How do I get past feeling sorry for him

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#1 Jun 3 - 8PM
Anonymous (not verified)
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How do I get past feeling sorry for him

Married to my soon-to-be-ex (the narcissist) for almost 9 years. Moved out 1 year ago. We own a business together that is struggling due to the economy (?)
He made a stupid career move after I moved out. He has an MBA and was making a good income with great benefits. He was always dissatified with the job because he thought he was so much better.
Anyway, things look like they are going to implode on him and he is very depressed. However, still not able to see things for what they are, be honest about his decisions - you know the drill. He turned 60 last week and I know how hard that probably was on him.
My daughter helped me to realize that what I am mourning is the loss of "what I thought our marriage could have been".
I'm sure that this is what happens in divorces even when narcissism isn't involved.
I think the fact that he is older brings a very different perspective to narcissism. Do men that are entering the supposed retirement years handle things differently?
How do I get past feeling sorry for him? Worrying about his well-being? Maybe even suicidal thoughts (his, not mine)?
Gloria

Jun 3 - 9PM
Carolyn
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It seems to get worse and

It seems to get worse and they seem more helpless as they get older. They don't have emotional intelligence so as their bodies age the difference between their intellect and their emotional intelligence becomes more and more noticeable and they become more and more pathetic. You didn't mention what you are doing do you have a stake in the business, a job, you have a daughter what is your plan for you. Don't entertain thoughts about him as there is nothing that you can do. Shakti Gawain's classic book on Visualization and a good book on the Law of Attraction might reset your focus 'switch' on you and off of him. You will always feel sorry for him when you leave it is a bit like abandoning a child. he is not a child and your new life is here now go for it!
Jun 5 - 8PM (Reply to #21)
gloriakal (not verified)
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Thanks for the advice. I

Thanks for the advice. I think it will be a good idea for me, for awhile, to stop by this site. When I think of things he said about his life, I realize that he has been depressed all his life. My being in or out of his life makes no difference. His "current depressed state" has more to do with his recent poor career change and his aging.
Jun 3 - 10PM (Reply to #2)
grossot
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log in!

Keep logging on girl. We'll help u realize the truth He doesn't need your sympathy. He cannot feel it or experience it anyway. Everytime you feel sorry for him do something for yourself! I feel shame for my N. Sometimes I do feel sorry b/c the judge ordered him to pay mortgage and all debt. He had to pay for the house and property appraisal. I know he's running out of money. But then I remember how he locked me out and would not let me take my things. How he put the garage door down when I was standing under it at night in an ice storm last december. How he conned me into buying him a new cell phone when were working things out, gave me his hand me down phone (the one I had found texts from his gf on), then locked me out of his new phone. Yep, that about does it for me! nolongercontrolled
Jun 4 - 10AM (Reply to #3)
GhostBuster
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Empathy

For me, I think it's important for me to maintain some level of empathy for my ex Ns. Not so much that I resume a relationship with them (or any contact at all), but I think there are some things in both of their upbringings that could have led them to latch onto narcissism as a coping mechanism. As an empathic person, I have a need to understand this and feel for them on some level....but never EVER forget how they treated me or the hell they put me through. And never ever give them the chance to do it again. After all, isn't empathy one of the main things that separates us from these creatures? I struggle every day with balancing my inherent empathy with the anger and disgust I feel for what they did to me. While I'm concerned that I may never be able to trust another man again, I'm more concerned that the horrors of being involved with narcissists (and likely raised by one too) might chip away at my empathy--One of the traits in myself that I've always been most proud of. I do realize, though, that my empathy led me to overlook some of the warning signs that could have prevented me from getting in deeper with these Ns. It's a puzzle I'm still trying to figure out.
Jun 4 - 11AM (Reply to #9)
finallydone
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I agree

This is very difficult.... to have no empathy is to be like them. I don't want to stay angry and hateful. That's how I feel right now... mixed in with incredible sadness. The trick has to be in not letting them play on the sympathies.... but not losing the sympathy from a distance. At least that's what I think. I start to hate myself more for hating him. And I don't want to lose that quality in myself. I just don't know.... I think I go back and forth every 10 minutes. Literally.
Jun 5 - 11PM (Reply to #10)
grossot
grossot's picture

I don't feel hate now. Never

I don't feel hate now. Never wanted to be hateful. But you know what I'm realizing? Everytime I have my own opinion or heaven forbid dissagree with His Majesty he calls me hateful. I truely want him to get help! Isn't that the way he's going to see the frustration he causes when he beats me down emotionally? Finallydone are you sure your N is not condemning you and that's why you say you feel angry or hateful and sad? Funny how they can tell us how to feel when they don't even know how to feel! nolongercontrolled
Jun 7 - 12AM (Reply to #20)
Suzie (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Amazing

IM hateful too.lol... That is what my husband always says to me too,and he is usually sure to add in that I am a terrible person and that I don't care about what he thinks or feels and that I don't love him and never have. If I did love him or care about him then I would do what I am supposed to do. He says that is why he doesn't care about me.
Jun 6 - 10AM (Reply to #11)
finallydone
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Hi, oh yes he condemns me

Hi, oh yes he condemns me all the time. I'm abusive, a know it all, bossy, uncaring, an fing B, even a disgusting piece of S___. All his words. But I guess everytime I feel hateful then I feel worse because I don't want to be like him. Know what I mean? You probably can all relate. :)
Jun 6 - 11PM (Reply to #18)
malloryforest
malloryforest's picture

Empathy

I must say that I feel very little empathy at this point for my STBXNH. I am a very empathetic person, but I have gotten to the point where I am not empathetic with him. I don't think we have to be empathetic to our abusers, and that does NOT make us like them. Yes these men are sick, but they are adults who are RESPONSIBLE for their behavior, and RESPONSIBLE for how they treat others. I think we should continue being caring, understanding women, but we can choose who deserves our empathy! I think my STBXNH feeds off of others empathy. He gets to play victim! Oh poor man...his family is away, his kids are gone, poor baby. He chose this outcome! He put himself first. I just think these men never change. They just continue blaming others, and using others, and never sit back with any real enlightenment. I think the key is to free yourself of any responsibility to their emotions. They are responsible for their own lives. Mine also called me a bitch, controlling, angry, the wicked witch of the west, and you name it. They say these things to justify their sick behavior. We don't deserve this abuse!!!!! If I have empathy...it is for any children raised by these people. I have empathy for any woman who gets involved with these sickos, even my STBXNH GF! She is just setting herself for the same abuse as I went through. We just shouldn't get stuck in hate. They are not worth our hate. Hate binds us to them. I think the next step in healing is focusing on creating the best life we can for ourselves and for our children. It is hard to let go of the hate. The hate can become an obsession. In time, I hope to be totally free of him emotionally. That is the best revenge.
Jun 7 - 12AM (Reply to #19)
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

mallory

Lack of empathy for them = a very good sign. There are very few people we'd feel this way about. You are so right, give it to those who deserve it. Deep down, I don't hate mine either. I admit I try my best to bury any feelings of feeling sorry for his 'inner child'. That's not based in the here and now, and not enough to sustain a relationship, include dealing with 99% of him that is this vile person. Anger is healthy, hating does kind of keep you stuck...agreed.
Jun 6 - 11AM (Reply to #12)
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

opposites

finallydone, I feel we are opposites of them, afterall...that's why they fell for us. We are essentially strong, together, intelligent, loving, compassionate and empathetic people. I've had to remind myself of this after he tried so hard to tare me down. That is their goal, and how great they think they are to take down this amazing normal person...what an achievement. Mine told me I was too bossy too, and why? Because I had an opinion, not that I stomped around imposing my opinion in an unfair way above everyone else's. Just that I had one was reason enough. He thought it was cute and funny to call me a bit**. I told him I didn't appreciate it. He told me that if he's not allowed to speak his mind, then our communication is screwed. Nice. They tell us the opposite of what we really are in order to confuse, control, and overpower us. Your 'hateful' feelings are normal, there is nothing wrong with being very angry about being in such an emotionally devastating situation. My anger comes and goes, and lessens with time. I don't think enough of him anymore to be as angry as I was, it's sort of morphed into me just feeling he's pathetic.
Jun 6 - 1PM (Reply to #17)
Barbara (not verified)
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lol - opposites

You couldn't get more opposite than: HUMAN vs. NON-HUMAN ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/
Jun 6 - 1PM (Reply to #16)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

lol - opposites

You couldn't get more opposite than: HUMAN vs. NON-HUMAN ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/
Jun 6 - 1PM (Reply to #14)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

like most bullies....

He thought it was cute and funny to call me a bit**. I told him I didn't appreciate it. NEVER let them know they bother you. It just eggs them on. When exNH calls me a BITCH I say "thank you." BITCH = Babe In Total Control of Herself ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/
Jun 6 - 11PM (Reply to #15)
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

bullies

Ya, if I only knew then what I know now, I have loved to say 'thank you' and watch his bewildered reaction!
Jun 6 - 11AM (Reply to #13)
finallydone
finallydone's picture

Thanks for that. Yes I agree

Thanks for that. Yes I agree with all you said. I spent so much time wondering why he couldn't really see my heart and that I wasn't any of those things he said. Which brings us to the original post of feeling very sorry for him. I can so relate to all of these posts and I know you all can too. Although its possible I'm now addicted to my blackberry and this site. ;) it sure is helping through all the dark moments. Hugs to you all!
Jun 4 - 11AM (Reply to #4)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

GhostBuster

Whatever led them to it - genetics or behavior - they now have BRAIN DAMAGE that is incurable. RUN LIKE HELL! Have you read WOMEN WHO LOVE PSYCHOPATHS yet? (btw - I have had a couple women who had Psychopaths USE the Law of Attraction nonsense to lure them into a relationship. And, sorry - it is NONSENSE. We don't somehow attract these pathologicals to us - they TARGET us!) ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/
Jun 4 - 7PM (Reply to #5)
RenewD
RenewD's picture

Ladies...

Barbara recommended Women Who Love Psychopaths to me and it is a MUST READ for every one of us!!! I read it over my weekend in the mountains. I must admit some parts were EXTREMELY difficult and I put the book down and just cried....but I got back into it and finally finished it. Every woman on the face of this planet NEEDS to know the information in that book. If you didn't read it, GET IT! I promise it will be worth every penny and every minute of reading...for the rest of your life. ~Denise~
Jun 5 - 11PM (Reply to #6)
grossot
grossot's picture

Ordered women who love

Ordered women who love psychopaths last night. Thinking about reading it poolside at the public pool where everyone knows us! Think that's a bad idea? Haha jk! nolongercontrolled
Jun 6 - 9PM (Reply to #8)
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Grossot

"Thinking about reading it at the public pool" Hilarious! Thanks, I needed a good laugh!
Jun 6 - 2PM (Reply to #7)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

grossot

Actually that's a great idea! There is so little information (correct information) available to women about pathological men and so much education must be done. You can & should then recommend the book to every woman over the age of 16. I do. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/