Is my ex a narcissist?

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#1 Jun 29 - 7PM

Anonymous (not verified)

Is my ex a narcissist?

I'm not sure if my ex was a narcissist or not. He exhibited some of the symptoms of a narcissist but not all of them. As far as I know he never lied to me. When I asked him a question and the truth would have gotten him into a lot of trouble, he would tell the truth. He was faithful, always returned home after work and never went out at night.

What he did have was a great sense of entitlement. Expected everything to revolve around him. Did not like it when my attention went to someone (even my own child) or something else. Demanded to know where I went, who I spoke with and what I talked about. Once I didn't tell him about a trivial statement that I made to someone and when he found out about it all hell broke lose. Would get suspicious if I did something that he thought wasn't consistant with my usual routine and would interrogate me about it for hours. When I told him that I thought he was delusional and paranoid he said that it was me that would caused suspicion.

I couldn't do certain things the way he thought they should be done and would critize. I couldn't fold his clothes correctly so he would do his own laundry. Couldn't load the dishwasher correctly. Would interrogant me why I did something a certain way when his way would have been better. (How could I have known what way he would have done something?)

We were together for six years and he only worked a total of 2 1/2 yrs. Would do things around the house like start big projects but never finished them. Most of the time just layed on the couch watching movies.

When I disagreed or challenged him he would get physically abusive like shoving me hard into the counters of the kitchen or walls. Hold me against the walls and yelled into my face. Jumped on me pushing me into the bed or trying to tip me off the bed. Pulled my hair. Kneed me in my lower back while lying in bed.

When we went to marriage counseling one of the counselor told him that she found him to be one way. He raged at her and then walked out. She later told me that she thought that he was crazy and dangerous. Crazy was the exact word that she used, not me. The second counselor asked us to leave because my ex was going on and on about something until I got upset.

The last straw was when my son finally was getting child support from his father and I asked that half of the support go into a savings account for him. By this time I was so far into debt and I hated to think that my son's child support was going to support the family. I finally asked that we put the money aside for him that my ex gave me the check book and all the debts and told me to deal with it. He on the other hand opened up his own checking account and put whatever money he had coming in (like money on a rental property that was his previous home)and money that he was getting working. When I asked him to help me out paying the utilities he got angry and thought that I was being selfish. Besides I needed the utilities for me and my son anyways. So in the mean time I paid all the utilities, his car and medical insurance. Until one day I told myself that if I didn't ask him to leave I would have no self respect left. So I did. He's been gone for almost two years and we have been divorced since 04/2008.

Sorry this is so long, but I just wanted someone else opinion. Is he a narcissist? Or could he have another personality disorder?

#2 Jun 29 - 11PM

Lisa E. Scott

rll

Wow, well I'm glad you got out of that relationship. You and your son are so much better off. Oh, and yes, they love pets because pets do not talk back to them or expect much in return. As long as you put food and water on the floor, a pet will love you unconditionally. This is how a narcissist thinks his significant other should feel toward him. If he throws you a bone, he expects you to worship the ground he walks on.

#3 Jun 29 - 11PM

Barbara (not verified)

listen to your gut

file for a protective order when you go back to court as well. Tell your attorney you are scared he may retaliate physically and you will need a court order to show the police should you need to call 911. And do call 911 if you need to. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/

#4 Jun 29 - 9PM

Barbara (not verified)

he sounds like

a full-fledged psychopath. Possibly with schizoid features... but I am NOT a doctor You'd be wise to get a copy of WOMEN WHO LOVE PSYCHOPATHS (see right margin of this site, down near the bottom) and get away from this man ASAP. FAR FAR AWAY. You can visit Sandra Brown's forum for Psychopath Victims here: http://www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com/forum And stick around here because all Psychopaths are Narcissists; but not all Narcissists are Psychopaths. And the members here are wonderful. Now who the heck called me an "expert"? LOL! ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/

#5 Jun 29 - 9PM (Reply to #11)

rll1997 (not verified)

Psychopath?

Good grief, that's not good. I remember there would be a look in his eyes like there was no one there. Like the times he would get right in my face. At one session with the marriage counselor, the counselor said something to him, I can't remember what it was, but my Ex just sat there looking at the counselor for about 15 seconds. The counselor turned to me and asked if I ever saw that look before. I leaned forward and looked at my Ex and saw those eyes. I told the counselor yes.

#6 Jun 29 - 10PM (Reply to #12)

Barbara (not verified)

yes

a look in his eyes like there was no one there That's called the 'REPTILIAN GAZE' There is NO ONE THERE. Yes I said P S Y C H O P A T H. Run... and don't look back. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/

#7 Jun 29 - 10PM (Reply to #13)

rll1997 (not verified)

Reptilian Gaze

His pupils would get really small. This look would only happen when he was really angry with someone. Almost like a "how dare you" look. It was the most frightening thing I'd ever seen. When he had that look I was afraid he was going to kill me. We have long been separated and divorced. The thing that is happening now is that he is not paying mainenance fees on two time shares that we own together, so I will need to take him back to court. I'm concerned about what he might do. He knows that the court will make him pay it since that is what he agreed to do in the divorce.

#8 Jun 30 - 12AM (Reply to #14)

Jodie

Sounds like a definite P Narc

Run for the hills. We've all lived it, it won't get better. I couldnt load the dishwasher correctly either and that reptile stare is so telling, its an evil stare like no one is home. Creepy. Sray strong, glad you found this site. "Cry now because you lost him or cry later because you have him."

"Cry now because you lost him or cry later because you have him."

#9 Jun 30 - 1AM (Reply to #15)

Barbara (not verified)

Jodie

Just so you know: he can be a Narcissistic Psychopath But he can not be a Psychopathic Narcissist (PNarc) ;) ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/

#10 Jun 29 - 9PM (Reply to #9)

finallydone

You ARE an expert

Barbara, You are wonderful!!! I knew you'd have something to say about this one. And I almost guessed at Psychopath, but had to wait and see. :) Here's my question to you on this one... is it the tendency toward violence that makes you think that? Reason I'm asking is mine is so similar except for the outright physical attacks... threatened a lot, but didn't do it and I figured out they were bluffs. And... I refer to him as "the psycho" a lot. :) A little levity.

#11 Jun 30 - 1AM (Reply to #10)

Barbara (not verified)

narc or sociopath?

Lisa and I discussed this on the BlogTalkRadio thing a couple times. Just as narcissism itself runs on a spectrum... Cluster B Pathology also runs on a spectrum. Narcissism at one end and Psychopathy at another. Read HOW PSYCHOPATHS EXPLOIT OTHERS: http://personalitydisorders.suite101.com/article.cfm/how_psychopaths_exploit_others It is NOT about the physical violence. Many psychopaths skate under the 'radar' as "sub clinical." It is the EXPLOITATIVE-NESS... i.e. how much they USE others - that is a big flag. The worse they get along that scale towards full blown psychopathy, dragging the narcissism along with them as that blows to harmful proportions. Emotional & Psychological Terrorism counts too. http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/06/22/narcissist-or-sociopath-whats-difference That's why I say - all Narcs are not Sociopaths but all Sociopaths are Narcs. Here's what Sandra Brown, MA says in WOMEN WHO LOVE PSYCHOPATHS: Psychopaths, sociopaths and even narcissists come in every walk of life, every career level, and every socio-economic category. They are doctors, attorneys, ministers, students, and truck drivers. They are realtors, construction workers and professors. They are your boss, your neighbor, your family member, and your lover or husband. You might even be with one now and not know it! Learn about the â€˜crazy-makingâ€™ behavior that all psychopaths do in the relationships. Identify how a psychopath â€˜luresâ€™ a woman into a relationship. See how he uses the 'Honeymoon Phase' before it all turns dangerous and disastrous. Women need to understand â€” can psychopaths hypnotize their women? The answer is YES! Learn about the role of intense attachments, fear, and sex in relationships with psychopaths. Understand why women actually come to believe they are losing their minds in relationships with psychopaths -- what does he â€˜doâ€™ to her that makes her believe that? (in WWLP she lumps narcs, psychopaths, etc together - simply for the clarity of the book...) Sandra just did a nice little video that will help too: http://www.viddler.com/player/959a0b0/ ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/

#12 Jun 29 - 7PM

finallydone

Just some thoughts

My answer would be yes... except Barbara might say he has some other issues as well and she is really the expert. I know Narcissists can be physically abusive but I don't think the majority generally go that route. HOWEVER, mine was also faithful and always where he said he would be. That wasn't the issue. THe issues were more the kinds of things you talk about. I don't think any of them are exactly alike, it's probably more the number of symptoms (of a rather large list) they have on their "checklist" as well as the overall pattern that can be seen overtime, just as you described above. Mine would get physically intimidating, but never actually crossed the line to total physical abuse. He also criticized stupid things like you mention above. He hated his opinion being challenged as you mention above. He also would take trivial statements I said to other people or even to him.. that meant nothing at all except in the course of regular conversation... and he would interrogate, wake me up early in the morning or keep me up late at night to act suspicious of my "true motivations" for saying things. It was mind boggling. But until I saw the full pattern as something NOT NORMAL I was caught up for a long time in trying to finally win his approval and understanding. Ended up feeling pathetic. I also reached the point of realizing that if I didn't get out, I was going to lose all self-respect... expecially if he started to turn it on my son. He is not my son's father, I am divorced... and it was only a matter of time, because although he often was kind to my son in a playful (child to child) sort of way... he expressed resentment of him to me (he's another man's child and that's very difficult for me) or (why do I have to pick up the slack for another mans child). THat sort of thing - although that's just in a nutshell. Soooo.... my answer is yes he was a very abusive narcissist. I am anxious to see if Barbara has some more detailed insight on that from a more diagnostic perspective. Kudos to you for being out of it for two years... I can't wait to get that far down the road as it seems so incredibly hard right now. Although I can feel my spirit coming back with each day.

#13 Jun 29 - 8PM (Reply to #2)

rll1997 (not verified)

Thanks for replying

My Ex was not my son's father either. He was emotionally abusive to my son and toward the end of the relationship starting to get physical. One day for son was trying to give my ex a nipple twist? My son didn't give him a good one and then my ex would twists my son's chest really hard. I kept telling my son to get away from him because he would hurt him but my son kept trying to give him one. Apparently my Ex gave him a good one that sent my son to his bedroom crying. The next morning my son's chest was covered with black and blue marks. He was only nine years old at the time. Through out the relationship my son would sit with me on the couch which made my ex jealous and would call him a "Little Titty Boy" has to be by his Mommy. One day my Ex was in another room and my son sat beside me on the couch holding my hand. When my ex walked into the room, my son pulled away. When I put my son to bed at night my Ex would come in and say, "You still putting him to bed?" It was hell. I once said to my Ex that he was a bottomless pit and that nothing could fill him up. Does anything here sound familiar?

#14 Jun 29 - 9PM (Reply to #3)

finallydone

Oh My Gosh

Absolutely famliar - yet done a bit differently. Doesn't matter thought it all amounts to the same thing. Some of the things you said brought back some other memories - there's so many things that this guy did over the course and I sometimes feel so foolish and downright guilty that I didn't see this more clearly or do something about it sooner. I remember: - My 6 year old son walking out into the living room and I don't remember what exactly made him do this, but he stood up real straight with clenched fists and said "I wish you'd never come here" to my soon-to-be ex N. I don't remember the exact circumstances leading up to that but I do remember that this was shortly after his father and I divorced and I thought it was probably a child's reaction to this other person being here. I ALSO CLEARLY remember my ex's response which was "I wish you' never existed." And I FREAKED! I sat my child down and ordered him to sit and read him the riot act and acknowledged my childs feelings. I stood up for him IMMEDIATELY. However, what I didn't do was kick the bastard out. And he stayed until now. My son is now 13. He also would constantly make comments about our nighttime routine (to this day) of tucking him in and taking him a glass of water. He no longer NEEDS me to do that, but he asks me to do it. It's our routine and I think it makes him feel loved and cared for. It's a simple bedtime routine and takes about 2 minutes. But there was always a comment about how "I never have time for him or he has to interrupt what he is talking about when I do that stuff." My son started taking more and more to his room after school before I got home from work when N was here. He is an entertainer and works gigs on the weekends. He does work regularly, but through the week he was ALWAYS home. No friends really, just other piano players that call him occasionally

#15 Jun 29 - 9PM (Reply to #4)

rll1997 (not verified)

finallydone

Hi again, My son wasn't allowed to interrupt when my Ex was talking to me. Rightfully so, that would be disrespectful. But one time when my Ex was talking to me, my son stood there patiently waiting for my Ex to finish. My Ex knew he was standing there, but went on and on. I knew he was testing my son to see how long he would stand there and wait to get his turn until my son turned and left. They're right when they say that these N's have a mentality of a five year old.

#16 Jun 29 - 9PM (Reply to #5)

finallydone

Oh Yes.... I start to feel

Oh Yes.... I start to feel like an idiot when all of our stories are the same ones. You know what I mean? We did get caught up in a pathology... I read about it, I have been clinging to this site to get me through this and I know it's true... but actually wrapping my mind around it is so difficult sometimes. I say all this because... I used to say to myself all the time and to my friends who now realize this is really happening that my son is more emotionally mature than this guy is. I was using it as a figure of speech in the beginning but towards the end I meant it for real. And my son always has been from the age of 5. It's crazy.... truly it is. But yes... I think you had a bonified N on your hands. At least by all accounts. I'm certainly not a psychologist, but I bet most of the folks on this site would agree that they too could pass any number of tests on it after all the reading and sharing of stories we'd done. :)

#17 Jun 29 - 9PM (Reply to #6)

rll1997 (not verified)

No Contact

When I told him he needed to leave I had very little contact with him. Any mail that came to the house for him I would forward it to him. I did miss him but could never bring myself to call him. Probably because when he left he said that I was going to find out how much he did around the house. So help me God I still don't know what he did. Started big projects and never finished them was a few things that he did. I had to pay to get them completed. I think he thought that I would call him crying to come back and when I didn't he gave up and filed for divorce. Might as well pay for the divorce since he never paid for anything in the marriage. Let me tell you something funny. He brought his dog with him when he moved in. She is a really sweet dog. Anyhow he would pet her and say "Isn't she sweet, just wants to love and be loved." He did this a few times. Then one time when he did it, "Isn't she sweet, just wants to love and be loved." I finally said, "It's a good thing she can't talk." He wanted to know what I meant by that. I just said that should would probably tell him a thing or two. I think he wanted a partner that was like a dog. Maybe if his dog could cook he wouldn't have married me.

#18 Jun 29 - 10PM (Reply to #7)

finallydone

HA that is hysterical!

HA that is hysterical! The only thing is that it hits home. Mine loved the dog and cat... as long as he didn't have to feed them, clean up after them, pay their vet bills, etc. And as he contributed nothing to them but a pet now and and then.... I find it AMAZING that his sister is now askign me to to give him my cat because he misses her so much and it would be something since he has to give up the house he "worked all his life for." He says this same thing to anybody who will listen. It's ridiculous. He can jump off the nearest bridge... he is not getting my beloved cat.

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