why he lost his CONTROL over you. My ex sort of did the same thing, "Just talk to me, TELL me if it's over, PLEASE just talk to me", or he also said, "If you're just ignoring me hoping I'll go away, now..that wouldn't be very nice of you!" Laughing...they're so stupid. This part was just unreal: "try not to scream at him (loose it) and threaten to send him to his fathers"....WOW, he had to get a really good ribbing in there, huh? What an ass. What a mess. I'm so glad you only see it as pathetic. I know you can't block from your business account, but perhaps just deleting will save you from this ridiculous blabber...
October 18, 2009 - 4:11pm (Reply to #7)
Bewildered (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Quietude Thanks!

Your post made me laugh out loud. Validation helps me feel better about this whole thing. Thank you! I am still very bewildered, and like someone else said on one of the posts, I feel like I was emotionally RAPED by a MONSTER! But, it appears indifference does push his buttons - whatever those are. I believe the indifference is so unsettling to him that he will leave me alone for a year or two like he did last time. ;)
October 18, 2009 - 11:53am (Reply to #4)
Amazed
Amazed's picture

Because Every Interaction is an Attempt to Trap and Manipulate

This is so true, to seal every crack. My N will always say the oddest things, that make you stop and go 'what' and try and screw me up. It is not a normal, healthy, interaction. They twist and screw everthing.