I'm feeling sick

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#1 October 30, 2009 - 11:48pm
Anonymous (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I'm feeling sick

I just found out my xN didn't lie to me about his new gf. She has done all the wonderful things he said she did and is doing --such as a lot of special volunteering around the world and is now studying at a school where I once applied to go. Out of all the people in the world he could've met, he met his "ideal" girl(she seems to have a lot of qualities that he once mentioned to me in a casual conversation were part of his ideal woman during which he just stuck to qualities of character and the like). She seems like a strong leader, sure of herself, brave, etc. What is she still doing with him? (over a year and a half) It's a LD relationship where they see each other every few months.. How in the world in the middle of nowhere (literally) did he end up meeting this girl and despite the uncertainty of the relationship,he did everything to be with her?
I am feeling sick to my stomach. I am feeling worthless. I think maybe if I would've been more like her, things would've been different. I don't know how, but I am feeling that she is so much better than me. She has accomplished so much. I remember how he said doing that which I had studied would not save the world but his career could....just like hers. He must admire her so. No wonder he doesn't let her go despite the LD. I am feeling like the world is playing a joke on me. I don't understand it, and I don't know even what to think. Everything seems to be handed to this guy.

November 1, 2009 - 2:15pm
Carolyn's picture

For now. She doesn't have

For now. She doesn't have much contact with him and how do you know any of this is true. It seems strange that he would inform you about her adventures and you would feel that her life activities made her better than you. It is almost as if he set you up. You have your life and she has hers. Do no contact with this guy he is gaming you and making your image of yourself suffer. Wish her well and then start thinking about what you want to do with yourself and your future. this guy is a first class jerk he can't attract anyone think about it she has your reject.
October 31, 2009 - 9:18am
nebraska_sue's picture

Reality vs. Fantasy

First off, Staranew, let me tell you that I understand how you feel. I've recently dealt with similar feelings - how I might have done things different or been more what he wanted, and how he might still be around if I did. But that's a fantasy, not reality. What everyone else is saying is true. There is no happy ending for them. He's found someone to idealize, it's a big high for him. But it's just a matter of time before he starts to undermine the relationship. If you want to be different, be stronger, the type of person that you think this GF is - then do it. Start working towards it. But don't do it for him. Do it because you deserve to be treated with respect.
October 31, 2009 - 7:43am
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture


He LIED??? Wow, that's a new one. Try to focus on you, being good to yourself, and living your life free of this loser. If your not in therapy, I'd suggest it, you need to work on your self-esteem...this really takes a beating as a result what they do to us ("she is so much better than me"). I've seen this time and time again, where some think the new gf is this perfect image. Everyone has flaws hon...but that's besides the point. What you shouldn't envy is the number he's doing on her. She is just the next victim, that's ALL. I had to laugh at the LD comments, I was LD with mine on and off too. This is IDEAL for an N, it plays into their fantasy mentality big time. Plus, not seeing them day in and day out gives less of a chance to see the ugly/evil side of their personality. Just more of an opportunity to fool her. I understand how all this feels, I felt like I was being PUNKED, and hoped someone would step out from behind the curtain to tell me it was all a big joke. That's why I think we obsess so much, it's so far from the norm for us, we can barely comprehend it all. Please try to focus on yourself. I really hate what these guys do to us. One day, you'll be saying, 'I can't believe I used to think I wasn't good enough', and you'll only pity the stupid jerk.
October 31, 2009 - 12:04am
staranew (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Everytime I try to pull

Everytime I try to pull myself up, something pushes me right back down. I just feel so insignificant. I can't compete against anybody. I can just be myself but that doesn't seem to be good enough. I feel so weak. He did often tell me how because I am sensitive and can become quite emotional, I was weak and lacked emotional intelligence (which according to him he did have) I suppose given her profile he doesn't have to worry about her becoming too emotional. She can take care of herself -- another thing he told me I couldn't do.I wasn'e intelligent enough yet she certainly seems to be and the one before me as well. I just don't get it. He has lasted with his two other gfs more than he ever did with me. Did I have so little to give? Was I that insignificant? I know there are other underlying issues. Right now this is such a mess truly.. just when I was getting out and feeling so much better this comes along. My fault! I was fishing for information because it dawned on me the story just seemed too perfect but I guess it is and I hate it when I am right about these things like the time I had a feeling that he had a new gf. I just knew it and we were oceans apart (at the time we were "friends" - narcs are never friends, right?) Thanks for lending an eye to my venting and for being there.
October 31, 2009 - 12:17am (Reply to #6)
Hoping2Heal (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

If she's intelligent and can

If she's intelligent and can take care of herself she'll catch on that he is Screwed in the head or he'll dump her butt when he thinks she's catching on. ALso, he's not going to be with someone who gets more attention than he does. I know how you hurt. My husband just ditched me like I was an old pair of socks. I cant even explain the hurt I feel. DOnt go look for stuff that may hurt you. I have to remind myself of that too as I am tempted to drive by our house and see whos shacking up in my beautiful home with my husband. I juts remember its NOT going to change HIM but it WILL hurt ME alot more (if thats possible). Just say NO!
October 31, 2009 - 1:53am (Reply to #7)
staranew (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I am so sorry to hear that

I am so sorry to hear that you are going through such a diffcult time. I guess KNOWING that he will NEVER change helps us to realize that there was nothing we could do for things to turn out differently. Eventually the outcome was going to be the same and will be the same for those involved with N's no matter what the ride looks like. xN is very clever in catching on to things as he has been up to this point the first to end the relationship, but as they are LD, I have no idea how that is playing out. I just know my own LD experience with him. I know he split up with his first gf by phone - at the time LD due to exchange studies. Whatever the situation, I can't believe that I actually get sick to my stomach over this.
October 31, 2009 - 12:05am (Reply to #2)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

stop comparing yourself

so she hasn't seen the real him just because she's actually a nice person doesn't mean YOU ARE NOT. He told you all that to HURT YOU. ON PURPOSE. http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/04/11/other-woman-now-hes-happy-her He's not going to keep her... that's for sure. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ My Abuse Information Site Online Coaching & Help
October 31, 2009 - 1:41am (Reply to #3)
staranew (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Thank you BarbaraI know

Thank you Barbara I know intelectually and from experience that they never change, and they actually may escalate their abuse. It is just hard to believe that he could do to her what he did to me.If she hasn't seen the real him, he must be working real hard to cover it up because it was pretty obvious from the beginnning that he liked to manipulate. I actually thought when he told me she was going off to study that he would break up with her because he cannot stand being broken up with so he up to this point has done the honors. Given who she seems to be, and especially because she is in a very dynamic environment where his intellectual capacities do not compare to hers, she could so easily find someone much more attractive in the whole sense of the word given that they are LD ...unless he has such a hold over her that even she, a woman who has seen the raw world, is not aware of it. I just think to myself that the gf before me and the one after have a lot of things in common as to their career and profile I seem to be the odd one out and the one he spent the least time with He did break up with the first after more than three years (college mates) because he was "bored," but this one seems to offer the total package he was searching for. He told me she was not "too bad" in terms of looks. I saw a pic of her and she reminded me of his mother..
October 31, 2009 - 2:35am (Reply to #4)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture


STOP trying to analyze why he picks who he picks. Pathologicals are creatures of opportunity. Many of them pick on basically good people. Some use looks, some use financial status, some use decent, trusting types. There's no set rhyme or reason to it... STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP ABOUT A NON-HUMAN DIRTBAG ~~~~~~~~~~~~ My Abuse Information Site Online Coaching & Help
October 31, 2009 - 12:44pm (Reply to #5)
itreallyisabouthim's picture

I have observed that even

I have observed that even people who appear and actually are "together" can be drawn to unhealthy people. It happened to you, right? If they appear to be getting along very well there are two possible explanations that immediately come to mind. 1) Long distance. Easy to keep up a facade long distance! 2) She may be coming to her senses right NOW. You have no way of knowing the internal forces at work in a relationship by viewing the shiny exterior. Try not to get too caught up in it. I know it's easier said than done, though. As soon as my STBX gets involved I know I'll be feeling the same way you are...