I moved everything out today...NC Day #1

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#1 December 1, 2009 - 12:52am
Anonymous (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I moved everything out today...NC Day #1

Last night, he was clearly agitated that I really did have a place lined up and I was REALLY moving. It always amazes me that he is so "shaken up" over this...I've done it 4 different times in the 7 yrs together - with full blown conversations telling him weeks in advance. However, he tells me that he is moving every month around the week the rent is due. EVERY month - I ask him specifics and, well, you know you can't ask an N to explain his lies as truthes.

I went to get last coouple things this afternoon and leave the keys (while he was at work, of course, I even drove by to make sure his car was there), I walked into the room I just vacated (I left HIS bed, even though he hasn't slept on it in a year..he's had it 18 months) and it was completely taken down and leaning on the wall of the empty room.

I thought this an odd scene, since he has been sleeping on the floor in the other room for the past year and my replacement, Jenny, has had to sleep on the couch for the past month. It was eerie, it was almost as if the room screamed "if she isn't here, no one can sleep in here!"

And, if history repeats itself, in about a week, Jenny will be getting a healthy dose of N...he will blame her for my leaving, even though this was all his doing and my smart decision.

He has no idea where I moved to, I changed all of my numbers, converted all of my email addresses to my maiden name (so he can't easily email me right away) and discontinued internet/phone service (that I, of course, was paying for) to disarm him as much as possible.

Day 1 of NC. Success! I can't lie, I went from rage to uncontrollable tears all day today trying to cope with the inhuman way he just dumped me on the side of the road after 4 years of marriage. I was ALWAYS there for him, but now that I lost my job 30 days ago, I am TRASH, literally, GARBAGE that was discarded. I get it now. Thanks to this site. But I will never "get it" again. I have made the decision in my soul that I will not let these horrible experiences of the past 7 years hinder me from eventually loving and thriving again sometime in the near future! He tried, almost damn near succeeded - if I were to fall for his next predatory attack (coming within 2 weeks or less no doubt), I think that would be my last train out and I would never come back.

Bring it on! NC is for me. I knew that the first time, but I am living it this time.

Thank you for listening!

December 13, 2009 - 3:05am
mmacali (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

It's late and I'm tired

But, xN sent a text to my sister (my phone is off). Apparently he received the default filing for our divorce (which means he can no longer contest, stop, or ask for spousal support). Since the words "court ordered" and "restraining orders" were on the docs, he thought he was now free and clear of any violation of previous criminal restraining orders. OK, whatever. Then, after hearing this, I turned on my cell phone (shouldn't have, but did, I am the one who is calling the shots now). He had called. He left a VM stating that he "just wanted to see if I wanted to hang out" and "you used to be cool, I don't understand why you are not being cool now". This means, in the past I caved relatively quickly and it didn't take much for me to get naked with him. I like not being cool. Phone number should be switched tomorrow. I told my sister to honor my huge stance and practice NC along with me, good lord, he's charming but he is crazy. I'm a little on edge. My cat is sitting at the front door as if she knows he is coming...but he does NOT have my address and I live with an attorney who is completely abreast of the gory details (thank goodness for normal people, I tend to forget they exist). I feel safe. I appreciate each and every one of the good souls on this site. Without you all, I'd be in "heavenly bliss" with my N tonight forcing back the hate, anger, and resentment that boils under my skin hoping he really does mean all the things he says tonight. Fighting tears, choking on a bottle of vodka while he's not looking, and ignoring the reality that faces me in 12 hours. Nothing he does will ever take away the power of knowledge. A narcissist is pure evil. Thank you thank you thank you
December 12, 2009 - 1:19pm
mmacali (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

NC #12 and here it begins...

So, I posted that the other day my xN was trying to accuse me of "tampering" with his car, but since I didn't react in any fashion, he quickly dropped that rant and rage. This morning I wake up to find a text on my cell phone (I knew it wouldn't take long for him to get ahold of my number...I may have to change it again). It read (in all caps, of course - I love the irony): "Want to go to Vegas for New Years or u not ever talking to me ever??" So, the great things is, I am choosing option #2 of his ultimatium and by choosing that option, I am not required to respond. No contact. Zero. If he continues with the texts (and I know he will) or starts to call, I will have to change my number. I just don't want to hear the "I love you and can't live without out" crap this time around. I am stronger today than I thought I'd be. Any thoughts?
December 12, 2009 - 6:28pm (Reply to #36)
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

mmacali

Oh brother, what a D-bag. I get so sick of how they minimize everything. Good for you to keep up the NC - he is going crrraaazzyyy! (crazier, actually) hehe
December 12, 2009 - 6:40pm (Reply to #37)
mmacali (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Hey People

It should only get more interesting from here. The problem that makes it so very important that I go NC is the fact that I have been the breadwinner, he can't financially make it without someone else...and I made a lot of money, so not just "any" OW will do. I often mention he now lives with Jenny, but she will not nearly come close to the supply he requires. This is why I am not concerned about OW...I can only pray that he finds an OW. Couple that with the fact that I am pretty, I have lots of friends, am loyal, honest, trustworthy, and stable (well, I was til he came along), my xN is losing everything and it will take more than 1 person for him to find supply from to equal what he had with me. He has nothing to lose. That's the really scary part. He will be desperate shortly and that is dangerous.
December 12, 2009 - 5:14pm (Reply to #34)
Amazed
Amazed's picture

Are you KIDDING ME MMACALI!!

I can't believe,,,,after all you have been through,,he is thinking Vegas. Acting like nothing,,,nothing happened. What a screwed up tactic. Keep taking the other path,,your future will be much brighter, much happier, and you will see what evil he inflicted on you,,it will become very clear,,,and he will be TOTALLY UNDESIREABLE,, in time. They are truly evil,,and seek to destroy people. Stay away!!! Run for your life fast the other direction!!!
December 12, 2009 - 6:16pm (Reply to #35)
mmacali (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

NOT KIDDING

My xN is pretty much a textbook N. When I said that listening to Lisa's radio blog spoke directly to me, I meant it. He lives in a fantasy world. If it weren't for this website, I would still be his rat running around his wheel. My girlfriends want to puke. I, however, am not surprised. I have called my cell company. It will take 24 hours for the number change. It's turned off as of now. ; )
December 12, 2009 - 1:38pm (Reply to #31)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

mmacali

call your cell company and have him blocked. they are unbelievable aren't they? ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website
December 12, 2009 - 7:16pm (Reply to #32)
mmacali (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

You know what, Barbara

I now have the tools to see an N coming from a mile away. Simple things that I dismissed as "unusual" when I first met this loser are distinctly obvious warning signs. Anyone who types in all caps, forget it. Anyone who sends you flowers because they are worried you want to end the relationship, forget it. Anyone who has a stack of traffic tickets, forget it!
December 12, 2009 - 9:02pm (Reply to #33)
destiny (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

all caps

thank You! you just helped me add one to my list. My Narc..would type in all caps too and big bold font. I ignored so many flags like the nite two weeks into seeing eachother I wasnt picking up my phone...so he kept calling, texting, emailing, myspacing...even went into the chat we frequented asking if anyone saw me!! I thought it showed he cared...now I see he was worried I ran off. He actually emailed me that nite saying that it is not how you end something with someone to ignore them (hmm guess blocking is ok though) He did the all caps thing and bold font , large type with the OW too. “It's not hard to find the truth. What is hard is not to run away from it once you have found it.”
December 10, 2009 - 7:39pm
mmacali (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

NC Day #11

So, today I got wind of what my N is up to. In the past, it took about 10ish days of me not contacting him before he started getting worried. I would typically get a call or a visit from him screaming and yelling some type of accusations or blame. Just on schedule, to the day, he called my girlfriend (the only one he is fairly certain will relay a message) and was in a rage. He rambled off to her that his car had been "tampered" with while he was at work (he works 10am - 6pm, so in broad daylight) and that he knows it's me and that he called the police, they were "on their way", and he plans to press charges. My girlfriend, knowing him even longer that I have, asked what exactly does "tampered" mean and told him that he needs to understand that I am gone and I have no reason, means, nor need to be angry anymore. She suggested he look elsewhere for the culprit (if there even was anything that happened to his car) and directed him towards the boyfriend of Jenny (the girl who moved in to replace me). So, the storm is brewing and if it weren't for my careful planning to make certain he cannot find me, I feel quite safe and very thankful that I have decided to go NC. I am sure in a few days, when he realizes that I am not phased and am not responding to this ridiculous accusation, things will turn to him being depressed and trying even harder to find me to express his undying love. He will not receive any kind contact or word from me. Any thoughts?
December 10, 2009 - 11:02pm (Reply to #28)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

mmacali

stick with No Contact tell your friend to blow him off... if he calls the police - big deal. If the police come to see you just say CALMLY (and no matter what even the police say REMAIN CALM) that you broke up with him because of his abuse and he's using drama (like calling them) to try to get back in touch with you. Give them any information they need but stay calm and friendly. They'll go back to him as if he just 'cried wolf.' He will step it up... dying of cancer... in the hospital... dead parent... you name it - ANYTHING TO GET A REACTION AND CAUSE CONTACT. No matter how much you might want to - NO CONTACT!!!! ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website
December 11, 2009 - 7:55pm (Reply to #29)
mmacali (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Crying Wolf - Barbara

The police never came and my friend, after insisting he give details about the "tampering", said he averted the question and acted as if it was a non-issue. HOWEVER, that was round number one...I am aware of this. Next it will be the sympathy card. Shortly. No contact is the best advice I can give to anyone else just joining. Especially if you've been there, done that before. I liked the show last night. I think it was important that labeling Tiger a sex addict is a "cop-out" and makes him seem like the victim. He's a N, he was raised by an N, I would imagine. Poor him - bull. Poor children more like it.
December 8, 2009 - 6:41am
James (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Between a rock and a hard place..

NC is never an easy choice but many times it's the only choice. Good luck mmacali. Personally being in NC for 3 years, I can say it only gets better and easier as the days months and years passes. http://james-personalitydisorder.blogspot.com/
December 8, 2009 - 1:06am
Klarity Belle
Klarity Belle's picture

Another NC resource

http://gettingpastyourpast.wordpress.com/ This blog is built around the NC philosophy and there are some great articles as well as NC cyber chips to claim every month! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "The deeper that sadness carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." ~ Kahlil Gibran http://www.storyofmylife.com/KLARITY4

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The deeper that sadness carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." ~ Kahlil Gibran

"That which we do not confront in ourselves we meet as fate" ~ Carl Jung

http://www.storyofmylife.com/KLARITY4

December 8, 2009 - 10:25am (Reply to #21)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

yes but...

I have linked to a lot of Susan Elliot's stuff. My ONLY issue with her is her belief in Codependency. I believe codependency is a MYTH, particularly with a pathological; as does Sandra Brown, MA. ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website
December 8, 2009 - 6:46pm (Reply to #23)
Klarity Belle
Klarity Belle's picture

Does codependency exist?

I think this is interesting to think about. From my own experiences, I do believe that there is something in me that has attracted partners with strong PD tendencies, there have been too many of them to put it down to bad luck. As I worked on myself over the years I moved away from the narcissistic or bpd types who displayed mean or hateful characteristics towards the more introvert or avoidant types who beneath their behaviours were pretty kind and caring people. The common denominator amongst them all was that they were not capable of sharing an intimate loving relationship, they were all emotionally unavailable. I do see something in me that has unconciously 'chosen' these types even though conciously I was looking for an intimate loving relationship. Not saying I have any answers here but I do see patterns in myself that I am working on and as I unravel/heal my own past hurts and adaptive behaviours, the pull to these 'types' is lessening. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "The deeper that sadness carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." ~ Kahlil Gibran http://www.storyofmylife.com/KLARITY4

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The deeper that sadness carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." ~ Kahlil Gibran

"That which we do not confront in ourselves we meet as fate" ~ Carl Jung

http://www.storyofmylife.com/KLARITY4

December 8, 2009 - 10:27pm (Reply to #25)
mmacali (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

KLARITY & PD Magnet Thoughts

No way am I responsible in any way for anything in my N relationship. I had normal, loving bf's before that. Sure, I was a little neurotic and demanding and I could be jealous at times with some of them, but NONE of them lured me into abuse/caring/abuse/love/abuse/blame/abuse, etc. Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hide was a term coined here on this website and I've only dated ONE of those...that's my xN. We all have areas we can improve upon within ourselves to make us a better partner to our loved one, that's normal and I am not saying I am perfect, but the N situation is simply not normal. My N was not human. It's just as simple and as complex as that. It's not me. It's not you either, KLARITY.
December 12, 2009 - 7:41pm (Reply to #24)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

codependency? NOT....

NOT in abusive relationships it doesn't and NOT with Narcs, Sociopaths or Psychopaths. NOPE. http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/03/23/my-little-rant-co-dependence-and-co-narcissism-0 You need to read the blog posts about being UNDER HIS SPELL. YOU DID NOT CHOOSE, VOLUNTEER or BRING THE ABUSER INTO YOUR LIFE. NO WAY... and get far away from ANYONE who even SUGGESTS that bullsh*t to you! YOU WERE A TARGET! PERIOD ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website
December 8, 2009 - 4:11pm (Reply to #22)
mmacali (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I tend to agree, Barbara

Co-dependency almost disqulaifies a "mutual" relationship as blaming someone and making it "someone's" fault. In my situation, I am not dependent on my N for anything, I just wanted his love and approval, as everyone should be entitled to. The mere fact that he is an N, explains why I never received that. I needed answers. It's like banging your head against a wall being with an N. The knowledge that an N is an N has clarified all of that. It's just that simple. There is nothing more to it. It's not my fault, there's nothing wrong with me, I have no control over his disorder...all I can do is practice NC long enough to find a non-N and I am pretty sure I will need a little more therapy in the future when I realize "what was I thinking?", but I doubt it. Lisa's explanation of what Narcissism spoke to me word-for-word...I mean, I can't tell you the light bulb's and ah-ha's that de-brainwashed me the day I listened to her blog talk radio casts! It was literally like a huge wave rippled through my brain and re-washed it back to normal!
December 7, 2009 - 10:31pm
NanC (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Mmacali

You only left him 4 times in 7 years? I left mine tons of times in seven yrs but then again, i was never married to him. Now that i look back, i wish i had left him & never looked back after the first few months of knowing him. I knew there was something dysfunctional about him. I guess i just thought i could fix him! You are sooo lucky that you can just up & leave with no real reason to look back. Its going to hurt really bad sometimes but take it from someone that went back sooo many times (i really can't tell you how many times i tried) & it never ever changed. It always went back to how it was. Be very glad u didn't have children with him like some of us. You don't have to put up with the reminder of a screwed up relationship & see your exN with someone else. I think we all truly loved these men with all of our hearts & souls. I would do without so he could have before me. In the long run, we will all be better off.
December 7, 2009 - 11:14pm (Reply to #19)
mmacali (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Hi NanC

I physically picked up and moved all of my things, my cat, signed leases, got help from family/friends 4 times, yes. This does not include the 12+ court-ordered restraining orders imposed by the DA's in our county requiring that he stay away from me. He, unlike other N's, NEVER left me. I made over 6 figs, so he couldn't leave me (even though I offered to help him move out by paying for it). This website filled in all of the gaps for me because, when I lost my job at the end of October with no severance or savings, I was devastated that he had a "friend" move in to help out with the rent (the two of them together still can't afford it). I felt like I was only as good as the paper the rent check was written on. Not to mention, I am pretty, smart, intelligent, and well-loved by everyone who meets me. My N was an intellectual-type, in fact, I thought he was perhaps gay. It may seem that I am washing my hands clean and that this is so easy for me, but it's taking every ounce of my being to stay positive and not look back. If it were not for Lisa's publication on Narcissicism, I'd be back, no doubt. I couldn't bear not knowing "why" in the past. I felt like a failure and wondered what I did wrong. I sought out help via information on the net when I decided to move out this (4th) time because I knew I had to move out emotionally - physically has never worked. I'm only as strong as everyone else's strength on this site. It's only been 8 days...that's a big deal to me. But it hasn't sunk in for my N yet and, trust me, I would love nothing more for him to ride up on his white horse and rescue me and my kitty from this tiny room and make this scary reality of life without him all go away. But it's just an act and only a dream. It's not real. I think that everyone on this website that doesn't understand this should know that I am here, personally, because I believe whole-heartedly that Narcissists DO exist, they are evil, and the only way to be free is to never induldge them in their sick fantasies again. Good luck, NanC. Thank you for your post. I learned more in the past week from this website than I have in all of my life.
December 5, 2009 - 1:56pm
Carolyn
Carolyn's picture

There is a book called "Five

There is a book called "Five Simple Steps to Emotional Healing" by gloria Arensen it might be helpful. you are really going through a tough time losing your job and then being emotionally abused. these things coming at the same time are eally challenging. I hope you find a great new job and a great new guy. sometimes fate or life just clears the decks for the next experiences coming towards you. Make sure you know that there is life after this loser and whoever the next woman is she is on board for abuse be glad that you are gone from all of that.
December 5, 2009 - 8:33pm (Reply to #14)
mmacali (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

NC Day #6 Thanks Carolyn !

I will check this book out for sure. Ironically, I was looking for a way to emotionally detach from my ex prior to moving out (again) because I knew that history would repeat itself if I didn't have some type of help/therapy. That's how I found this website and learned I was dealing with an N! Good god, so many questions were answered and, desipte divorcing, losing my job, moving, etc. all in 30 days, I am in a better position than I have been in 7 years! I appreciate the suggestion...I see the book on Amazon for $7.98. It's Day 6 and still NC!!! I know he will be pounding the pavement for me shortly, but I have gone to great lengths to make it extremely difficult for him to find me. In the past, I was my own worst enemy, caving in after succeeding in leaving him. There is a small part of me that would just love to tell him, "I figured it out, you are a narc and I want nothing to do with you". However, after extensive researching, I know this is a pointless effort and waste of words. I'd much rather say it to you all! This just may be the best time of my life...he is the reason I am unemployed and renting a tiny room afterall, really. TY!
December 6, 2009 - 6:59am (Reply to #15)
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

maccali

Do not believe that he has changed no matter what he says or does! You have changed. He will sense that. He may become very fragmented & disordered when he realizes that he's not in control. Really . . . NC. Do not engage him. I left mine on May 2. He & I own a house together. But, like you, I now live in a rented room. I still have my job, thank heaven. The price of getting away is very high--emotionally & financially. But it's so worth it. Do not get sucked back in. He will totally, totally destroy you if you do. If your prize dog runs away, and then you find him again, you build a higher fence to keep him from running away again. If you go back, the abuse will escalate. Do not "unmask" him. Do not tell him what you think he is. First, that is "engaging" him because of a hope that he may have a realization & change. That won't happen. Second, he will become even more dangerous. A cornered animal always lashes out. He will seek to destroy you even more. Starve the vampire. No contact. Keep us posted.
December 6, 2009 - 4:49pm (Reply to #16)
mmacali (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Yep, agnesmurphy

You are right on about the "cornered animal" behavior. Everyday of NC makes me feel stronger, smarter, and more beautiful. He can wallow in his misery (well, the misery he creates for all the future victims), I can't take that ride anymore! I think the best decision I made was to make this move while unemployed. He literally can't find me anywhere right now and I feel SAFE. Not to sound like an N, but I am very proud of myself right now! I love having all of you to be accountable to regarding my NC, it makes me excited to get on here an post...Day #7 of NC! Thank you!
December 6, 2009 - 4:56pm (Reply to #17)
Ellen
Ellen's picture

keep going

Hi mmacali, Keep going. I am now NC about 14 weeks ish possibly 12. He left around 8 months ago and time has flown by. I am functioning better every day. I don't feel too bad about xmas either. I feel more hope for myself for the future life i am working on every day. I also feel safe even though ex knows where i am. I feel safe cos i don't think this will ever happen to me again. I am far too careful and cautious now plus not interested. I am happy with my children and no emotional rubbish from elsewhere. You are doing really well.
December 4, 2009 - 10:03pm
mmacali (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

NC Day #5

I am feeling pretty damn good. NC is the only way to go. Thank you all for supporting me through this tough time. Without this site, I would have kept going back to him trying to "figure out" how to fix him. F that. He's irrepairable...but I am repairable! He threw me out like garbage. I repeat this over and over and it works. It's the truth. And one man's trash is another man's treasure. I won't go back. I will continue to post to keep you all updated. Thank you, my friends.
December 5, 2009 - 8:15am (Reply to #12)
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

congrats!

YOU KEEP IT UP, GIRL! YAY!!!!!! :)
December 5, 2009 - 7:37am (Reply to #11)
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

mmacali

Totally excellent! Keep us posted with updates. Remember, he may start "hoovering." Stay strong.
December 3, 2009 - 3:06pm
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

How's the NC going?

Let us know how it's going for you. NC is the only way. My N threatened to divorce me every month starting shortly after I married him. We were married 2 1/2 years when I left. He was "stunned" that I abandoned him. Didn't mean he wanted a divorce. These guys are just so abusive & inconsistent & just plain NUTS! Never go back. No contact! You have already paid too high a price. Be strong.
December 2, 2009 - 8:42am
itreallyisabouthim
itreallyisabouthim's picture

Good for you. Time is your

Good for you. Time is your friend but I know right now it's just plain hard. Lots of hot baths and gentleness to yourself, right? You just did something amazing!
December 1, 2009 - 7:41am
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

mmacali - great job

http://www.lisaescott.com/2009/08/01/no-no-list-after-you-or-he-leaves http://www.lisaescott.com/2009/09/11/what-no-contact-means http://www.lisaescott.com/2009/07/31/there-no-such-thing-safe-level-contact ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free. But first, it will piss you off. - Gloria Steinem
December 1, 2009 - 7:54am (Reply to #2)
4joys4
4joys4's picture

mmacali

This is a step out. Good for you. Now the hard part starts. Do everything you can for support. I cant stress how important this is. I am divorced and will never again see the N, but the mind games continue. And the brainwashing they did when you were with them takes a long time to wear off. I have slipped, but am back on track. Everything written on this site is true, although in the beginning, I couldnt believe a person could be that evil and I was in the presence of one. Good luck.
December 1, 2009 - 9:38pm (Reply to #3)
mmacali (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

NC Day #2

Thank you 4joy4. You are correct, even if my N is not present and up in my face, the brainwashing is present. I have to keep reminding myself that he "threw me out like garbage." That statement in my head seems to be helping for now because I find myself gravitating to "well, maybe he really wanted me to stay and he just wanted to see if I would really leave"...this is CRAP! I've been through that before. The NC seems the only way to go for me. I want so badly for him to provide the love and caring and initimacy I've always desired from him (and trust me, he ALWAYS provided this when he was worried I wasn't coming back - I've been through that devasting 2-day fake bliss many times). However, he did throw me out like garbage, like a serial killer would do to his victim, and that seems to make sense in my fragile emotional state of mind. This site is important to my success. Every time I can't get on it to read, re-read, post, I get nervous that I am going to throw away all of the tedious, painful, and overwhelming lengths I went to see NC Day #2. It's not like I haven't done ALL of this before, thrice over, but I know, deep down in my soul, that if I slip this time, I may be damaged to the point of never finding true happiness. Thank you all.
December 2, 2009 - 8:51am (Reply to #4)
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

mmacali

YAY! Good for you! Just keep reminding yourself too that it takes lots of time and diligence to work through recovery. There were days early on I just wanted to fast forward a year so I wouldn't be in so much pain, patiently waiting for some relief. Keep it up, it's not easy but many of us can tell you that sticking to strict NC works wonders.
December 5, 2009 - 1:11am (Reply to #5)
mmacali (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

quietude

Yes, if I could fast forward life to a year from today, that would be great. But I can't. I have to live with an uncomfortable "empty" reality for a while. It's only temporary, though. There is another dimension to my situation that I have not addressed. I am an alcoholic with a very addictive personality. I typically pick up more bad habits than I can drop...a perfect environment for an N. Don't think he let one day go by without reminding me why he is the "victim" - all of his wrongdoing is because I am an alcoholic. This being said, I want to mention that my drinking has curtailed in the past 5 days. I no longer have to "drink myself" to sleep. I no longer have to use alcohol to try and avoid thinking about the abusive monster I can't seem to please in the next room. I finally have the freedom to choose whether or not I drink...because he literally drove me to drink. It's my only bad habit that he could exploit. I pray for more good things to come...everyday is one more day I get closer to peace.
December 6, 2009 - 5:33pm (Reply to #6)
itreallyisabouthim
itreallyisabouthim's picture

mmacali

You are taking some major steps - wow! I want to say that am a recovering alcoholic and believe me, I know fully well how this makes everything all my fault to my STBX N. The irony there is that part of my recovery is to take responsibility for my actions, so of course that makes me an easy target to the N. He once got hold of my "inventory" and used what he read there to lay waste to me. That'll teach me to work on myself, eh? Anyway, I am 8 years in AA and it is immensely helpful to have the steps to use in times like these. I don't know where I would be without the support and saneness that I get from my mates in the program. They help me laugh through this all. But as far as taking responsibility for my part in things, one thing the steps also have done for me is to see what is NOT my part. I can leave HIS part to him and not take it on. Just because I have this issue does NOT mean everything is my fault. Sadly, though, it does mean that as a N he can make it so. I once told him perhaps one day he will want to look at his part in things, too, to gain some perspective and balance. NOT!!! Anyway, I applaud you for looking at your drinking. I just wanted to say that I feel very supported and loved in the program. In case you hadn't considered attending, it is not only a powerful antidote to our problem, it can be a lot of fun and laughter, too.
December 7, 2009 - 7:00pm (Reply to #7)
mmacali (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

itreallyisabouthim

Thank you, itreallyisabouthim, I have long been contemplating attending AA, as I have scoured the four corners of the earth trying to find a cure for alcoholism and my research always leads back to one thing: AA. And yes, it was blame factor #1 for my xN to throw in my face. It came down to me really taking a step back (this was a year ago) and believing that I definitely was the problem. However, when I made the decision to go to AA and really confront my problem head on guess who didn't want anything to do with assisting/supporting me in my recovery? Yep, the trusty-old N! I would go a whole week without drinking and he didn't even notice! That was a bomb of confusion! Why wouldn't someone who loves you want to support you in any way possible in order to resolve the one "problem" that was ruining your marriage? It suddenly became clear that my drinking wasn't the problem...it was a symptom of something else. I am so glad you posted this because I need to start attending meetings. There is no way I would have been able to while being with xN...that would have meant I may actually be taking care of ME - which infringed on N's plans/needs. It's much easier to separate the two problems I am dealing with by excuting NC. Day #8...if I can stick to NC with my xN, then I can do anything! thnk you.