false claim

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#1 May 12 - 11AM
Anonymous (not verified)
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false claim

we were told by our marriage counselor that my soon to be ex-wife had NPD and that she made me co-dependent which i will freely admit to but now that the divorce has moved forward she has flipped that diagnosis on me! has anyone experienced that flip...she even had me worried so i took a self-evaluation on NPD didnt have it but she was so convincing i worried aboutit. the counselor said that this is quite common . any similar experiences out there?

May 20 - 6PM
Elena
Elena's picture

False Claim

Yes, they flip things. Throughout my marriage to a narcissist, I confronted him many times about him always playing the role of a “victim.” And when things got really bad (he started a relationship with another woman), he started telling me I was the one playing the “victim”. They flip things. They also shift responsibility and blame, it’s one of their dysfunctional characteristics. They are extremely immature, like kids, so when something goes wrong, they are ready to blame the other person. If you let them, they will throw you in a pit of blame and condemnation. Be careful. Remember who was diagnosed with NPD, and who was the co-dependent, don’t let this person flip things on you.
May 17 - 1AM
jenn99 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

yes..

yes it's the 'you made me do it"....you're a bad person.. im pissed off because of you...you're a piece of s***... projection and blaming...youre pissing me off, when you did nothing of course..'you hate the world, you're angry, you're this this and that'..'you use people and take'...that's jsut how abusers are but esp narcs...they will even try to force you to do things they're doing...just to be the mirror... and to try to control you...it's all disillusioning because even if you know what they're doing if they've used enough tactics to really mess with your head and make you weak and confused....you almost begin to believe it...because they're gaslighting you.. and playing all sorts of games with your mind... narcs are heavy on the mind f**ing...that's kind of the thing they do...another tactic narcs use is if someone else wrongs you...instead of defending you they will almost always defend that person and use it to corner you and really punish and mess with you.. they are so adept at that sick technique it's like... mechanic almost...they will use anything against you if they can or anythign that will give them more control over you if they can...they will agree with your enemies and say they are right and you are what they say you are...
May 16 - 9AM
Carolyn
Carolyn's picture

Maybe the flip was for you

Maybe the flip was for you to coninue to pay for counseling. You are vulnerable and suggestable right now and the therapists business is counseling: If therapy is good for you go to another therapist. I am a former social worker and there is a book called the DSM Manual. you can check out these things on-line and see for yourself if you meet the criteria for a diagnosis. It sounds like you have been bullied and emotionally abused by your partner and you are unsure. It is not a bad thing to find a therapy group that talks about the issues of a victim. you can hear other people talk about their stories and see you are not alone. Learn when you need boundries, don't permit people to emotionally abuse you and find out from this site what the definitions of emotional abuse are so that you can recognize them.
May 12 - 10PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

it's NEVER them

if you've been keeping up with my posts: - my exNH quit marriage counseling 2x telling me the counselor was "an idiot" or I had somehow "won them to my side" so he "had no chance" to tell "the truth". - finally dragged me to MC when he found out I was having an emotional affair and left when the sessions he was using as FISHING EXPEDITIONS didn't go his way. The counselor was also a complete A** who I reported to the APA about her conduct towards me. - he took 2 psychology courses in undergrad school... so now he's an "expert" ROFLMAO - took a book on Passive Aggressive behavior I was reading, read it & accused ME of everything in the book. Then threw it at me giving me a bruise about 2cm from my left eye. - was opening my mail and got a hold of the book WHY DOES HE DO THAT which I'd ordered. He took a Sharpie and wrote in the back: "If you really think I have done all the things in this book I am sorry. But YOUR BEHAVIOR DROVE ME TO BE THIS WAY." - agreed with my NarcMother that I was USELESS since I am disabled. - Ripped covers off me when I was paralyzed accusing me of faking & messing up his life by getting sick. - Stepped over me when I was crawling on my hands & knees to the bathroom. - Refused me food since I wasn't bringing in any money once I became disabled. - made me sleep on a broken couch while we were separating. When my atypical M.S. was triggered by doing this and it was hard to walk, called me a "fat lazy pig" in front of the children and slapped me around. - slapped me in front of the kids for using Air Conditioning. Calls the kids pigs for using Air Conditioning. In 90F weather in August in NYC. Did I mention he has NO air conditioning? He "doesn't need it" so neither should we. My doctors begged to differ with him so now he's been ORDERED to let us use it. - when I moved out and my bedroom was being redone in the fixer upper I live in, he came over and came to the futon on the FLOOR I was sleeping on and KICKED me to wake me up. More than once. They NEVER NEVER take responsibility. Ever. If you call him anything he denies it even happened. Mine has even blamed the kids for things only an adult could have done. Good read: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com/2006/11/couples-counseling-marriage-counseling.html ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/
May 12 - 1PM
GhostBuster
GhostBuster's picture

Tranference?

I think that's transferance...tranfering her disorder (or any other bad stuff she does) onto you. I'm sure others here would know for sure. I wasn't with my ex N long enough to have a lot of experience with this, but the final straw was when he told me I was "ill" because I love and care for my pets. When in fact, he was the ill one who hated the fact that I dared to love anything but him. I guess there was something else too. He was extremely possessive and jealous. He would get frustrated that I wouldn't react to things with jealousy and I didn't think like his disordered brain. He'd actually try to play something pretty benign up to make me jealous and I could see how frustrated he'd get when I didn't bite.
May 12 - 1PM (Reply to #2)
Fawn
Fawn's picture

Transference

Yes, this is very common with Narcissists. That is why you always know what they are doing or planning to do, because they will accuse YOU of it! They only see themselves as reflected by you. My husband started telling me, after many years of verbal and emotional abuse by him, that I was abusive. It is maddening, like a child's game of "I am Rubber You Are Glue....." It really is like arguing with a five-year-old. You're never going to win because you aren't dealing with a sane, rational adult. I kept making the mistake of trying to rationalize with him, and it never worked. Projecting is what I have seen it called quite often. The Narcissist feels ashamed about their own feelings or things that they don't like about themselves. They can't own them, grow from them, and move on. Instead they project them onto someone else.
May 12 - 1PM (Reply to #3)
voodoochili25 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

thanks for the advice i know

thanks for the advice i know its weird because i'm the "guy" lol but even our counselor said that she was treating me in the traditional female role and my ex as the traditional male. she also referred me to a term "gaslighting" which is one of my ex's most used tactic. that is most dangerous as you start to question your own sanity. i bet this transference is a close cousin to "gaslighting"
May 16 - 10PM (Reply to #11)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

for voodoochili25 - gaslighting

http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com/2006/01/gaslighting-from-games-abusers-play-at.html ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/
May 12 - 8PM (Reply to #4)
malloryforest
malloryforest's picture

happened to me

I also was told by my exNH that I was a Narcissist, with an anger problem. Of course it made me question myself. I had been seeing a therapist for eleven months, and went into her office asking her to be honest with me. Tell me if I am a N and I am just projecting my own issues onto my exH. She laughed and calmed me down. I was not in any way a N, yes I was angry, but the anger was very appropriate in my situation, and that the projection and/ or transference is very typical of a N, who has been "found out." I had seen over five therapists over our 10 year marriage each of whom told me I was married to a N. At one point, I had shared this info with my Ex.(not a great idea) His response....that I needed to take back that hurtful statement. He can't be with someone who is so evil and hurtful, and if I wanted our marriage to survive, I had to show him that I couldn't possibly believe in that diagnosis. Obviously I dropped the subject, and accepted that I must just be mean and angry, and I better work on being a more supportive and better wife. How ungrateful of me. From what I hear, this is pretty common.....
May 12 - 9PM (Reply to #5)
voodoochili25 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

yes!

yes after our counselor confronted her with this we quit counseling cause she was an idiot of course...it just slays me though she is now telling everyone i have it! jeez! i'm lucky i have any self-esteem left to be honest. she is a dandy ! lol thanks for your input though it is appreciated!
May 12 - 9PM (Reply to #6)
malloryforest
malloryforest's picture

Funny

My exH quit every therapist or couples counseling we ever went to. After about two sessions, each therapist was an idiot. My H was smarter then them (so he thought). My H knew how to manipulate them. He even prided himself on how he could manipulate his therapists. At one point, he even started lecturing the therapist about how he knew just as much as the therapist. As far as I know, my exH has never taken any courses in psychology. Then, he refused to see anymore therapists because we were a smart enough couple to figure out our own issues. They are really good at wearing down your self-esteem. It has been 2 years since mine walked out on me for another woman. Yes, I found out the day after I delivered our third child. Talk about your self-esteem being in the gutter. But, I must say today, I am feeling much better. It is like I am finding myself again! and you know what/ I kind of like who I am finding. It is so freeing to not be yelled at for putting on the heat in the dead of winter. Good luck.
May 12 - 10PM (Reply to #7)
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

mallory

I'm glad to hear you're feeling a bit better lately. You've been through, and are going through a lot. You don't realize how much you missed the freedom until it starts coming back, hm? :)
May 13 - 9AM (Reply to #8)
voodoochili25 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

get this my ex waited for

get this my ex waited for the day of my dads funeral and served me with divorce papers just to be mean. was having another affair one of many! i know my fault for getting sucked back in but wow. she is making the divorce process WWIII too.
May 13 - 10AM (Reply to #10)
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

terrible

voodoochili...That is so cold, but typical. They are such drama kings/queens, they have to be heard, no matter how inappropriate the timing is. This has happened to me in the form of my exN needing constant attention when he knew I had busy days at work, during family occasions (text, text, text)...it's just ridiculous. He also sent me a biting e-mail on my BIRTHDAY after I ignored his birthday wishes...he was sooo insulted! lol It's nice not to have to deal with that crap anymore. Barbara has some great articles on this site about how narcs make the divorce process extremely difficult. May be good reading since you're having to deal with this.
May 13 - 10AM (Reply to #9)
malloryforest
malloryforest's picture

she served you

She served you papers on the day of your dad's funeral????? How incredibly sensitive. am so sorry. They are wonderfully sensitive people aren't they!