Life after the Narcissist...It gets easier

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#1 Mar 3 - 1AM
Anonymous (not verified)
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Life after the Narcissist...It gets easier

Hi everyone!! I was with a Narcissist on and off for several years. He discarded me many times and unfortunately I kept going back. He has been gone now for a year and a half and I just want to tell you that it gets easier with time. I am beginning to realize that being dumped by a Narcissist is truly a blessing. I say this because to build a life with a Narcissist is to have no life at all. It's has been an excruciatingly painful experience but I have grown a great deal. Relationships are not possible with Narcissists. Unless, however you want to live a life where you have no voice and are treated like a second class citizen. You deserve better. We all do. Listen to Lisa. She knows what she is talking about. I am glad I did. No contact is the only way out of the pain. Keep posting and reading on here. You owe it to yourself to meet a partner who actually cares about you and is capable of treating you the way you deserve to be treated.
Take care.

Apr 12 - 4PM
loislane97
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Perfect timing!

Loislane

Apr 12 - 4PM (Reply to #23)
Domo
Domo's picture

I know

Apr 10 - 9AM
loislane97
loislane97's picture

"it gets easier?"...WHEN?

Loislane

Apr 12 - 12PM (Reply to #21)
Domo
Domo's picture

Commit to NC

Oct 16 - 10PM
ssm
ssm's picture

Which is better??

I need anyones opinion/advice : I posted some new photos of me happy, and going to the Incubus concert (ohh Incubus =
Jun 1 - 10AM
finallydone
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I hope you guys are right

I really really hope this is true because I feel like I'm definitely going to die. I'll feel strong and know I'm doing the right thing.... and then I just can't even bare life without him. I am scared, lonely, craving him, wanting to talk to him about stuff we always talked about. Him calling me between sets on his gigs. I feel disconnected and half dead. Can barely get through a day at work and it's been this way for months and months and months. Of course he's only halfway gone. His stuff is leaving the house little by little, and I fear the day that it's all gone. I really hope you guys are right. I am miserable living right now. I wish I didn't have to a lot of times... it's that bad. Feel like a zombie going through the motions.
Jun 3 - 11PM (Reply to #18)
Carolyn
Carolyn's picture

You will find your way out

You will find your way out of this but I think you are so deeply affected by him that it is making a mess of your body chemistry. One thing that is hard but works is regular excercise, if you can walk for 30 minutes a day, go to a gym,or do something to get the adrenaline going it will help. There are two health store things that might help lift the dark mood and despair one is valerian and one is St John's Wort. St. John's is good for depression, valerian for anxiety. now when you get your body moving you have to get your mind grooving. In 2 days you will be thinking more clearly, go to a bookstore, Unity Church, or the public library and look around the self-help section for a book that jumps out at you. It has a magic of its own I promise you. Now that you have that book in hand, you are excercising, you will be sleeping better, and that helps. your internal peace willstart to be restored and then you have to take the big move-move his things out yourself. This is not healthy for you to live like this and your major interest has to be your survival and your quality of life. this type of addiction to another person who isn't there for you isn't where anyone wants you to be. You have to move away from that attitude and your thoughts have to shift to what is good and healthy for you.
Jun 1 - 7PM (Reply to #14)
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

It takes time to heal

lplivefree - Mourning the loss of a relationship is difficult, but mourning the loss of something you realize was never there is ten times more painful. I know exactly what you're feeling right now. It's really gut-wrenching. The disillusionment is overwhelming. All I can say is at least you found out now so you can re-create your life and be with someone who is capable of love. You deserve that and so much more. It takes time to grieve the loss of an illusion because there are so many more feelings involved than sadness and grief. There's anger and confusion and resentment and tons of unanswered questions. Hang in there though. It will get easier. This too shall pass. We're here for you. finallydone - same thing. I know how dead you feel inside. Many of us do for we have been there, but try to remember why you are doing this - so you can make the most of the one life you are given - you deserve to be with someone capable of love. Of course you feel a pull towards him and miss him - he has been brainwashing you for years to be completely dependent on him and no one else. This was intentional on his part. Please stay strong. It will get easier with time. We are here for you. Leah - Yes, big lol on your comment about putting the brat in permanent time out!
Jun 2 - 7AM (Reply to #15)
lplivefree (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Time with the N

Wow, it seems like 6 - 8 years is the average women stay with the Narcissist. I know for me he just kept getting worse until I caught him lying and sneaking out to see other women while I was at work. His prior marriage was 7 years then his live in was 7 years now our relationship. My girlfriend said something that really helped. She said he probably did/tried the best he could for the time we were together to be a man/husband and he just can't do it anymore. It's just hard because I can't just do the no contact yet. The home I left him in is in my name, I still have belonging's there and I am scared to make him angry as I don't want him to hurt me/take from me anymore. The good news is each time I catch him lying and he tells me what I am going to do - I get reinforcement that this is the only way. Anyway gotta go to work. Stay strong and have a great day!
Jun 2 - 10AM (Reply to #16)
finallydone
finallydone's picture

Wow

First of all... this post really hit me between the eyes. The one above from iplivefree. 6 - 8 years with a narcissist and I have been with him almost EXACTLY eight years. To the month. That is so amazing. That's how hard we work at it. Thank you to everybody for the support. I feel a bit better today, but expect more days where I'll be wondering if I'll keep breathing. But today.... I had to go tour the Peyton Manning Children's Hospital as part of my job. And I left realizing that compared to the parents in the waiting rooms wondering if their children were going to live or die... my problem is not quite that horrific. Not to downplay what we're all going through... not at all. But it does give some perspective. I left thankful that my child is healthy. And I got out of my own head for a few minutes. I wished he could see that about the world... but that's not gonna happen. I hope you all have a wonderful day! I wish I could meet each and every one of you.
Jun 2 - 12PM (Reply to #17)
neveragain
neveragain's picture

PERSPECTIVE

Hey Finallydone! I can completely relate to how you're feeling and what you're going through. I think we ALL CAN. It definitely doesn't diminish or dilute each and every one of our situations but it does help to know that you're NOT CRAZY. I would also wish that my N could put himself in others shoes.....people who can't walk, or see....people who suffer serious illnesses or some other life-changing situation. He can't. He doesn't have the ability to empathize with anyone. I often thought that if he could teach disabled children how to surf that he would get out of his own head and be a kinder, gentler person. Well, this was BEFORE I began to research the Narcissistic Personality. I googled "lack of empathy" and I was shown a whole new mountain of information about this disorder. Sadly, since N's are missing the Empathy Chip, they will never be compassionate people. I cried myself to sleep last night and I felt like I'm going to feel like this forever. I know that, with time, I'll move on and feel better but I honestly didn't know it would be THIS HARD. I loved that man more than anyone I've ever loved. The thing is though, I was in love with an illusion. I loved Pretend Boy. The Real Boy is a selfish, self involved, self absorbed, shallow Narcissist. He's also not very bright, boring and sarcastic. He found so many ways to devalue me and mock me. I often said that the only way to stay in his life was not to have one of my own.
Jun 1 - 11AM (Reply to #13)
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

finallydone

I'm sorry hon, I know it hurts a lot. Temporary therapy helped me just dump a lot of feelings initially...the shock and anger I had. I had really bad nightmares even before he took off, that he did do just that. At the time, it scared me so much...little did I know I would have to deal with it soon after in real life. It takes time, give yourself permission to grieve, and it's good to remind yourself you did everything in your power and then some to make things work. Can you imagine doing this (giving it your all) in a 'normal' relationship? The rewards would be tremendous! I am realizing that as time goes on, what I miss is being in a relationship, not necessarily him so much anymore. He's the guy who caused this mess that I've been climbing out of. And he is still the same. What gets me through the hard times is just purely doing something good for myself...if that doesn't work, I drudge up some old e-mails from him that were stellar examples of his narcissism. Hang in there!
Jun 1 - 10AM (Reply to #12)
Echo (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

You're okay honey

I thought I was going to die too. You won't stop craving him, you won't stop missing the guy you wanted him to be, you won't know what to do to get through it. Not for a while. What I did was as little as possible. I got out of bed, had breakfast, did whatever I could manage that day. Ate little but often to keep myself going, rested, had friends look after me. You will be sick, with PTSD symptoms, as Barbara says. Therapy will help no end if you can get it. Read, read, read, and post, post, post. It gets better. It takes too long but it gets better. Be brave.
Jun 1 - 10AM (Reply to #11)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

finallydone

you're deprogramming EXACTLY like a cult victim its PTSD and you should be treating it as such. anyway you can pack up ALL that stuff and just get it out? NOW? you will feel better - I promise Short term counseling will help you a WHOLE lot. This takes time. A LOT of time. Months & months of time. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/
Jun 1 - 7AM
lplivefree (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

12 days out

I did leave in a hurry this time. This is the second and last time (HOPEFULLY). I have read so much on narcissism I could right a book, sometimes it helps and sometimes if feels like OCD! Anyway, I was with my narcissistic husband for 7 years and I am going through so many emotions. I am better today than yesterday and that has been how each 12 days has been and that keeps me going. Mine was a verbally abusive, childish, lying, cheating sneak that go worse since June of last year when he first contacted an ex live-in from over 20 years ago and she actually started a relationship back up with him. I spoke with her after the 2nd time I caught him lying and sneaking to her house to see her. She said she didn't want him back, said he did her the same way (sneaking off to see other women while she was at work, etc). However, she continued to call him the second I left for work and they continued to sneak around. The time before the last time I caught him, he said nothing was going on and she was just and old friend and he would stop all contact. Then I caught him the last time and I packed what I could got a hotel for the night and an apartment the next day. He kept calling, lying but never willing to discuss what he did. He did tear up when I went to pick up some belonging's and said he knew he messed up, wanted me back and said he told her never to call him again for anything. Then the next evening when I would not come over he called her! I know this is the right thing but I feel like I lost something and that is a struggle to realize I really had nothing therefore nothing to lose and I will be okay. Anyway I could write so much it would take me days. I am just getting through one day at a time right now.
Jun 1 - 10AM (Reply to #9)
malloryforest
malloryforest's picture

lplivefree

Completely understand what you are going through. My NH did the same thing. I found out about GF right after I gave birth. Lovely huh? Mine did the same stuff. Would say he wanted back, was done with the lies and deceit, and if I did not give him the loving red carpet back to our home, he would immediately hang out with GF. The behavior does not change. THey don't sit back and asses their behavior. THey don't feel remorse. They don't care who they hurt. They just use whoever is available to be used. The hard part is realizing there is nothing to morn except an illusion of what was. None of it was love on their side. You don't just discard people when you truly love. You don't use a person for your own sick needs when you truly love. Sometimes I feel like the last ten years were just a joke. I gained three beautiful children, and I lost a lot of myself. Thankfully it was just ten years. Count your blessings that you have left this man, and even though it is hard, you will build your ownlife.
Mar 3 - 2PM
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Finding Clarity

Thanks for contributing, Maina! You are so right. We owe it to ourselves to be with someone who is capable of love. As hard as it is to move on, it does get easier and you will be so grateful you did. Living with a narcissist is a mind-game no one should endure. Once you see them for who they really are and the further you get away from them, you will begin to see how ridiculous their behavior is, like what Carolyn just posted. Her ex actually had the nerve to ask her if he could stay at her place to save money on a hotel. They are so clueless as to how their behavior impacts others, it is unreal. The sense of entitlement becomes almost comical once you get far enough away from it all. I can tell you that the further you pull away from a narcissist, the further he will validate your decision to leave. His true colors really come out once he realizes you have seen him for who he really is. Trust me, pull back and see how he responds. You won't need any further reassurance that you are doing the right thing. He will make it abundantly clear to you by his mind-boggling behavior. Really, if you let him know you see him for who he really is and then sit back and observe, he will show you through his actions what you need to do. It's like a mask has been taken off of him. His behavior will validate all of your concerns. You will have clarity like you've never had before. Best, Lisa
Jun 1 - 10AM (Reply to #7)
Suzie (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Lisa

I remember when we talked you told me that my N's mentality is that of a five year old. Since then when he talks I try to get a mental image of him as 5. It is difficult to do because he is about 6 feet tall and about 290 lbs. He looks exactly like Bluto from Popeye. And he has a very deep,comanding voice. But his words and his babyish demands are consistant with that of a small child. Evan his vocabulary is limited at times. It is kind of like "I know you are but what am I?" kind of talk. He is a bratt and an bully to say the least. Seeing him for what he REAlLy is has been so enlightning for me. Barbara is so right about the no contact thing. By engaging with him for any reason I am only feeding his insanity. Putting out the empression that he is normal or reasonable or evan in some crazy way a friend of some kind and not my enemy. I think it is high time I put this spoiled little boy in permanent time out. He has lost all his privaledges with me. lol Leah
Mar 3 - 7AM
Carolyn
Carolyn's picture

life after the narcissist it gets easier

after a narcissist, I was married to for 6 years, totally destroyed my life he called me 2 years after the divorce to tell me he was going to a conference in my city and didn't want to pay for a hotel 'could he stay with me'. I was healed by then and hung-up and laughed for days. Carolyn
Mar 9 - 4PM (Reply to #2)
GhostBuster
GhostBuster's picture

I so agree with this...that

I so agree with this...that once the mask is removed their hellish antics are quite comical. I found the strength to break up with and disconnect from my first N and when I finally had peace that he was bad and I had made a great decision for myself, he contacted me via email asking for another chance. At first, I was so angry that he intruded into my more peaceful world, but that didn't last more than an hour or so. I went to the grocery store and just started laughing in the middle of the produce section. He was such a baffoon and I could see that so clearly. I did email him back saying I was 100% sure he was not for me and to leave me alone (and move on himself). Didn't hear from him for another six months and he tried it again--this time with a 2-page letter sent anonymously to my workplace with no return address (so I'd open it...sneak). Anyway, I laughed reading the whole nauseatingly 2-page diatribe about how he'd "changed"...blah, blah. This time, I didn't bother to respond (ultimate humiliation/shame that Ns can't stand) and he's finally left me alone. Bottom line, once you're over the excrutiating dissecting of every detail and pain of love lost (but really, there was no love on his part so it's hard calling it that)...you'll hopefully see them as ridiculous clowns they are (but by that time, they aren't wearing their makeup/mask). Sad, pathetic clowns maybe.
Mar 11 - 7PM (Reply to #3)
ms_jeeves
ms_jeeves's picture

apologies

I am looking forward to getting to this stage quickly. I am definitely still analyzing everything and obsessing about everything. Just before my ex cruelly dumped me... he emailed me a very vague apology... that I didn't really understand. I know it was the best he could do. I found this on the internet: http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/manipulator/apology.shtml and when I read your comment about his letter it reminded me of this. I think I read another link to this website somewhere on this forum... the one about how "special" the new woman is. Both of these articles really spoke to me.
Mar 12 - 12AM (Reply to #4)
Maina (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

You will get there

You will get to this stage in time. Keep reading those articles that remind you that it had nothing to do with you and that this is a pattern Narcissists repeat with everyone they meet. You were not the first and you won't be the last. It's all the same script just different actors. Stay strong. Keep reading on here and stay NO CONTACT!!! take care
Mar 12 - 9AM (Reply to #5)
GhostBuster
GhostBuster's picture

Everyone has their own pace

I agree. You will get there if you stay strong, have no contact and absorb as much info and get the support you need. Seeing the narcissists for who they were was the pivotal beginning of my recover.