How avoid meeting another one?

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#1 November 17, 2009 - 6:08pm
Anonymous (not verified)
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How avoid meeting another one?

I just joined today, and the commonalities between what we have experienced is amazing. My NPD boyfriend of 5 years (yikes!) told me last night at 9:50 pm that he doesn't know if he loves me anymore. I know he doesn't know what love even is. I suspect he has found another gal to fill my shoes. He'll never admit that though.

So, how do I avoid dating another narcissist in the future especially when they are so good at lying? It was years before I learned of the horrible things he did and said about me behind my back.

I appreciate any and all advice.

November 17, 2009 - 6:20pm
time_to_move_on
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do some reading

I've found some books really useful: How to spot a dangerous man - Sandra Brown Getting Past your past - Susan Elliott Follow the advice in both of those. Come on here and the blog for getting past your past. Get some therapy and go to support groups (I'm just starting all this myself). And trust your gut instinct. So that when you are ready to date again, you'll have read and explored enough to know when to spot someone that's not right. I'd take months, if not year off dating too so you have time to recover and absorb what happened. When I do date again, the first thing I'll do is ask advice from one of my oldest friends (who always gave me advice I ignored, but in retrospect she was right!), and I'll also post on getting past your past for advice about possible red flags, and on here.
November 17, 2009 - 8:12pm (Reply to #4)
Just_Escaped
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Love & Reading

Hi: I'm new here as well. I agree with you that N's don't really understand love. Mine told me after two years of telling me that he loved me and wanted to marry me, he knew he was cruel and didn't know what love was. This was interesting, although he wouldn't take the necessary steps to heal himself and work with me to heal the hurt in our relationship. The acknowledgment didn't do anything for him because he just stopped there and got angry with me when I had a problem with that. Like he was just going to drop me, and I wasn't supposed to have a problem with that??? I've read "How to spot a dangerous man" by Sandra Brown, and it's excellent. I actually keep it by my bedside, which is pretty sad. But, things are really fresh right now, and I've found that I need to have regular reassurance that I'm doing the right thing. I've read it and have taken notes both in the book and in a journal, using real-life examples. Reading over these gives me confidence that I have made the right decision. It's hard though. You've got to get all the facts lined up in your mind, and then just stick with those. Don't let emotion take control. If you do, you'll go back. Hope this helps.
November 17, 2009 - 9:29pm (Reply to #5)
Barbara (not verified)
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they can NOT love

Ns are INCAPABLE of loving or anything other than primitive rage. Period. THEY ARE NOT HUMAN - if you think I am joking then keep reading this board, there is nothing human about them THEY ARE EVIL understanding ANYTHING is not on their menu http://www.lisaescott.com/2009/08/10/why-narcissist-cannot-love ~~~~~~~~~~~~ My Abuse Information Site Online Coaching & Help
November 17, 2009 - 7:09pm (Reply to #2)
Barbara (not verified)
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18 months

Also no dating for at LEAST 18 months Therapy for 12 months with someone who GETS IT about PATHOLOGICALS ~~~~~~~~~~~~ My Abuse Information Site Online Coaching & Help
November 17, 2009 - 7:24pm (Reply to #3)
itreallyisabouthim
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"When I do date again, the

"When I do date again, the first thing I'll do is ask advice from one of my oldest friends (who always gave me advice I ignored, but in retrospect she was right!)" I have a friend like that, too. It's uncanny how right she has been.