Every guy in a nice car....

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#1 Jul 16 - 9PM
Anonymous (not verified)
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Every guy in a nice car....

To me now, they are all N's. Every guy in a nice car...."N". Every "buff" guy, every good looking guy...."N". Every sharp dressed man...."N". Oh, well. What do I care. I'm 42 and what do I need a man for? Um.... let me think....thinking....thinking....here it comes....ready for it? NOT A DAMN THING. To me now, they ALL are tainted and I don't care. I'm tired of the PTSD...wanting to burst out in tears, the dreams. God, the dreams. Reliving the pain everytime I close my eyes. And off and on throughout the day. I AM SICK AND TIRED OF IT. I feel like I want the world to KNOW and UNDERSTAND what I went through, what he did. HOW COULD HE? I know, I know. I know the answer. He's crazy, he's a narc, he didn't care. But that does not lessen the pain of every incident I recall OVER and OVER and it's maddening and I'm tired. Anyone else just sooooooo tired?????

Jul 20 - 12AM
Jodie
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P.S.

...and my husband drove a Porsche and Viper. What a tool... "Cry now because you lost him or cry later because you have him."

"Cry now because you lost him or cry later because you have him."

Jul 20 - 12AM (Reply to #19)
Barbara (not verified)
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Jodie

was he making up for deficiencies in other areas? LOL http://www.harpyness.com/2009/06/14/a-car-is-not-a-penis/ http://www.zazzle.com/car_penis_sticker-217728949725473025 http://www.maggags.com/im-compensating-for-a-small-penis.GIF LOL! (sorry James... ) ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily Online Coaching for Victims of Narcissists/ Psychopaths
Jul 19 - 6PM
Jodie
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I know exactly how you all

I know exactly how you all feel. It's sickening. Mine hasn't tried contacting me at all not since I left except to ask for garage door opener. Our marriage was erased like a bad debt to him...it's incomprehensible. "Cry now because you lost him or cry later because you have him."

"Cry now because you lost him or cry later because you have him."

Jul 19 - 5PM
Carolyn
Carolyn's picture

you are having a common

you are having a common re-action. You have been bitterly disappointed and it has made you suffer. this type of angst over a bad love affair is not good for your physical health. One of the best ways I found out of that stage was excercise I joined a gym with a pool and went everyday rain or shine. It really moved me out of the blues and into the sunlight. I also got some books on how to develop your own life, joined a church that was positive, in my spare time when I wasn't working I sold Mary Kay and loved the sales meetings that were all about empowerment for women. I just put a life together one piece at a time and it turned out really well. I was 42 when I hit the bottom and it took awhile but I climbed out of the hole and did really well. You will too-you deserve it!
Jul 19 - 8PM (Reply to #16)
devoured_soul (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

carolyn

thanks for your response. Funny you mentioned the gym, I joined one, too, but have only been for 2 visits and my trainer is kicking my ass, but it does feel sooooo good. Gives me something else to think about (muscle aches, fatigue, getting up at 5:30am). So, how long? You were 42 then, as am i, and how old are you now? What time frame am i potentially looking at? I just want to separate the pain from the evil? Or the intent? I dont know what I am trying to say... I am trying to think of an analogy... like if a tree falls in the forest and there is no one around to hear it, does it make a sound? So, if he didn't INTEND to hurt me cuz he's a narc and he just does it, then should it hurt? Someone help me say what I am thinking and cant put in words!!!
Jul 17 - 5PM
finallydone
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To Devoured Soul

I just wanted to share with you that I am 41 years old and while driving home from work this afternoon I passed a "good looking" guy with sunglasses on in a really nice convertible. I looked over as I passed him, felt my stomach turn and said out loud to myself, "Narc Alert, Narc Alert". I hope that at least made you smile. Because when I read your post, I smiled only because I know EXACTLY how you feel. And you are not alone. Right now I think the same thing... who needs them. I have spent the week fending off his attempts to contact me via phone and email. I blocked his ability to IM me and I don't answer my cell. But one day its "nice comemnts" and then wait for it.... wait for it... next day its KABOOM rage, or blame, or insults or nasty insinuations that I'm just looking to sleep with somebody. It's such a joke. I'm almost grateful for it in a weird way... and it's because with each day... I see the reality more clearly. I looked back through some of his old emails from the last 4 years today and I actually laughed out loud at how obvious they displayed this personality disorder, and my pathetic attempts to respond in some way that was loving, or "I'm sorry I made you feel that way" or "I'll try harder" BLECK! But I just really didn't understand, and when I did start to understand I found the convenient salve of denial. But I was really proud of myself today.... I laughed at one of them and it really didn't bother me. I just said to myself, "It's right there... it's ridiculous. And this email was sent 4 years ago." I was with him for 8. And he still won't go away. He insulted me yesterday, when I told him to cut it out he then sent me an email saying, "You are simply trying to continue to hurt me as you always have and no further contact is necessary." Sooooo, I didn't respond. Good by me. And within 10 MINUTES, he sent another one going on about what a good person he is and I was never nice to him. It's HYSTERICAL! I realize that the tug of war has continued to some extent and I have to pull all the way out and "drop my end of the rope" and I also realize that part of the reason I haven't is because he is very good at insulting me so that I do respond in outrage and he then gets his "fix". But he sent a really ridiculous one first thing this morning and so far.... NOTHING FROM ME. I'm on here on a friday night to keep myself from looking at my spam folder in AOL. I've gotten as far as relegating his emails to spam. I haven't written a lot on the board this last week.... been doing a lot of reading books and thinking things through... but I have been looking at the threads to see how everybody is hanging in there. You folks are wonderful!
Jul 17 - 8PM (Reply to #14)
James (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Memory Lane

finallydone, I looked back through some of his old emails from the last 4 years today and I actually laughed out loud at how obvious they displayed this personality disorder, and my pathetic attempts to respond in some way that was loving, or "I'm sorry I made you feel that way" or "I'll try harder" BLECK! But I just really didn't understand, and when I did start to understand I found the convenient salve of denial. This brings up a very interesting point and possible task. If a member is ready (some aren't) to look back at some of those old letters and emails. And then reread them but this time try to do so reading between the lines. What I mean is try to emotionally detach yourself from it's content and try to look closer at what is being said or stated. Look for contradictions. Sentence structure and if you can find any indirect or misleading information. Stuff like that. You might be surprise what you find. Now again only do this if you feel strong enough and sure enough that it won't depress you and/or cause you any emotional stress. So please don't read them but also don't delete them just yet, save them for someday you will be ready and able to look at them like finallydone did and then I feel you will be surprise what you will find. http://james-personalitydisorder.blogspot.com/
Jul 17 - 6PM (Reply to #11)
devoured_soul (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Thanks, Finallydone

Your response helped alot. The last time the N and I talked, I specifically said "lose my number" and "don't contact me" and he hasnt. (Prior break-ups, I just said "we're done".) It has been about 2 weeks, I think. That's the longest between break-ups without him contacting me. Usually it's 2 days. So this length of time actually disturbs me cuz I like the empowerment of not answering the phone. He has not e-mailed or texted. It's a good thing. How long has it been for you? I'm just waiting for the day I laugh instead of cry...
Jul 17 - 8PM (Reply to #12)
finallydone
finallydone's picture

Not long

Oh I just finally got my house refinanced in my own name on July 1st. He made the first six months of the year a nightmare and he's been taking every chance he can get to send me message rewriting history and blaming me. His best and ONLY friend has been calling me telling me that he is over talking to him because he now seems so full of shit. He never heard any side by his before... and he's a pretty nice guy. A little crazy, but he said he can't believe the lies he is hearing and how he cuts him off on the phone and screams and yells when the friend tries to suggest that he doesn't agree with him. And they've been friends for 39 years. It's very validating. The friend keeps saying, "I don't get it, you are very easy to talk to. Nothing like he describes you." Anyway, I"m up and down A LOT! So don't get me wrong... I spent all day last Sunday crying my eyes out. But the crying was different this time... it was more cathartic. Like I'm coming to terms with all of this. Entering complacent acceptance if you will. I'm coming back to life just a little bit. So laughing at that email today just felt like a victory in some strange way because I"m starting to really see it for what it is. I feel like I've been battered for 8 years, but never really physically hit. It's the strangest thing really..... but it appears that it will slowly get better. So I feel hopeful.
Jul 17 - 10PM (Reply to #13)
Barbara (not verified)
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finally done

as you can see, now that you have removed yourself from the picture - he's abusing anyone at hand because THAT IS WHO HE IS. validation points for you dear! emotional & psychological abuse IS BATTERING. You WERE battered. Also, many people believe it's harder to heal from than physical battering. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily Online Coaching for Victims of Narcissists/ Psychopaths
Jul 17 - 12AM
Marie
Marie's picture

YES!

Yes, I'm totally tired. My dreams have faded though once in a blue moon he pops back in them. I only cried once last week when I was away. The pain, unless I really think about him is not as sharp. Let's see how I do next month when it will be a year since he dumped me cold. Hugs
Jul 16 - 10PM
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

devoured

Yes, I get tired of it too. This is the first time in a long time that I've been alone, and it's not so bad. I've questioned the purpose of having a partner day in and day out. Right now, the things that come to mind when I think of 'dating' are-- work, high-maintenance, accountability, drama... I think narcs just leave us with such a bad taste. But when I think of the HUGE investment..the opening myself up, deep emotional involvement, the trust...I mean, how many times can you keep putting it all out there??...blah. Maybe one day!?
Jul 17 - 11PM (Reply to #7)
tina
tina's picture

quietude

I couldn't agree with you more! I have been on my own for awhile now and you are correct, its not so bad. For me, when I think of 'dating' the words work and high-maintenance are exactly the things that come to my mind as well and therefore it is not worth the effort at this time. Relationships can be so much damn work! Think I will continue to spoil myself... no, alone is not so bad.
Jul 18 - 9AM (Reply to #8)
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

tina

You're right, we deserve a lot of spoiling after what we've been through. I mean...all I did for the past couple of years was totally CATER to my ex. After a while, I noticed he 'expected' certain things. Like bringing him coffee on the weekends, not a big thing, but I do remember him holding up his mug as IF to say "ehem, waitress! waitress! I'm getting low!" Also, when we were reconciling, he talked about how he looked forward to giving me massages and foot-rubs...LMAO! Ya, right. Then when we were together, he kept making excuses why HE needed them, and my needs were an afterthought. They do so much to lure you in, and as usual...no follow through. So some days I think, 'now WHYYYY do I need to be in a relationship again??' I have to reprogram my head to be o.k. with just casual dating...just fun, and no dealing with issues!! ;)
Jul 16 - 10PM (Reply to #6)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

investment

as Dr. Hare and Dr. Babiak say (paraphrase) 'the emotional investment is on YOUR part not his. He's simply profiling you to extract your needs and wants and play them back to you.' My PTSD is much too bad to go there. But more for you ladies. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily Online Coaching for Victims of Narcissists/ Psychopaths
Jul 16 - 10PM
RenewD
RenewD's picture

*raises hand*

I'm tired of the bs too...or at least, I DID get tired of it. Then out of the blue, I met a really great guy. He's not completely without issues but he's definitely not a narcissist. And he's very aware of himself and works on the things he knows he needs to work on... So. Don't give up completely. Just don't look. If there's someone out there meant for you, he'll appear. And with all the knowledge you have now, you'll know if he's a jerk or not.
Jul 16 - 10PM
Barbara (not verified)
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yup

I refuse to date again. Ever. Too much PTSD and too much hassle. And I can't tolerate the b.s. (besides who'd want a disabled woman with 2 kids at 52 anyway?) ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily Online Coaching for Victims of Narcissists/ Psychopaths
Jul 17 - 12AM (Reply to #2)
take_too
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Re-defining

(Disabled = differently abled...including all the wisdom, courage, strength, humility and understanding which comes through accepting, dealing with, taking responsibility for and surviving difficulties we neither asked for or deserved. 2 kids = two wonderful, loving, caring, people who have grown to be unique individuals due to the unusual experiences of their lives and the amazing love and support of their mother as they grew. Two people who would add a new perspective and quality, to the life of anyone lucky enough to meet them. 52 years young.... a perfect age for a woman, I'm not quite there yet, got 5 years to go.... I am determined to improve with age, like a perfect wine. Not everyone can recognize a good wine, or appreciate its unique qualities, but that doesn't mean its just old grape juice, some people recognize value when they encounter it and some don't.... it doesn't matter, as they say in England "It's still a good drop, and plenty good enough for me") Sorry, didn't mean to define you based on my view of reality as I have come to know it, while growing healthier and stronger with the help of people like you. It's just that this is how I have come to think of you Barbara, during the time I have been reading this board.
Jul 17 - 1AM (Reply to #3)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

take too

thanks so much I'm very honored ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily Online Coaching for Victims of Narcissists/ Psychopaths